He flirts and sleeps at other girls homes

[missmiss123]

My boyfriend of three months says he's serious about me, and tell his mum and best friend that I am someone good to settle with. So he wants to be with me. Recently we had a fight as I found out that he was staying overnight at another girls house, but he tells me that he isn't sleeping with them. His mad that I went through his phone messages.

 

I need to know what you think:

 

• is it ok for him to stay overnight at another girls house?
  
• is it normal for 'just friends' to do that? He says knowing that girls have a thing for him, he thinks its a confidence booster by being a cocktease and being just friends with them.
  
• He randomly adds girls on FB
  
• He goes to the movies 1-on-1 with girls
  
• He has slept with some of the girls he hangs out with, FB prior to meeting me (but he says he has not since we been together)
  

I believe him when he says he hasn't slept with the girls, but am I just being naive, all my friends are thinking I'm too weak and an idiot for believing him. But I want to be with him, what do you think? Can he be a good guy whilst doing all that? Should I try or let it go?

[Toddbt12y1]

My personal opinion is that it is never good for a Guy and a girl to be alone together, at each others' homes; especially late at night or all night. This does not imply he slept with her. But he has a past history with these girls.

 

I highly doubt he would enjoy you doing the same. It's a respect issue. As well as trust issue. Who does a "cocktease" towards girls you've slept with, in the past, and are staying over their place a whole night? No one that has a g/f or a wife, does this.

 

I would leave him(if it were me). You are free to do as you please.

[missmiss123]

Thankyou, I know, everyone has been telling me this, I think I just want more diverse opinion.

 

FYI - He stays in the same bed with them.

 

If he says he will change, should I reconsider him?

[darkmoon]

it's making you unhappy, either wants to be happy with you or he doesn't, i'd see him as ok dating material, and would tell him he's not acting in a way that fits you idea of love, so he's nothing special treats you badly

 

i wouldn't tell him you're looking elsewhere to recruit a kinder man, because you need space from him, because he's making you unhappy, poor you

 

he'll change?

 

ok, he's messing you up, so let's see a flat out three months + of him stopping no looking back

 

what does your gut tell you? a rosy future?

Edited April 15, 2013 by darkmoon

[Toddbt12y1]

Thankyou, I know, everyone has been telling me this, I think I just want more diverse opinion.

 

FYI - He stays in the same bed with them.

 

If he says he will change, should I reconsider him?

 

The fact that he even stays in the same bed as them/her, is appalling enough. With that single action, all trust(I'd have in him) would have been blown. No way in hell is he just sleeping in the same bed with girls he has had a sexual history with.

 

Do not, please, do not be his lil fool. He is not a good Guy; do not trust him nor heed his cries. Just leave him; he'll use you hard. I know it sucks...but this has to be done. No trust in his actions. This clearly hurts you.

[Kamille]

Thankyou, I know, everyone has been telling me this, I think I just want more diverse opinion.

 

FYI - He stays in the same bed with them.

 

If he says he will change, should I reconsider him?

 

The bottom line is you're not comfortable with this. And with reason. I don't know many people, men or women, who would be.

 

So, when he says he will change... Does he mean he will stop sleeping in other women's beds? Does he mean he will stop using other people to boost his own ego?

 

I would be weary if I were you. 3 months in and already having him "promise to change"? It doesn't bode well.

[missmiss123]

it's making you unhappy, either wants to be happy with you or he doesn't, i'd see him as ok dating material, and would tell him he's not acting in a way that fits you idea of love, so he's nothing special treats you badly

 

i wouldn't tell him you're looking elsewhere to recruit a kinder man, because you need space from him, because he's making you unhappy, poor you

 

he'll change?

 

ok, he's messing you up, so let's see a flat out three months + of him stopping no looking back

 

what does your gut tell you? a rosy future?

 

I know, I would like my partner to be just black and white. Me and him, no other girls. I think him going to the movies with other girls is already making me uncomfotable, but I am tolerating because I have strong feelings for him. But sleeping in the same bed, even if he isn't sleeping with them is not fine with me, and I'm not sure if he is willing to change. Mind you, this probably doesn't happen often, but still... some of the girls he has slept with, some he hasn't.

 

He really isn't great to settle with, is he?

 

I'm such a fool. And I believe him still...

[Kamille]

I know, I would like my partner to be just black and white. Me and him, no other girls. I think him going to the movies with other girls is already making me uncomfotable, but I am tolerating because I have strong feelings for him. But sleeping in the same bed, even if he isn't sleeping with them is not fine with me, and I'm not sure if he is willing to change. Mind you, this probably doesn't happen often, but still... some of the girls he has slept with, some he hasn't.

