Dear xMM,

[who_am_i]

I can’t believe that it has been 2 months since we last spoke. I never thought that I’d be able to make it this long without talking to you…or did I ever think I’d have to. The first time we stopped talking you said that your sure would have contacted me sooner or later. I guess it’s safe to assume that is not the case this time. I know that I betrayed your trust in the worst possible way. It was out of complete selfishness and I can’t tell you how sorry I am, I think about it every day. I know you’re probably not interested in how I feel since I’m the reason that your world has been turned upside down. I just wanted to be able to tell you how sorry I am for what I’ve done.

 

 

 

Now that I have had some time to think about it, I can admit that I did it because I thought she’d send you away. I acted out of fear and desperation, and you were right…it hurt me too. That day we had that long talk on the way to work, and following I sent you an email that said, “I will always love you”. Your response was, “I know and I will think about you…always.” That hurt me so much. I just wanted to hear that you loved me. You always said things like, “I just can’t let myself fall in love with you” or “I care about you deeply”. That morning you told me that you’ve never cared for anyone before like you cared for your wife until me. It was all just too much to process and emotion took over. I’d been fighting to keep you in my life for so long. When I was with you nothing else seemed to matter. You made me feel like no one else ever has…so special and so beautiful…and I just didn’t want to lose that.

 

 

 

Today while I was driving I thought about how I read somewhere that someone asked a married mans ex-affair partner is she thought she was really in love with the man or with the idea of the man. Every time I think about this I am more and more unsure of what my answer really should be. I was in love with the man that I met and spent time with for two years, there is no question about that. But was I in love with you? I can’t be sure. When we were together I thought I knew you. We shared so many things. However, I know that there are things that I never told you…on purpose, because I wasn’t sure if it would change how you thought about me. I wonder if you ever did the same. I guess the point is that we were never a “real” part of each other’s lives even if at the time it felt like we were. I try to remind myself of that while I’m struggling to keep my distance.

 

 

 

I also think about how it felt to be ignored by you. How there were times when I would have given anything to talk to you, when I needed you, but I was not your priority. There were so many nights when I would cry myself to sleep because I missed you so much and was so hurt that you wouldn’t make time for me. It was so painful sometimes that I would try and tell myself that it wasn’t worth it, but the next time we would talk you would make me forget whatever it was that I was so angry about. It became a cycle and I think you knew it too. It got to the point where whenever I would tell you how much it was hurting me, you would try and break it off…so I just stopped telling you. As much as it hurt I still didn’t want you to go and I can’t tell you why. I think I thought that one day you would figure out how great I was and it would change…but that didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because you didn’t care about me like I hoped you did. Your loyalty (for lack of a better word) was with your family and things were never going to change. It was kind of like “take it or leave it”…and I just kept taking it. I wish I would have been strong enough then to tell you to shove it…that I wasn’t interested in being filling your shi**y part time piece of a** position!

 

 

 

Sometimes I think no one is ever going to love me the way that I really want to be loved. I always seem to settle for whatever someone is offering rather than demanding better. As I sit here I can’t remember a time when anyone chose me first. It seems that I have always worked hard to stay in relationships that weren’t good for me. No one has ever fought to be with me…ever. Just once I’d like to meet someone who wanted me, fought for me, and loved me the way I want to be loved…how I deserve to be. For some reason I thought you were that man.

 

 

When we first met we seemed so similar. You needed me just as much as I needed you, but somewhere, somehow over time that changed. I continued to give while you continued to take. I fell in love with you while you played games with my heart. The day I told your wife about us was the worst day of my life. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her and those innocent children.

 

 

 

There haven’t been many days in the last two months where I haven’t cried. I cry because I miss what I thought I had with you, because I’m ashamed of the way I let you treat me, and because I’m sad that I will never see you again. But, what hurts the most is I really loved you and after the way it ended I’m afraid that you wish you would have never met me…and there’s nothing I can do about it.

[Sarabi]

I am so so sorry for how you are feeling

GB Hugs from me(((((())))))

(GB is for Great British lol )

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I could have easily written this letter when I was in your position - so soon out.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. Hang in there - you will survive and you will be stronger for it.

[lynn1954]

Who_am_i:

 

Stay strong! This man is not good for you, so NC is exactly the right thing for you to do.

 

Spend some time with friends and family who love you, who make you feel cherished.

 

After you recover from all this pain, spend some time without any man.

 

Learn from your mistakes with the xMM so you'll be ready to be with a man who will have a healthy, happy relationship with you.

 

You feel hopeless about future love, but try to keep hope alive.

[awkward]

This is a great letter. Keep writing. Keep posting. Don't send them to him. What are you doing to take care of you today?

[HonestNeurotic]

Great letter.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. Hugs.

[Sarabi]

I know everyone says don't deem your self worth on what others think, and you have to love yourself first..etc etc etc. But deep down, all we really crave is love from others. The close human bond we have the capacity to show. We want someone we can wholly love and cherish, and time and time again it seems that our love, is worth nothing to others. We...are worth nothing to others. We are to be ashamed of, kept hidden, never good enough to anyone, for anyone. That absolute feeling of emptiness is too much to bare.

Oh my gosh...thank you SO MUCH for saying this.

I thought it was just me who thought things like this..!!!

Love ourselves first, yeah, yeah, yeah, it may well be true but hey...We need love from others too...

[who_am_i]

Thank you all for being so kind.

I was almost afraid to post it, but I had to get it out and justify my feelings out loud.

