Just ended contact with MM...

[Quilly]

In follow up to my previous thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47113/ ...

 

I finally followed everyone's advice and told MM that I couldn't continue talking with him every day as though nothing had changed. It was a long and difficult conversation. He said that he loves me with all his heart but that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he left his wife. It doesn't make sense. We finally ran out of time (because he had to get going home, of course) and it was just kinda left that we weren't going to talk everyday. He had said towards the end of the conversation that I could contact him anytime I needed to... so I know that he won't call me and that hurts so much because I know that I can't call him since I was the one that said I wanted this.

 

I want so badly for him to miss me and realize that he can't be without me because I already know I feel that way. But he's too strong of a person... he'll get through this even though I don't want him to. I can't believe this has happened... I can't believe I didn't realize that it would. All I want right now is to hear is voice again. I don't want tomorrow to come... I don't want to sit here waiting for the phone to ring knowing that it won't... I don't want to let him go. I know that the relationship with MM caused me plenty of tears and anguish over wanting him all the time, but it also brought me so many amazing moments that I can't stop thinking about them and then it just hurts all the more.

 

It really makes me wonder what the point is in ever trying to be with someone when it so rarely works out. Which makes me think maybe I shouldn't get divorced afterall... maybe it's safer staying unhappily married. Why risk another broken heart?

 

I know I'm being irrational right now and hopefully everything will make more sense tomorrow and even more the next day, and the next day... IF I can stick with this. But for right now, I just needed a shoulder to cry on. Thanks.

[LoneStar49]

Say, Quilly...I logged in so that I could write something to you, but now I don't even know what to say other than I'm so very, very sorry for the pain you are going through. That, my friend, I can understand.

 

Why do we kid ourselves that they love us so much...almost all the stories are the same - sexless marriage, no communication, nothing in common, we love them so much, but in the end, they just can't leave their wives...or their kids. Doesn't it begin to sound like some kind of horrid joke after a while?

 

I better shut up - I could probably write 5,000 pages - but just let me say I'm sorry for what you are having to go through right now. Me, too.

[cateinaus]

You can't lose what you don't have my dear. You shared some amazing moments, treasure them for what they are/were. You also had plenty of tears, remember them too to try and keep things in perspective. You are also strong and you will get through this too. As for staying with your husband- I don't remember what you had said about your marriage. If it could be repaired and you wish to, then do it. But if it's a loss then see it as that, move on and know that your mates on here are with you. Hugs.

[Naive]

Originally posted by cateinaus

You also had plenty of tears, remember them too to try and keep things in perspective.

 

This is a way to see it. I should listen to this.

[cateinaus]

Way to go Naive, zone in on all the times he/she made you feel bad, the times you cried, the inappropriate actions, the emptiness you felt. Right now it all seems good to remember the wonderful times and it acts like a dagger being driven right through you. Don't put yourself through anymore of this. There will be plenty of time later to reflect on the good events and probably they won't seem all that great then once you have mended. However if you are having a down day, say to yourself "ok, I feel down and it's fine, I will let myself feel down just for today and tomorrow I will pick myself up again." Sometimes you need to do this in order to let yourself take a break from "trying to get on with it positively." Take care!

[Naive]

cateinaus,

 

you are so right. Sometimes we are so caught up in the good times because it hurts too much to think about the bad times or unconsciously we block out the bad times. It's much sweeter and simpler to just remember him for the good times. If I would focus more on the times I've cried and felt like s*it maybe I would not be so quick on wanting to call him.

 

When I left him I cried for two whole days and then I got myself up and made me shake it off. Of course it was still in the back of my mind, but if I did it once I can do it again.

 

Thank you so much. I know this post is for someone else, but I definitely benefit from coming on here.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by naive_2001

Sometimes we are so caught up in the good times because it hurts too much to think about the bad times or unconsciously we block out the bad times. It's much sweeter and simpler to just remember him for the good times.

 

 

I find this SO odd. For me, remembering all the good times is exactly what makes me feel like ****, because I remember when he's not here - I remember at times when I know he's not with ME, but with W. And then I realize she's having those same good times, as is he, but I'm not part of it. THAT is what hurts.

[Naive]

I guess it works differently for everyone. Anything is ok as long as it gets those liars out of our head

[meanon]

Quilly, you've done the right thing. You deserve some happiness in life. Wonderful though your love was, your affair is over. Staying in contact while you still love each other would have brought nothing but grief.

 

Being unhappily married isn't safe, it's risky. Allow yourself some time without any contat from your MM to recover before you make any firm decisions about your marriage.

 

You have a generous heart, Quilly. When you are ready, you'll love and be loved again

[MMBastard]

He said that he loves me with all his heart but that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he left his wife. It doesn't make sense.

 

The "cake" sindrome..... If you've read any of my posts he is doing the typical selfish thing we all (MMs) are doing. And while he might be toughing it out...he is hurting....pretty evident by wanting you in his life. Some men can just tough it out...some (like myself) can't and break down and attempt to contact our GFs. Unfortunatelly, while I know you wanna hear that he'll leave his wife and be with you he made it obvious he won't. If he hadn't said that I'd tell you to be upfront and tell him what you want and ecpect of him....... Anyways, good luck.

