Dating a seperated man. She wanted divorce. Thoughts and s?

[Sarahjg]

I have been dating a separated man for about 1 1/2 months now. Our relationship is complicated. We met awhile back on online video games. About a year ago to be exact. Right after he and his wife decided to get divorced. I had a relationship then and he and I were just friends.

 

Then around December (me now single) we became closer playing more, we would talk a lot about or lives while playing or text and give one another advice. Then late January they officially moved out and were in separate households. He and I became even closer friends and I feel so comfortable talking to him. I am 22 and he is 34, and despite out age difference we have many things in common and our personalities click very well.

 

Right around valentines day we became even closer. We had video chatted on ps3 with other friends but around valentines day we started chatting just us, and we would chat during walking dead. Then all of a sudden after v day he became distant and we almost lost all contact with each other. Then after days of asking why he didn't want to talk or what was wrong things when back to almost normal. He was still distant but we played together again and talked during walking dead.

 

Then all of a sudden he did a 180 on me. Ever since he and I became close I have liked him, and maybe he knew it, but he has always resisted. Then all of a sudden he just opened up completely and let his guard down. He admitted he likes me. We started talking more and more and it kept progressing. Now we talk daily and video chat and Skype all the time. We both agreed we shouldn't meet until his divorce is final in July but we got impatient and met the weekend of Easter. He lives 4 hours away. The whole weekend was so perfect. He has always been so kind and respectful towards me and never inappropriate and when I with him I feel like I've known him my whole life. Our goodbye took over an hour and involved some tears and neither one of us could let go. If it weren't for the cold we would have never got back in seperate vehicles.

 

His ex suspects him of seeing someone but he hasn't admitted to dating yet, even though she is apparently living with a guy she claims she isn't with. He also has two children who are 6 and 9, which does not bother me a bit. I just want to get people's take on dating a seperated man. When I'm with him I feel like I don't have to worry or be shy or embarrassed about doing something goofy because he truly loves me for who I am. He just strokes my hair and looks into my eyes and makes me feel like the most beautiful girl on earth. We both are very touchy snuggle kind of people, something he says his marriage never had and that he has missed. We both knew we should have waited, and I voiced my concerns in the beginning that maybe he would decide he wants to be single, or I'm just a rebound. He says these things will never happen. That he didn't expect to find me so soon, but the single bachelor life isn't for him, and he could never find someone like me again. Okay this is getting long, feel free to voice opinions or your story. Nothing will change my mind about this man, just looking for others opinions.

[Gunny376]

This whole thing has more red flags to it than a Communist Parade in North Korea.

 

If you smart, you'll take a Fool's advice someone who's been there and done that.

 

RUN!

It can literally take years for this to play out. As a personal general rule? I wouldn't date anyone until the ink has been dried on their divorce papers for a minimum of two years.

 

When I first meet Mrs. Gunny via a Marine related website, she was married to a serial cheater of 22 years. We e-mailed, got to talking on the phone once she seperated and divorced her husband. Got to talking each and everyday ~ sometimes twice or more a day.

 

Still it took eight years for her and I to get together.

 

If its real and worth having? It will stand the test of time.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

It's like watching a kitten play with a box. Or a child asking why the sky is blue. You are so naively cute.

 

First, you're relationship is not complicated. He, like all guys who are in their 30's, likes having sex with chicks in their 20's. The only thing complicated is how he has to make it happen.

 

What he is doing is textbook cheater: met a year ago...right after he and his wife decided to get divorced...said he moved out 9 months after that...still not divorced...will be in 3 months...

 

Look, there's nothing wrong having sex with a married man, just don't be so naive about it--call him on his bs.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Where did you meet the weekend of Easter?

 

Have you seen his divorce docket/case summary? In many jurisdictions they are available online and can be searched by name/case #.

 

As a 'dating while separated' success story, my exW dated and was living with another man, in the home I provided in the divorce, before we were legally divorced. They remain together, in that home, now nearly three years after first cohabiting and over two years after we divorced. So, for some people it works.

 

For some reason, on this web site, conventional wisdom seems to indicate that a woman is a better bet for 'dating while separated' than a man. Hence, you may find such wisdom will indicate a separated man to be a lesser choice for a dating partner. With conventions there are always exceptions. Good luck.

