Friends or more?

[Daniel1985]

Hey, firstly this is my first post, I feel as though I'm annoying my friends by constantly talking about my problems, so I'm after some fresh eyes to look at my situation.

 

Ok basically I am 27, a gay man living in London.

 

It all started back in September when I met a a guy who I ultimately became really close friends with, at the time I met him he was in a relationship of 3 years but he would confide in me telling me he wasn't happy, saying his boyfriend wasn't affectionate and they felt like they were just friends, we started to spend a lot of time together and he broke up with his boyfriend around Christmas, he spent Halloween, Christmas, new year, valentines day and a lot more time with me, we became very affectionate with each other and we both said we had feelings, however from day 1 he never said he was after a relationship! Apart from having feelings for him I genuinely feel as though he is my best friend, having only lived in london for a year I don't have many other close friends down here. We have discussed a few times (mainly drunken or over text) about where we stand with each other, and I have told him I want more than a friendship, but he doesn't! I am not angry at him but I do feel a bit led on, he was told me numerous times nothing will happen with us as he doesn't want a relationship yet, yet he is quite happy to stay over and do things!

 

Recently, due to him starting a new job, we have started talking a lot less, I feel this is needed as I have got to the point now where I only want to be friends to stop this pain I am going through, we both have other guy friends and I do get jealous when we is going for coffee and talking to other guys.

 

I have a few questions I would like your opinions on.

 

Is it possible to just be friends? How do I do this? I can go a few days without speaking to him but I feel bad because I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him? Especially when he is training for his new job I feel like a bad friend for not texting him and asking how it is going? Wishing him luck for exams and stuff!

 

Another problem is I have also got a new job and it means I am going to have to move closer to him, we currently live 1h train ride away from each other, so we have/had to make a special effort to see each other, but now I have to move to the place where he lives! I am excited because I do want to see him more easily, and I guess I am secretly hoping once he is ready for a relationship we could have one, I just don't know what to do in the mean time? If we carry on the way we are now, not speaking much, things might change for the worse? Or for the better? I don't know whether its going to be easier in the long run to just get out of this friendship all together? (I really don't want to do that) but the thought of moving closer to him when I still have these feelings petrifies me!

 

Any advice or experience you could offer would be very appreciated!

[lynn1954]

Hi, Daniel:

 

Daniel is my son's name, too.

 

All of us deserve to be with someone who we love and adore, and that person also loves and adores us.

 

Your current close friend is not that person. I admire both of you for discussing it, and he told you loud and clear.

 

You still have time to find someone like that for yourself. Spend some time meeting new people so you can find your one and only.

 

Just like your friend was honest to say he doesn't want more than friendship, so you can be honest with him that you need to stay away from him just for a little while until you stop wanting more from him.

 

After you get over him and/or find a love for yourself, then you can be close friends again.

[Cutiepie1976]

Welcome to LS:)

 

Is it possible to just be friends? How do I do this?

NO!!! You want more, which makes it impossible. You'll end up feeling used even though he's been completely upfront that he just wants you as an FWB. Your self-esteem will suffer. You won't be able to seriously consider another man while you're pining for him. The healthy thing to do is to thank him for his honesty, cut ties, and get on with your life. Maybe a year from now when you have a boyfriend, and you would be happy for him when he found a boyfriend or a new lover, then you can reconnect and be friends. But honestly, why would you do that to your future boyfriend?

 

I can go a few days without speaking to him but I feel bad because I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him? Especially when he is training for his new job I feel like a bad friend for not texting him and asking how it is going? Wishing him luck for exams and stuff!

That's because you're in relationship mode and emotionally invested. He doesn't feel the same way. Perhaps there's the occasional inconvenience of not getting his jollies when he's horny, but none of the guilt that you feel because you see this as more than it really is.

 

That's why it's imperative to move on. It's hurtful to realize that someone for whom you have deep feelings doesn't care or miss you the way you do them.

 

He was doing just fine before you came on the scene a year ago. He's a big boy. He'll do just fine when you move on. It's you that will need time to heal.

 

I am excited because I do want to see him more easily, and I guess I am secretly hoping once he is ready for a relationship we could have one, I just don't know wha..t to do in the mean time?

Cut all ties. He's been crystal clear. No relationship. Your heart isn't listening and will get you in a world of hurt if you let it.

 

The other reason to do so: who we choose for a relationship is often very different than who we pick for a casual arrangement. The criteria can be very different. Don't wait around hoping, only to have him pick someone else when you've been there all along.

[Daniel1985]

Ok, thank you guys, I kinda already knew this myself, but I was just afraid to admit it to myself, I don't think it is going to be easy, but hey? Is love ever easy? Haha, I appreciate your honesty and I'm sure one day I will be fine, hopefully not too far ahead in the future :-) thank you again! X