[MMBastard]

I want so badly for him to miss me and realize that he can't be without me because I already know I feel that way.

 

If he truly loved you he'll miss ya like hell. There's a good song out there these days that'll let u know how he feels

 

Usher - Burn..............

[Quilly]

Thank you everyone for the support... this is the time that we talked every morning for the past year... so having your responses to read is giving me the strength to get through without calling him.

 

It hasn't even been 24 hours yet since we last talked and I'm already thinking of how I want to email him or go see him... to try to convince him (and me) that we should still be together even if he never plans to leave his wife... even if only for another 6, 12, or 24 months. And yet I know I'm only trying to delay the inevitable (or hoping that the extra time will change his mind). Giving up all hope is a difficult thing to do, which is what I have to do before I can stop loving him.

 

Thanks again.

[LoneStar49]

Originally posted by Quilly

this is the time that we talked every morning for the past year... so having your responses to read is giving me the strength to get through without calling him.

 

 

I know exactly what you mean, Quilly. I sit here and watch the clock every morning - thinking...this is the time he used to call me. After all these years, I'm in the habit of getting up early to get a head start on dressing and stuff so I'd have time. And now....nothing but time.

 

I went through the same thing so many times, thinking to myself that it didn't matter if he was still married. A little was better than that horrible, deep in-the-gut pain. But each time, after we would resume, I would be right back where I was - wanting it all. All I did was set myself up for more hurt.

 

I don't know what to tell you since I never found anything that really worked for myself, but if you can somehow manage it - do not contact him and do not accept any contact from him. Let's just face it (and believe me, I didn't want to face it), they do very little but take the very best from us and then toss us aside when the going gets rough (interpreted as...we tell them to make a decision - that very crude but old saying...**** or get off the pot!). The other thing for me...I can't help but wonder - will I ever trust anyone again? I trusted him to never hurt me in this way. I mean, I honest to God trusted him. And now? I've even sat here wondering...if he knocked on my door with divorce papers in his hand - signed, sealed, delivered - would I ever be able to trust him not to hurt me again? I can't help but wonder that since I never believed in a trillion years that he would do to me what he's done. Just something to think about - and maybe it will help to feed your anger. I wish someone could feed mine. I'd rather be angry than hurting.

[cateinaus]

Naive- thanks for the comments

 

Quilly- print out the replies and take them with you everywhere. Read them over and over and take strength in the fact that we are sending you love and support. It will hurt and you will be sad but let those feelings wash over you. Just stand still in it all. Those feelings will cease even though they don't feel like they ever will. Don't make any decisions about your marriage yet as you are not in the emotional state to do so. Take time to smell the roses and be gentle with yourself.

[brandx]

Quilly,

 

You know pretty clearly how I feel on this. You are strong. You are better than this. You can do this. I know it is hard. You have to dig deep within yourself and know that you are loved by others and worth loving just because you are yourself. I swear to you there are other men out there who are worth opening up to who will love you and be able ad willing to give all that they are to you; this man is not one of them. And that is ok. That does not mean either he or you are bad, just that you are not right for each other.

 

 

With all due concern and respect for your feelings, Quilly, I think you might want to reconsider this statement. Don't give up all hope. Instead, hope for something else. Hope for a day when you will be over him. Hope for a day when you can find someone who will accpt your love and return it in a way that you deserve. He is not that one, no matter what your heart wants you to believe. Hope for a day when you won't have to rely on MM to feel good. You are worthwhile and good no matter who is in your life. Another quote that I love from The Shawshank Redemption:

 

Hope is a good

thing, maybe the best of things,

and no good thing ever dies.

 

This is very true. This event is a commencement for you of your relationship with MM. But while commencement means the end of one thing, it also means the beginning of something else. This is a new chapter in your life, not the end of the story. I promise. And you did not want to divorce because of MM, I'll be damned before I let you think it is good idea to stay because it is over with him. You know they are not related. Don't do that to yourself, it is hard enough. And see that movie if you haven't yet. It is a phenomenal metaphor for people like you and me. Often we find ourselves trapped in a prison (our lives) due to a combination of choices we made and unfortunate circumstances. The trick is that many of us do not realize that we can let ourselves out of that prison with some hard work because it is not comfortable to work in those places that we need to go to free ourselves. You can do this I know it.

 

And don't let yourself think another 6-24 months of a relationship that is so one sided is good for you. Don't evern worry about 6 months from now. Plan for the future, but take it one day at a time. Ok, off my soapbox for today. I am here if you need me.

 

Be Well,

 

Brand X

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Quilly

In follow up to my previous thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47113/ ...

 

I finally followed everyone's advice and told MM that I couldn't continue talking with him every day as though nothing had changed. It was a long and difficult conversation. He said that he loves me with all his heart but that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he left his wife. It doesn't make sense. We finally ran out of time (because he had to get going home, of course) and it was just kinda left that we weren't going to talk everyday. He had said towards the end of the conversation that I could contact him anytime I needed to... so I know that he won't call me and that hurts so much because I know that I can't call him since I was the one that said I wanted this.