[reaver]

Women are a better bet after divorce, but still alot of them are too emotionally damaged to really have a healthy relationship. In rare cases is a divorce mutually agreed upon with no drama that inflicts emotional damage.

 

STAY AWAY FROM RECENTLY DIVORCED MEN. They arent emotionally healthy enough to date but they still have needs and will get what they can without committing. They are full of drama and bull****. Stay away!

[carhill]

^^^^ LS conventional wisdom at work.

[GuyInLimbo]

Yeah, you are asking for trouble here. You shouldn't date him until papers are signed. And, take it from someone who both met people online and has wasted YEARS of life in LDRs: DON'T DO IT. Turn of the damn video games and gtfo of the house. I'm being very serious. You're young. Enjoy your 20's. get out. Meet people. Date LOCALLY. Trust me, a LDR/online relationship is NOT NOT NOT a real relationship. There are a lot of dynamics that don't come into play until you are physically around each other for long periods of time.

 

You can ignore what you want, but you are dating a guy who is STILL MARRIED and likely...YOU are the rebound. You're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt here.

[SunsetRed]

Go post this question on The Other Woman forum and see the responses you get!

 

You technically not an other woman if he and has wife live in separate places and are working on the divorce, BUT what usually happens is after you've given your heart to him, the wife (because that's what she is, a wife and not an exwife) will realize that she doenst want to lose him and she'll come up w some drama like the kids, the house, I still love you, all of our memories, whatever and he'll go back to her.

 

While hes going back to her, he'll feed you some bs, like he's not going back to a real marriage, he still loves you and wants to see you and then, you do become the other woman.

 

Been there, done that enough to write the book and the sequel. I'd sooner have teeth pulled out than to go thru that separated/married man drama again.

[Gunny376]

You can ignore what you want, but you are dating a guy who is STILL MARRIED and likely...YOU are the rebound. You're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt here

 

Not a lot of hurt? But a whole big WORLD of hurt that 's going to come down on your head!

 

Most LDR have about the half-life of a sick, hacking three legged cat thrown in amongst a pack of half starved pit bulls!

 

Mine and Mrs Gunny's relationship was a LTR ~but as I said its been EIGHT YEARS IN THE MAKING ~ the whole time with me going, "NO! NO! NO!" It was only in this last year and half that I 'cottoned' up to the idea of our actually getting together.

 

During that time there was A LOT of talk. All of the skeletons of our lives were drug out into the light of day. I told her about my yet unfilled sexual fantasy of having sex with a HBX10, clowns, and dancing grizzly bears wearing tutu's!

 

She told me about her life, short-comings, (self perceived IMHO! ) etc. We talked about our children, GC, our life aspirations, goals, attitudes about money, lifestyle, politics, just about any and everything under the sun.

 

When we did actually got together, there wasn't any hot crazy monkey sex. She's a Christian woman and doesn't play that sex before marriage crap! Its was pretty much keep your hands and lies to yourself until you can give me something with a "ring' to it!.

 

Which was fine and dandy for me? I've always have been the type that appreciated a chunk of coal that I had to work for and bust my azz to get over a diamond that was just given to me!

 

And even today, I still like having to "work for it!" Cause complacency, and taking your wife/GF/spouse for granted is usually the first two 'nail' in the coffin of most relationships.

[Sarahjg]

I still have not read all replies, slowly getting there. I would like too add that he files for device earlier than planned after he and I became closer. Also I know 100% he isn't living with her. We talk on the phone quite a bit throughout he day.

 

I have seen the divorce papers and it is posted on the Wisconsin record website. He was not after sex this I know, because he never once made any sexual advances or comments towards me even after we became more than just friends. I had to push for that. And even when we met sex was the last thing on our minds. He was very shy about the whole experience and I was the one the pushed for it more.

 

When we met we did stay in a hotel due to the fact that he is currently staying with his sister and even though his family knows he is seeing someone now he didn't want to tell them until after we met. When we first met we went and got a beer at a cute little pub to loosen up a little and the whole time all he could do was hold as stroke my hand and stare into my eyes. We then went for a walk down by the river, caught lunch at chipotle and the rest of the evening we stayed in the hotel talking and watching movies and just enjoying each other.

