A Success Story - VERY LONG

[rble618740]

I'm almost afraid to post this message. I don't want to jinx myself.

 

I entitled this post "A Success Story" because, well, it is, in my opinion. This site has been wonderful and I intend to keep checking in, but for those of you who wonder if a marriage can be better after separation, it can.

 

I have read lots of posts asking for someone like me to tell their story, so I am going to. I know it's long (o.k. - very long), but hopefully it's helpful.

 

In June of this year, my husband of nine months left. The next day, while I was gone, he came and got all of his things. I called him and he said he did not intend to come back. He didn't leave because he was angry and wanted to scare me or call my bluff. He left because he was done with our marriage. For good.

 

I cried, I begged him to come home, I promised to change, and so forth and so on. Many of you know what this behavior looks like, I'm not proud of it. I contacted a friend's preacher (because I was not established in a church at that time) and the preacher's advice was threefold: 1. STOP Begging! 2. Affirm your love for your husband and commitment to your marriage. 3. Assert your key issues.

 

I was relieved to hear that I was not obliged to beg my husband to come home as some part of my duty to do everything to save my marriage. I immediately stopped begging. Everytime I talked with my husband, I affirmed my love and commitment, I listened carefully at what he had to say, and then I took my turn asserting my key issues (which I had written out before we talked).

 

After our second conversation, my husband commented on how wonderfully we were communicating (which he didn't think was possible with me) but said he didn't think we'd ever be able to work things out. I stayed the course. I told him that I disagreed, but that ultimately, if he didn't want to be in this marriage there was nothing I could do about it. I frequently let him know that our marriage was not a trap for him, and that if he decided he wanted a divorce, that I had no control over that decision. It was his to make.

 

After a few weeks, I told my husband that I was going to see a counselor. I told him I was bound to be a better person for this experience whether he came home or not. I told my husband, truthfully, that some of the things he pointed out about me were things that I knew were true and that I wanted to change for myself. I invited my husband, but did not beg or try to guilt him into going, to counseling with me. He decided he wanted to go.

 

Still, I stayed the course. When I had emotional episodes, I rode them out. I didn't call my husband crying. In fact, I tried to write things down when I got upset so that I could stick to the important things and talk about them calmly when my husband and I next talked. If I felt we needed to talk, I'd let him know and ask him when he wanted to have the conversation. These "scheduled" talks put some distance between the issue and my emotions. They also allowed me to prepare for the discussion by thinking through the 3 or 4 points I wanted to make, writing those points down, and putting examples (where appropriate). When we talked, I affirmed my love and commitment and I asserted my points. I didn't stray from those points, I didn't cry, I presented them as my perception (instead of fact), and I didn't attack my husband. I stopped making assumptions. I stopped assuming what my husband was thinking or feeling and, instead, asked him to share some of his thoughts and feelings. I stopped saying things like, "You must not love me or you wouldn't ________ or If you loved me you would _________."

 

My husband started asking me to do things. We "dated" for about two months. Finally, I felt like "dating" was enabling my husband to put off making a decision of whether to really work on our marriage. I kindly told my husband that I love him, I'm still committed to our marriage, but that I was not interested in "dating" my husband any longer. If he wanted to spend time together talking about us, that I'd always be interested in that. He tried to call and make small talk a couple of times and I politely reiterated that I wasn't interested in making small talk. That I was leaving him alone to make a decision about whether he wanted to move forward with our marriage.

 

After about a week, he asked if he could come home on a trial basis. That was a month ago. Things have been going terrifically. The best advice I can give is, BE STILL. Don't make any rash or emotional decisions. Separation is an emotional roller coaster. It totally sucks. You're going to have to be patient. You may have to do more of the work than is fair, do it. You may have to concentrate on being a better spouse, while your husband/wife doesn't give a second thought to whether they are being a good spouse to you. Do it. You definitely have to realize that, you can't make someone come home. Come to grips with that and find some level of peace with the situation. It's unnatural for a married couple to be living apart. There is inherently some emotional turmoil. Getting and staying calm is the best thing you can do for yourself, and ironically, it will probably be attractive to your mate. They very well may have left because they thought it was the only way to achieve peace. If you find peace for yourself, they will notice.

