Genie1 Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 The guy this refers to I have written about previously... But the short story background is we met at work, spent 3 months flirting rock solid and then in February, after a drunken work party we ended up in bed together and it was lovely. The day after, he told me that he was seeing if his ex fiancé was back in the country after a 2 year vacation thing and they were probably gonna get back together. I was gutted but acted cheerful for his sake. A month later, he is back at work and I assume that during his time off, he sorted things out with the ex, and they were back on. They did. The wedding is back on. But I've never known him to be this miserable!! You'd think that if you were marrying "the one", you'd be shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone! They've made no plans, they live 150 miles apart and at present, there are no plans in the headlights to move in together etc. What sort of marriage will that be?! So anyway I've kept an eye on this miserable state he's been in. I've moved work so haven't seen him in person since we slept together but we text. And he has been flirting with me. In his texts he says he wants to see me, I don't reply because he is taken! So it's out of the equation. And even though that was mega tough for me, I kept it together and did it. We saw each other today at work and my stomach turned with butterfiles. I really like this guy. Seriously like him. Every time I looked at him, he looked away from me. He was hanging round me like a lost child and barely spoke to me but when I thought I'd strike a conversation up with him, we were looking into each others eyes and I felt like screaming. The attraction is so strong and mutual. Call it a connection if ya like, that's totally what it is. I know he's not happy in that relationship. Call it intuition. You know when you just know right? Part of me feels I should tell him I like him, before I lose my chance forever. I feel like I wanna rescue him, save him from the life of miserableness. Has anyone else been in his situation? What did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 I say you steer clear.......First of all, he's engaged - whether happy or not - he shouldn't be flirting with you like he is. Good for you for ignoring him. Say you did "resuce him"....could you ever trust him? I mean, seriously trust him? I couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 What sort of marriage will that be?! So anyway I've kept an eye on this miserable state he's been in. It doesn't matter. It's none of your business. I've had married guys flirt and try stuff with me. I have too much self-respect, though, and I shut them down flat. I know that if I got involved, it would only hurt me and the other woman, and I could never do that. Stop talking to him altogether, unless it's purely for something work-related. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 The wedding is back on. But I've never known him to be this miserable!! You'd think that if you were marrying "the one", you'd be shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone! They've made no plans, they live 150 miles apart and at present, there are no plans in the headlights to move in together etc. What sort of marriage will that be?! Hasn't it only been about two months since they got back together? Many people take a year to plan a wedding. Many people don't move in together prior to a wedding. Plus, how do you know what is going on behind the scenes? How do you know that she isn't busy making plans to move and planning wedding details? I know he's not happy in that relationship. Call it intuition. You know when you just know right? It's none of your business whether he is happy or not. He is an adult, and he is choosing to marry her. Not you. Her. Part of me feels I should tell him I like him, before I lose my chance forever. You had sex with him. You engage with him by flirting via text message. He already knows you like him. I feel like I wanna rescue him, save him from the life of miserableness. Not your job. If he's marrying her, he's not that miserable. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He didn't make that choice. Sorry to sound harsh, but look at this objectively. Right after sleeping with you, he got back together with her. No matter what kind of a spin you want to put on it, he wants to be with her. If he didn't, he wouldn't be! You need to cut all contact with this guy. Stop the flirty texts. If you must interact with him for work reasons, you can't get around that. But stop everything else and move on. He's marrying someone else! You have nothing to gain but wasted time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComeUpOutDaWahta Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 Can't say that I've ever been in that sort of situation. Unfortunately, it seems like your hands are tied here. What can you really say? He's been on and off with this woman for years, and still can't figure out what he really wants? He may be diving head-first into something he'll regret later, but he's the only one who can make that conclusion. When you say he is miserable, what do you mean exactly? Does he seem like he really doesn't think she's the right one? Or does it seem like he's not ready to lose the freedom; the freedom of text-flirting and bonding women like yourself? If you do decide to talk to him about it, be prepared for your relationship to change. It'll probably make him feel pretty weak, and he may only want to be friends with you. Main issue is that you shouldn't expect him to break off his engagement and fly right into your arms. He may not want to get married, but he may not want to be with you on a level you're thinking of, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 Of COURSE he'll tell you he isn't happy. And he probably isn't, because happy fiances don't seek OWs. But the key question is, if he's so unhappy, and especially if there are no children involved, why isn't he leaving? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 Was he with his "ex" when he banged you. I'd say so. Ex back the next day and he does you. Cmon really. He's still a cheat and your still being played. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 I feel like I wanna rescue him, save him from the life of miserableness. No one person can ever, EVER rescue another. E.V.E.R. Cannot be done. You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. ^^^ Reread what I just wrote up there. ^^^ Burn it into your mind. I know he's not happy in that relationship. Call it intuition. You know when you just know right? It doesn't matter what you know about his relationship. It is HIS relationship and there is a reason he is staying in it. Period. End of sentence. Unless HE chooses to leave the relationship, you have no choice and no options. Besides, you know he cheated with you on her. Why do you want a man who would act like this? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 Op, yeah....don't believe a word of it. It's not that difficult to look sad and give a sob story of how tough life is. Then he goes home and turns that frown upside down and has sex with his fiance. Yeah...not that difficult. Think about it - if he's really so miserable, why on earth would he legally bind himself to that woman and complicate his situation more? So it's either he's a liar or a f**kin moron! Neither option makes him worth chasing after. I agree with the poster that said that the "ex" was never an ex. Guys like him are a dime a dozen and they know which girls to pick and they know exactly what to say and do to get a girl to entertain the idea of being the OW and then getting her to hang on for years! Stick with your no contact Stick to putting your integrity first. He doesn't need saving...He's doing just fine. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 Even if he left her temporarily for you, they seem to have a weird unhealthy on/off again thing, so he'd prob in the end go back to her. Not to mention if they do break up, he wouldn't be emotionally ready to date and you'd be a rebound. It's just pointless to try anything with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 OP get a life....and your own man 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 He's probably happy. He's only sending you vibes that he's not to keep your bed warm. Run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 It is absolutely and unequivocally NOT your business what THEIR marriage will be like. It is not your business to fix him. It is not your job to make him less miserable. He is currently with someone else by choice and he didnt choose you, even after your amazing one night stand. It is all it was for him. It may mean/have meant something to you but it was not that for him. He was using you for sex, and you caught feelings. GASP! Not unheard of. If he wanted you to fix him (although not possible) he would tell you that, and he would be with you so you could fix him. Instead he is with her and she can fix him. He is also telling you that things are bad between them to justify sleeping with you. Please wake up. It sucks when all you have are good moments with someone that cloud your judgement of them completely. For that, I am sorry. He is not the man for you, and he is marrying someone else. On purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Genie1 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Share Posted April 17, 2013 Hey thank you for all the reply messages It's doing my head in because I KNOW you are all right. And this is horrible. My friends (who have seen his behaviour), tell me it's totally clear he likes me a lot and is nervous as hell around me and he can't stop looking at me, but regardless of that, he is with someone!! To help me, I've even drafted out a text message and saved it, with plans to send it to him next time he starts flirting or suggesting we meet. It states things like "you shouldn't even be saying this stuff to me because yore getting married etc" Plus also, and I dunno if anyone has felt this in the same situation as me before, but I can't stop thinking about him. I am on my phone checking it every night, and the first thing I do when I wake up is check to see if I have any messages from him. I know I need to snap out of this, because it's going to ruin my chances of possibly meeting someone new (because my head is stuck in a situation where nothin can be done) I appreciate all the support guys and girls.... Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 Hey thank you for all the reply messages It's doing my head in because I KNOW you are all right. And this is horrible. My friends (who have seen his behaviour), tell me it's totally clear he likes me a lot and is nervous as hell around me and he can't stop looking at me, but regardless of that, he is with someone!! To help me, I've even drafted out a text message and saved it, with plans to send it to him next time he starts flirting or suggesting we meet. It states things like "you shouldn't even be saying this stuff to me because yore getting married etc" Plus also, and I dunno if anyone has felt this in the same situation as me before, but I can't stop thinking about him. I am on my phone checking it every night, and the first thing I do when I wake up is check to see if I have any messages from him. I know I need to snap out of this, because it's going to ruin my chances of possibly meeting someone new (because my head is stuck in a situation where nothin can be done) I appreciate all the support guys and girls.... umm I don't think you get the point, you shouldn't be texting him at all. It's not a friendship, you are not buddies or colleagues. He's getting married. Somewhere out there is a woman doing what she's doing planning a life for her and her man, whether this guy is committed to it or whatever is for them to work out. She trusts him. Meanwhile there you are texting each other knowing if given the chance what you'll do. Just cut off contact for christs sake, all this wishy washy nonsense of drafting texts or letters, just damn well tell him "You're getting married, focus on your fiancee and move on." Simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leegh Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 There is nothing worse then not knowing about how someone feels. There may be some type of mis-communication between you and he, and it doesn't seem like things are clear between the two of you. He obviously does have feelings for you, and I think you should talk to him about it. Engagements are broken all the time, and he may be marrying this other girl out of obligation. There is nothing worse then not knowing how someone feels, it can be misery. Clarity is what is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 Okay ask him if she is pregnant? If not, what obligation does he have with her? He asked her to marry him even after he had slept with you. The point is he wanted her to be his wife. I have been where you are OP and someone I dated for 3 years got engaged to another girl. I wished him well and cut ties immediately because my ego won't let me play second. He chased, he promised to break it off with her but in my mind it was too late. He had already asked her to marry him. Whatever happened between them that made him ask her to marry him had to still be there. He didn't ask me to marry him and I was single too. He chose her. I didn't need to hear anymore. Immediately I changed my number and all contact info. :laugh:I even got another job and apartment. He is just acting sad around you to line you up to be his OW after he marrys her. Don't do it. He isn't miserable because if he was he would break it off and he hasn't. Friends do not want to hurt your feelings and often tell us things they think we want to hear. I think that's why you are here on this forum so that you can hear the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrownBarbie Posted April 20, 2013 Share Posted April 20, 2013 Yes totally not getting it. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU! He will marry her. She has something you don't have. Friends are always trying to make the desperate friends feel like things are more than they should be. Let me tell you he's not goo goo ga ga over you. That distance you feel, waiting for his texts. It's real. He's distant. Let him marry her and you can just be the OW-other woman. Seems like you have it in you. You're sound so understanding of his situation :-) .... I bet that's the difference btw you and his fiancée Link to post Share on other sites
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