 

He really isn't great to settle with, is he?

 

I'm such a fool. And I believe him still...

 

Many people make the mistake of thinking feelings can "overcome" a bad relationship.

 

But think about it this way:

1. there are the feelings you have for him

2. then there is how this relationship actually makes you feel.

 

It's been my experience that #2 is a lot more important than #1 in building a strong, healthy, relationship. Always make sure that the relationship brings you more happiness than pain.

[Toddbt12y1]

No, not a fool. You are just in love; and you want with all your heart to be with this Guy. Because of this, you want to believe he can change. More like, hope he will.

 

It is apart of the process. If you accepted his negative behavior/actions, his disrespect of you. Stayed with him at your own peril, then you would be a fool.

 

Right now, you love and this hurts. If anyone sees you as a fool, they make themselves more foolish. If this happened to them, they would probably (if they cared for him) act similar.

[sweetkiwi]

Youch this guy is playing you like a fhucking fiddle....

 

You'll stay and learn soon that he's been cheating all along. You being a girl he could "settle" with just means he's found a woman (or girl) that he can do as he pleases to and obviously get away with it. I don't see anywhere in your posts how this relationship benefits you at all. Or any positive aspects for you.

 

How fan you justify his behavior to your own detriment???! If you don't see a major problem here then you may have codependency issues and selfesteem issues. Making you the "perfect storm" for this guy's lying cheating ways.

 

Personally I hope you figure your sh*t out before you two stamp out any semblance of selfesteem you have.

[darkmoon]

I know, I would like my partner to be just black and white. Me and him, no other girls. I think him going to the movies with other girls is already making me uncomfotable, but I am tolerating because I have strong feelings for him. But sleeping in the same bed, even if he isn't sleeping with them is not fine with me, and I'm not sure if he is willing to change. Mind you, this probably doesn't happen often, but still... some of the girls he has slept with, some he hasn't.

 

He really isn't great to settle with, is he?

 

I'm such a fool. And I believe him still...

 

yes, strong feelings, ok, so don't dump him, but quietly look elsewhere for a kinder man, date others, get out more, have fun, which you're not doing atmo xx

[NervisPervis]

 

FYI - He stays in the same bed with them.

 

 

Perfectly normal. Young men regularly sleep over at girls houses in the same bed and don't have sex. It usually stops once they hit 2 years old, but I guess it could go on into their teens and twenty's.

[missmiss123]

hahahahahahahah how old are you guys?

 

you must be younger or more innocent then him for him to try to fool you with

such a stupid story.

 

its not normal in any kind of way and if its not his sister or mom our aunts home

its wrong wrong wrong.

 

he is shore messing there.

beside ts so disrespectful towards your gf to do thins like that.

 

and beside a guy and girl at night alone sleeping whatever can happen

cause the flash is weak.

 

but i think this guy is lying to you such a stupidity to get away with.

 

dont take it.

 

I am 23, he is the second guy I've dated, the previous boyfriend I was with for 5 years.

[missmiss123]

Perfectly normal. Young men regularly sleep over at girls houses in the same bed and don't have sex. It usually stops once they hit 2 years old, but I guess it could go on into their teens and twenty's.

 

 

He is 29... and some of the girls he has slept with... in his messages to his bestfriend, he said that he was scrweing this girl named suzy and tish, he also said how he loved being single with lots of options (I was like WTF UR SINGLE R U?) Saying how some things were steady casual or FB... I think he was referring to tish... WTF I BELIEVE HIM, WHY??

 

I confronted him and he said the following:

"Linda and I talk like that, it's basically the equivalent of being a cock tease. I did tell you being chased is good for confidence. Screwing around meaning, I suspected they had a thing for me and I spend time with them but not in the literal sense, which is why it's awkward that you read other people's messages and then you see what you want to see.Either way, you deal with this however works out best for you, if you want to convince yourself I did have sex with other girls while we're together to make yourself feel more justified, so be it. I'm just not going to partake in viewing you & your friends who believe their own experiences are some kind of universal truth, ridiculous unrealistic expectations such as being with a guy that will fight for you and your lesbian friend that thinks she has some sort of greater wisdom ; I never tried to turn you, your friends or family against one another as much as she says a "real man" would do such things.Also I maintain my satisfaction that this ended as I would've predicted. Also, take your friends and own instinctive advice then. If you really believe the things you think I've done, then yes, I agree with you, go be with someone that would treat you better."

[man_in_the_box]

To clarify: Yes, you've got yourself a textbook example player for a boyfriend.

[PogoStick]

Sorry sweetie. Learn about yourself from this. What allowed you to be so easily used and misled? What can you do to become more confident and wise?

 

You may want explanations but do not engage in conversation. If you must, send him 1 final message about how much you hate him. Then block every form of contact you have and never give him the pleasure of a response, ever.

[missmiss123]

Thanks, I really need this!

[veggirl]

okay so when are you dumping him?

 

I think you should pick up a couple self-help books or something, no joke at all, your self-esteem must really be suffering if you even have to ask if this s.hit is acceptable. Obviously he is cheating on you and presenting himself as single, like could that be more clear?

[missmiss123]

I will, I was hoping that even if this was real, he would change, but I think everyone is seeing this much more clearly than I. Thanks everyone for the help.

[ascendotum]

I thought a couple of your bullet points were not toooo bad, but a couple were over the line. Then I read a couple of your ensuing posts and it just made your situation sound even worse. This guy has got it good. A devoted gf, and a bunch of fun activity friends on the side to boost his ego (but most likely more). Boot him. If it was the other way around and you were sleeping in other single guy's beds (who have the hots for you), but telling him nothing happens, do you reckon he would be cool with it. No effin way.

I'm surprised he tells you he shares their bed and does not say he sleeps on the couch.

[Eggplant]

If you're in love, then the logic part of your brain is currently being smashed by a boulder of hormones. I'm currently sober and not in love, so let me help you out: SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED IS OUTRAGEOUS.

 

Here is a good reality check to help keep yourself honest when your rational brain is compromised. Imagine chatting casually to your mother and father and friends you respect and mentioning his activities to. If you are ashamed to admit his activities to them, that embarrassment is originating from the part of your logical brain that is still kicking. Go explore your feelings further... Basically use outside family and friends who care about you to keep you honest with yourself.

[love1336x]

 

• is it ok for him to stay overnight at another girls house? No.
  
• is it normal for 'just friends' to do that? He says knowing that girls have a thing for him, he thinks its a confidence booster by being a cocktease and being just friends with them. You're his woman why does he need confidence booster?
  
• He randomly adds girls on FB. It's just facebook.
  
• He goes to the movies 1-on-1 with girls. lol, does he pay too?
  
• He has slept with some of the girls he hangs out with, FB prior to meeting me (but he says he has not since we been together). Why are you even his girlfriend?
  

 

 

I am having same issues with my man! But, he doesn't sleep over if he did... I would NOT be with him. lol, that's just tooo much.

He's txts, and ask for pics, and WANTS to hang out with them....

Hmm... We are going thur the same thing.

My best advice is to talk to him about it. If nothing changes then let go.

 

I know I am if he keeps his b.s up with me.

[NervisPervis]

..and WANTS to hang out with them....

 

You know that's because he wants to screw them, right? That is the ONLY reason a man "WANTS to hang out" with women, right?

[Kamille]

I confronted him and he said the following:

"Linda and I talk like that, it's basically the equivalent of being a cock tease. I did tell you being chased is good for confidence. Screwing around meaning, I suspected they had a thing for me and I spend time with them but not in the literal sense, which is why it's awkward that you read other people's messages and then you see what you want to see.Either way, you deal with this however works out best for you, if you want to convince yourself I did have sex with other girls while we're together to make yourself feel more justified, so be it. I'm just not going to partake in viewing you & your friends who believe their own experiences are some kind of universal truth, ridiculous unrealistic expectations such as being with a guy that will fight for you and your lesbian friend that thinks she has some sort of greater wisdom ; I never tried to turn you, your friends or family against one another as much as she says a "real man" would do such things.Also I maintain my satisfaction that this ended as I would've predicted. Also, take your friends and own instinctive advice then. If you really believe the things you think I've done, then yes, I agree with you, go be with someone that would treat you better."

 

Professional gaslighting at its best.

 

A man who loves you will want to protect you. He'll want to shield you from pain. He'll want the best for you.

 

He will not want to make you feel like your concerns are not valid. They are!

 

He will not want to make you feel like you're the one to blame for having (valid!) concerns.

 

There are better men out there. No one deserves this kind of treatment.

[Tinie]

Either way, you deal with this however works out best for you, if you want to convince yourself I did have sex with other girls while we're together to make yourself feel more justified, so be it.

 

Drop him like a bag of rocks. He sounds like he doesn't care a rat's dropping about you, which means he is not boyfriend material. The man who truly loves you WILL care how his actions make you feel. This guy can go to the devil. You deserve better.