 

I literally visualized releasing pain to God when I would feel it welling up inside me. Imagining myself packaging that pain and handing it to someone better equipped to deal with it was wonderful. When my husband first left, I did this about every half hour. Then I did it once an hour. Then a couple of times a day. Now I use that tool when I start thinking about things that hurt me or make me feel bad (like the day my husband left, or things we said to each other during arguments), or when he says something to me that is upsetting. Instead of unleashing on my husband in an effort to hurt him as bad as he hurts me, or to show him how awful the thing is that he has said or done, I give it to God. Then I tell my husband in a very clam way, and after some time has passed, that what he did hurt me. I tell him what it made me feel like and I take responsibility for those feelings. But, thankfully, this has only happened twice since June.

 

I don't know what's going to happen with my husband and I. I am, however, better for the experience of separation. I have found, through God, patience, strength, love, understanding and forgiveness that I never thought possible. I have given these things without regard to whether my husband deserved them. If things don't work out for us, I will continue the personal growth I've experienced during this time. I will go forward knowing that I did everything possible to save my marriage. I will not have to wonder whether I gave up to early because of pride, self-centeredness, unforgivingness or vengefulness. If he walks away, at this point, it's a reflection on him.

 

Right now, it's day to day and it's going great. My husband has responded amazingly (and much to my surprise) to my efforts. I had no idea that if I made the first move and kept making it, focusing on being a better wife, that he eventually would reciprocate my efforts. My husband still may not be working as hard as I am, I don't know because I'm not judging his efforts (whether they are as large as mine, whether they are falling short, whether they are in the areas I pointed out, etc.). I'm just appreciating them. That's not to say that I don't feel that I can honestly discuss problems with him. It's just that those discussions are calm, loving and, yielding better results than the knock-down-drag-outs we used to have over every little thing.

 

Please feel free to ask anything about our separation. I am an open book if it can help someone. We've got LOTS of work left to do, but he's home, he's recommitted to our marriage, and things are going well. I hope this gives some of you hope. I am certainly no expert, but I may just be a few steps further down this rough road than some of you, and I wanted you to know how the ending could look. I wish each and every one of you the best of luck.

[bambi_4]

I'm so happy for you and your husband. A lot of what you spoke about are things you know you need to do to give someone their space and changes you need to make in yourself but its hard to put into action. Your advice is great and i believe it was your faith to go to that preacher.

 

If I have questions I will sure ask you on it.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

I wish you and your husband the best.

 

I'll say a little prayer for ye both

[Scott S]

Hurray for the both of you!

 

Marriage is indeed a high-maintenance relationship. Everyone has to contribute. No one can carry the entire relationship on his/her shoulders.

 

Just keep at it, & keep the positive attitude!!

[Tracy]

Yes, you def have a success story. Many of us know these are the right things to do, or at least read it in text books, but we aren't able to follow through. We are CAPABLE, but too weak.

 

I wish my H and I could have salvaged our marriage earlier. Have been divorced and apart 2 1/2 years, and are now living together trying to reconcile. Man, it's hard. It seems like once it's gone and you let it go too far, it's impossible to get back. That may not be true, I'm sure anything is possible, but it sure seems like it sometimes. You have done a great job of actually doing what many people know is right and should do. However, I think you were also successful because you did it early enough. Some of us have to go through more and let things get too far before we realize what we SHOULD have done.....

 

I wish I had read your post when H and I first separated...but, I doubt I would have had the willpower, strength, knowledge to follow through. If anyone else reading this is at the stage you are in.....PLEASE try to follow through with rble618740's suggestions.....you will be so thankful you did. Much worth the effort.....good job.

[prevch]

very good work and thank you for the great post