Completely ruined...

[Phoe]

Over the course of a month, my life went from average, to pretty awesome, to nearly ruined.

 

My dating life has been difficult. I'm the nerdy loser chick. Guys don't like me. It's something I typically can accept, I've always just tried to get past it and be positive.

 

After 6 years alone I started dating a man. Things were going so well. We seemed to get along quite nicely. He was a shy nerdy guy and we seemed very well matched. Spent a lot of time together, having fun. After a month of dating he asks me to be his girlfriend. I happily accept.

 

Yay! We finally have our first kiss (yes, he waited that long to kiss me. we went quite slow). A few nights later we have sex. While having sex the string from my birth control implant snags on the condom and rips it. He puts another one on, again it snags and rips. Irritated, we figure it's a sign that it's just not our night and quit. No biggie.

 

About 3 days later something is seriously not right "down there" and I'm violently sick, flu like symptoms and massive swollen lymph nodes. I go to the doctor, he diagnoses me with herpes, and sends me to a lab to get tests done. Herpes...

 

WHAT THE F**K. what. the. f**k.

 

I immediately go to see my boyfriend, and tell him the news. He says there's no way it was from him, how he only had sex twice before me, always with a condom, only just had blood testing done a few months ago, blah blah... but agrees to go get tested anyway.

 

Over the next few days he's stunningly cold towards me. Barely speaks to me. I'm alone at home crying my eyes out sick and in pain and he's out at a party getting drunk.

 

Tonight he finally dumped me. Basically said how all of this is his fault, and all he wanted was a girlfriend so that his friends would stop giving him a hard time about being single, and that none of this was worth not being alone. Basically confirmed that he only was with me to have me as some kind of place holder, to fill some empty space by his side, just to please other people. I was completely replaceable, just some girl who was decent enough, so I guess I was a suitable girlfriend. I simply fit the bill. I was not special or actually wanted in any way...

 

So, now I'm left with the devestation. The loss of HIM isn't the hardest part.. obviously I did very much like him, but it was only a month, I will move past HIM. What hurts is being unwanted, being that easily replaceable space filler. I chose to trust him and to believe that he really did like me and think that I was a special person worthy of being adored. And what do I get for it? A lifelong sentence to a painful disease. I'm devastated.

 

I already had a horrifically difficult time getting dates as it was, now I have this disease on top of it? No man will want me now. I'm dirty, disgusting, damaged goods. No man will choose a life with the nerdy loser diseased girl when there's millions of better choices.

 

I am going to be alone for a very long time I think... I can't cope with this. Feel completely dead inside...

[Renard99]

First off I’ll start by saying, from your picture, you’re a stunningly beautiful woman and I’m not just saying that, I genuinely mean that. If I can spot that then I can guarantee that someone else has and will spot that. Also, don’t worry about the nerdy chick thing, I’m a ‘nerdy guy’ and I’m attracted to ‘nerdy chicks’. I feel your pain when you say you feel you’ll be alone for a long time. I had the exact same feelings, especially during university, being the nerdy ‘odd’ one out. However, I came to realise that it wasn’t ‘being the nerdy one’ that singled me out; I simply hadn’t met the right person yet. You’ll get there; you just need to keep your chin up. Like I say, seeing your picture and hearing that you’re a ‘nerdy chick’ makes me interested in you and I can’t be the only one out there! :-)

 

As for this guy…. Well…. He’s a douche bag. I know that doesn’t help make it feel any better, but take solace from the fact that you did nothing to deserve this. This is him being a deceptive idiot who was only looking out for his own needs. There are guys out there who will like you for who you are, regardless of your situation. If I truly felt a bond with a woman, something incredibly special, I would stay through the highs and lows just to be with this person. There are people out there who will do the same; you just need to meet one…. And you will :-)

[TaraMaiden]

A VG friend of mine has herpes, and she received this gift when a teenager, during her first foray into sex, at the age of 19.

 

She is now 38, married with two kids.

 

He husband is completely herpes-free.

 

Contrary to your understandable emotional state right now, it's actually not the end of the world.

Learn absolutely everything you possibly can about it - inform yourself to the limit on all and every aspect of this condition.

Recognise the symptoms of an onset, and use preventative measures to bring down to the lowest possible limit, the events of an attack.

Look at your diet, to see if that will help.

 

Join a support group. Talking to others who are having to live with the condition, will first of all help to dispel the taboo factor, and secondly demostrate to you that it may be something you will have for life - but it's not a 'life sentence'.

 

(I refuse to call it a 'disease' - it has dirty connotations, and you are certainly not that, in any sense of the word.)

 

Make the best of yourself - and others will want the best there is.

[Zahara]

Nerdy loser chick? With that face! Get outta here!

 

You're gorgeous my dear! Don't let anyone tell you different or bring you down. And you sound like a lovely person from your post.

 

It was unfortunate that you contracted herpes but it's not the end of the world. My girlfriend got it in the heydays of the 60s and since then, married, divorced, had several relationships and is now with a very loving man, about to be married in the fall.

 

You'd be surprised that there are people out there that will value you based on who you are rather than what you have. Not everyone is going to judge you. My gf once said that it actually helped her weed out the bad ones because the ones that love and care for the person that you are, are the ones that will stay. It wasn't your fault. It's a virus, like any other virus but it's just sexually transmitted.

 

Educate yourself about ways to prevent and suppress. Control your stress levels. Eat healthy. Your body will heal itself and the best way to do that is to build your immune system. Read up on nutrition. In some way, this actually is a kick in the butt for most in that it's a sign for a lifestyle change.

 

And as Tara said, find a support group. In some way, coming to accept that you have this is almost like going through the stages of grieving. You're going to face a multitude of emotions. Blame. Anger. Sadness. Despondency. Depression. And so on. But at some point you will start to slowly accept that you have herpes, that the sun will shine tomorrow, and that you'll still face a new day, with acceptance and no longer the struggle of carrying that weight on your shoulder. You will go through days and months without even thinking of it. Promise!

 

Chin up. Take care of yourself.

[youngnlove89]

You look in your mirror right now and say to yourself, "I am beautiful, I am strong and I don't need a**holes in my life."

 

People aren't going to not want you because you have herpes, it will be because you don't have confidence. You are sexy and you need to know that. Feel it. Be it.

 

That guy was a douche bag and one day when you look back on this, and you will ask yourself why the heck you wasted your time on him! At least I hope so. Reading that made me cringe. He is the one who will be single forever, and any girl who dates him I feel sorry for. On the other hand, any guy who dates you, will be lucky.

 

Don't let what you have going on interfere with your confidence, pride and strength. It's just a bump in the road. Nothing more. You will live, you will find love and you will be happy.

[replicator]

Just remember, what doesn't kill you is going to make you stronger. Yes, it sounds cliche but it's true.

 

This guy was obviously not the right person for you. Take care of your body, and hang in there. You will get through this.

[CC12]

I'm dirty, disgusting, damaged goods.

 

Hey. HEY. You stop that thinking right now. You are absolutely not damaged goods. Your diagnosis is not a death sentence. You may not believe this right now, but trust me when I say that you will be fine. You'll manage it.

 

Basically confirmed that he only was with me to have me as some kind of place holder, to fill some empty space by his side, just to please other people. I was completely replaceable, just some girl who was decent enough, so I guess I was a suitable girlfriend. I simply fit the bill. I was not special or actually wanted in any way...

 

Not that I want to defend the guy, because he a Class A Dickbag and he handled this in a really irresponsible manner, but I'm thinking that he did at one point actually like you and think you were special. He's probably mortified and instead of dealing with it like an adult, he said insensitive things to you and ran away. The shy nerdy types aren't exactly known for their social skills. This is not to make excuses for him, but to argue your belief that you weren't special or wanted.

 

I agree with the others who said you should research everything you can about HSV. Find personal stories of people who have experience with it (a few were in this thread) and you'll see that you can still lead a pretty normal sex/dating life.

[Brimstone]

I agree with what people have written here.

 

You are in no way "damaged goods". I wouldn't think of you any less if we were dating and you suddenly reveal that you have herpes. I also wouldn't like you any less. Everyone has a story. With good chapters, and bad.

 

Like CC12 said, it's not a death sentence. Just do research on how you can manage it and you will be fine. Just take a deep breath and say it. "It will be fine"!

 

And extend my congratulations to the guy that steals your heart and deserves to keep it. He's coming for you!

[Els]

Sorry to hear about the crappy guy, Phoe. I know folks who have dated and had sex with STDs. You'll be okay.

 

And honestly, I don't know what guys you're meeting, but lots of guys love nerdy girls. Honest. It's not a disadvantage with the right guy.

 

Chin up, get yourself through the normal stages of the breakup first, then you'll likely have a clearer head to reassess your position and future plans for your life. One nerdy girl to another, I honestly think you'll be fine. I also envy your hair.

[Phoe]

I just... I don't understand how I can literally end up with the perfect storm of crap.

 

It took me SIX F***ING YEARS to find a boyfriend, to find someone I legitimately liked and I coulda sworn he actually liked me too!

