steveT95 Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 This thread is continuing http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/383584-my-nc-journey I feel I have come along way since my last post on that site, I have found the happy middle. My feelings for her, although once very strong, have become controllable as long as I don't have anything to do with her. I no longer feel stabbed each time I think of the good times. Sure, I miss them and how we were then but she isn't like that anymore. I miss how she made me feel but not her as she is now. In six hours it will be 4 days NC. The longest I would have managed in the history of this mess. I have been feeling incredibly anxious today at college, worried I was going to bump into her. Every time I left a lesson I kept looking for someone waiting for me, but, of course, no one was there. College is going to be the best and worse thing for me. It will keep me busy but there is a chance I will bump into her or her friends. Although I doubt her friends care, they never have before when she's left someone. I will my improvements or regression here Please feel free to comment 1 Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted April 15, 2013 Share Posted April 15, 2013 It's still early days for you. I know it can be motivating in a checkbox kind of way, but when you stop counting the days of NC, that's when the fog will clear even more. One day, you will catch yourself and realise that you haven't thought about her in a while or heard from/about her. And you'll only pause for a moment before shrugging off the memories to move on with your day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 Steps backwards now.. Today I have been missing her. Not who she is now but who she was and we were. I see her as two people sometimes. Brunette T and Blonde T because she died her hair blonde around the same time we began to crumble and she didn't look as nice, so I associate her with blonde hair as the whiny bitch and her with brunette hair as the girl I loved. Today I went on my fb to change my profile picture and there was a comment from her on the old one from weeks ago. I saw her profile picture was different, so foolishly clicked on it. She looked beautiful, how she used to when she was brunette it made me feel so much worse I immediately regretted looking at the picture and to make things worse there were comments on it from the guy she flirts with in aus saying 'GORGEOUS' I just ended up sobbing like a baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Share Posted April 17, 2013 Well I couldn't go to college today, the depression is getting worse. Have arranged for counselling but feel worried about that. Feels kind of wussy, y'know. Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 It's normal to feel depressed! I'm not familiar with your breakup or how long it has been, but if you're less than a week into no contact then I would be surprised if you weren't feeling depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Share Posted April 17, 2013 It's just over two weeks but go dragged out a bit after the official break up and before that it was been dragged along for about a month. Had my heart ripped out and kicked across the floor. The depression can hit me so hard I can't move. I need more sleep too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 Well in just under four hours it will be 1 week no contact. Never thought I would get to this point if I am honest. Very pleased 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 21, 2013 Author Share Posted April 21, 2013 Well it has been a rough few days. Was getting really angry ended up smashing a bucket to pieces because I couldn't get the punch bag to hang properly. I'm not a violent man but I was just so stressed! Felt so much better afterwards though. She tried contacting me several time and I have ignored it all, from texts and irritated messages on facebook to a couple of phone calls this evening. Although I have to admit I kind of feed off of it. Knowing that she is wanting to contact me and I am the one in control saying no gives me a lot of strength and a very positive outlook. Have been worried that I won't feel as happy as I did with her but I've been trying not to dwell on that. Today after a dream in which I chatted to her I felt very empty inside. I missed liking her. But then she tried call and I ignored it and I felt like I was feeling ready to move on. I know I was deeply in love with her but I think because the BU was dragged out so long that I am moving on a bit quicker. Although I will still have my relapses occasionally it is just a matter of venting and staying in control with NC. If I am honest, one of the only worries I have is getting happier before my 18th. 10 days NC and I am hardly counting, the days are just flying by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 In about six or so hours it will be 2 weeks no contact. The past few days I have been feeling a lot stronger and happier. She seems to have moved on already and is flirty a lot with a guy I was wary of when we were together. That is typical of her!! I really really really want to break no contact today. Today has been a lot tougher for some reason, gah! Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 In about six or so hours it will be 2 weeks no contact. The past few days I have been feeling a lot stronger and happier. She seems to have moved on already and is flirty a lot with a guy I was wary of when we were together. That is typical of her!! I really really really want to break no contact today. Today has been a lot tougher for some reason, gah! Stay strong, Steve. You got this. Absolutely no good will come of contacting your ex. Period. Full stop. But if you need any further encouragement, browse the many recent threads from LS posters who have broken NC and regret it bitterly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 NC broken Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 She was saying I had posted horrible things about her. I posted some stuff on a blog but it wasn't directly at her, just her interpretation. Said I was been a coward and spineless. Phoned her up said what I had to say cleared my head. It was an argument but it felt good. I'm sure I will drop once the adrenaline wears off but I feel like I may have a clearer mind now. I don't know. I'm sure everyone will say I was in the wrong and I'm sure this may have set me back a few steps but whats done is done. Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 She was saying I had posted horrible things about her. I posted some stuff on a blog but it wasn't directly at her, just her interpretation. Said I was been a coward and spineless. Phoned her up said what I had to say cleared my head. It was an argument but it felt good. I'm sure I will drop once the adrenaline wears off but I feel like I may have a clearer mind now. I don't know. I'm sure everyone will say I was in the wrong and I'm sure this may have set me back a few steps but whats done is done. Hi Steve, Sorry to hear this. You're right; you're most likely going to crash after the temporary high of engaging with her wears off. Remember the counselor's alcohol analogy? Brace yourself for a major emotional hangover. I don't think you are "wrong" to break NC; it's not a sin, and it's certainly not my place to judge you. However, I think you'd agree that you made a choice that simply isn't in your best interest. So, if you don't mind my asking, what led you to that decision? M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 Although I have been getting better I have had this nagging bitter anger going through my head constantly. Although it got less it was still there like a demon on my shoulder. Nothing was taking it away. I felt the only way to let go was to finally get my chance to say how i felt she was acting. I was so tempted to contact her but didn't want to be the one to make contact. When she and her friend were anonymously contacting me I jumped at the chance to contact her. My mind feels more at ease now. I know I will find the next few days difficult but I also know I will be able to rebuild myself stronger than before and quicker too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 and after a second argument the buzz has worn off I feel on rock bottom. I can't even believe it is us arguing when we were once so good. back in hell, feel terrible. I hate myself for putting myself through it I know now I'm just going to here 'I told you so..' Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 and after a second argument the buzz has worn off I feel on rock bottom. I can't even believe it is us arguing when we were once so good. back in hell, feel terrible. I hate myself for putting myself through it I know now I'm just going to here 'I told you so..' Nope. Not from me. As I said, it's not my place to judge (or blame, or shame) you. What I will say is that the emotional rollercoaster of engaging in ugly arguments with your ex-girlfriend sounds exhausting and incredibly painful. If you choose NC, it needs to be of your own volition, not because some Internet strangers are shaming you into it or hawking it like a magical elixir, but because YOU believe it is the best course of action. Until that happens, all the finger-wagging in the world would be futile. You are going to heal at your own pace, Steve. In my view, NC will greatly help you with this process. However, I am not in charge of your life and decisions. You are. Sending good thoughts. M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I was getting stronger, I was coping and learning to live without her in my life but I said had bitter thoughts niggling away at me. But now the argument has cleared some of those feelings up. There is no such thing as true closure in these situations but you can't bottle up strong feelings like I was feeling. I think you need to have truly said all that there needs to be said. But now, now I am pretty sure NC will remain and be the way forwards from now for me healing. And I think I may get to the stage of healing where I was beforehand without it taking so long. At times like this I just can't believe it is us arguing after we were once so good.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 I don't know how many days NC but ah well.. Today has been a tough one. First night without sleeping tablets so I didn't get much sleep. Been feeling pretty lonely all day, I guess that's gonna happen when there's not much going on. But had a couple of major boosts to keep the depression under control. Passed my driving test yesterday, first time. Which was causing me a lot of stress. So I am really happy about that. And I received a very large cheque so that's more worries gone, and I can afford my camera now. Today I woke up and for a split second I forgot I was alone. Then it hit me. That set the tone for the day. I miss been able to talk to her about the things only we could talk about. But she doesn't want to hear from me and I don't want to hear from her. She is not that person I loved anymore and I am not going to be second best to anyone. One day at a time and I think I can do this Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 Just realised..it's one week NC...again. But, hell, it has been a bloody hard week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Share Posted May 3, 2013 I broke NC and I don't care As some of you know, a big issue was that she started talking to this guy, long-distance, but it got too friendly for my liking. She has been blocked for ages now and he was never on my facebook. But his name popped up when another friend of mine added him. So I went on his account to block him just so he wouldn't be popping up out of the blue. I accidentally sent a friend request!# She text asking why and we had a little chat. I wasn't going to ignore the question because that would look weird. She asked how things were going and I told her how great everything was despite wanting to tell her how sh*t everything still is. I had felt a bit low throughout the day and the conversation didn't make me feel worse of better. Although I won't be doing it again soon, I don't want to, I'm not ready. And I am feeling it a little now, but only a little. However, I do feel this is a good step. We have had a normal talk without arguments or it upsetting me. I must be getting stronger Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 Well, learnt another lesson. Breaking NC did affect me negatively but not extremely. I haven't spoken to her properly since then although today she text me 'happy birthday!' to which I simply replied 'thank you' The emotions over the situation are still there and strong but I am learning to live with them. Anxiety can be a bit of an issue though. From reading other posts on this page I am beginning to see how she had developed certain behaviours similar to an abusive partner, making me feel in the wrong. One time accusing me of condoning rape, which was upsetting to hear because the only two women in my life that I love(d) were raped and I have seen the affects it has had on them. I miss her, I'll be honest about that but I should not ever forgive her for the pain she caused me (and continues to), not completely. I am starting to see a counselor soon after weeks of waiting. Please feel free to comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveT95 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 One week NC,again. Not sure how I'm doing, again. Won't break it this time, again. Met the President of the United States, again (Little Forrest Gump quote there for ya ) Just really want to start counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
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