Married with a lot on my mind

[tgilbert25]

Hello there everybody. I'm a bit of a newbie when it comes to posting on forums, but i am in desperate need of some advice, reassurance, and some overall guidance and have nowhere else to turn, so i am hoping for some helpful feedback...

 

About a year ago, i married my girlfriend of 7 years, and also my high school sweetheart. We are both in our mid 20's, full time jobs, a new puppy, a seemingly picture perfect new little family. But recently i have been having these thoughts and feelings for somebody else. I can't really explain it. It is absolutely no fault of my wife, she hasn't done anything differently.

 

Let me just say, I never thought i would have such intense feelings towards somebody else. I thought what i felt for my wife was intense. Then i met the most beautiful woman i have ever laid eyes on about 3 years ago. I'm not just talking about physical beauty, honestly, i would say my wife takes the prize in physical beauty, i'm talking about the entire package. The most beautiful curly brownish/red hair, big brown eyes, a smile so perfect it is making me smile right now just thinking about it. She has the biggest heart i have ever seen, you will never meet anybody as sweet as she is.

 

I can honestly tell you that i have never felt like this before. When i see her, this warm feeling comes over me, and i get a little nervous and don't know what to say (if you knew me you would know that i am never at a loss for words). Theses feelings for her didn't start right away, it wasn't until recently really, maybe about 4-5 months ago or so.

 

Here is the kicker, I know she feels the same way about me. As ashamed as i am to admit it, her and I have kissed, this my wife does not know. We have talked about our feelings with one another, and if the circumstances were different, there could be so much more between us. We both know what we did was wrong, but i have not regretted it for one second, which i realize is a terrible thing to say considering the commitment i made to my wife.

 

This girl is literally the first thing i think about when i get up, the last thing i think about when i go to bed, and any time in between, she is on my mind. I have tried to get her out of my head, but no matter what i do, she is always on my mind. I am so confused as i have never experienced anything like that before, not even when i was dating my wife. I think about just being close to her, holding her close, holding her hand, kissing her, and of course there are some more sexual thoughts in there as well.

 

There is so much going on in my head i can't sleep, I've gotten headaches, i'd be lying to you if i said i did't get emotional about it once. What do i do? Where do i turn? do i tell my wife how i feel? do i just keep my mouth shut and act as though everything is fine?

 

My wife is not stupid, she knows there is something going on with me. I know i haven't been acting like myself lately. I feel like perhaps the passion is gone between us. Which is ridiculous, but that's how i feel. I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm just spinning my wheels over here and getting nowhere.

[AbeNormal]

I don't see anything about kids in your post and I see you are in your mid 20s. Based upon that, I'll offer one possible solution:

 

Divorce your wife - let her go - she deserves better.

 

Then chase after ms. curlylocks - the woman of your thoughts/dreams - that has no problem cheating with a married man.

[nonameforme]

My friend. . . . what you're going through is called lust.

Just because someone is married does not mean that we never find other people who make our motors run. But because we are married, it means that we should not act out on it. You have already crossed a line by kissing her. You have already crossed a line by lying awake at night wishing for more. You have unfortunately already betrayed the trust of your spouse.

First of all, I think you probably got married way too young. You say you and your wife were high school sweethearts. Perhaps you feel like you settled down before you really got to experience the world and had a chance to explore relationships in your adult life, and the realization of this came after you married.

My advice to you? Stop all contact with this other woman. Confess to your wife. Let her know that you are in the midst of a struggle and that you made some very bad choices. Then think about what you really want in life. It may or may not include your wife, although it's really easy to take someone for granted when you are married and come home to them every night. Consider separating with your wife to see what life is really like without her love and support (and don't see this other woman until you've made a choice about your marriage). Your wife deserves the truth. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. She may decide to dump your butt, and no offense, I would completely understand why. You have put your marriage in a compromised position which is very difficult to recover from, so be aware that even though you may decide that you want it to work out with your wife, she may not be feeling so dandy about the whole thing that went down behind her back.

This other woman whom you speak so highly of? Yes, she may be all the things you say she is, but she's also a woman who is willing to get involved with a married man, and that's not "sweet" or "big hearted". That probably speaks a bit to her character, so think about that too.

Edited April 14, 2013 by nonameforme

[tgilbert25]

I appreciate your feedback. Perhaps you are right. The fact that i/we were so young did cross my mind. I'm not saying that makes what i did right. I know i crossed a line.

