Is My Marriage Hopeless?

[sadsadwoman]

I am almost 28, married with 3 children. Oldest son is not my husband's and mine together, though he adopted him. We married really young, I was 22, and he was 2 days from 22. We had a rocky courting, to say the least. I had a miscarriage while we were engaged, he said it was for the best, in the dr.'s office waiting room !!

 

We have been to counseling in the past. He admitted, to the counselor, in front of me, that he loves his children more than he loves me. He also told me that if something ever happened to me, he would go on, he didn't "need" me.

 

I guess I am what you would call a semi-needy woman. I want someone to hold me, cuddle with me, want to be with me in general. I am not talking to the extreme, I have been there in the past with a very clingy ex. My husband has no need for cuddling, embracing, etc. He does tell me he loves me every day, but, does not show it.

 

Our sex life has been not so hot. I could go for 1x a day, but, lucky if it's 1x a week or 2. I know it isn't about physical appearance. I actually weigh less than when we met, even though I have had 2 more children. He, on the other hand, being 6'2, went from 195 when we met to 240 now, and doesn't care. I have always tried really hard to take care of myself and stay in shape.

 

Another really big issue is that he doesn't like to go out and do things. I have voiced that we could take the kids and go to the park, beach, etc. When he's not working, he would rather stay home. I also work, but, do not share the same feelings. I am 27 years old, and want to get out and enjoy life!! I have told him this over and over, but, we end up arguing about it.

 

I just feel like my marriage is hopeless, and falling apart. I need someone who wants to be with me and shares my feelings, and, this doesn't seem to be it.

 

Anyone have any input and/or advice?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for how you're feeling...That has to be really rough and you and ofcourse the kids as well. How are they reacting to what's been going on? Kids do pick up on stress.

 

Counsilling may help depending if it is something you both are ready to do, to save what you have.

 

Do you love him? I mean really really love him to work it out...I know actions speaks louder than words. Has he always been emotionally distant or just recently? Because alot of men aren't the 'emotional touchy feely type'. I've had to train mine abit, I know he likes it at times, but puts up with me all over him because he knows I like to do that.

I know how much it can hurt when you are rejected emotionally, the cuddling and ofcourse sex. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and really talk things out, be as honest and clear as you can. Even write him a letter about all that you are feeling and then give it to him, and be there as he reads it. Just a suggestion. Anyway I do hope it works out. Keep posting.

 

WWIU

[Butchey]

So, he's fat, lazy and won't have sex everyday. What's wrong with you?

 

Don't throw this away. You need to get help before you do something you will regret.

 

Try marriage counciling. Talk, talk talk.

 

[sadsadwoman]

WWIU,

 

We tried counseling last year. He didn't like what the counselor told him, and refuses to try another. Some of this is my own fault. I knew from the get go that he was kinda cold and not the huggable, cuddleable type. Stupid me just thought that he needed someone to love him, and show him how good it feels. I tried writing a letter before, didn't do much good. This is just so hard for me. He is happy the way things are, and I feel like I am alone!! The kids are 7, 4 and 3, so not really old enough to understand much of what is going on.

 

Butchey,

 

What's wrong with me? I am needy and want to have fun in life. By no means is he lazy, he really does work hard, and he is a good dad. Those are great qualities. But, I guess I am selfish wanting someone who is into me?

[Butchey]

Needy is a broad term. If you want affection you deserve it. You will have to find out how to bring out the teddy bear in him. For sex there is viagra but also everyones libido is different. I'm on your side on that one.

 

Just try to go easy on him and it may bring out his better qualities. Look at the post on "Why people cheat". It has alot of good info.

[SoleMate]

Two ideas that may help:

 

1) Ask your husband to be evaluated for depression. The lack of energy, lack of interest in sex, coldness, and weight gain all could indicate that he is suffering from a mood disorder.

 

2) <URL removed>

 

And please be aware that you can actually change and improve your marriage singlehandedly. Obviously, it's better if he works on it with you, but you can do a lot on your own.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Give him some choices too. Be open and honest but let him really know how you are feeling because it can't go on like this. Choices meaning that if he doesn't get some kind of help (I agree with solemate about the depression, does sound like he's quite low right now) then things will only get worse and neither of you want that for yourselves let alone the kids. Even though they are quite young they are still aware of enough to pick up on energy changes, negativity etc...And kids believe or not do listen in on conversations!! They may not understand all of it but they do get the 'feeling' of it. I don't want to scare you or put fears into your head but that is something to be aware of.

 

You might consider someone prof. to talk to aswell, you need it so you can feel better. Sorry you're having such a rough time.

 

Hugs.

WWIU

[sadsadwoman]

Butchey,

 

After 6 1/2 years together, it seems like anything that may have "come out" emotional, physical, wise would have by now.

 

Solemate,

 

Thank you for the support link. I suggested depression to my husband a few weeks ago. He said he wasn't going to take any drugs, and there's nothing wrong with him. I really am trying to fix this.

 

WWIU,

 

I talked to a counselor myself, about ten times in the last year. I actually tried two different counselors, one male, and one female. What came of it? Well, let's just say they could see and hear my sorrow, pain, and frustration. Maybe I am just too demanding?