 

I feel like I have known this man for years. We get along so well. It's like my personality was made to compliment his and vise versa. That's the whole reason it's ever got to this point. We enjoyed one another so much. His two close friends who I also play ps3 know all about us, his mother knows he's seeing someone, his sister. There is absolutely no chance they will reconcile. He says now that's he thinks back he doesn't know how it worked so long. He was blinded by thinking he was in love, and that he ignored all the bad, or all of their differences.

[FitChick]

Another one who says avoid men until they have been officially divorced at least two years. Preferably longer with at least one serious relationship during that time.

 

Learned that lesson the hard way!

[carhill]

With the update, my advice would be to keep this potential as a possible future relationship and continue to entertain other, more local and available, potentials. Given the person's circumstances, and the distance, and the reality of his current marital status, building expectations is counterproductive to health at this point. If you can continue without expectations, essentially enjoying today for today, I think the dynamic has traction.

 

Are you willing to move to his locale? That's a realistic question since he presumably will have joint custody of his children upon divorce and many people like to remain local to family and community for child stability and health.

 

Good luck.

[Sarahjg]

Okay now that i am on a real computer i can type a little better. I love the people who post "hes cheating" or "hes not actually getting divorced". I know this to be impossible because I've seen the divorce papers, we've talked hours a day about our lives, our families, our goals, our future.

 

He pushed me away around valentines day because he was trying to resist. He still talked to me those few days, but was quiet and distant. He didn't want to like me because he has so much going on, but we just couldn't help it. He is waiting until after the divorce is final before moving into an apartment, until then he is staying at his sisters. The divorce is split 50/50, he has the kids half the time and she has them half the time. No child support, all costs will be split evenly. Ive seen the paperwork for the divorce. Ive heard him talk to his ex on the phone.

 

We have talked about our plans for our future. I am going to see him again on my birthday in June, yes before the divorce is final, but it will be the only weekend it will work for us. Were both saving up so that i can eventually move there. Ive already looked into jobs in the area. I do in home care with elderly and disabled people. We know it will not be able to be until fall or even closer to December. Yes we both know were crazy, but when you feel so strongly for someone you cant say no just because it isnt perfect timing.

 

I have also brought up me moving down right after the divorce and finding a roommate so that we could actually have a period of dating while living in the same city. We are both unsure about this idea. He says why pay money to live in a place you may not even want to be when we could just have our own place. That yes it would be nice to date me, but his mind is already made up and i should just come be with him. We talk about all of our options and try to come up with some sort of time table even though it is impossible.

 

I have also talked to him about his children and how they will accept me. He thinks his son will instantly like me because of who i am and my personality. He says as soon as he finds out i play call of duty he will always want me to play. He thinks his daughter will like me as well but is not sure how it will play out. I have no problem with him having children in fact i prefer it because i cant get pregnant and may not be able to have my own.

 

Anyway hope this provides more insight. Some of the comments were treating me like some silly little girl with a crush on some married man cheating on hisb wife, which is far from the truth.

 

Also to the guy who told me to get out i do get out all the time. In fact i had to take a break from going out because it got old. I dont just sit and play call of duty 24 7 and try to meet guys online if this is what you're thinking. i go to the gym daily, i go out with friends, as soon as the snow is gone i will be out disc golfing at the college, riding bike, going to the lake. I do get out. My past 3 relationships were a bust, nice guys but nothing in common. No passion, they bored me. It may not be the way i wanted to meet someone, but it has happened. And its worth a shot. If it doesn't work out and we do eventually go separate ways oh well, I'm not going to run away and not at least find out.

[Sarahjg]

Sigh....all you're doing is trying to justify/rationalize it in your head:

 

"Well he filed for divorce earlier bc of me" ....SO HE SAYS

 

"His mom and isster all know about me"....SO HE SAYS

 

"he's not intersted in sex"....AND YET, ODDLY ENOUGH HE HAD SEX WITH YOU

 

"He says this, he says that"....AND YET, HE IS ONLY 2 MONTHS SEPARATED FROM HIS WIFE

 

"He strokes my hand and stares into my eyes"....SO F'IN WHAT

 

"We have this connection..." ITS NOTHING BUT AN INFATUATION

 

Its obvious you aren't listening to everyone on here who tells you this is going to end horribly for you..... so enjoy the ride, and then you will learn from it. We all did in one way or another I suppose

1)He sent me a picture divorce papers as he left the court house. He filed March 23rd.