 

I want so badly for him to miss me and realize that he can't be without me because I already know I feel that way. But he's too strong of a person... he'll get through this even though I don't want him to. I can't believe this has happened... I can't believe I didn't realize that it would. All I want right now is to hear is voice again. I don't want tomorrow to come... I don't want to sit here waiting for the phone to ring knowing that it won't... I don't want to let him go. I know that the relationship with MM caused me plenty of tears and anguish over wanting him all the time, but it also brought me so many amazing moments that I can't stop thinking about them and then it just hurts all the more.

 

It really makes me wonder what the point is in ever trying to be with someone when it so rarely works out. Which makes me think maybe I shouldn't get divorced afterall... maybe it's safer staying unhappily married. Why risk another broken heart?

 

I know I'm being irrational right now and hopefully everything will make more sense tomorrow and even more the next day, and the next day... IF I can stick with this. But for right now, I just needed a shoulder to cry on. Thanks.

 

The pain will lessen over time. Put all emails, etc, that remind you of him away. Don't throw them out, because you may need to use it against him in the future, just out of sight.

 

It's hard not to think about it. Please, for your own dignity don't initiate any further contact with him. Also, don't RESPOND to any, because it will throw you right back down to where you started. I know.

 

You will feel better in a little while......

[Quilly]

Thanks again for the support and words of encouragement... it's been a long day already, but I just need to get through until about 6pm tonight when he won't be available to me by phone anymore. Then it will just be controlling any urges to email him. But when that happens, I'll come here first so that your advice is fresh in my mind.

 

Lonestar -- I think you're right about it being easier to be angry than sad... and we have plenty to be angry about! Angry because he let me fall in love with him knowing he would never leave his wife (and I have to believe he knew this before now)... angry for all the sadness I suffered each and every weekend wanting to be with him while he was off having a good time with his wife... angry for allowing his phone calls to dictate my life day in and day out... angry for letting my love for him turn me into this dependent, needy person. Anger is good... it gives you a whole new perspective on your relationship.

 

Brandx -- Thank you again for telling me how it is. It's just the emotional lows talking... when I'm up, I absolutely know I need to follow through on the divorce. But this experience really does make me wonder about falling in love again... I never want to feel like this again. At this moment... I just don't know whether the last year was worth or not. I just need a little time to grieve and then I'll be back on my feet again. Thanks for sticking by me.

[brandx]

Of course, no problem. Sorry, sometimes I do get carried away, so feel free to tell me to shove it when I am overbearing; you do need to grieve, I can totally understand that. We are all here for you in whatever way you need. Stay strong.

 

And what is it about waiting for the call, etc. I am terrible about that. I have not been this dependent on anything since before my marriage. But here I am, emailing back and forth with my whatever you want to call her: OW, GF, I don't know since I am working on divorce papers with my wife. We do this all day. I swear I have not gotten anything done since I started talking with her. It is like I sit here waiting for an email to come in since I don't get to be with her at night, only every 2 weeks or so, waiting for the reply to my last message. Why do we do that sort of thing to ourselves? Ugh, MUST BE LESS DEPENDENT! She does the same thing we me though, too. So maybe it is just the newness or the LDR. Who knows.

[findinmyway]

It really makes me wonder what the point is in ever trying to be with someone when it so rarely works out. Which makes me think maybe I shouldn't get divorced afterall... maybe it's safer staying unhappily married. Why risk another broken heart?

 

Hi Quilly. (it's Tracy...I changed my name...needed a little identity here:)

You are so strong. I know you only see pain and heartache right now, but you will be so much better off....

I have had your exact thoughts SO many times on staying in a unhappy marriage. That's why I'm back trying to reconcile. Things aren't easier or better though. I don't want to discourage you as yours may be recoverable.

 

Right now---take things one day at a time and try to clear your head. Then, when you've at least somewhat collected yourself.....deal with your marriage. Before you make a decision...ask yourself if you would rather spend the rest of your life alone than to spend it in your marriage. Go from there. I hope the next few weeks aren't too rough on you....vent anytime.

[guest]

I read your post and am sorry you're in so much pain right now. When you start to feel a litlte better after not seeing him for a while and have grieved maybe you can start to think about whether you want to repair your marriage or not. I don't know any of the circumstances about it,

if you feel it can be or if you want to, but not seeing the mm will certainly give you more time to focus on that. I don't know what you had with mm whether it was a passionate/sex, love both, but

for some reason this post made me think of a movie with Michael Caine and Richard Gere where MC's young wife or girl friend was cheating on him with RG. It was just for the sex on RG's part and maybe more for her, she has some kind of addiction to him with a desire for love.

MC finds out about it and he forgives her and tells her that real love is compassion and so much more and he is the one who really loves her, obviously, because he wants to spend his life with her. I have always kept that in my mind. The one who really loves you is the one who is willing to be there for the bad as well as the good, and to accept you as you are. Maybe mm wouldn't do that even if he left his wife, but maybe your husband can? Anyway good luck.

[9Lives]

Try this, It might work for you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41853/