90 days no contact

[Amelie1980]

Still not reAlly any better. Still don't get out of bed at weekends and can't concentrate at work. I thought NC was supposed to heal.

[i.am]

I thought so too. When the part of you can't move on, NC don't heal at all. I'm stuck too. Not moving on at all. No matter how much I cracked my brain on what I can do to make myself feel better, nothing.

[KatZee]

Still not reAlly any better. Still don't get out of bed at weekends and can't concentrate at work. I thought NC was supposed to heal.

 

Nope. NC does not heal. I mean sure it does, on a certain level, but NC isn't going to be what heals you.

 

Read what you wrote. "Still don't get out of bed at weekends."

 

Why?

 

I know you're not physically incapable of getting up and enjoying your weekend, so why are you punishing yourself? You can't just tick boxes off on the calendar, say this is day 90 NC and expect to be OK.

 

Along with NC you need to do the work. That means force yourself out of bed. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity. Stop thinking things are so horrible. Get up, take a shower and get out there for a nice walk in the park. Sit at a coffee shop with the newspaper, ENJOY the beautiful days that are life. Take a drive with your windows open, go explore a nearby city that you've never seen. Drive to a coast line and watch the waves hit the shore. Feed the seagulls--it's kind of hilarious to watch, so it'll get you laughing! MINEMINEMINE!

 

Hit up some old friends, reconnect. Ask them to hang out and grab a bite to eat. If you want to meet new folks, join Meetup.com. Great site. I can attest to that.

 

Clean your home. Do a complete overhaul and spring clean. Open your windows and let the light in. Blast your music and dance like a maniac!

 

You have to GET UP. GET MOVING. This is the only way you're going to feel better. It's day 90. Nothings changed. Now it's time to try something else besides laying in bed.

[crustyjojo]

Nope. NC does not heal. I mean sure it does, on a certain level, but NC isn't going to be what heals you.

 

Read what you wrote. "Still don't get out of bed at weekends."

 

Why?

 

I know you're not physically incapable of getting up and enjoying your weekend, so why are you punishing yourself? You can't just tick boxes off on the calendar, say this is day 90 NC and expect to be OK.

 

Along with NC you need to do the work. That means force yourself out of bed. Stop wallowing in your own self-pity. Stop thinking things are so horrible. Get up, take a shower and get out there for a nice walk in the park. Sit at a coffee shop with the newspaper, ENJOY the beautiful days that are life. Take a drive with your windows open, go explore a nearby city that you've never seen. Drive to a coast line and watch the waves hit the shore. Feed the seagulls--it's kind of hilarious to watch, so it'll get you laughing! MINEMINEMINE!

 

Hit up some old friends, reconnect. Ask them to hang out and grab a bite to eat. If you want to meet new folks, join Meetup.com. Great site. I can attest to that.

 

Clean your home. Do a complete overhaul and spring clean. Open your windows and let the light in. Blast your music and dance like a maniac!

 

You have to GET UP. GET MOVING. This is the only way you're going to feel better. It's day 90. Nothings changed. Now it's time to try something else besides laying in bed.

 

This is great advice - seriously!

 

I wallowed for a while, and I do still have bad days (usually nights) BUT, I've starting exercising harder, pursuing my hobbies with new determination and vigour and have booked myself an overseas trip to get away from all the crap here. (I cannot avoid but see my ex all the time).

 

I've never been one to get up and dance without a few drinks in me - but I've found my old ipod with tunes from my younger years and believe it or not I've been up at 6am and danced around my house like there is no tomorrow. I dread what the neighbours may think when they see my on my balcony - but I dont care. It is part of the healing process and finding me again.

 

Believe me, it is hard to haul your ass out of bed some days. Make yourself do it - go for a walk - anything to get out of the house - smile at any people you may come across and say good morning or whatever. You'll be surprised how good it makes you feel when someone smiles back like you made their day you said hello.

 

Try it - it cant make things any worse:)

[KatZee]

Ever wonder about what he's doing

How it all turned to lies

Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

 

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Gotta get up and try, and try, and try

You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

 

:):)

[mammasita]

NC is a tool, not a fix.

 

Have you ever seen a hammer pound a nail on its own. No?, ok.

