Need Some Objectivity Please!

[Anastasia]

I am very confused and in a lot of doubt. I'm after some objectivity, please. I am unsure as to the intentions of a man I have recently become sexually intimate with.

 

To sum up, he informed me after getting close via a massage one night that as much as he would like to, he cannot act on the attraction/connection between us. A past love whom he had been separated from - only because of distance (rather than a break up) - had just recently contacted him saying she was coming to see him. He told me is waiting for her, he had very deep feelings for her when they were together but because of the time elapsed he was now unsure how he felt. He didn't know if they would pick up where they left off or if they would call it a day. Either way he had to know, he needed closure with this part of his life before he could start a new relationship. He did not want to risk getting involved with me, no matter what he felt, then find he had feelings for this girl upon her arrival. He did not want to cause us both pain and in turn isolate himself because of the guilt.

 

Even though he clearly said he was waiting for her he also said that he was unsure how he felt about her. At this point I should say that I was rather disappointed, it's not everyday that I meet someone and feel the attraction and connection I felt with this man. I suggested that we 'go with the flow', to live in the moment and see what happens. That was a mistake on my part right there, frienship was the option I should have chosen, to do anything else meant compromising myself, I lied to myself and to him in believing that I could handle a 'for now' relationship. I guess in the back of my mind I thought 'he'll fall in love with me and forget about her'. The emotional attraction/connection we felt was unexpected by both, we agreed to see what happens. We became sexually intimate.

 

I was lead to believe that he was entertaining the idea of a relationship between us, that he was trying to put his issues with the other girl aside, to continue with us as if the only decision to be made was whether or not we were compatible, these were his words. My instinct started telling me that all was not as it should be, for the stage we were at, he was holding back. I became angry that he could only show affection in the bedroom, I accused him of lying about his feelings for me. His words were simply not matching his actions. I began accusing him of not really feeling anything as deep as he said, of not having ever entertained the idea of a relationship between us. I felt that whatever happened between us his agenda as far as waiting was set in concrete, he knew exactly how he felt about this girl. After many accusations he finally admitted that he had been 'sugar coating' the truth, he had judged what I should hear as far as his feelings went for the other girl out of a need to protect me from hearing things he felt I would be hurt by.

 

My doubt and confusion stems from my compassion and fears. One part of me believes that this connection/attraction was real, that he did feel for me, because of that he also wanted to just 'go with the flow' as I did, the attraction was very strong. This part of me clearly sees how we mirrored the lies we told to ourselves then in turn told each other, we didn't want to give up getting intimate. I can see that he was confused and torn as he said he was. On the other hand, because I simply do not know him well enough, and have experienced the lies that men tell for the sake of getting sex, I have serious doubts that he lead me on because he cared, as he has said. I see that this may well have all been a line. This part of me sees that he only said he was unsure of his feelings for this other girl intentionally so I would think there's a chance, he said all he said fully knowing that the intimacy would end otherwise. This part of feels that perhaps this was a cold hearted plan to manipulate me for his own sexual desires, he had no intention of starting anything with me as he said from the start.

 

After many accusations of being a liar, he now sees that he had been leading me on, giving me hope, he has apologised profusely for it, he is very sorry. He feels he's been in denial and that his 'sugar coating' was unconcious. To me it feels strange that he has only now been able to see himself in all this, not only that but he has wanted to end our relationship because he could not stand the idea of continuously being called a liar, even though that's what he had been doing, no matter what his reasons were. I can see that if you are in denial about something it's hard to hear and admit the truth. I find myself thinking that the amount of times I pointed out the things that didn't add up would have been enough for any person to realise much sooner what they had been doing.

 

I simply do not know what to believe! My head and heart are in conflict. My fear is that this is just another guy telling me what I needed to hear for his own gratifications. Then again if his only intention was sexual he wouldn't have bothered saying anything about this other girl, he would have let me think we were having a relationship then dumped me when she arrived. Help!