 

I don't get pursued. I don't get asked out. Sure I'm decent looking but I'm weird, I'm a geek, guys always pass me up to go for the normal girly girls.... 6 years of being single and things were finally looking up. He seemed to actually LIKE my nerdiness.

 

I've done a lot of research into this condition. I really have learned a lot. But I can learn everything I can until I'm dizzy in the head, that is NOT gonna make a bit of difference about what OTHERS know. I can't cram my brain full of good information in hopes that it will transfer to others. It doesn't matter if I'm NOT actually a disgusting and diseased person, because the people who believe herpes is disgusting, will believe that. I can't do a damn thing to change what others would think.

 

And of course it's easy to say "But those who would judge you on it aren't worth your time anyway" - but is that true? Is that REALLY true? Sure, if someone wanted to be a complete jerk to me about it then they wouldn't be worth it, but if someone were to find out, think on it, and decide that it's really just not something they are comfortable with, can I truly be in a position to say "Well they aren't supportive so screw them, they wouldn't be good for me", when in reality, if I DIDN'T now have this condition, they might make a great partner.

 

While researching about herpes, I also came across a lot of stuff along the lines of "Would you date a woman who has herpes?" and was very dismayed to see about 90% of men saying "HELL NO." and "RUN FOR THE HILLS" and "No I don't date sluts".

 

I used to be reasonably comfortable with the idea that it does take me longer to find men who are interested in me, and was accepting of the fact that I may have to work harder than most women in keeping a man interested, but now it feels like no matter HOW hard I work, there's nothing that'll cure the stigma of herpes. I can exercise, eat right, take care of my looks, read books, do interesting things, be a kind and generous person and it may not matter because Herpes will be an automatic NO for like 99% of men.

 

I know I'm being a bitter whiny negative b*tch right now. I know there are people who have it worse than me. I just did not need this to happen to me. I've spent all week crying my eyes out. I'm tired of it. I want all the negativity gone...

 

I do appreciate the responses to this thread though, I did read through and think on all of them.

[Phoe]

Maybe this anger is a good thing... it's a stage of coping right?

 

I just want to move on.

 

By the way Elswyth, this guy wanted me to cut my hair and dye it lighter! I almost considered it... thank god I didn't. This is natural virgin hair, I'll never let another man tell me I should DYE it!!

[Comfortably Numb]

Judging solely by your avatar picture, you are quite good looking. I find nerdy chicks very attractive! I am quite weird in a good way I think as well. I am saddened though to see that a guy would be so inconsiderate of you as to do this. Thought about legal action?

[iris219]

Oh, Phoe, I am so sorry to hear this. This is honestly one of the most painful threads I've ever read on LS, maybe because you remind me of a younger version of myself.

 

This is proof that bad things happen to good people, people who are smart and careful. From your posts, I know how long you waited to have sex and then this happens to you? WTF. I'm angry, so yeah, allow yourself to angry. It's totally normal to be angry.

 

I hate this for you, but it will get better. The social stigma is worse than the physical symptoms. I have a good friend from high school who got it from her now ex husband and she only had the initial outbreak (it's been 8 years). She is happily remarried. Apparently, for those who do get outbreaks, they decrease over time and with a healthy immune system, you will probably rarely have symptoms.

 

Yes, it will be a dealbreaker for some men, but many others will be accept it because they care about you. Herpes is not some debilitating disorder and you are not alone. I believe nearly 1 in 4 women have it and many, many people have it and don't know it. I wish more people understood that. It will be your job to educate your partners about the reality of herpes.

[Phoe]

comfortably numb - no, I would never take legal action against him. I sense he's hurt enough knowing he gave this to me. And I do trust that it was unintentional. I just wish his behavior AFTERWARDS would have been different.

 

iris - the stigma definitely is the hardest part, although I won't lie, my first outbreak was I think a bit more difficult than average, I was in a lot of pain. My immune system is kinda lousy so my body freaked out once the virus hit me. The antivirals have been giving me nightmares every night as well.

 

But... stigma. I really want to fight it. Am I gonna go around in my daily life telling people I have it? NO. But I'm being open about it here, which is a little hard knowing that people will judge me anyway, but maybe if I'm open about it and help people learn more about the disease, it'll stop them from automatically passing up a genuinely good person who tells them they have it. I joined up a Herpes specific forum and have read so many threads by nice people who always get the "you know you're a great person, but I'm just not comfortable with this" rejection.

 

 

I'm afraid of it. I really am...

