disappointedwife2013 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I've been married to my Irish husband for almost 3 years now. He works 6am-2:30pm at Sydney Airport. He goes out to the pub every night!!! The pub is just across the road. He comes home at a decent hour (1030pm latest on weekdays, 11pm latest on weekends). As soon as I come home from work, he kisses me goodbye and off he goes. And then on Saturdays (when he's off from work), I would often ask him if he wants to go to the city or go for a drive, and he'd say no cos he's not in the humour or he's tired. Damn I work 5 days a week mate, and I'm tired too!!! Now lemme tell ya, we had a discussion about this for so many times in the past that he should limit his nightouts to just 2-3 times a night. He did, for like two weeks, then he went back to his old habit. OMG I don't know what to do with him anymore!!! I'm so close to calling his mum in Dublin!!! HEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
JD1977 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Why don't you try starting off with a bit at a time. Rather than telling him to stop going but a few times a week, why don't you pick 2 nights of the week to spend with you regardless of what you do. Those can be your "date nights"! It doesn't matter if you have take out at home or go out for some fun. He wi. Always know that those night are for the two of you. But if you tell him you need more time with him, and just start by ask for 2 nights a week, he should respond. Men typically don't like to feel like they are on a leash, but if he is committed to you, then he has a responsibility to put in effort for this relationship also! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I've been married to my Irish husband for almost 3 years now. He works 6am-2:30pm at Sydney Airport. He goes out to the pub every night!!! The pub is just across the road. He comes home at a decent hour (1030pm latest on weekdays, 11pm latest on weekends). As soon as I come home from work, he kisses me goodbye and off he goes. And then on Saturdays (when he's off from work), I would often ask him if he wants to go to the city or go for a drive, and he'd say no cos he's not in the humour or he's tired. Damn I work 5 days a week mate, and I'm tired too!!! Now lemme tell ya, we had a discussion about this for so many times in the past that he should limit his nightouts to just 2-3 times a night. He did, for like two weeks, then he went back to his old habit. OMG I don't know what to do with him anymore!!! I'm so close to calling his mum in Dublin!!! HEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're calling his mum? How old is he? Was his pub habit like this before you got married or did he just get in the habit after? I'm sorry - that must be really frustrating. So does he get drunk every day? Maybe you should actually talk to someone in an Al-Anon group. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 You ever join him at the pub? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 My proposed plan of action is to play hard to get, as though you were just dating still. Don't be available just whenever he happens to want you. Forget for a moment that he's put a ring on your finger. Start going out with girlfriends, volunteering, filling up your social life WITHOUT him. When he comes home from the pub, you may be out doing your own thing. Go driving in the country with a friend or family member. And dress up when you're at home. High heels and perfume. But he wants to spend time with you? Well he has to plan it. Don't actually say it as an ultimatum, simply have a lot of plans. Don't be available. And do not pursue him. These steps *should* reignite the pursuit circuitry. If he still doesn't want to spend time with you, then plan B is a serious inquiry about his interest level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disappointedwife2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Share Posted April 17, 2013 Hi JD1977 He had this habit even before we got married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disappointedwife2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Share Posted April 17, 2013 Hi All, Thanks for your responses. I can't join him in the pub because I look after our 2 yr old when I come home from work. Sure he's tired from work and he says he needs to unwind, but hey he spends little time with our son and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 Why didn't you and your husband work on this habit before you married him? He has to realize that he is a father and a husband now. It is not all about going to the pub every night anymore. Also, if he needs to spend hours at a bar every night that points to a problem with alcohol. Your husband is trying to live like he is single and that is very selfish. Please do not call his mother and get her involved; married couples have to work out their issues without calling parents. If you called his mother, you are disrespecting the privacy of your marriage. Have a serious discussion with your husband about his priorities. Let him know that you understand that he needs to unwind, however he also needs to be mindful of spending time with his family. Maybe you can agree that your husband can go to the pub on Friday nights and go out with his family on Sunday. This way, your husband is not completely giving up his alone time yet he is also being responsible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disappointedwife2013 Posted April 17, 2013 Author Share Posted April 17, 2013 Hi Nyla We were party-people before we got married. We had a discussion/agreement that we were going to change our ways. I did, but for some reason, he didn't. The reason he goes to the pub every night is to watch "football" (he is a Mancity fan), or other matches on tv. I will give my best to have another discussion about this with him and I do hope he listens. Most of the time he ignores what I say like I don't know what I'm talking about. Saturdays are supposed to be our family day but he would always say that he's tired or "not in the humour". Can you believe that? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 If he's not participating in the marriage - divorce him. He shows evidence of being an alcoholic... That's not something YOU can change FOR him. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverHopeful1 Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 Is he an alcoholic? No amount of talking about his responsibilities will change this. Only his undying need to fix his problem will. Unless and until HE knows his drinking is a problem and is affecting aspects of his life, he will not change them, no matter how much you sit and talk about it. Coming from a home where I lived with a father like this, no amount of begging, pleading, asking, helped at all. He had to clean up for himself, and then did the work he needed to with his family. My father didnt have a problem with alchohol. He had a problem with sobriety. It will be hard to change his ways now, as nothing ever mattered to you and you have never put your foot down. Why would he need to stop drinking and going out? You have accepted this behaviour for too long. I mean, you married him even though he was like this, so why would he NEED to change? You had his child even though he was like this, so why would he need to change? You teach people how to treat you and you have given him every reason to believe that no matter what you say, you will still give him everything he wants and play the game, and he never has to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 17, 2013 Share Posted April 17, 2013 Hi All, Thanks for your responses. I can't join him in the pub because I look after our 2 yr old when I come home from work. Sure he's tired from work and he says he needs to unwind, but hey he spends little time with our son and myself. Crap. As a father myself I just lost all respect for your husband. I am sorry. He has a son, and a wife that need to see him during the week. I understand a pub or guys night once or maybe twice a week, but this is too much. Your son is probably asleep by the time he gets home, plus - were is your break and chance to unwind? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author disappointedwife2013 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Share Posted April 18, 2013 Hi Dichotomy, Most of the time our son is asleep when he comes home. I'm actually going out with some friends this Saturday, this is the 1st time I've been since a year and a month ago. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2013 Share Posted April 19, 2013 Since most of your life is lived without him - why not divorce him? At least then you don't have to pretend you have a partner when he's actually absent... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2013 Share Posted April 19, 2013 Hi Dichotomy, Most of the time our son is asleep when he comes home. I'm actually going out with some friends this Saturday, this is the 1st time I've been since a year and a month ago. While a night out is certainly a relief - its not a solution to thereality of your problem...it's just avoiding what the real problem is - you don't have twopeople in the marriage. If he has a drinking problem - he needs serious help. But he won't seek help if nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disappointedwife2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Author Share Posted April 19, 2013 Hi All, The other night he told me he was staying in Friday night (yesterday, Australian time) and the rest of the weekend. Yet, when he finished work he went straight to the pub. Said he was coming home 8pm, I waited... 9pm came and a couple of minutes later he arrived. Our son was obviously asleep and i pretended to be asleep as well, until i did fall asleep. Now I'm up at 3am thinking about divorce as my course of action for this, but I am afraid of the consequences that will follow - the disappointments from my whole family as I come from a country and a family where divorce is not an option. Sigh... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts