Withdrawal symptoms

[Goodbye]

My mm instigated NC with me, couched as "I need a break to figure stuff out." This was only two days ago.

 

I KNOW I need to do NC. I know I need to walk away, fix my own life, leave him alone to do whatever it is he plans to do with his mess of a life.

 

The thing is, I lost my best friend. Yes, maybe it was a crappy, dishonest best friend, but we did share a great deal of intimacy, emotionally and this is what is so hard. I miss him terribly, and I made a mistake last night and emailed him one sentence..."I miss you so much."

 

I guess this is just a vent post. I know I need to delete all of his contact information, figure out away to GO AWAY and not look back for a long time. It is hard, so hard.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My mm instigated NC with me, couched as "I need a break to figure stuff out." This was only two days ago.

 

I KNOW I need to do NC. I know I need to walk away, fix my own life, leave him alone to do whatever it is he plans to do with his mess of a life.

 

The thing is, I lost my best friend. Yes, maybe it was a crappy, dishonest best friend, but we did share a great deal of intimacy, emotionally and this is what is so hard. I miss him terribly, and I made a mistake last night and emailed him one sentence..."I miss you so much."

 

I guess this is just a vent post. I know I need to delete all of his contact information, figure out away to GO AWAY and not look back for a long time. It is hard, so hard.

 

Believe me when I say "I feel your pain", because I really do. My XMM did the same thing. I made so many mistakes early on because I missed him so much. I did the same thing - sent emails, etc. There would be an intermittent response early on but not much. Then finally when he confessed the secret email account to his wife and he sent the "no contact email " (which he told me later she made him do it), I responded and the absolute worst sinking feeling was when it came back undeliverable. That pain was excruciating. Of course we did have contact again but then finally it was nc for three years now.

 

Try the best you can to steer clear - give him space. Let him work out things on his end - to whatever end is supposed to be. No one can say for sure what will happen, but his situation is between he and his wife and they need to figure that out. It is best for you not to be there while this is going on - trust me - it will be ugly enough between the two of them.

 

I saw some of your posts earlier - i can't remember - are you married?

 

Lots of hugs!

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I'm sure you're hurting, which I'm sorry for. But, from your other post about mailing back the 'tshirt' he sent you..... that isn't really a move someone would do to their 'best friend' that they now "miss so much." If I were him, I wouldn't contact you-- because you basically just threw him under the bus possibly by his wife seeing the package.

 

I'm just saying that when you enter into an A with a MM (knowing he is M), you sort of sign up for things. And, I think that for someone to say how much they love this OM and they are best friends-- you don't just throw something in their face the second you get your feelings hurt. Take some responsibility for the situation you ALLOWED yourself to be in. You are only NC because he said he wanted it-- but in two days you've thrown a large stone by sending BACK that package.

 

I'm a current OW-- so I'm not saying these things to be mean, just for you to see all sides. You can't get mad at him for sending a package, then send him an "I miss you" email the next day. Your emotions are ALL over the place and youre asking for trouble. Good luck with everything. Maybe take some time away to figure out what you really do want from this.

[Goodbye]

Believe me when I say "I feel your pain", because I really do. My XMM did the same thing. I made so many mistakes early on because I missed him so much. I did the same thing - sent emails, etc. There would be an intermittent response early on but not much. Then finally when he confessed the secret email account to his wife and he sent the "no contact email " (which he told me later she made him do it), I responded and the absolute worst sinking feeling was when it came back undeliverable. That pain was excruciating. Of course we did have contact again but then finally it was nc for three years now.

 

Try the best you can to steer clear - give him space. Let him work out things on his end - to whatever end is supposed to be. No one can say for sure what will happen, but his situation is between he and his wife and they need to figure that out. It is best for you not to be there while this is going on - trust me - it will be ugly enough between the two of them.

 

I saw some of your posts earlier - i can't remember - are you married?

 

Lots of hugs!

 

Thanks for the words of support. No, I am not married...divorced.

[Goodbye]

Greyhound, I see your points. For sure. The whole situation makes me feel a bit bi-polar. Which I am not, thankfully.

[wanting more]

It's a roller coaster you're on now. I can remember right after d-day thinking I love him, I miss him, I hate him, I don't want to ever see him again. There we be lots of ups and downs. One thing I did was to write him these long letters, letters of love, letters of hate. I probably wrote one a day. I never sent them. I later would read them and realised the man I thought wasn't a man. He was a coward. A lying coward. I as so happy I didnt send him anything after d-day. Keep writing him all the emails you want, just don't send them. It won't make you feel better (as you know already)

 

Just keep posting here, most people will understand the roller coaster of emotions.

[awkward]

Goodbye, you need to let go for yourself. It was an affair. He chose to remain married. If you believe that, then you know you need to move on. Staying, waiting, romanticizing him, etc. only keeps you stuck in this painful place longer. Rip the band aid off, feel the pain, and start working on healing the wound.

[Goodbye]

Any methods for letting go?

[Praying4Peace]

Goodbye,

 

I feel your pain. I really do. I mourn the friendship more than anything as well. It all came out of this friendship- the 'click'- the compatibility...and then evolved into the dreaded A.

 

Right now you are telling yourself- "He just let me go" or "He didn't even care" or you're having visions of him being so happy and thrilled with his life. Be realistic for one second- if he was your best friend and you feel like it was mutual (only you know the answer to this one) then he is suffering a loss as well, no? You are worthy of being missed too. He did send you a tshirt and a lengthy love note, right?

 

Don't take this personally. Love and feelings isn't enough always. There is so much more needed for a happy life. He needs to figure out what he can live with. It is hell when your spouse finds out. It's no longer just about the problems in the marriage- its a major major betrayal. And to just pack up and leave? That would be heartless if you really think about it. Aking to stabbing someone in the back and then kicking them out the door. Would you even want to be with someone so cold hearted. I'm sure he cares about you but part of that is not putting you in a situation where you feel like the 'secret'.

 

If you really, really love him- just let him go. Let him figure it out and if you aren't part of that picture don't take it as a slap in the face just take it as the way life goes. Just take care of yourself. Know that you are a wonderful, fun person and there are other fish in the sea (though at this point its better to sit in the boat alone for a bit).

 

I don't mean to scare you but I am 4 months NC. I still think of him everyday. I'm also finalizing a divorce because its just too messed up and I need to let him go too. I sometimes wish my H was here and we could just relax and do nothing, maybe catch a movie. Then I miss my ex-MM. But what I've realized is all of that is in the past. I am mourning ghosts.

 

 

It'll get better. Hang in there. Have you tried counseling? It helps. Theres no short cut solution. You have to live your way through these feelings.

 

Lots and lot of virtual ((Hugs)) coming your way.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye,

 

I feel your pain. I really do. I mourn the friendship more than anything as well. It all came out of this friendship- the 'click'- the compatibility...and then evolved into the dreaded A.

 

Right now you are telling yourself- "He just let me go" or "He didn't even care" or you're having visions of him being so happy and thrilled with his life. Be realistic for one second- if he was your best friend and you feel like it was mutual (only you know the answer to this one) then he is suffering a loss as well, no? You are worthy of being missed too. He did send you a tshirt and a lengthy love note, right?

 

Don't take this personally. Love and feelings isn't enough always. There is so much more needed for a happy life. He needs to figure out what he can live with. It is hell when your spouse finds out. It's no longer just about the problems in the marriage- its a major major betrayal. And to just pack up and leave? That would be heartless if you really think about it. Aking to stabbing someone in the back and then kicking them out the door. Would you even want to be with someone so cold hearted. I'm sure he cares about you but part of that is not putting you in a situation where you feel like the 'secret'.

 

If you really, really love him- just let him go. Let him figure it out and if you aren't part of that picture don't take it as a slap in the face just take it as the way life goes. Just take care of yourself. Know that you are a wonderful, fun person and there are other fish in the sea (though at this point its better to sit in the boat alone for a bit).

 

I don't mean to scare you but I am 4 months NC. I still think of him everyday. I'm also finalizing a divorce because its just too messed up and I need to let him go too. I sometimes wish my H was here and we could just relax and do nothing, maybe catch a movie. Then I miss my ex-MM. But what I've realized is all of that is in the past. I am mourning ghosts.

 

 

It'll get better. Hang in there. Have you tried counseling? It helps. Theres no short cut solution. You have to live your way through these feelings.

 

Lots and lot of virtual ((Hugs)) coming your way.

 

 

Thanks so much. I appreciate your insights.

 

I have tried counseling, I've been in counseling since my divorce. I've tried to discuss my A with my therapist and in a support group and all I ever get is minimal feedback...as if the relationship isn't worthy to discuss, as it should never have been. Seriously, my therapist cut me off last week when I started to talk about MM and said "you need to focus on yourself and not on a relationship right now." Yeah, well...I know this. But...I need SOMEWHERE to talk about this. I've said this before, but I think the very hardest part of being the OW in an affair with a MM, is that you have the relationship in secret and therefore you must grieve in secret. I don't have girlfriends ringing me up wanting to watch movies and eat icecream this time.

[Praying4Peace]

You should try a new counselor. Mine is something like yours. I don't even like to bring up the A because the script is something like "Well you both knew that it probably wouldn't work out and its over and its going to take at least 2 years to get over it since it was such an intense emotional and physical attachment". Then we move on to other things. Its to the point that Im embarrassed to tell her I still think of him all the time. How lame am I?

 

I know its normal to grieve like this. I think I should spend my therapy $$ on acupuncture or something else soothing : )

[lynn1954]

Goodbye:

 

You asked for methods for letting go. Here are some suggestions, I hope some of these help.

 

You are missing your emotional connection to him. Who are the other people in your life that you have a strong emotional connection to: friend, co-worker, family member? Spend time with the people who make you feel most loved, most cherished, who feed your emotional needs.

 

On the other hand, are there people in your life with whom you'd like to have a better and stronger connection: a good friend or co-worker who could become a great friend or co-worker? A brother, sister, cousin who you'd like to be closer to? Seek them out and offer them your intimacy.

 

Talk positively to yourself: "I deserve a healthy relationship with someone who is available to me and wants only me". "After I recover from the hurt of this breakup, I'll be free to find a healthier and happier relationship that will give me so much more joy than this relationship did"

 

Talk negatively to yourself about him: "He may have some good qualities, but his actions, choices and decisions have been bad for me."

 

Keep your thoughts totally in the present moment, not yesterday and not tomorrow.

 

Do you work outside the home? Does your work keep you distracted from personal problems, or is your work just another source of stress?

 

What activities do you love to do at home? What activities do you love to do outside of home?

[Goodbye]

Still failing in the NC department but going to try again.

[Summer Breeze]

Still failing in the NC department but going to try again.

 

You never fail til you quit trying. When you don't have faith in yourself let us hold you up.

[Goodbye]

Thanks Summer Breeze. I emailed him at 2 in the morning a couple days ago "I miss you." He responded with how bad things have gotten on his end. I made the mistake of telling him I worry and care...which led to a couple more emails. But, I will refrain going forward. I've got to.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks Summer Breeze. I emailed him at 2 in the morning a couple days ago "I miss you." He responded with how bad things have gotten on his end. I made the mistake of telling him I worry and care...which led to a couple more emails. But, I will refrain going forward. I've got to.

 

You can do it. It's not easy but you know it needs to be done. Draw strength from every second, minute, day that you're able to go without contacting him.

[Praying4Peace]

Goodbye-

Why are things bad on his end? Did he institute NC bc of a D-day? Or 'bad' as in NC is difficult for him too? Just wondering.

 

If it makes you feel better we failed at NC about 10 times. Like not more than a week and back to the old routine. It was only when we both knew that we had to do it that it stuck. Otherwise one of us was always more than ready to break it and go back.

 

Take care : )

[forgetmenot75]

goodbye,

I feel your pain. I'm in some similar situation as you, but reversed (I'm married, he's single)

If I could give you some advice, this will be to stay NC for at least 30 days. I know it's extremely hard, I myself could't make it for more than 2 weeks, but it's on your best interest.

He needs to clarify his mind, and you need to get less emotional. You'll see things differently in a couple of weeks. I wish I could give you some pain killer, cause I know how hard this is, but stay strong! And write here, it helps.

A big hug, and you can read my story if you'd like to: Dealing with a difficult situation, a difficult man.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye-

Why are things bad on his end? Did he institute NC bc of a D-day? Or 'bad' as in NC is difficult for him too? Just wondering.

 

If it makes you feel better we failed at NC about 10 times. Like not more than a week and back to the old routine. It was only when we both knew that we had to do it that it stuck. Otherwise one of us was always more than ready to break it and go back.

 

Take care : )

 

Praying...He just said things were really bad after he (allegedly) told his wife. Said there was a lot of anger and the amount of hostility was upsetting for their son.