Stayed with MM for 4 years - I feel so stupid - do you have similar story?

[lynn1954]

I dated a married man for four years. I feel so stupid. Now, I broke up with him permanently. I'll tell my story, and I'd like to hear your story.

 

I percieve myself as "good" and "smart", and I'd like to know if this happened to other "good", "smart" people.

 

I was 55 years old. I was a divorced woman with a nice home, nice job, nice kids, nice family and friends, etc.

 

I met a man age 58 online, and we got together. He admitted almost immediately that he was married, but I didn't care. I was super-attracted to him physically and emotionally, loved spending time with him.

 

He consistently indicated that he would get a divorce, but he never did.

 

After two years, my gut feelings told me that I should end the relationship. It took me two more years after that to actually end it.

 

So, now I'm 59 years old, free of the bad relationship, but feeling so stupid and regretful about it. It was such a dis-honest and "evil" thing to do. I sabotaged my own self-worth, my integrity, my dignity. I stressed myself out by keeping this secret from everyone for four years. I wasted so much time!! What was I thinking??

 

I take full responsibility for the bad choices I made. However, he was a smooth manipulator who always managed to hold on to me every time I tried to break free.

 

At first, I didn't even know I was being manipulated. After I figured it out, it was still tricky because I always felt that he didn't even know that he was being manipulative. He was an immature, needy man-boy.

 

He always said he loved me, and he did nice things for me like taking me out to restaurants, watching TV shows I like, stroking my hair and massaging my back, doing household repairs, etc. He always said "I love you more than any other man" and "I take better care of you than any other man".

 

If this happened to you, too, please tell me about it. If you are not registered here and can't post, then just read and know that, if this also happened to you, you're not alone.

Edited April 14, 2013 by lynn1954

[lynn1954]

Paperangel:

 

Not caring that he was married was one of the mistakes I made.

 

Prior to him, I had been a "good girl" with a good conscience who knew right from wrong and always did the morally and ethically correct thing.

 

Nevertheless, I made a "bad girl" choice.

 

I've tried to analyze it. I think that I was tired of following society's rules. I think I'd never had a teenage rebellion when I was a teen, so I had a delayed one. I think I was lonely. I think he was more physically attractive than anyone I'd ever dated.

[AnotherRound]

There are all types of people who have affairs - smart and stupid, good and bad (if you believe that people can be innately bad) - what makes you think you were a "stupid" one? Or a "bad" one? One bad decision for yourself does not make you "bad" inherently and equivocally. If you believe that it does, why do you believe that?

 

My situation was a bit different in that there was no deception - but there are still people that would judge my decision to carry on a relationship with a man that was married to someone else, even if it was agreed upon by all involved. That doesn't affect me, or what I know about myself - that I'm good, intelligent, caring, giving, empathetic, etc. These things are true to my core - and are not negated by any action that I take - and especially not something as trivial as to who I have a relationship with.

 

I am saddened that you found out that you were being manipulated and that you look back on your experience as a mistake. I would suggest that you try to "turn your mind" (look up Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for this one) and see the situation as it was - in that, it wasn't the right decision for you, BUT there is value in it. My guess is that you have learned a LOT about yourself in the process, and what you want and don't want, your boundaries, your self worth, your self esteem - your dealbreakers, love, relationships, etc. That's valuable stuff - process and progress spurring stuff - no matter how it came about.

 

Be as gentle with yourself as you would with a loved one. If someone you greatly loved made the same "mistake" - how would you talk to them? Would you say, "You are so effing stupid! What the eff were you thinking you whore?". If you would, then carry on talking to yourself that way - but if you wouldn't, why wouldn't you? Because you value them as a person? Because you know that they are still the person that you love despite the fact that they did something that didn't turn out well that was perhaps misguided? Do you think now that someone you love is unworthy of that love bc of one decision that they made in their life?

 

We are always harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else (well, most of us, lol) - and your self talk right now is extremely abusive to your self. While I understand your regret - I wonder what positives came from the situation? Because EVERY situation in life has something positive - even death of loved ones has positives - we learn things, we feel things, we grow, we process, we progress... that is valuable, necessary, and important.

 

Turn your mind to know that we all do the best we can do with what we have - from that we learn to do even better - and it's a process, with a lot of falls and "mistakes" along the way. If you make a mistake once - learn from it - if you keep making it, then it's probably an issue - but honestly, I don't know that loving another human being is ever a mistake - we certainly don't have enough love in this world, imo.

[Owl]

Why didn't he should be a better question?

 

I'd also like to add a thought...why NOT be the better person?

 

Why allow your morals/standards to be lowered because his are lower?

 

Not looking to pick a fight...but I've seen you post this thought before, and I've never understood why your choice to be involved in an affair is OK since he choose to do so?

