I stayed with MM for 4 years - I feel stupid - do you have similar story?

[lynn1954]

I dated a married man for four years. I feel so stupid. Now, I broke up with him permanently. I'll tell my story, and I'd like to hear your story.

 

I percieve myself as "good" and "smart", and I'd like to know if this happened to other "good", "smart" people.

 

I was 55 years old. I was a divorced woman with a nice home, nice job, nice kids, nice family and friends, etc.

 

I met a man age 58 online, and we got together. He admitted almost immediately that he was married, but I didn't care. I was super-attracted to him physically and emotionally, loved spending time with him.

 

He consistently indicated that he would get a divorce, but he never did.

 

After two years, my gut feelings told me that I should end the relationship. It took me two more years after that to actually end it.

 

So, now I'm 59 years old, free of the bad relationship, but feeling so stupid and regretful about it. It was such a dis-honest and "evil" thing to do. I sabotaged my own self-worth, my integrity, my dignity. I stressed myself out by keeping this secret from everyone for four years. I wasted so much time!! What was I thinking??

 

I take full responsibility for the bad choices I made. However, he was a smooth manipulator who always managed to hold on to me every time I tried to break free.

 

At first, I didn't even know I was being manipulated. After I figured it out, it was still tricky because I always felt that he didn't even know that he was being manipulative. He was an immature, needy man-boy.

 

He always said he loved me, and he did nice things for me like taking me out to restaurants, watching TV shows I like, stroking my hair and massaging my back, doing household repairs, etc. He always said "I love you more than any other man" and "I take better care of you than any other man".

 

If this happened to you, too, please tell me about it. If you are not registered here and can't post, then just read and know that, if this also happened to you, you're not alone.

[wisernow]

Welcome to LS. Your story has been told here countless times. You can read all the pages and pages of similar stories with similar outcomes. Again, welcome, and glad you're in a better place.

[lynn1954]

Thanks, wisernow and hockeyfan.

 

I looked around the forum and hadn't seen any stories like mine to read.

 

Can you tell me where those stories are?

 

Wisernow, your response was very warm.

 

Hockeyfan, you seemed a little "Hey, if you made a stupid mistake don't expect any sympathy from me". If someone posts something here and they're looking for a little comfort, but you're not sympathetic because they caused their own problem, couldn't you just leave their post un-answered? On the other hand, tell me why you're on this website, maybe I'd have some comfort or sympathy for you if I knew why you're here?

[lynn1954]

Thanks, hockeyfan, I'll look through the forum threads again.

 

Also, I thought by posting my story as a new post it might interest or apply to someone else who is also new to this website, and also had not seen the old threads.

 

Not sure why you're being so hard on me.

 

Yes, I want someone to say "Yeah, that happened to me, too, and I can sympathize with what you're going through".

 

If you did not make the same mistake that I made, then can't you just skip answering my post?

 

If you made a mistake of any kind and posted it here, I would not retort back to you "Well, too bad that you're stupid." I'd say something reassuring, comforting and sympathetic OR I wouldn't reply at all.

 

I thought this was a support forum, not a judgment forum.

[SoleMate]

Many people have made the same mistake in one way or another.

 

Lots of people on this forum want to support but there is indeed a minority who will attack without a thought of actually helping people fix issues.

 

For the OP, it is important that you own your part in the r/s, which you are doing to some degree. But you still deserve our respect and best advice (or silence). You can block any poster who you choose to.

 

Final thought: It's good you have ended it, it was not a good r/s for you to be in. OTOH, you did have benefit and enjoyment so it's not that hard to understand why you stayed like you did.

[TigerCub]

Hi Lynn,

 

I'm sorry you're in pain right now.

 

I think most people have a hard time understanding how anyone willingly goes into an affair situation. A lot of people have been hurt by affairs also, and I'm sure feel anger rather than sympathy for someone the knowingly got involved with someone else's spouse.

 

But despite all that, you have been through a lot, you are in pain and you should get the support you seek.

 

I'm glad that you got out of that toxic relationship. I'm glad that you see it for what it is and that hopefully you learned how destructive and cruel those relationships are.

