Why Do People Stay In Lousy Relationships?

[TheGuard13]

People tend to overthink this. The bottom line is this: Everyone's relationship is different. People stay in a relationship because there is a reason they have found to stay.

 

It's not always about the bad outweighing the good. Math is not the way to figure out a relationship. Should someone stay in a relationship where 90% of the time her husband is perfect, but 10% of the time he beats her? Probably not, even if she likes the good times more than she hates the bad times.

 

It's about the reason they have for being in it in the first place, and the reason they find to stay. Those are as varied as the people who are in the relationships.

 

And yes, a good, REAL, honest relationship is a lot of work. Two people, I don't care how well they get along, will sometimes be at odds. There will be conflict. It is not "easy" to resolve such issues, and so relationships that are operating in a healthy way will not be easy to maintain. Does that mean it doesn't get easier? No. But they tend to be a lot of work, even if it's just emotional work.

 

Society teaches us that this is part of a good relationship. The problem with this approachb is that most people, at least early on in their dating experience/adulthood don't have a really good way to gauge what an appropriate amount of crap to put up with in a relationship is. There's a lot of what's "supposed" to happen that people make decisions based on.

 

For instance, I dated and married a woman who was overweight, had some other health issues including bipolar disorder, had no sex drive after a while because she was insecure, had no good job prospects, and who couldn't communicate in a healthy, respectful and fair manner. Because I loved her, and thought that I was supposed to love her for who she was, I thought that all the work I put into the relationship I had with her was normal "marriage" (and it is for a lot of people) stuff, and that it was the normal marital struggle people talk about. And I think it was, in some ways, as everyone has their issues, and every relationship has its challenges.

Edited April 15, 2013 by TheGuard13

[MrCastle]

People tend to overthink this. The bottom line is this: Everyone's relationship is different. People stay in a relationship because there is a reason they have found to stay.

 

It's not always about the bad outweighing the good. Math is not the way to figure out a relationship. Should someone stay in a relationship where 90% of the time her husband is perfect, but 10% of the time he beats her? Probably not, even if she likes the good times more than she hates the bad times.

 

It's about the reason they have for being in it in the first place, and the reason they find to stay. Those are as varied as the people who are in the relationships.

 

And yes, a good, REAL, honest relationship is a lot of work. Two people, I don't care how well they get along, will sometimes be at odds. There will be conflict. It is not "easy" to resolve such issues, and so relationships that are operating in a healthy way will not be easy to maintain. Does that mean it doesn't get easier? No. But they tend to be a lot of work, even if it's just emotional work.

 

Society teaches us that this is part of a good relationship. The problem with this approachb is that most people, at least early on in their dating experience/adulthood don't have a really good way to gauge what an appropriate amount of crap to put up with in a relationship is. There's a lot of what's "supposed" to happen that people make decisions based on.

 

For instance, I dated and married a woman who was overweight, had some other health issues including bipolar disorder, had no sex drive after a while because she was insecure, had no good job prospects, and who couldn't communicate in a healthy, respectful and fair manner. Because I loved her, and thought that I was supposed to love her for who she was, I thought that all the work I put into the relationship I had with her was normal "marriage" (and it is for a lot of people) stuff, and that it was the normal marital struggle people talk about. And I think it was, in some ways, as everyone has their issues, and every relationship has its challenges.

 

Agree with some points but not about the working part. I think that's a social construct not based in reality. Again though, I'm a hedonist. I don't think that some things are just "work", or "hard" and that's it. I don't agree with that.

 

As I said; yes, problems arise, but how serious they are and how they are handled can be done effortlessly, with the right person, in my opinion.

 

You could have two people who are truly in love, and somehow make a long distance relationship work with ease, then have a couple who live together and their relationship falls apart because one of them works too many hours and can't find time to nurture the relationship.

 

There is work in the sense that, not everything is going to come easy, but not work in the sense that you feel drained trying to keep the thing afloat. Like I said, relationships are not supposed to be up there with work and school or other situations that drain a person while providing very little joy.

 

People that believe relationships come with a significant deal of "work" are the ones who are miserable and don't realize they have the option to leave.

[Treasa]

I'm really happy for others who have romantic relationships. I just don't need that anymore. I have companionship from good friendships, and I honestly just want to have sex and not be tied down. I agree that people should do something about a situation they're unhappy in, although what they could do will vary from person to person.

[sweetkiwi]

I'm sure there are women who are in between overly clingy emotional wrecks and cold hearted man eaters. I need that kind.

 

Those are the unicorns darling.

