Why Do People Stay In Lousy Relationships?

[MrCastle]

This seems like something I've seen more women do than men, but it could be because I'm only paying attention to women and not men since I'm not interested in dating them.

 

But really, there's one girl I know, every other day she posts one of those quote pictures on facebook that deals with breaking up/leaving someone or being strong or something, but everytime I click on her profile, it says she's in a relationship with this same guy.

 

Then I know a few girls who take breaks, sometimes several breaks from their bfs but always end up back with them.

 

To me, relationships shouldn't really be "work". I know people say relationships are work but I disagree to a point. It shouldn't feel like a constant grind. It shouldn't be up there with the stresses of work, school, etc.

 

Relationships should be fun, and an escape from your everyday problems. You have someone there to support you through those other hard times, not be the cause of it.

 

Why can't these people find it in themselves to just leave? Is feeling like crap a few days a week better than being alone? I don't get it.

[Treasa]

There's only one kind of constant grind I enjoy, IF you know what I mean!

 

For me, although it would be easy to blame it on insecurity or not wanting to be alone, it was because I just suck at hurting people. I can't think of a single guy who broke up with me who I didn't want to break up with first. I just never vocalized it. It's taken me an awfully long time to stop worrying so much about hurting people by putting myself first.

 

It's telling that my very first feeling if a guy ever broke up with me was relief.

 

I can't speak for others, though.

[TigerCub]

Maybe they have low self esteem and don't think they will find anyone better.

 

Depending on how long the relationship is I think some people look back and think "well I've invested so much into this - I can still make it work if I try hard enough"

 

Some people have kids involved so that makes things even more complicated.

 

 

I do agree with you that if someone isn't happy, they should leave. Personally I'd rather be alone than unhappy. But I guess everyone has their story and their different circumstance.

[William]

As this appears to be more of a general discussion rather than personal to the thread starter, we'll move this to the general relationship discussion forum.

[MrCastle]

Maybe they have low self esteem and don't think they will find anyone better.

 

Depending on how long the relationship is I think some people look back and think "well I've invested so much into this - I can still make it work if I try hard enough"

 

Some people have kids involved so that makes things even more complicated.

 

 

I do agree with you that if someone isn't happy, they should leave. Personally I'd rather be alone than unhappy. But I guess everyone has their story and their different circumstance.

 

It sucks. The women I speak of are beautiful, educated young women. They have the world at their fingertips. They could have anyone they want. They choose instead to stay with the same person they've been with since they were in high school, just because they have history. Some people just aren't meant to be together. I wish they saw that.

[Woggle]

People have their reasons. Some people actually get off on the drama of a bad relationship. Stop trying to figure it out.

[TigerCub]

There's only one kind of constant grind I enjoy, IF you know what I mean!

 

For me, although it would be easy to blame it on insecurity or not wanting to be alone, it was because I just suck at hurting people. I can't think of a single guy who broke up with me who I didn't want to break up with first. I just never vocalized it. It's taken me an awfully long time to stop worrying so much about hurting people by putting myself first.

 

It's telling that my very first feeling if a guy ever broke up with me was relief.

 

I can't speak for others, though.

 

That's actually a good point.

I've known people to do that (funny enough, mostly guys), but yeah they just don't want to have that talk or cause that pain so they just maintain the status quo for a long time!

[TigerCub]

It sucks. The women I speak of are beautiful, educated young women. They have the world at their fingertips. They could have anyone they want. They choose instead to stay with the same person they've been with since they were in high school, just because they have history. Some people just aren't meant to be together. I wish they saw that.

 

Yeah from the outside lookin in I'm sure it's frustrating to see because you know that they can do better.

 

I think when it comes to young people that have been with someone for a long time, I'm sure that codependency has something to do with it in most cases.

[MrCastle]

People have their reasons. Some people actually get off on the drama of a bad relationship. Stop trying to figure it out.

 

I can't help but think about it. I'm a hedonist at heart. Believing pleasure is the ultimate goal in life and trying to avoid pain as much as possible.

 

To me it's a no brainer, the bad is outweighing the good? I'm booking.

 

I just don't get how some people don't see that, or see it but choose to remain unhappy. It's mind boggling.

 

Life is short. We weren't put here to experience suffering that could be avoided. Not to me, anyway.

[Woggle]

I can't help but think about it. I'm a hedonist at heart. Believing pleasure is the ultimate goal in life and trying to avoid pain as much as possible.

 

To me it's a no brainer, the bad is outweighing the good? I'm booking.

 

I just don't get how some people don't see that, or see it but choose to remain unhappy. It's mind boggling.

 

Life is short. We weren't put here to experience suffering that could be avoided. Not to me, anyway.

 

But for some peopled drama and emotional roller coasters are pleasure. I don't get it either but I don't get the appeal of smoking or doing heroin but people still do it. There are many things about this world that I don't get and it is best if I just worry about my own life and leave them to it.