[Deejette]

Sexual intimacy can happen as quickly as a wildfire and reasonable thought comes later. I think you let yourself get caught in the landslide of sexual fervor and wishing this man were yours, so you got swept away.

 

He was sending you his ambiguous messages from the beginning. He wasn's sure about how he felt about the other girl. That is not a very promising statement, for you or the other girl. Meanwhile, your emotions are on a rollercoaster depending on what his decision turns out to be.

 

Step back and let him make up his mind. Meanwhile, keep yourself busy with stuff you really like to do so you won't obsess over what is going on in his brain. You have no control over this. The only control you had was to not have sex with him, and as most women bond with a guy after sex, you were caught up in the emotions of it (which, as a guy, he just might not feel). That was a hurtful step you took for yourself, but it is not the end of your life.

 

Wait but do no pin too high hopes on this guy.

I am very confused and in a lot of doubt. I'm after some objectivity, please. I am unsure as to the intentions of a man I have recently become sexually intimate with. To sum up, he informed me after getting close via a massage one night that as much as he would like to, he cannot act on the attraction/connection between us. A past love whom he had been separated from - only because of distance (rather than a break up) - had just recently contacted him saying she was coming to see him. He told me is waiting for her, he had very deep feelings for her when they were together but because of the time elapsed he was now unsure how he felt. He didn't know if they would pick up where they left off or if they would call it a day. Either way he had to know, he needed closure with this part of his life before he could start a new relationship. He did not want to risk getting involved with me, no matter what he felt, then find he had feelings for this girl upon her arrival. He did not want to cause us both pain and in turn isolate himself because of the guilt. Even though he clearly said he was waiting for her he also said that he was unsure how he felt about her. At this point I should say that I was rather disappointed, it's not everyday that I meet someone and feel the attraction and connection I felt with this man. I suggested that we 'go with the flow', to live in the moment and see what happens. That was a mistake on my part right there, frienship was the option I should have chosen, to do anything else meant compromising myself, I lied to myself and to him in believing that I could handle a 'for now' relationship. I guess in the back of my mind I thought 'he'll fall in love with me and forget about her'. The emotional attraction/connection we felt was unexpected by both, we agreed to see what happens. We became sexually intimate. I was lead to believe that he was entertaining the idea of a relationship between us, that he was trying to put his issues with the other girl aside, to continue with us as if the only decision to be made was whether or not we were compatible, these were his words. My instinct started telling me that all was not as it should be, for the stage we were at, he was holding back. I became angry that he could only show affection in the bedroom, I accused him of lying about his feelings for me. His words were simply not matching his actions. I began accusing him of not really feeling anything as deep as he said, of not having ever entertained the idea of a relationship between us. I felt that whatever happened between us his agenda as far as waiting was set in concrete, he knew exactly how he felt about this girl. After many accusations he finally admitted that he had been 'sugar coating' the truth, he had judged what I should hear as far as his feelings went for the other girl out of a need to protect me from hearing things he felt I would be hurt by. My doubt and confusion stems from my compassion and fears. One part of me believes that this connection/attraction was real, that he did feel for me, because of that he also wanted to just 'go with the flow' as I did, the attraction was very strong. This part of me clearly sees how we mirrored the lies we told to ourselves then in turn told each other, we didn't want to give up getting intimate. I can see that he was confused and torn as he said he was. On the other hand, because I simply do not know him well enough, and have experienced the lies that men tell for the sake of getting sex, I have serious doubts that he lead me on because he cared, as he has said. I see that this may well have all been a line. This part of me sees that he only said he was unsure of his feelings for this other girl intentionally so I would think there's a chance, he said all he said fully knowing that the intimacy would end otherwise. This part of feels that perhaps this was a cold hearted plan to manipulate me for his own sexual desires, he had no intention of starting anything with me as he said from the start. After many accusations of being a liar, he now sees that he had been leading me on, giving me hope, he has apologised profusely for it, he is very sorry. He feels he's been in denial and that his 'sugar coating' was unconcious. To me it feels strange that he has only now been able to see himself in all this, not only that but he has wanted to end our relationship because he could not stand the idea of continuously being called a liar, even though that's what he had been doing, no matter what his reasons were. I can see that if you are in denial about something it's hard to hear and admit the truth. I find myself thinking that the amount of times I pointed out the things that didn't add up would have been enough for any person to realise much sooner what they had been doing. I simply do not know what to believe! My head and heart are in conflict. My fear is that this is just another guy telling me what I needed to hear for his own gratifications. Then again if his only intention was sexual he wouldn't have bothered saying anything about this other girl, he would have let me think we were having a relationship then dumped me when she arrived. Help!