2) He has talked to his sister and mother while on the phone with me. He has told them who he is talking to. His sister has seen me on the computer while we were skyping and said hi. There is no hiding someone you talk to daily. especially this weekend because weve been talking non stop, hes home for 5 days after getting his wisdom teeth pulled.

3) I pushed for the sex. I am a very sexual person. And a man who i after only sex would have spent the entire weekend wanting to just **** the whole time, it happened only twice, once at night and once in the morning. And it was more like making love to be honest.

4) They decided on divorce a year ago, have been in separate households 3 months and not sleeping in the same room ever since they decided on divorce.

5) How is it infatuation? Would people feelings toward it be different if i were his age or he closer to mine?

[Sarahjg]

It's like watching a kitten play with a box. Or a child asking why the sky is blue. You are so naively cute.

 

First, you're relationship is not complicated. He, like all guys who are in their 30's, likes having sex with chicks in their 20's. The only thing complicated is how he has to make it happen.

 

What he is doing is textbook cheater: met a year ago...right after he and his wife decided to get divorced...said he moved out 9 months after that...still not divorced...will be in 3 months...

 

Look, there's nothing wrong having sex with a married man, just don't be so naive about it--call him on his bs.

 

You sound bitter about another situation. Don't twist my story into something else to take out your bitterness on me. I would never get into a relationship with a cheating man.

[carhill]

OP, as a disclaimer, so you know where my advice is coming from, I have a fair amount of experience with MW's (married women) and was married for around ten years. Long prior to the advent of the internet and easy verification of assertions, I happened to fall in love with a 'separated' woman, actually about your age, who turned out to be very married with children. It was an interesting road, to say the least, hence my advice to keep expectations to a minimum if you choose to proceed.

[Sarahjg]

OP, as a disclaimer, so you know where my advice is coming from, I have a fair amount of experience with MW's (married women) and was married for around ten years. Long prior to the advent of the internet and easy verification of assertions, I happened to fall in love with a 'separated' woman, actually about your age, who turned out to be very married with children. It was an interesting road, to say the least, hence my advice to keep expectations to a minimum if you choose to proceed.

 

I read and respected your response. You asked for more details and didnt point fingers saying "HOW DARE YOU BE WITH A MARRIED MAN!". I appreciate that. I know it isnt the ideal dating scenario, and thats why i am asking for opinions. However all i seem to be getting is people twisting my story or saying im getting lied to all this time. I know he is not lying to me. They act like every man who is separated is lying about everything. We were friends for many many months before ever becoming romantic. I use to talk to him about my relationships, and he would tell me about his marriage and what went wrong and his wife and kids and what his future would be like. He would tell me how he is so afraid to have to date. He felt like he would be single the rest of his life. He is very young at heart in some ways and this worried him. he is a great father and very mature when it comes to financial responsibilities and taking are of things, but still enjoys his video games and has a very sarcastic sense of humor. He was worried no woman would ever want a divorced man with two kids. He was so down on himself. The more he and i would talk about everything the more i realized just how much we had in common and how our personalities got along so well. That is why i ended up liking him so much.

[GuyInLimbo]

Sarah, look. You came here asking for advice. You are clearly not open to it, however. You're being incredibly defensive and you have an answer or excuse for everything so far. Yes, he's clearly smitten with you. But, he's getting out of a bad situation and this has the classic signs of a rebound. You're getting answers that all tell you (from people who are much more experienced than you at this stuff) that there are red flags. There's a reason for that. Even in your last post, he's relying on you for validation (He would tell me how he is so afraid to have to date. He felt like he would be single the rest of his life. He is very young at heart in some ways and this worried him. he is a great father and very mature when it comes to financial responsibilities and taking are of things, but still enjoys his video games and has a very sarcastic sense of humor. He was worried no woman would ever want a divorced man with two kids. He was so down on himself.") Well, guess what? THIS is why you stay away from someone in the middle of a divorce!! He's clearly not in a healthy state. And here comes Sarah, the princess on a white horse to rescue him. But the story usually doesn't end happily ever after. Anyone plagued by those feeling during/after a divorce MUST find a peace and happiness in their own selves to move forward into a healthy relationship.