[na49]

You think ignoring them, sitting by the phone waiting for them to call, laying in bed pining for them is supposed to heal you?

 

Nope. but that's not what NC is.

[Mack05]

Think of NC like making a commitment to join a gym. It's the first positive step in your recovery.

 

It's fine paying the gym membership every month and turning up to the gym everyday sitting in the jacuzzi, but if you don't do the real hard work you won't see the results..

[Amelie1980]

Think of NC like making a commitment to join a gym. It's the first positive step in your recovery.

 

It's fine paying the gym membership every month and turning up to the gym everyday sitting in the jacuzzi, but if you don't do the real hard work you won't see the results..

 

I've been paing the gym fee since September 2010.

 

Stopped going for the last 4 months and i'm 14lbs lighter. Go figure!

[Minneloa]

Amelie,

 

What do you think of KatZee's suggestions? Could you pick one to try today?

 

M.

[Amelie1980]

I did several of them yesterday including some retail therapy.

 

Didn't work.

[Minneloa]

Good for you! Be patient with yourself. If you have been spending most weekends in bed, it will take a while for your brain and body to adjust to new patterns of activity and positive stimuli. I urge you to keep trying and have faith that your efforts will eventually pay off.

 

Sending good thoughts.

 

M.

[youngnlove89]

I've been where you are. I've been on that dead end road that I just sit at, hoping for something or someone (him) to come and save me. But all you will ever do is wait for nothing. You'll twiddle your thumbs, tap your feet, and play with your hair, but you'll never go anywhere. There is no easy way out. There's no magic pill, no drink that lasts long enough, there is just you, on your own and picking up the pieces. All you have to count on is yourself.

 

Where you are now is only because you have chosen to be there. Until you make that effort and stick to it, you will continue to twiddle your thumbs. And once you make that move, it's still a constant commitment. Every day you wake up, you have to make that choice again,, to change, to get out of bed and live your life, even if it feels like it's not helping. Every inch you move, is an inch closer to you getting where you need to be. It's not a quick process, don't expect things to just magically fall into your lap. Stand up, and put the time and work it takes to get it. This isn't because the universe is cruel. It's because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don't appreciate things that fall right into our laps.

 

If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives. You'll find you’re way again.

 

When things don't work out, find something that will.

Edited April 14, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Jono85]

honestly, don't stress about 90 days having gone by and you're not back to normal. i'm just over 4 months NC, but we broke up last summer, very LC until the end of last year. it didn't really sink in that it was over over until i started the NC in december.

 

anyway for me, only within the last week have i noticed huge strides in how i feel about everything. ppl have many peaks and valleys in NC, and this is the greatest i've felt in relation to our breakup/being over her, so i'm just sort of waiting to make sure it's not just a peak, followed by a valley, and it's more stable. i feel like it's very stable and it excites me.

 

last week i just came to the realization of all of her personality flaws, and how at some point in our relationship, i settled and dismissed character flaws and made excuses for them, even though deep down i was like "this isn't right, this is not the kind of girl i dreamed i'd marry". i was raised a certain way, with pretty strong values, and although this girl isn't a terrible person or anything, she grew up basically without her mom or dad (mom was 18 and gave her to her grandparents to be raised) and she has a lot of issues b/c of it. she's just very selfish, princess-ish, everything is all about how SHE feels, which in turn produces pretty disrespectful actions at times, very insecure/low self-esteem and feeds off male validation, and the list goes on.

 

i knew all these things, but for me, i never had a girl adore me the way she did, and in a sense, it validated me, and i forgave/looked past all these red flags that deep down i just wasn't okay with (i even tried breaking up with her a couple times, but she begged and pleaded/manipulated/guilted me 1000% and i cared for her too much to not give in).

 

point i'm making, is that last week something just clicked (i was actually reading about a celeb who had very similar character flaws, and reading comments trashing her, and thought how similar my ex was to her lol). and i finally realized how better off i am without all that nonsense. that's not the girl i want to marry. someone so full of themselves, who throws mini tantrums when things don't go there way, etc. she was a child. i actually thought it was cute at times, and to be honest, it even turned me on at times, her princess-ness, but at the end of the day, it caused a LOT of fights at the same time, and totally infuriated me too. it can be cute in moderation, but highly annoying most of the time.