[wanting more]

This is a great letter. Puts all your feelings out there. I know it hurts. But you will get stronger

 

Never be afraid to post them here. It's a comfort to others to know they're not alone in these situations.

 

It's a hard hard thing to deal with, but you will. And one day I know you will find someone who will make you #1. Who will fight to make you happy. Who will love you with his whe heart

 

Time does heal.

[krazikat]

I can’t believe that it has been 2 months since we last spoke. I never thought that I’d be able to make it this long without talking to you…or did I ever think I’d have to. The first time we stopped talking you said that your sure would have contacted me sooner or later. I guess it’s safe to assume that is not the case this time. I know that I betrayed your trust in the worst possible way. It was out of complete selfishness and I can’t tell you how sorry I am, I think about it every day. I know you’re probably not interested in how I feel since I’m the reason that your world has been turned upside down. I just wanted to be able to tell you how sorry I am for what I’ve done.

 

 

 

Now that I have had some time to think about it, I can admit that I did it because I thought she’d send you away. I acted out of fear and desperation, and you were right…it hurt me too. That day we had that long talk on the way to work, and following I sent you an email that said, “I will always love you”. Your response was, “I know and I will think about you…always.” That hurt me so much. I just wanted to hear that you loved me. You always said things like, “I just can’t let myself fall in love with you” or “I care about you deeply”. That morning you told me that you’ve never cared for anyone before like you cared for your wife until me. It was all just too much to process and emotion took over. I’d been fighting to keep you in my life for so long. When I was with you nothing else seemed to matter. You made me feel like no one else ever has…so special and so beautiful…and I just didn’t want to lose that.

 

 

 

Today while I was driving I thought about how I read somewhere that someone asked a married mans ex-affair partner is she thought she was really in love with the man or with the idea of the man. Every time I think about this I am more and more unsure of what my answer really should be. I was in love with the man that I met and spent time with for two years, there is no question about that. But was I in love with you? I can’t be sure. When we were together I thought I knew you. We shared so many things. However, I know that there are things that I never told you…on purpose, because I wasn’t sure if it would change how you thought about me. I wonder if you ever did the same. I guess the point is that we were never a “real” part of each other’s lives even if at the time it felt like we were. I try to remind myself of that while I’m struggling to keep my distance.

 

 

 

I also think about how it felt to be ignored by you. How there were times when I would have given anything to talk to you, when I needed you, but I was not your priority. There were so many nights when I would cry myself to sleep because I missed you so much and was so hurt that you wouldn’t make time for me. It was so painful sometimes that I would try and tell myself that it wasn’t worth it, but the next time we would talk you would make me forget whatever it was that I was so angry about. It became a cycle and I think you knew it too. It got to the point where whenever I would tell you how much it was hurting me, you would try and break it off…so I just stopped telling you. As much as it hurt I still didn’t want you to go and I can’t tell you why. I think I thought that one day you would figure out how great I was and it would change…but that didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because you didn’t care about me like I hoped you did. Your loyalty (for lack of a better word) was with your family and things were never going to change. It was kind of like “take it or leave it”…and I just kept taking it. I wish I would have been strong enough then to tell you to shove it…that I wasn’t interested in being filling your shi**y part time piece of a** position!

 

 

 

Sometimes I think no one is ever going to love me the way that I really want to be loved. I always seem to settle for whatever someone is offering rather than demanding better. As I sit here I can’t remember a time when anyone chose me first. It seems that I have always worked hard to stay in relationships that weren’t good for me. No one has ever fought to be with me…ever. Just once I’d like to meet someone who wanted me, fought for me, and loved me the way I want to be loved…how I deserve to be. For some reason I thought you were that man.

 

 

When we first met we seemed so similar. You needed me just as much as I needed you, but somewhere, somehow over time that changed. I continued to give while you continued to take. I fell in love with you while you played games with my heart. The day I told your wife about us was the worst day of my life. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her and those innocent children.

 

 

 

There haven’t been many days in the last two months where I haven’t cried. I cry because I miss what I thought I had with you, because I’m ashamed of the way I let you treat me, and because I’m sad that I will never see you again. But, what hurts the most is I really loved you and after the way it ended I’m afraid that you wish you would have never met me…and there’s nothing I can do about it.

 

Who, wow what you write has me wanting to give you a hug...and I am BS. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain...and YOU DO DESERVE BETTER!!! You deserve a man that is yours, one who will love you completely and be WITH YOU every night, be there when you need him. You deserve more than 2nd place.

 

While reading your letter, I thought of my who ow. How she cried to me...to me, the BS, the wife of the man she fell in love with, as she apologized for things she said to me weeks earlier. I am mad at this man who treated you this way, who lied and played with hearts, ow and BS, all for his own selfish purpose. I freaking hate cheaters, I hate that they will do this ish and for so long. It is so cold.

 

Hang in there, keep writing the letters, keep NC, take care of yourself. You do deserve and will find a man who is worthy of your love and will be there for you.

[WakingUp]

krazikat you are a beautiful and compassionate woman.

 

Thank you so much for what you have to contribute.

 

I really really mean that. So glad to read your posts.

 

All good things to you x

[WakingUp]

And who am I... sending hugs sweetheart.

 

Hang in there. It will get better xxx

 

I wish I could take the hurt away, but you will be better and stronger when you come through this.

[krazikat]

krazikat you are a beautiful and compassionate woman.

 

Thank you so much for what you have to contribute.

 

I really really mean that. So glad to read your posts.

 

All good things to you x

 

Awww, thank you WakingUp...