[Owl]

But you aren't the OP.

 

But she was the person I'd quoted, and I'm fine with her answering truthfully and honestly.

 

I don't have to agree with her answer to appreciate that it was an honest one.

 

Thank you, LFH.

[Leegh]

Don't worry, love truly is blind. I know of one couple where the man was totally honest and trustworthy, and he fell in love with a woman who asked him to steal a large amount of money from her work. They were caught, but she tried to steal the money in a legal way. This very honorable man was so much in love with this woman, that he was brain-washed by her. My point is, is that we have all made mistakes when it comes to romantic love. You sound like a great lady, and there are other fish in the sea.

[lynn1954]

No worries, all, I appreciate all the answers and discussions and especially the kind and supportive affirmations.

 

Over in the message about "Introduce yourself and tell your story", I clarified a little about the meaning of my sentence "I knew he was married, but I didn't care".

 

More accurately, when he told me he was married, he also said that his marriage had been "horrible" for a long time, and that he'd already planned to get a divorce before he even met me.

 

I (incorrectly and regrettably) used that as an excuse to lie to myself and say "Well, I'm not the cause of his bad marriage and ultimate divorce, so it's okay to continue to develop a relationship with him". That reason, plus all the other reasons that I already replied above when Paperangel asked me.

 

As far a why my MM "didn't care" that he was married but seeking an extramarital affair: same reasons as many other wandering husbands. His marriage is sexless, sleeping in separate bedrooms, he and his wife aggravate and annoy each other rather than love and respect each other, he claims (and I actually believe him) that he tried really hard to improve and save his marriage and things would get better temporarily and then become shyte again.

 

Although he and wife are more than 60 years old, all their kids are adults, not millionaires but money not a problem, they don't love each other any more, and still he was so majorly afraid of change that he couldn't get a divorce. In addition to all the wacky emotional baggage that we all have, I think he might have a mild form of one of the personality disorders; he has fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of what other people will say, fear of financial insecurity beyond reasonable concerns, and many other oddities.

 

All of the above just FYI and background, not to defend myself or back-pedal about my original "I didn't care" statement. Y'all know that my overall sentiment is "mea culpa".

[AnotherRound]

No worries, all, I appreciate all the answers and discussions and especially the kind and supportive affirmations.

 

Over in the message about "Introduce yourself and tell your story", I clarified a little about the meaning of my sentence "I knew he was married, but I didn't care".

 

More accurately, when he told me he was married, he also said that his marriage had been "horrible" for a long time, and that he'd already planned to get a divorce before he even met me.

 

I (incorrectly and regrettably) used that as an excuse to lie to myself and say "Well, I'm not the cause of his bad marriage and ultimate divorce, so it's okay to continue to develop a relationship with him". That reason, plus all the other reasons that I already replied above when Paperangel asked me.

 

As far a why my MM "didn't care" that he was married but seeking an extramarital affair: same reasons as many other wandering husbands. His marriage is sexless, sleeping in separate bedrooms, he and his wife aggravate and annoy each other rather than love and respect each other, he claims (and I actually believe him) that he tried really hard to improve and save his marriage and things would get better temporarily and then become shyte again.

 

Although he and wife are more than 60 years old, all their kids are adults, not millionaires but money not a problem, they don't love each other any more, and still he was so majorly afraid of change that he couldn't get a divorce. In addition to all the wacky emotional baggage that we all have, I think he might have a mild form of one of the personality disorders; he has fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of what other people will say, fear of financial insecurity beyond reasonable concerns, and many other oddities.

 

All of the above just FYI and background, not to defend myself or back-pedal about my original "I didn't care" statement. Y'all know that my overall sentiment is "mea culpa".

 

If the bolded is a personality disorder, then MOST men have it - and a lot of women! Human nature - not a personality disorder - that we aren't that comfortable with change. So many studies have been done on this - and a lot of studies showing why many men stay in marriages - and that is THE big one - fear of change, fear of the unknown. Men are creatures of habit, generally - therefore, change is very difficult for them.

 

Life is messy - relationships are messy - that is the reality. Each situation needs to be viewed and analyzed individually with all the factors and variables considered. And imo, judgment should be with-held as we are all muddling our way through, ya know?

 

I admit, I've been guilty of it - judging exMM and his now exW - saying in my head, "wtf is wrong with them? They are miserable, why do they stay?". And exMM and his now exW had some very good reasons for staying - in their minds and probably in their reality. So - eh, live and let live. That's why I removed myself from the equation - I was unhappy with my own discomfort regarding their comfort with dysfunction - lol. And, in the end, the best thing for them was the divorce - but that was something that THEY had to decide - and in their own time and with their own comfort level and within the confines of their own reality and situation.