 

so yea took me 4 months to come to this realization and a huge weight has been lifted. i was worried this would never come, but it has, and i didn't need a new crush for it to come. i wrote down all this crap in a journal i recently bought and all the negative traits and memories that made me boil ("remember when she...?!? ..all of them lol) and it's really helped. i don't want a child and i KNOW she's never going to change. that's who she is. her upbringing made her that way. but it's amazing it took so long for me to actually take her off the pedestal i had her on and see her flaws for what they really are.

 

coles notes: hang in there, 3 months doesn't mean anything, better times are ahead. give it time.

[thefooloftheyear]

Still not reAlly any better. Still don't get out of bed at weekends and can't concentrate at work. I thought NC was supposed to heal.

 

 

Youre right in the teeth of it, Amelie.. Its like you gotta feel some pain to get to the "promised land"...I have been in NC for 4.5 months and have been getting breadcrumbs regularly(althoug not in the last month-whew). Sometimes I think NC is some vicous from of torture so I know how you feel, believe me. Im not healed either, but starting to show some signs of relief. Trust me on this. You dont want any breadcrumbs or BS contacts..Its worse than NC.

 

Hang in there, girl. you WILL be better!

 

TFOY

[KatZee]

I did several of them yesterday including some retail therapy.

 

Didn't work.

 

You need to flip your mentality. You're stuck in a dark and negative place.

 

Instead, you should say, "Yes. I tried several of them yesterday. It was OK, but I'm going to do even more stuff tomorrow and I'm going to feel great!"

 

Instead of gravitating towards, "This doesn't work. I'm miserable" you should gravitate towards, "I'm going to find something that works! I'm going to find a passion, I'm GOING to be happy!"

[Amelie1980]

You need to flip your mentality. You're stuck in a dark and negative place.

 

Instead, you should say, "Yes. I tried several of them yesterday. It was OK, but I'm going to do even more stuff tomorrow and I'm going to feel great!"

 

Instead of gravitating towards, "This doesn't work. I'm miserable" you should gravitate towards, "I'm going to find something that works! I'm going to find a passion, I'm GOING to be happy!"

 

I'm just too tired now.....

[siankat]

I'm gonna say something no one wants to hear.

 

Sometimes no matter what we do, we can't achieve that same happy feeling we had with the person we lost in our lives. Knowing they are out there but we are not with them is hard. Especially if we still wanted them as they are and they no longer want to be with us anymore.

 

The things that got me through:

 

1) making myself priority again (as i focused too much on him to distract myself from the really hard task of facing and bettering myself and following my dreams

 

2) sometimes i feel really really happy, and like myself more, because of how i handled the breakup assessing the situation in good time and bowing out gracefully

 

3) knowing that i would have given a lot for me to be special to him, as he was to me. The reality would have been me always chasing his love and losing sight of myself and basically living on standby it felt like. Him first, me second.

 

4) courage to know that i left a man i felt in my heart was good enough (never felt that before) and survived and could survive it. He proved me wrong but the feeling still remains even though i know he is not for me.

 

I think a lot of the ache comes from fear of anticipation of life without him. Once i realised i could laugh once after the breakup, not think about him for 5 minutes in a day, manage to cram down a whole piece of bread and not just nicking corners off it from the fear that gripped my gut, that's when i knew if i helped myself, i could laugh more, not think about him for longer periods, and get back to my life without him. I miss that feeling of yearning and being with him and i probably could go back but i wouldn't because i just can't afford to.

[Wings Of Love]

I know how you're feeling. I remember a time when I cut off contact with my ex and just hoped that would be the end of it. I, like you, was unable to get out of bed. I couldn't concentrate on anything. In fact there were times where it felt as though I'd lost several hours, nothing but a blank space.

 

But after my loved ones talked some sense into me I realised that I would not heal if I didn't try. So from that day I forced myself to get out of bed, I got out of the house as much as possible. If I wanted company, I'd seek it. If I needed to be alone, I'd find somewhere quiet. I didn't bottle up emotions, I wrote about my feelings and it was a weight off my shoulders. And every single day I found something to smile about. The process was long, but I made it and I'm much happier. You will too. Time is the best healer.

 

NC does not heal us, it is just the first step down the road of recovery. Only you can take the necessary steps to continue down that road. Best of luck to you.