18 months from D-Day

[NotHer]

We are marginal and some days I question if he is still talking to her. It was an emotional affair and I think it was all online. We have our ups and downs and I'm still angry. I do not believe I have the full story and I have no way to be certain he is not continuing to talk to her.

 

The issue I'm looking for guidance on is whether or not we should add to our family. We have decided not to get divorced for better or worse, and I do love him, though it is not the same and I do not trust him. I want another child and I would like them somewhat close together, and my WH has agreed we can try.

 

Part of me says since we are not divorcing what can be the harm, and the other part knows I'm bringing a child into at least a somewhat unstable marriage.

 

Has anyone else been through this? What did you decide? Did it work out in the end?

[Silveron]

"part knows I'm bringing a child into at least a somewhat unstable marriage"

 

That's the reason why you should NOT do this. What you need is security, a child will not be a replacement to the type of security you need from this man.

 

What you two need is counseling and transparency. If he is not an open book to you then there is a reason.

[NotHer]

He is as transparent as I can make him, but I know there are always ways around it if he wants to take the affair underground. We are in counseling, but I don't see the marriage being more than average because of what he did. Do I put the rest of my life on hold while I wait? I'm not getting any younger.

[loredo21]

a baby will not save or help an unhealthy marriage. it is completely unfair to a poor innocent child that they are brought into the world under selfish conditions. Things change, people change. Just because you always wanted another child close in age it doesn't mean it needs to happen. You need to get into MC or IC and figure out why these feelings are still coming up. Imagine not only having your insecurities over your H but also a crying, screaming, pooping child that demands all of your time and energy....You will go completely bonkers and so will your H. In turn making your M worse than it was before. Babies do not bring people together in that fairy tale magical way people think they do...They are hard work and you already seem to have enough work on your hands trying to make this marriage work. Not only that but imagine being 6 months pregnant and finding out your H is still seeing OW?! What do you do then? Stress yourself out so much that your pregnancy is at risk for it? Or ending up alone with 2 small children? Not a good idea. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this topic always fires me up. My exMOM and his W were trying less than 3 months out for another. I have no idea if they have succeeded. And don't really care anymore. But I know he didn't even want the 1st kid they had so if they do add another they are most definitely going to crash and burn...I would never add another child into the mess of my Reconciliation. It just isn't right...

[NotHer]

Why would you settle for being with a man who you don't trust has stopped the affair, who hasn't told you the whole truth?

 

And sorry to sound harsh, but to consider having a baby while you are in a marriage such as that and with a man like that, is not wise, and very unfair to a child.

 

You need to believe that you deserve better than what you've got, (the marriage and the man) and act accordingly. Dump his sorry arse if he isn't holding up his end, don't tie yourself further to a man you don't trust and don't have a baby with him, it's so unfair to a child. You deserve better and so do any future children.

 

I *settle* because I cannot prove he is continuing to cheat. My gut and the little voice in my head tell me he is still at it. I tell myself it is not so bad because it was *just* an online/emotional affair. I read some of their chats and they were very affectionate and intimate (not necessarily sexually per se). They told one another everything.

 

I have no way to know for sure he went and stayed NC. My gut tells me he did not. I check his phone and computer, I do what I can but we all know there are ways around anything I can check.

 

Is it so bad to have another child and live as roommates and friends? We are more than that, but I do not see how we could be fully recovered from this, not when I feel as though I do not have all the information.

[leonine]

I *settle* because I cannot prove he is continuing to cheat. My gut and the little voice in my head tell me he is still at it. I tell myself it is not so bad because it was *just* an online/emotional affair. I read some of their chats and they were very affectionate and intimate (not necessarily sexually per se). They told one another everything.

 

I have no way to know for sure he went and stayed NC. My gut tells me he did not. I check his phone and computer, I do what I can but we all know there are ways around anything I can check.

 

Is it so bad to have another child and live as roommates and friends? We are more than that, but I do not see how we could be fully recovered from this, not when I feel as though I do not have all the information.

 

That doesn't sound like a relationship that I would want to be in or for my children to use as a model. It could get better with time or it could get worse - that's true of all relationships. I would be reluctant to have a child though if my primary relationship wasn't what I wanted it to be.

 

What are your reasons for wanting a child? What are the downsides in your mind to waiting to see if you can further reconcile? As for reconciliation, is there anything he could do to make you believe that it was over? There may not be, but if there is something, have you asked for it and been denied?

[ComingInHot]

Have been able to pin-point When that little voice starts singing to you he's still cheating? Like a certain time of day, or night?

 

I think it's important to listen to your gut but sometimes the pain from learning of an A can interfere w/what is & what isn't.

 

Maybe start a journal? Jot down when that little voice goes off then include how you're feeling about it.

 

It could begin to show a pattern. Either for you or your H, then lead you to follow a trail to the truth about your H and/or you.

 

Just know that it is easy to second guess yourself these days. Listen to your gut but continue to search for the truth and facts and proof either way*

 

((Hugs))