[Ed]

Some really strange things can happen when two people are caught up in the feelings of attraction for one another. It is very easy to make some choices that you would not otherwise make under normal circumstances. Your writing tells me that you have a very down to Earth way of thinking and a clear understanding of your feelings. Obviously, you can see things clearer now than you did when you were caught up in the intense emotions.

 

It's easy for me to give advice to other people. I don't always follow my own advice or see things as clearly as I should at times. Don't beat yourself up over the choices you have made. Just do your best to learn from what happened and incorporate it into your methods of decision making in the future. You suggested that you may not have given yourself enough time to get to know him better before becoming this involved. Try to recognize those intense feelings that were present when you made that choice. Realize that you are vulnerable during their presence and hold off on making BIG decisions while caught up in them.

 

I'm not sure how much to bash the guy for what he did and allowed to happen or took advantage of in the situation you described. One thing is for sure - he told you about the other girl before getting sexually intimate with you in order to relieve himself of future guilt. In his mind he justified his actions by supposedly "warning you" first. He knew he was tied up inside with someone else. For that he gets forty lashes. He probably is truly sorry for what he did and what happened, but he is out of control and dangerous to himself and to others. There is no way of knowing what his real intentions were then or are now. He has a long way to go before being in any condition to carry on a meaningful relationship with you or anybody else.

[Anastasia]

Your responses were greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

 

I made a bad choice because of my own insecurities, my lack of self love. I compromised myself.

 

Your insight Ed into him telling me about the other girl first to relieve himself of future guilt was spot on. He justified his actions by warning me first, lulling me into a false sense of security. The fact is he knew his feelings for this other girl from the start.

 

Cheers :-)

[sparkle]

Hello Anastasia,

 

Interesting situation. I wouldn't quite know what to do myself. Well he lied to you. He basically said things or twisted words around to make you think that he wanted a relationship with you, when he mainly wanted sex.

 

He was able to be sexually intimate with you, and then switch off any feelings and look at it as just a physical act. In your case, your emotions became involved with it as well.

 

I'm sure he cared about you. He said so himself. But the fact is that he didn't want any long-term relationship with you. He did have someone on the side, here he had some girl he liked that he wasn't over. I dont' know if this is true or not, sometiimes people say they aren't over someone or they like someone, because it's the easiest way out of a sticky situation. It's easier to end things that way, so they think.

 

He led you on and you have a right to be angry with him.

 

It's up to you to decide whether to forgive him or not, and to decide what to do now.

 

I would be careful that I don't lead myself on thinking that his feelings may change, and he might start liking me one day. I'd keep my distance, give him space. He's not my boyfriend, so I'd stop thinking or treating him like one.

 

Maybe his feelings for you will change. But don't wait around. Sometimes it's better to start with a clean slate and a new guy.

[Julie]

listen sweetie, it sound like this guy is a dog. first he wants to be faithful to his girlfriend but you tell him to "go with the flow" and he just changes his mind?

 

Once a cheater always a cheater. do you really want to be with a guy who is so unfaithful. he said that he loved his old girlfriend, well he obviously lied because true love doesn't die just because there is distance between people. i think the only thing this guy truly loves is sex and he thinks he loves the woman who gives it to him.

 

do you see the pattern her: he loves his gf b/c they have sex, she moves away, the sex stops, he starts seeing you.... this guy may have good intention, but he needs to learn to love the woman not the sex she gives him.

 

hope i helped.

 

Good Luck.