 

Before the other woman gets labeled a home wrecker, i just want it to be clear that she is not the one at fault. i took it there, not her. she is the one that put a stop to it. I wish i could stop contact with her, but we work together, which makes it more difficult.

 

perhaps a little more history for you while we are at it, something that is always in the back of my mind, my wife did something similar to me prior to us getting married. I don't know if that event has anything to do with what i did, but its a thought. And you're right, i wouldn't blame her either if she "dumps my butt". I'm an idiot. that's one of the other thoughts that keeps me up. but i didn't know who i should talk to. so just getting some advice is helpful. For that, Thank you

[AbeNormal]

tgilbert25,

 

If you feel comfortable doing so, perhaps it would be useful to have a bit more information about what your wife did (in regards to cheating on you - if she did) before you were married. Only a clear, honest statement of that would be useful - don't hedge - don't go into blameshift mode, etc.

[Minnie09]

Well, since your W did "something similar" to you, why don't you talk to her about it then? She should understand the problem better than anyone. Plus, being married to you means she has the right to know what she's dealing with. Give her that....be honest.....no line has been crossed yet as far as a physical relationship is concerned, so find a way to deal with it together....as a team....it's your life after all and you share it and you're both in it. With her knowing how you really feel the whole affair thing will be brought to an end soon....or your M will. And one of the two will have to go at some point. Better now than later when more damage will have been done.

 

Also, I'll never be able to wrap my head around why people have to get married so young. You're not even 30 yet, and you married your high school sweetheart? Why? What's the urgency? Don't you know a marriage is a commitment that is serious, not just something you do because everyone else does? She wasn't ready, otherwise she wouldn't have explored other pastures while in an R with you, and you weren't ready, because otherwise you wouldn't act on being attracted to somebody else. *

 

And yes, the passion does leave an M sometimes. It either fades completely or it comes and goes in waves. Normal thing. Not a reason to stray. It's part of a mature relationship to deal with that.*

 

Now put your big boy pants on, tell your W how you feel and have an honest talk. Then solve the problem. That's what you are married for.

[nonameforme]

I appreciate your feedback. Perhaps you are right. The fact that i/we were so young did cross my mind. I'm not saying that makes what i did right. I know i crossed a line.

 

Before the other woman gets labeled a home wrecker, i just want it to be clear that she is not the one at fault. i took it there, not her. she is the one that put a stop to it. I wish i could stop contact with her, but we work together, which makes it more difficult.

 

perhaps a little more history for you while we are at it, something that is always in the back of my mind, my wife did something similar to me prior to us getting married. I don't know if that event has anything to do with what i did, but its a thought. And you're right, i wouldn't blame her either if she "dumps my butt". I'm an idiot. that's one of the other thoughts that keeps me up. but i didn't know who i should talk to. so just getting some advice is helpful. For that, Thank you

 

That's the thing about this forum--sometimes you post with a question and people sort of jump down your throat and beat up on you a bit, so sorry if I was harsh. I am actually not "against" you, as I also started my relationship at a young age and both my husband and I went through some rough times because we were way too immature for the commitment (though at the time, we both thought we were "mature"). Both of us as individuals did things that put a strain on the relationship, but we somehow managed to pick up the pieces and are still together two decades later. So I can relate to what you're going through.

Being friends with coworkers of the opposite sex can be a dangerous thing (been there). It can start innocently, and then the next thing you know, you feel "differently" about the coworker than you had ever intended on.

You can defend your coworker all you want, but you kissed her, and she kissed you back, right? That was a mistake you both made. I'll give her credit if she said it had to stop, and then backed her words up by not going there again.

Now for your wife. You said she made a similar mistake before you married and it's still in the back of your mind. Think about how it made you feel for her to betray your trust. Maybe you aren't completely "over" her mistake, and maybe you are subconsciously using her bad choice to justify making one of your own? Unfortunately, as much as sometimes we may think that our wayward spouses "deserve" to get what they gave, a healthy marriage can't work that way. Otherwise, you both will always be out trying to "even the score" and it will never end until you are both destroyed.

What do you want to do? Get counseling with your wife? A trial separation? Divorce? Any of those things are options, but I need to seriously warn you that anyone (your coworker) can look "good" on paper. But when they're in your life 24/7 as your real partner, things aren't as glamorous, no matter how great they seem from afar. You know that saying, "the grass is always greener"? This definitely applies to marriage and relationships.

Personally, as someone completely removed from your troubles, I would advise that you come clean with your wife and go to counseling. Discuss the past, your feelings and what you want for the future and at some point make a determination if it's something you and your wife want to work on. Keep your distance from the coworker until you've made a choice about your marriage.