 

Has he been seeing a therapist on a regular basis?

 

 

No one here has any vested interested in feeding you bullsh*t, ok? We rely on each other, and freely give, our advice and opinions based on our collective experiences.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not right now, you posted here because something's telling you that "something ain't right."

 

Re: the kids. YOU MUST TREAD LIGHTLY HERE. Do not, for a second, consider meeting his kids until you are physically together for more than 9 months. DO NOT subject those kids to an intense, fleeting romance. It will be very damaging to them. I don't give a sh*t how much you guys think you are in love. Every single expert out there will tell you the same thing.

 

Finally, I'm not going to tell you he's lying to you. The problem is a little muddier than that. He isn't emotionally ready to be with someone. He's still in pain, suffering from insecurities, etc. And guess who his shoulder to cry on is? It's you. But that's not the basis of a healthy relationship.

 

Spend time (a lot of it) reading about divorce and post-divorce dating. If you open your eyes and mind to this, you might start to see the red flags we are all seeing. In fact, I suggest you go to a therapist, too. Maybe someone with a PHd on the wall telling you what we are will hit home harder than a bunch of anonymous people on here.

Edited April 15, 2013 by GuyInLimbo

[carhill]

OP, at age 22, where do you see yourself in five years? What are your personal and relationship goals?

 

I ask this question because, usually, nowadays, 22 is a time to explore life, relish young adulthood and its freedoms, and learn from experiences which solidify life choices and processes.

 

What's your perspective on your current place in life and your path? Relevant to topic, how does this prospective relationship fit into/onto that life/path? How do you feel about that?

 

IMO, the process is delineating and owning a path which is healthy for you. That path might scare me to death, as an 'old fart' old enough to be your father; nevertheless, your life is your life and it's unique and valuable. You're in charge of where it goes. I hope this discussion has been/will be helpful.

[morganfreya]

People can tell you to stay away from recently divorced men all they want.

 

My parents have been married over twenty years and are still madly in love, and guess what? Oh yeah, they started dating when my dad was going through a divorce. And guess what else? My mom had been divorced a couple years earlier, too. And they both had kids with their exes.

 

I've been snooping around this website for months now and only created an account today. But I've learned that most of the people on this board like to tell you your relationship isn't going to make it. I doubt many of them have had successful relationships themselves. Don't listen to these people. If you love him and he loves you, you'll make it just fine.

 

People come here with problems. Asking for advice. And everyone's immediate solution is to break up. "Things aren't going perfect, so you should just break up!" They're not going to try and help you find a better solution to the problem. They don't care, they're not here to think of a better idea for you.

 

Chin up, darling. Go with the flow and see where things take you. And always, always follow your instincts.

[january2011]

Right now all the collective experience and wisdom of the posters in this thread don't carry as much weight as you being in love with this man.

 

If you want to play this out to its likely conclusion, then you can carry on. The chances of it ending well, with you and he together, married and having babies, is slim. And the road to this dream is covered with a number of obstacles that you'll need to overcome together.

 

It's worth bearing in mind that he might still have a couple of years to go before the divorce is finalised. Then he will probably have to deal with his fear about marrying again. You'll have to support him to get past that before he'll put a ring on your finger - if that's what you want.

 

And then there's his financial situation. Depending on his circumstances, he's likely to be paying child support and spousal support on top of his other bills. Therefore, a substantial part of his earnings will go towards his ex-family. Are you okay with that?

 

In my experience, for many people, love doesn't conquer all. As much in love as you might be, the relationship could still not work out.

 

If you are happy to carry on, knowing the worst case scenario, that's fair enough. No one can force you to do otherwise. But I'd suggest that you be savvy and cover yourself with a plan B. Make sure that you do not invest everything into this man before his divorce is final.