[Comfortably Numb]

Well just reading up on your previous posts, he didn't seem like the best quality of character just using you to say hey, i've got a girlfriend stop making fun of me. Kind of a wimp! I am really sorry though that you have to live with this! But you can't beat yourself up! It was not your fault, at least you know you have it though. You won't unsuspectingly give it to someone else like he did to you. I know it'll make things hard, but eventually you will find someone who will overlook that and wan't to be with you for you. We all have obstacles to face, I wish you the best of luck and there are plenty of people to support you here and to help you on your journey! I know, that if I really liked you and cared about you, there would be nothing that could get in my way to be with you. You are NOT damaged goods! Maybe that's my old world thinking and romanticism speaking.

 

My favorite Poet!

Always

 

I am not jealous

of what came before me.

 

Come with a man

on your shoulders,

come with a hundred men in your hair,

come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,

come like a river

full of drowned men

which flows down to the wild sea,

to the eternal surf, to Time!

 

Bring them all

to where I am waiting for you;

we shall always be alone,

we shall always be you and I

alone on earth,

to start our life!

Pablo Neruda

[Els]

I just... I don't understand how I can literally end up with the perfect storm of crap.

 

It took me SIX F***ING YEARS to find a boyfriend, to find someone I legitimately liked and I coulda sworn he actually liked me too!

 

I don't get pursued. I don't get asked out. Sure I'm decent looking but I'm weird, I'm a geek, guys always pass me up to go for the normal girly girls.... 6 years of being single and things were finally looking up. He seemed to actually LIKE my nerdiness.

 

Did the guys in your geek circle not make any fumbling attempts at trying to get you to go out with them, Phoe?

[ThatJustHappened]

Phoe, my best friend has herpes too. She went through the same devastation you're going through now..it lasted for about 2 weeks and then she decided that she would be ok. I helped her do a bunch of research on it and apparently the first outbreak is the worst. She was diagnosed 3 years ago and she's only had a handful of outbreaks (myself and her boyfriend are the only people she talks to about it). They're a pain but she says it's not a life sentence either..and she has a very understanding boyfriend who also has it. Believe it or not, they met at a herpes support group! Any man worth his salt will be understanding and kind about it.

 

Also, I have to agree with the above posters. If that picture is you, you're gorgeous! And if you're nerdy, even better! You can be the cool benevolent smart chick who asks out the shy guys who are too intimidated by your beauty to talk to you. How exciting for you! Not gonna lie..I'm a little jealous.

[Phoe]

So, I know this is a bit of an old thread, but is wanted to sort of update it for the sake of anyone who might come here and read it.

 

My doctor is now under the impression that he misdiagnosed me. I have now had 3 tests done, the 3rd of which just came back, 8 months since this began. All 3 of them came back negative.

 

 

It would appear that I simply had a nasty flu at the same time that I happened to get a rash down there ( doc figures it was an allergic reaction or irritation towards some product ) all within a week of the condom mishap with my then boyfriend.

 

 

What are the chances? I am having a hard time believing my tests results. But then again, what are the chances of 3 negative tests. I've also been tested for every other std under the sun, all negative.

 

 

I spent the last 8 months coping with having herpes, and am now being told I actually don't have it. It's boggling really, trying to change my mindset and believe that I don't have it, when every fiber of my being tells me I do.

 

 

What are the chances that I had the perfect combination of symptoms, all from unrelated and benign sources? Seems so far fetched.

 

 

And I don't know how to deal with this anxiety in future dating. Do I bring it up? Do I mention that by all medical standards I don't have it, but I THINK I have it? I'm fearful of trying to function in life and in a relationship thinking I don't have it just to accidentally give it someone and realize all those negative tests are wrong. I don't want to unknowingly deceive anyone.

 

 

I have told one person so far. My ex emotional affair partner. He was very warm in his reception, told me a little skin condition would never change how he feels towards me, that we would just take precautions to minimize the risk and that he didn't mind the risk considering he hoped he'd be with me forever anyway. Things didn't work for us and never progressed to that level, but it was reassuring to go through the herpes talk and not get violently rejected.

 

 

Now I don't know how to proceed in the future. The tests say I'm clean, but my gut says I'm not.

[AnyaNova]

So, I know this is a bit of an old thread, but is wanted to sort of update it for the sake of anyone who might come here and read it.

 

My doctor is now under the impression that he misdiagnosed me. I have now had 3 tests done, the 3rd of which just came back, 8 months since this began. All 3 of them came back negative.

 

 

It would appear that I simply had a nasty flu at the same time that I happened to get a rash down there ( doc figures it was an allergic reaction or irritation towards some product ) all within a week of the condom mishap with my then boyfriend.