[KungFuJoe]

Agree with some points but not about the working part. I think that's a social construct not based in reality. Again though, I'm a hedonist. I don't think that some things are just "work", or "hard" and that's it. I don't agree with that.

 

As I said; yes, problems arise, but how serious they are and how they are handled can be done effortlessly, with the right person, in my opinion.

 

You could have two people who are truly in love, and somehow make a long distance relationship work with ease, then have a couple who live together and their relationship falls apart because one of them works too many hours and can't find time to nurture the relationship.

 

There is work in the sense that, not everything is going to come easy, but not work in the sense that you feel drained trying to keep the thing afloat. Like I said, relationships are not supposed to be up there with work and school or other situations that drain a person while providing very little joy.

 

People that believe relationships come with a significant deal of "work" are the ones who are miserable and don't realize they have the option to leave.

 

I agree with you. A good relationship doesn't have to be work. My current relationship with my wife is the easiest thing I've ever done. We didn't have to "work" on anything or make any changes. I mean, sure...we do things a little differently now than we did before but that comes with age and maturity (we have been together over 13 years since we were in our early 20s).

[KungFuJoe]

Those are the unicorns darling.

 

LOL...c'mon, I know you're joking.

 

Plenty of those women exist. Hell, most of the women I've encountered in my life were nice, down to earth, very normal women.

 

The only crazy chick I ever dated was my first gf and I learned quickly how to avoid that type. Other girls I was with didn't work simply due to personality conflicts.

[TheGuard13]

Agree with some points but not about the working part. I think that's a social construct not based in reality. Again though, I'm a hedonist. I don't think that some things are just "work", or "hard" and that's it. I don't agree with that.

 

Well, the bottom line is that they require a certain level of emotional effort. It doesn't neccessarily have to recognized as "hard", but the level of effort it requires does tend to fall under the definition of emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical "work".

 

Which is, I think, part of the reason that a lot of relationships fail. People tend to have really thin skin and they start to see what should be a normal, surmountable issue as a dealbreaker, or just too difficult to handle in a relationship. So they "quit", for lack of a better term.

 

As I said; yes, problems arise, but how serious they are and how they are handled can be done effortlessly, with the right person, in my opinion.

 

To a point. Relationships certainly aren't ALWAYS hard work. Though I think you probably say this because, as you've admitted, you haven't really been in a longterm relationship.

 

There is work in the sense that, not everything is going to come easy, but not work in the sense that you feel drained trying to keep the thing afloat.

 

And that's what people usually mean when they say work. The former.

 

Like I said, relationships are not supposed to be up there with work and school or other situations that drain a person while providing very little joy.

 

I think this is actually situational, too. I've never let work or school drain me, and am able to get joy from both. It depends on your makeup and personality. Like you said, everyone is different.

 

People that believe relationships come with a significant deal of "work" are the ones who are miserable and don't realize they have the option to leave.

 

It's more along the lines of that those are the people who recognize that relationships come with a certain amount of emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical effort to maintain them. Again, I think this is a case of you lacking perspective to some extent.

[xxoo]

I don't perceive my relationship to be work. It's one of my greatest joys.

 

It does, however, require effort and compromise. I'm in a relationship--a family--and it isn't all about me. It isn't all about any one individual. We all suck it up at times, for each other. That's what families do

 

By effort, I don't mean Herculean effort to make it work. I mean more along the lines of, on a weekend when I am exhausted from the workweek, I'll get up early and go on a day trip because that how he likes to wind down. The compromise is that he will pack everything for both of us (double the effort for him) so I just have to drag my butt out of bed, brush my teeth, and get in the car. He's already made my coffee We make that sort of effort for each other all the time. Daily.

[TaraMaiden]

Why Do People Stay In Lousy Relationships?

 

One fine day, remind me to tell you!!

[MrCastle]

And also, I'm speaking more of the people who are even past trying.

 

You know how when a relationship is about to end, you start resenting every little thing they do, and bickering and passive aggressive nature becomes the norm?

 

I'm talking about people in that stage that still stick together.

 

The kind of relationships where it surprises you when they're on good terms. You're like "Hey! Jenna uploaded a new picture of her and Bobby kissing! Whoa!"

 

Why do those people stick together?

 

They need to stop dangling off that cliff and just let go.

[foreverandalways]

And also, I'm speaking more of the people who are even past trying.

 

You know how when a relationship is about to end, you start resenting every little thing they do, and bickering and passive aggressive nature becomes the norm?

 

I'm talking about people in that stage that still stick together.