[Gunny376]

ask hole

 

ˈaskˌhoʊl/ Show Spelled [ask-hohl]

 

noun 1. Someone that ask for another's advice but refuses to follow it.

 

Just a little humor not directed at you Sarahjg nor anyone else. Just ran across it and thought it was funny.

 

Well since your Hell bent and leather bound Sarahjg I can only wish you and he the best of luck and a most joyous and happiest of days together, and sincerly I do wish that for the two of you ~ I really do.

 

Personally? I hope the two of you turn into one of them thar' "Yea buts, like morganfreya posted.

[Sarahjg]

People can tell you to stay away from recently divorced men all they want.

 

My parents have been married over twenty years and are still madly in love, and guess what? Oh yeah, they started dating when my dad was going through a divorce. And guess what else? My mom had been divorced a couple years earlier, too. And they both had kids with their exes.

 

I've been snooping around this website for months now and only created an account today. But I've learned that most of the people on this board like to tell you your relationship isn't going to make it. I doubt many of them have had successful relationships themselves. Don't listen to these people. If you love him and he loves you, you'll make it just fine.

 

People come here with problems. Asking for advice. And everyone's immediate solution is to break up. "Things aren't going perfect, so you should just break up!" They're not going to try and help you find a better solution to the problem. They don't care, they're not here to think of a better idea for you.

 

Chin up, darling. Go with the flow and see where things take you. And always, always follow your instincts.

 

Thanks so much. I know things wont be perfect. I know our age difference and how we met and he circumstances are frowned upon. But I can't not find out. I can't give up something so great because it "could" go bad. Everyone keeps giving advice on hot character and not the situation. I know what kind of man he is. His ex is and idiot for letting him go. He is sweet and kind and caring and a great person and father. I was looking for advice and opinions on similar situations and all I got was people saying "he's lying" and treated me like some silly child with a crush. I didn't come here for people to change my mind, I came here hear what they had to say about the situation and give their similar stories and outcomes.

[Sarahjg]

Right now all the collective experience and wisdom of the posters in this thread don't carry as much weight as you being in love with this man.

 

If you want to play this out to its likely conclusion, then you can carry on. The chances of it ending well, with you and he together, married and having babies, is slim. And the road to this dream is covered with a number of obstacles that you'll need to overcome together.

 

It's worth bearing in mind that he might still have a couple of years to go before the divorce is finalised. Then he will probably have to deal with his fear about marrying again. You'll have to support him to get past that before he'll put a ring on your finger - if that's what you want.

 

And then there's his financial situation. Depending on his circumstances, he's likely to be paying child support and spousal support on top of his other bills. Therefore, a substantial part of his earnings will go towards his ex-family. Are you okay with that?

 

In my experience, for many people, love doesn't conquer all. As much in love as you might be, the relationship could still not work out.

 

If you are happy to carry on, knowing the worst case scenario, that's fair enough. No one can force you to do otherwise. But I'd suggest that you be savvy and cover yourself with a plan B. Make sure that you do not invest everything into this man before his divorce is final.

 

Clearly you have not read all my posts. Divorce final in July. He has his children 50% of the time. No child support

[Sarahjg]

ask hole

 

ˈaskˌhoʊl/ Show Spelled [ask-hohl]

 

noun 1. Someone that ask for another's advice but refuses to follow it.

 

Just a little humor not directed at you Sarahjg nor anyone else. Just ran across it and thought it was funny.

 

Well since your Hell bent and leather bound Sarahjg I can only wish you and he the best of luck and a most joyous and happiest of days together, and sincerly I do wish that for the two of you ~ I really do.

 

Personally? I hope the two of you turn into one of them thar' "Yea buts, like morganfreya posted.

 

Lol nice. I think I like you Gunny. Honestly I've had my heart broken more than once. I've been treated like dirt before. He is just to good of a man to give up on and not find out what could be. I don't believe in soul mates, but he comes awfully close. I guess I just want to know how you know when you're in love if you've never really been in love. This man is different, my past record is clingy and crash and worrisome and just I don't know. I never had trust. I completely trust this man, I'm patient with him, we listen to one another, it just feels so natural to be with him.