 

I tried to talk to my husband briefly this morning about how I am feeling. He took the defense and said that there are alot of "projects" that need to be done outside, and that's why he's been that way. His answer was for me to come outside and work with him?? I said he was missing the problem, and asked if he thought the situation was any different before he started the "projects." He said yes, it was different. I told him he must be living another life. I know, bad response, but, it was truthful.

 

He said, well, I have to get these projects done before the snow flies. I said "no, you have to get these projects done before hunting season." He didn't respond to that one. See, his hunting habits have been problematic in the past years as well. Don't misinterpret this. I am glad that he has a passion, it's how he chooses to abuse it that is the issue.

 

My husband is a VERY busy man. He works 40 hours a week, and has school 2 nights a week from 5-9 for 8 months of the year (Sept-Apr). Then comes hunting season. He usually leaves the house by 4 am, both Saturday and Sunday, and doesn't come home until 9 pm or after. Mind you, we are in the NE, so, it's dark by 6.

 

Last year I caught him in a bad lie. He and a buddy went hunting. I called his buddy's house around 7 pm to see when he would be home. Husband said they had been cutting a deer since 5 and were almost done, should be home by 8. So, 9 pm comes, no hubby. Again, I call the house. Husband says he's been drinking, "you don't want me to drive home drunk, do you." I said no, of course. I didn't "feel" right about the conversation, so called back at 9:30, his buddy says "oh, he left about 10 minutes after you called, said he was going to drive to town (30 mins from there, same as to home), to get something to eat. So, husband doesn't come home until 11:45 pm. I was soooo livid! I asked where he was, he said at his buddy's house. I said nooooo, I called there at 9:30, and you were gone then. So, he fessed up and said that he drove to a bar, got a few more drinks, a bite to eat, then came home.

 

See, the problem there is WE have 3 kids, and I work all week too. The counselor we saw told him that scenario was a problem, and that he needed to see that. My husband responded by saying, "no one is going to tell me when I can and can't hunt." That was the last time he went.

 

This morning I told my husband we either have to fix this or forget it, because I cannot live like this anymore. He said, ok, whatever.

 

I am in so much pain. He said, you knew how I was before we married, do you seriously think I am going to change who I am and have been for 27 years?

 

I guess maybe it really is hopeless .

[roy2004]

hi,

i have been reading about your problem and i don't have any advice because i'm going through a rough marriage as well with a wife that don't need any affection and won't give any as well. so i just want to let you know that you are a special person that need love and affection and if your marriage is worth fighting for go for it and don't look back. i am at a place where i have thought of having an affair, but i haven't because i want to try to do all i can to make it work. i just pray that your husband open his eyes and see he has a special lady and treat you like he knows it. a lot of men wish that we had a wife that would love to love us physically and emotionally. i hope the next time i hear from you it will be good news roy20004

[Samuel62]

Keep enduring his abusive behavior, or not. Let your kids grow up thinking that's normal, or not. Have the possibility of a fulfilling, good relationship in the future, or not.

 

See if you can get 2 days alone somewhere. Get a good book, sit on a beach, relax, then decide what to do.

[Butchey]

Was he ever affectionate towards you in a way that was satisfying? When did these problems start?

 

You are young and you should have a fulfilling marriage. However it is normal for sex to drop after some time of being together. The seven year itch is not uncommon. The fact that you are not satisfied brings up allot of questions.

 

Is he satisfied? Does he communicate why he is tired or not interested in general? Has his relationship with his children changed over this 6 year time?

 

I think you should work at making your marriage better if it was good at one time. If it has always been this way and you are not happy then you made a mistake. If you are convinced that you made a mistake and you need more in your marriage then you should move on. Life is a gamble. You deserve to be happy and it may take some time and allot of work but divorce may be the right thing for you. You have to decide. There is no sense staying in a loveless marriage if he loves the children more than you. You should come first.

 

Also I think you carry resentment over the miscarriage. You need to forgive him for being insensitive.

[jmargel]

sadsadwoman,

 

You mentioned he was like this before he met you, before you two got married. Every person is different in their ways of showing affection. Unfortunetly people show their love in different ways, which might not be picked up by their spouse. When he mentioned about helping him with outdoor projects, that was his way of trying to spend some time with you. Remember he works full time, goes to class as well. He may not like going to the park, etc.. like you but to him if you were to help him on these projects, it would free up some time so possibily you two can do other things.

 

He needs to set some certain amount of time aside for you and the kids. You also can't take the way he is behaving personally. It's possible it was the way he was brought up. My wife and her brother were basically left on their own most of their lives. They are not the affectionate, lovey-dovey type. However, me & her brother's wife are. It was a relief when his wife & me met, because it made me realize it wasn't me. It was them and the way they were brought up. Counseling has helped her quite a bit, your husband isn't at that stage yet to realize the way he is behaving is not the norm.

 

It would be easier for you to both compromise on things. Such as helping him with certain projects, but then you two going out on a date together once every week or two. Try to get interested in some of the things he does. Right now it's not who makes the first step here. He's ignorant to alot of things right now, so you'll have to take the lead with this.