[MrCastle]

But for some peopled drama and emotional roller coasters are pleasure. I don't get it either but I don't get the appeal of smoking or doing heroin but people still do it. There are many things about this world that I don't get and it is best if I just worry about my own life and leave them to it.

 

That is true. Some people enjoy the drama. Well I think those people are damaged goods and would end up sabotaging a healthy relationship anyway. Maybe they are better off staying with that one person so the rest of us don't have to deal with it

[Poppy fields]

It may not be popular but relationships are, at times, damn hard work. Life in general is not easy so those life stressors put pressure on relationships whether you like it or not. Ideally, your partner will be able to help you through these times, but sometimes they are the stressor and that is when things get tricky. For example, if your partner is having issues at work, of course that is probably going to cause friction at home. You just have to work through those times together, but they suck.

 

I am currently at a place in my relationship where things are going great. We seem to be sailing along nicely. We have a good groove and everything is in harmony. I know this **** won't last though. Tough times will come, but then good times will follow. It is all worth it to me to know someone always has my back.

 

Now, these women you are talking about may be settling, or they may see it differently. They may be sticking out a tough time because they love their partner and know good times are just around the corner.

 

Hard to tell from a few quotes on Facebook. Then again, they are your friends so you would know better. They may feel trapped. Who knows? Just giving a different perspective.

[Woggle]

That is true. Some people enjoy the drama. Well I think those people are damaged goods and would end up sabotaging a healthy relationship anyway. Maybe they are better off staying with that one person so the rest of us don't have to deal with it

 

Have you seen somebody who never seems more alive and animated then when they are going through some stupid mostly imposed drama? They are the people who stay in bad relationships. They would probably get bored in a healthy one.

 

I have had too much real drama in my life to want that crap. Calm and peaceful suits me just fine.

[Treasa]

I just don't get how some people don't see that, or see it but choose to remain unhappy. It's mind boggling.

 

Life is short. We weren't put here to experience suffering that could be avoided. Not to me, anyway.

 

That's great that you feel that way. But the amount of energy you're putting into what other people are doing is probably taking away from something else pleasurable you could be doing.

 

Unless it's someone extremely close to me and they're being hurt or hurting themselves, I mind my own. I can't control people, it's tiring to even try, and I have a hard enough time keeping myself in check.

[Woggle]

It may not be popular but relationships are, at times, damn hard work. Life in general is not easy so those life stressors put pressure on relationships whether you like it or not. Ideally, your partner will be able to help you through these times, but sometimes they are the stressor and that is when things get tricky. For example, if your partner is having issues at work, of course that is probably going to cause friction at home. You just have to work through those times together, but they suck.

 

I am currently at a place in my relationship where things are going great. We seem to be sailing along nicely. We have a good groove and everything is in harmony. I know this **** won't last though. Tough times will come, but then good times will follow. It is all worth it to me to know someone always has my back.

 

Now, these women you are talking about may be settling, or they may see it differently. They may be sticking out a tough time because they love their partner and know good times are just around the corner.

 

Hard to tell from a few quotes on Facebook. Then again, they are your friends so you would know better. They may feel trapped. Who knows? Just giving a different perspective.

 

I have been with my wife 8 years and married for 7 and I would say it has been 95% good times. We argue, deal with it and move on to being happy again.

[sweetkiwi]

I was one of the women you're talking about castle. And I can only offer my own personal reasons for staying.

 

- sense of loyalty, of wanting to exhaust all possible ways to repair the relationship.

- invested time, feeling like we'd been through so much and had so much history/bonding experiences.

- habit, I was.accustomed to him and vice versa and didn't want to rock the boat by tearing everything apart.

- codependency, I literally needed to be needed, that feeling of being depended upon by someone was/is addictive.

- trying to "fix" people, white knight syndrome.

- immaturity, not being able to grasp the concept that life continues after the end and will get better if you allow it to.

- and finally in one case a child was involved and I kept going back to his abusive father because I felt a responsibility for the child.

[Treasa]

I was one of the women you're talking about castle. And I can only offer my own personal reasons for staying.

 

- sense of loyalty, of wanting to exhaust all possible ways to repair the relationship.

- invested time, feeling like we'd been through so much and had so much history/bonding experiences.

- habit, I was.accustomed to him and vice versa and didn't want to rock the boat by tearing everything apart.

- codependency, I literally needed to be needed, that feeling of being depended upon by someone was/is addictive.

- trying to "fix" people, white knight syndrome.

- immaturity, not being able to grasp the concept that life continues after the end and will get better if you allow it to.

- and finally in one case a child was involved and I kept going back to his abusive father because I felt a responsibility for the child.

 

This, and because I'm awful when it comes to quitting things. I am not a quitter! This is both a blessing and a curse.

[Poppy fields]

I have been with my wife 8 years and married for 7 and I would say it has been 95% good times. We argue, deal with it and move on to being happy again.