 

Stay strong and maintain no contact with your xmm. Keep that door closed and move on to happier and healthier relationships.

 

And remember- as bleak as things may seem right now - they will get better and you can move past all this.

[wanting more]

Are you looking for a story exactly like yours?? Age, length of A, meeting on the Internet. If you go back and just start reading any OW stories, you'll realize 99.99% are all the same. We all have something in common, the A. The age, length, where you met really doesnt matter. I was involved an A for over 3 years. We met at work. I knew he was married. We were friends/co-workers for almost 3 years before the A began. We had a horrible ending. It broke my heart at the time. Then I realised I'm so much better without him. He was a lying POS. I had heard all the ILYs, so many bs lies.

 

There will be many replies to your post. Some may be really harsh to read. If it upsets you, stop Reading those particular replies. There are many people here, (OW, OM and BS) that will offer advice. Good advice. People who have been in your shoes. Overall it's a good place to vent, learn and grow from

 

 

And my words of wisdom from experience. " you will get better, you will get stronger".

[Goodbye]

No two stories will be alike. But, the common theme when involved with a MM is the pain of longing for something that will just never be, in spite of promises otherwise.

 

My story has some similarities. What helps me is to think of it as a break up. Even if this man had been single, relationships end. That is the truth. Most relationships do not evolve into marriages, some do. I try not to think of the time I had with him as wasted time, but rather time with ups and downs which is now just another life lesson. I know it is a rationalization.

 

Hang in there. Learn from it. Don't do it again. Stay busy and heal with time.

[Coward]

No I can't relate. I never expected MM to leave. Sure, he said he was unhappy and was going to leave. But that didn't matter to me one way or the other. I think you set yourself up and your expectations were too high and extremely unrealistic from the get go. Now for whatever reason the relationship ended and you look back and regret the time you invested. That's silly. You both got something out of it didn't you? If you truly regret, because you wanted someone for yourself, then try to find someone single. But when you date someone married you have to know the deal. They rarely leave and think about it, would you really deep down want to take another woman's husband for yourself--take him out of his marriage? Deep down we all know what we are doing is wrong and desperate. If you want integrity and respect, date someone single. Be glad the relationship was there when you needed and so was he. Don't regret it and don't be bitter over it. But now it's time to move on?

[Goodbye]

Your story main theme has been told a zillion times in the forum. Just stay here and you will see how they show up on a daily basis.

 

Do not beat yourself up. You were 55 and had already been married with kids. So you lower your requirements a bit and ignored his marital status. I am certain you would have not done this at age 25.

 

In any event you wanted the relationship very badly and subconsciously overlooked a lot of things. CHeating men can spot women like you a mile away, he played you and took advantage or your innocence. But, do not despair, you did nothing wrong (other than ignore his marital status).

 

The main lesson here is that affairs rarely work unless the cheating spouse is quickly leaving the marriage and has started divorce proceedings. THis is called an exit affair.

 

You lost no time in this. At least you has a relationship between 55-59, there are some positives in there.

 

Stay away from married men, that is your take home message.

 

Curious Pierre...You think the age of the OW makes it "less" bad? "Less" her fault? If she had been a 30 year old single woman, would this be different?

[anne1707]

Curious Pierre...You think the age of the OW makes it "less" bad? "Less" her fault? If she had been a 30 year old single woman, would this be different?

 

No. Based on past comments, he just thinks age makes women more desperate.

[awkward]

Be proud that you got out now and didn't wait 4 more years. I hope LS helps you heal. The stories are the same, but some of the details change. The endings are almost always the same. MM stays married.

 

You are going to encounter different types of views here. Some OW are fine with being the OW and aren't looking to get out or wish they could get back in. Some OW have moved on and are glad of it. Some BS are upset and some are not. Try not to let the posts bother you. Just like in real life, you would get a variety of responses.

Edited April 14, 2013 by awkward

[Goodbye]

Pierre discriminates based on age. He thinks older people are worth less. He's shared that information hundreds of times in his postings.

 

He should cut me more slack then lol, as I'm almost 46!