 

 

What are the chances? I am having a hard time believing my tests results. But then again, what are the chances of 3 negative tests. I've also been tested for every other std under the sun, all negative.

 

 

I spent the last 8 months coping with having herpes, and am now being told I actually don't have it. It's boggling really, trying to change my mindset and believe that I don't have it, when every fiber of my being tells me I do.

 

 

What are the chances that I had the perfect combination of symptoms, all from unrelated and benign sources? Seems so far fetched.

 

 

And I don't know how to deal with this anxiety in future dating. Do I bring it up? Do I mention that by all medical standards I don't have it, but I THINK I have it? I'm fearful of trying to function in life and in a relationship thinking I don't have it just to accidentally give it someone and realize all those negative tests are wrong. I don't want to unknowingly deceive anyone.

 

 

I have told one person so far. My ex emotional affair partner. He was very warm in his reception, told me a little skin condition would never change how he feels towards me, that we would just take precautions to minimize the risk and that he didn't mind the risk considering he hoped he'd be with me forever anyway. Things didn't work for us and never progressed to that level, but it was reassuring to go through the herpes talk and not get violently rejected.

 

 

Now I don't know how to proceed in the future. The tests say I'm clean, but my gut says I'm not.

 

I am very glad to hear it!

 

And I am a bit embarrassed to admit, having not read this thread before, that just from your pic I assumed you were a normal girly girl.

 

I run across so few other nerd girls/women in my own life it is nice to meet another one besides myself.

 

I don't know which questions to begin with...like, favorite Doctor and Tardis design, or favorite Sci-Fi author (have to say true sci-fi--Greg Bear, and for space fantasy--Orson Scott Card) or favorite fantasy series, favorite movies etc..music...Poe or Lovecraft...you get the idea. :-)

 

Anyway. Nice to meet a fellow nerd woman!

[Phoe]

I'm afraid to be excited or relieved about the negative tests. I don't want the rug pulled out from under me...

 

Hehe, yeah I'm quite the nerd, have a number of threads devoted to nerd culture around here ^_^

 

 

And ALL SORTS OF FEEEEELS with doctor who lately. Haha. Matt smith is so precious.... *sigh* I don't wanna say goodbye

[Grumpybutfun]

Phoe:

After three negative tests, you are just going to have to believe it. My idiot brother is a doctor and trust me, they are just human beings and are extremely fallible. I had him believing Satan lived in our basement until age 12. I still have no idea how he made it through medical school. Just accept that the universe is giving you another chance to start all over with good health and be grateful. This is not the first misdiagnosis I have heard of with regards to herpes, and I am sure it won't be the last.

 

I usually get three opinions on everything because the statistics for human error is too high to ignore. Due to an old football injury, I was told I would never have even half use of my left shoulder again by two separate specialists. I went in for another opinion by someone highly recommended and had shoulder surgery and I have 90% mobility now. I am glad I didn't just assume doctors are always right.

 

Plus, I wouldn't let my brother diagnose a chia pet.

 

Enjoy your health, you are a good girl,

Grumps

[Insanityisdoingsame]

I am really sorry to read about your situation Phoe. Seriously though NO ONE can have herpes and not know about it. This guy never told you?!? It sounds like your a nice girl and want to forgive. But like i said how can you have the virus and mot know? On top of that how can this Dbag have sex with you and not tell you?!?

 

You deserve better than this scum. And even though you forgive him or feel sorry for him(why? Idk honestly) , you should take him to court for maliciously giving you a virus ?

[Insanityisdoingsame]

Did not read the second page now i feel dumb. Congrats on the misdiagnose!

[CC12]

Why did your doctor test you for the same thing three times? If the tests were all coming back negative, why did he keep trying it? Were you showing symptoms? Was he just unwilling to accept that he made a mistake? I don't really get it.

 

In any case, for eight months, your doctor let you believe that you have an incurable virus. I think you should look into why that happened, and get a new doctor if necessary.

[Els]

So, I know this is a bit of an old thread, but is wanted to sort of update it for the sake of anyone who might come here and read it.

 

My doctor is now under the impression that he misdiagnosed me. I have now had 3 tests done, the 3rd of which just came back, 8 months since this began. All 3 of them came back negative.

 

 

It would appear that I simply had a nasty flu at the same time that I happened to get a rash down there ( doc figures it was an allergic reaction or irritation towards some product ) all within a week of the condom mishap with my then boyfriend.

 

If 3/3 tests are negative, it's pretty safe to say he misdiagnosed you.

 

The real question is, why did he give you a definitive diagnosis without running a test on you first!?!?

 

That aside, really glad for you that you don't have herpes.