 

The kind of relationships where it surprises you when they're on good terms. You're like "Hey! Jenna uploaded a new picture of her and Bobby kissing! Whoa!"

 

Why do those people stick together?

 

They need to stop dangling off that cliff and just let go.

 

I hit the resentment phase after 6 years of marriage, but didn't leave until we almost hit 9 years. BUT I stayed for my kids. At the time I thought it was best for them, although looking back, I wish I did it sooner. It would have been easier for them.

 

But I know what you mean about people surprising you on facebook with their relationship. My sister did that with her husband. They almost split. I had private conversations with both of them trying to help. It seemed doomed. But then one day my sister started these posts about how amazing and wonderful her husband is, how she's so lucky to have found such a man, blah blah blah. It was all a front she was putting out...and still is. She's my sister, and although I think most of the time she's a horrid bi*ch, I still KNOW her. She's not happy, but for some strange reason, she feels that she needs to convince herself she is. And she puts on a parade for the world of facebook...as if everyone else really cares.

 

THOSE types of people are kidding themselves, and I usually hit the "hide" button on them immediately. I can tell what they're doing.

[carhill]

You know how when a relationship is about to end, you start resenting every little thing they do, and bickering and passive aggressive nature becomes the norm?

 

I'm talking about people in that stage that still stick together.

 

"Better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't"

 

 

I've heard this, or similar, many times over the decades.

[TheBigQuestion]

Some of the relationships that my friends are in are depressing. Like, sitting-in-a-dark-room-blasting-Joy-Division depressing.

 

The phenomenon you described of people being stuck with their high school significant others well into their 20s is one quite familiar to me, I'm sorry to say. A lot of these couples are simply complacent and addicted to the familiarity of their relationships. One of my very good friends in particular is in a passionless relationship (7 years running) with a girl who has no personality and who quite honestly looks like an elf. Generally, I've found that I really have a personal distaste for the women that my friends choose to date, but I would still be happy for them if I didn't see them go through multiple breakups and reconciliations with the same person, or if I didn't perceive major incompatibilities between them that almost always lead to the demise of their relationships.

 

My relationship with my girlfriend hasn't been without its issues. We've both committed some mild-to-moderate indiscretions. However, being with her is one of the easiest things I've ever done, even in the face of her multiple physical and psychological ailments. We 100% "get" each other on pretty much every level imaginable. We agree on important stuff, and even not the important stuff (I firmly believe that if she read my posts on LoveShack, she'd agree with just about everything I've said on here. If you're not into the shrill, easily offended vocal minority of buffoons here masquerading as "real women," that should be mighty reassuring to you:D). No, there isn't smoldering passion between us 24/7, but our relationship is a mutually comforting institution that destresses us rather than constantly creates new challenges for us. Despite being only 26, in many ways I've felt that my life has passed by in the blink of an eye. Being as convinced as I am of the brevity of life, why would I want to spend it with people who don't help to maximize my pleasure? I work enough already, and probably will for the next 40 years of my life. Focus on maximizing your enjoyment.

[Roadkill007]

It sucks. The women I speak of are beautiful, educated young women. They have the world at their fingertips. They could have anyone they want. They choose instead to stay with the same person they've been with since they were in high school, just because they have history. Some people just aren't meant to be together. I wish they saw that.

 

I think that often one partner invests more in a relationship than the other, and because s/he is more invested emotionally, s/he has more to lose emotionally by breaking up, so rather than facing the hurt straight on, they cling to hope that their partner will reciprocate their efforts... it's a truly sad thing to behold, seeing as the amount of investment between the partners widens even more over time usually.

[KungFuJoe]

This is like my best female friend. She's VERY attractive, still looks great, is a dancer, gets hit on relentlessly, etc, etc. She's with a horribly jealous (and almost cruel) guy who has 2 kids (and won't give her any, but I would say that's to HER benefit).

 

When she first started seeing him, he would come around all the time. But, on two occasions, he started a fight with her for whatever reason and just ditched her, leaving us to have to take her home. Now, he won't dare show his face cuz he's too embarrassed. A real piece of work he is and what sucks is that I've known the girl for 20 years and she is probably the nicest person I've ever met in my life. Seriously...this girl is TOO nice and could be with any guy she wanted...but she sticks with him.

 

And it's not cuz he's a "bad" boy, in case anyone is wondering. If anything, he's a major wuss...total passive aggressive, won't confront anyone...just runs off and leaves her stranded when they fight.

 

She lives with him currently and my wife has told her straight up she should leave him, but she says she can't.

[veggirl]

I think a lot of people stay in bad relationships because they don't know what a good relationship IS.