Best of luck to you.

[reaver]

I think this is something all married people go through and I dont think its just your age. Every relationship dies down passion wise... it is impossible for it to be high all the time. I know several people who are in their mid 20s married with a highschool or college sweetheart who are very happy and they were each others first loves. I know a few midlife married couples who got married later that had something similar to this happen...

I do agree with the person above me though. Esp. with the part of the other woman being "good on paper." If you did divorce your wife and date her, after a period of time has passed youd grow content with her as well.

[Dusk1983]

I think this is something all married people go through and I dont think its just your age. Every relationship dies down passion wise... it is impossible for it to be high all the time. I know several people who are in their mid 20s married with a highschool or college sweetheart who are very happy and they were each others first loves. I know a few midlife married couples who got married later that had something similar to this happen...

I do agree with the person above me though. Esp. with the part of the other woman being "good on paper." If you did divorce your wife and date her, after a period of time has passed youd grow content with her as well.

 

The difference is when it happens and you're still in your 20s your market value is peaking at the same time, so your actual options for 'escape' are much greater.

 

In general, whenever I see or hear of a childhood sweetheart-type thing that carries on into adulthood, I'm afraid I think "this is doomed".

 

Sure there are exceptions, but in general we're all completely different people as adults compared to how we were as kids. Very few relationships grow at the same rate as both parties. One or both people invariably outgrow it.

[veggirl]

Tell your wife. Tell her you are crushing on the other person and you want to be honest about it because you don't want anything to happen.

 

Stop putting yourself in situations where you see this other girl.

Read Marriage Builders.....

[reaver]

The difference is when it happens and you're still in your 20s your market value is peaking at the same time, so your actual options for 'escape' are much greater.

 

In general, whenever I see or hear of a childhood sweetheart-type thing that carries on into adulthood, I'm afraid I think "this is doomed".

 

Sure there are exceptions, but in general we're all completely different people as adults compared to how we were as kids. Very few relationships grow at the same rate as both parties. One or both people invariably outgrow it.

 

I do agree- but people change in their 30's and 40's as well. I dont know, in my personal experience pretty much every person in his situation is happily married. I dont know more than 5 married couples like him, but they are all happy. The ones I know that broke up due to other people were older. Being attracted to other people happens at all ages in a marriage. It just matters how you react to it. If he sticks with his wife this might happen again in a few years.

 

If he separates from his wife Id bet very good money he ends up going back to her. He likes this other woman but his marriage isnt awful and he still does love his wife- guys like that usually end up crawling back to the wife. Im fairly certain he'll regret leaving her. But alas, sometimes people have to actually commit a mistake to realize its a mistake.

Edited April 15, 2013 by reaver

[salparadise]

I think you need to make an assessment of your marriage separate from your lustful feelings for the other woman. Lust happen and it's not likely to be the last time it happens to you. If you truly love and respect your wife and were enthusiastic with regard to your marriage prior to temptation entering the picture, then I believe you need to bring that to the forefront of your brain and fully appreciate what you have.

 

Relationships born of extramarital affairs are notoriously short-lived. They are typically based on the crazy-insane-lustful-titillation factor. That wears off pretty quick once life's practicalities and the need for full compatibility become part of the equation. Also, trust is shaky from the beginning since you both realize on some level that if your partner cheated with you, it's not out of the question that they'd cheat on you - and leave you for the exact same reason they are with you. So whatever fantasies you may have about this other woman being the perfect mate, realize that it's just a fantasy that you've created and not based on anything more.

 

Now here's where I differ from most people's opinions. I don't think you should tell your wife because it's not right to break her heart just because you're feeling guilty over this fantasy. Confessing to lusting after other women just isn't going to do anything positive for your marriage. Telling your wife how much you love and appreciate her will. Even if she suspects that something like this has been going on, it's going to be terribly painful for her to hear it coming from you and it could do unforeseen damage. Deal with it yourself, go to counseling if necessary, but don't lay this burden on her. It's not fault, it's not her burden to bear. It's one of those things that most adults have to deal with from time to time, so do it like a big boy. I don't see the fact that something similar happened to her once long ago as being particularly relevant. It's a human thing and not unique to you or her.

 

I hope you can recommit to your marriage and rediscover the same excitement, plus respect, trust and commitment with your wife. The only reason I would suggest that you consider leaving your marriage is if it's irreparably broken, and even then realize that a relationship with this other woman will almost certainly be transitional.