 

That's great, but not everyone's lives go along so swimmingly. My partner and I have been through some very tough times where I am sure some people from the outside were rooting for us to throw in the towel. We didn't though and our lives have been made better from sticking it out. So I believe.

 

Now if I was with a miserable douchebag where we never had any good times, I would be gone in a minute. The good outweighs the bad though, so I stay.

[MrCastle]

I don't know if I'm investing too much thought, it's just a thread topic and something I was curious about.

 

I just don't think when you ask someone how their relationship is, they should eye roll and sigh before giving you an answer.

 

Me: So how are you and ___?

 

Her: *Eye roll*, *Sigh*, you know...relationships...

 

It's like, uh, no I don't know. Maybe I've seen too many movies, but talking about your partner should be smile producing. Not eye roll producing. Just my opinion.

 

Of course I have never been in love/LTR so I can't say for sure, but if I get involved and my reaction is an eye roll, I want you guys to show me this thread.

[Treasa]

Oh, I got the feeling it was because there was a girl you liked who was in a bad relationship. My bad!

 

I don't know. I don't like discussing how my relationship is going when I'm in one. I'd rather just enjoy it, or not enjoy it, and be alone in my thoughts about it.

[Woggle]

I don't know if I'm investing too much thought, it's just a thread topic and something I was curious about.

 

I just don't think when you ask someone how their relationship is, they eye roll and sigh before giving you an answer.

 

Me: So how are you and ___?

 

Her: *Eye roll*, *Sigh*, you know...relationships...

 

It's like, uh, no I don't know. Maybe I've seen too many movies, but talking about your partner should be smile producing. Not eye roll producing. Just my opinion.

 

Of course I have never been in love/LTR so I can't say for sure, but if I get involved and my reaction is an eye roll, I want you guys to show me this thread.

 

I will. Before I met my wife I thought relationships were about drama which is why I vowed never to get into one again. I wanted a drama free life and in order to do that I needed to stay single. Now I know how good it can be with a good and healthy relationship. These past six months have been very trying times for both of us but it has brought us closer together and the marriage was a source of comfort instead of another stressor.

[Poppy fields]

I don't know if I'm investing too much thought, it's just a thread topic and something I was curious about.

 

I just don't think when you ask someone how their relationship is, they should eye roll and sigh before giving you an answer.

 

Me: So how are you and ___?

 

Her: *Eye roll*, *Sigh*, you know...relationships...

 

It's like, uh, no I don't know. Maybe I've seen too many movies, but talking about your partner should be smile producing. Not eye roll producing. Just my opinion.

 

Of course I have never been in love/LTR so I can't say for sure, but if I get involved and my reaction is an eye roll, I want you guys to show me this thread.

 

Most days for me it is smile producing. We have had a lengthy relationship though so there are some days where someone could have asked me about him and it would have been vomit producing. Things have gotten that bad. Fortunately those times are few and far between because I wouldn't stick it out otherwise.

[sweetkiwi]

I don't know if I'm investing too much thought, it's just a thread topic and something I was curious about.

 

I just don't think when you ask someone how their relationship is, they should eye roll and sigh before giving you an answer.

 

Me: So how are you and ___?

 

Her: *Eye roll*, *Sigh*, you know...relationships...

 

It's like, uh, no I don't know. Maybe I've seen too many movies, but talking about your partner should be smile producing. Not eye roll producing. Just my opinion.

 

Of course I have never been in love/LTR so I can't say for sure, but if I get involved and my reaction is an eye roll, I want you guys to show me this thread.

 

When I was young I thought, "Wtf are these adults doing in relationships where they fight and get angry, why not get different people?"

 

But unfortunately till you yourself have a relationship you cant really understand the emotions involved in having one. Not that I am saying its right. Its not. I refuse to be in those kinds of relationships now.

 

Won't be flowers and sunshine constantly though, thats delusional. Relationships can be lots of work. But it shouldn't be constant work.

[MrCastle]

Oh, I got the feeling it was because there was a girl you liked who was in a bad relationship. My bad!

 

I don't know. I don't like discussing how my relationship is going when I'm in one. I'd rather just enjoy it, or not enjoy it, and be alone in my thoughts about it.

 

Ha! That definitely plays a part. I've said many times a lot of women I'm into are spoken for. Some are genuinely happy and I would never try to break them ul or interfere--but others?...

 

Some others make it very easy.

 

Why stay in a crummy relationship, airing out your dirty laundry every 2 days on social media, texting me the private ins and outs of your relationship, if you're not secretly crying for help? They want someone to help take them out of the relationship.

[Poppy fields]

Ha! That definitely plays a part. I've said many times a lot of women I'm into are spoken for. Some are genuinely happy and I would never try to break them ul or interfere--but others?...

 

Some others make it very easy.

 

Why stay in a crummy relationship, airing out your dirty laundry every 2 days on social media, texting me the private ins and outs of your relationship, if you're not secretly crying for help? They want someone to help take them out of the relationship.

 

Maybe the sex is really good.