 

They think frequent fights etc are normal, they think its just a "bump in the road". They don't know any different.

 

Once you've been in a good relationship, you see the difference so clearly. My first real relationship, we fought all the time and over everything. I hated it but I thought "this is a relationship" and that all of them are like that (part of that is growing up with parents who argued all the time).

 

I think the relationship I'm in now is the FIRST good one I've had. I see the massive differences, this one is easy and not work and we don't have huge fights or "bumps in the road" every other week.

 

Now, I never would put up with or stay in a bad relationship. But I did before because I thought that's just how things are.

[tbf]

It's not unusual for people to focus on the negatives of their relationship or anything else, when realistically, the majority of the relationship or anything else is positive. These are the eternal pessimists. Soul suckers.

[youngnlove89]

Mr. Castle, I know this is upfront and probably very unnecessary, but Will You Marry Me?

[tuxedo cat]

Many reasons.

 

Feeling like this person has something or some combination of things that you value so desperately that you are certain you won the lottery by getting it once and that if you let go it will never happen for you again.

 

Holding out hope that you can change the course by submerging your true self and pressing reset an infinite number of times.

 

But this David Foster Wallace quote may sum it up best. It's about suicide but can be applied to many dark choices that people make in life: “When the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

 

I think you have to be wired a certain way to really understand this mentality. Some people are born with a sensitive temperament that predisposes them to pain and they never grow out of it. Others change. Still others have enough inner strength to never feel the heat of the flames. They can't relate because it's so illogical.

[Els]

I think you're right on many counts. Some Rs absolutely have run their course and people are staying in them much longer than they should be. Familiarity, fear of the unknown, and the various other reasons here may be part of the answer.

 

However, you should note that every, and I mean every long term relationship comes with a few problems eventually. Especially when you are transitioning out of honeymoon phase, or going through difficult circumstances such as finances, kids, distance, etc. Every single person who has been in a LTR will agree with this.

 

What separates the good relationships from the failed/bad ones isn't the fact that they have zero problems. It's that both partners have the compatibility and will to work through the problems. What makes or breaks a relationship isn't how high you fly, but rather how you pick up from the falls.

 

So, it could be possible that the stages you observe in your friends' Rs are just normal transitioning stages that they are trying to get through (and may or may not succeed). Of course, it also may be that their relationship has indeed become a constant drag on their life and all love has been lost, and they are clinging on to a dead dream. Unfortunately, unless they are very close to you and literally confide every detail of their R in you, you have no way of knowing which it is.

 

FWIW, my 5-year R went through a few tumultuous times a couple years back, due to a combination of the end of honeymoon phase, and several horrible external circumstances. People may wonder why we stayed and tried to work through it, as opposed to just throwing it away and getting a new one. But after several months, we managed to work through things and are much stronger for it. Every single day for the past 2 years, I am grateful for what we have, and grateful that we did not give up on it when times were tough. People who go around discarding Rs at the slightest sign of problems will be going through that cycle forever.

Edited April 16, 2013 by Elswyth

[iris219]

Getting in on this conversation late but some people stay because it's very, very hard to meet people you feel anything for. This is one reason why I stayed in a bad relationship. I knew how difficult it be would to meet a man I actually cared about. In fact, it took me 5 years to meet another man who I cared about.

 

Also, I felt like I had invested so much in the relationship that to give it up meant I lost this investment and came out with nothing to show for all the effort I put forth. I hated the idea of loss and failure.

[TheGuard13]

What separates the good relationships from the failed/bad ones isn't the fact that they have zero problems. It's that both partners have the compatibility and will to work through the problems. What makes or breaks a relationship isn't how high you fly, but rather how you pick up from the falls.

 

This. This. This.

[MrCastle]

Great, great responses so far guys. Thank you. Keep it coming

 

Mr. Castle, I know this is upfront and probably very unnecessary, but Will You Marry Me?

 

Of course.

[sweetkiwi]

Honestly I've had friends (and family) who stay with sh it men because they want/have kids. For me that's the number 1 reason to leave.

 

Evidence of cheating (constantly), being called names, having your job put down, and in some cases being emotionaly abused. Yet these couples are still together. It's like one day they decided to stop complaining to outside parties and portray a unified front. Yet the veneer is so thin.

 

I've been there. I know.

[pink_sugar]

A lot of time women are afraid to be alone or they are so used to being and functioning in a relationship for so long that they wouldn't know how to do without one. Often a big one is financial security or the partner...often female doesn't have skills that would allow her to move out and be independent. There's also the whole "doing it for the kids" thing.