I didn't email

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

the times when we were NC (not on purpose).... I would tell myself "don't worry about someone who doesn't worry about you." his silence was saying so much. And then that would just make me angry and not want to text. Good luck. I admire your strength.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Don't. Every time you feel the urge... drop to the floor and do 25 sit ups....or 20 push ups. Anything. That stuff becomes obsessive...it's better not to know. I know how hard it is....believe me. There are 10 different ways I can check up on my xOM....it hurts so I'd rather not know.

 

I agree with this 100%. It took me awhile to get there, but then a light bulb went on. First of all, FB is not real. It is narcissistic - there are a couple of studies that show that fb can cause depression because you look at what someone posts and think their life is wonderful and yours is not. People put up what they want you to see and believe you me if they think you are looking (especially her) it will be photo ops and happy, happy, happy. Think about it - he just got out of an affair - it isn't rosey over there even if they are reconciling.

 

I got rid of fb a long time ago. It was doing me no good. What good does it do to know what he is up to? It doesn't change the current state of affairs (no pun intended), it just serves to make you miserable.

 

So as hard as it may be DO NOT LOOK! Protect yourself - that is what should be your top priority right now.

 

Also two things that helped me:

 

1) every time you want to contact him go for a walk, do something physical - it will be beneficial to you and make you feel better

 

2) clean something out - a closet, drawer, etc and throw something away - for some reason this helped me "make space" for something new in my life.

 

Music is hard - I used to have such a hard time with the music we shared - even now it's hard but at least I don't curl up in a ball anymore. It's usually a melancholy smile and then I move on.

 

It will get better - i promise - but it takes time.

Edited April 20, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Goodbye]

I agree with this 100%. It took me awhile to get there, but then a light bulb went on. First of all, FB is not real. It is narcissistic - there are a couple of studies that show that fb can cause depression because you look at what someone posts and think their life is wonderful and yours is not. People put up what they want you to see and believe you me if they think you are looking (especially her) it will be photo ops and happy, happy, happy. Think about it - he just got out of an affair - it isn't rosey over there even if they are reconciling.

 

I got rid of fb a long time ago. It was doing me no good. What good does it do to know what he is up to? It doesn't change the current state of affairs (no pun intended), it just serves to make you miserable.

 

So as hard as it may be DO NOT LOOK! Protect yourself - that is what should be your top priority right now.

 

Also two things that helped me:

 

1) every time you want to contact him go for a walk, do something physical - it will be beneficial to you and make you feel better

 

2) clean something out - a closet, drawer, etc and throw something away - for some reason this helped me "make space" for something new in my life.

 

Music is hard - I used to have such a hard time with the music we shared - even now it's hard but at least I don't curl up in a ball anymore. It's usually a melancholy smile and then I move on.

 

It will get better - i promise - but it takes time.

 

 

Thanks for this. Sadly, I was able to finally sleep last night after i saw he'd "liked" the inn where we would stay on his FB. FB is hell. I will try and get over that. You have good advice.

[forgetmenot75]

"don't worry about someone who doesn't worry about you."

 

But what if he worries and he's waiting for you to call him? Sometimes men are also hurting and cope in same ways as us. I don't know. What if he wants to contact you but he thinks you're angry, r you just move on, and then he thinks it's useless?

[Goodbye]

"don't worry about someone who doesn't worry about you."

 

But what if he worries and he's waiting for you to call him? Sometimes men are also hurting and cope in same ways as us. I don't know. What if he wants to contact you but he thinks you're angry, r you just move on, and then he thinks it's useless?

 

I don't have an answer to this. In my case, I think my exMM knows I'll talk to him if he contacts me. Since he requested the "space," I must not initiate the contact. None of it is easy. None of it makes sense.

[Goodbye]

Well, today makes one week. Thought maybe he'd email me to wish me luck in my big court date today, but no. I'm still all over the place with this. I feel crappy and old.

[WakingUp]

Well Goodbye Im wishing you luck.

 

Don't stress. I think you are a great girl and one day all the good things will come your way.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

"don't worry about someone who doesn't worry about you."

 

But what if he worries and he's waiting for you to call him? Sometimes men are also hurting and cope in same ways as us. I don't know. What if he wants to contact you but he thinks you're angry, r you just move on, and then he thinks it's useless?

 

This is probably not the case for ALL men, but in general, men are hunters by nature. If a man wants something, he will go after it. Women are not supposed to be the chasers or aggressors - it's unnatural and although men might be amused for a little while by a woman who is pursuing him, after awhile it gets old and she becomes a pest.

 

He might be thinking that and waiting for you to call him, but you know what? That means he's a coward. If it is to be, let him come to you.

[Owl]

Suggestion...and I don't mean this in any way as an attack.

 

Change your focus. You're counting the days. Stop. Start filling each NEW day with something new.

 

Take up a new hobby. Resume an old one that you'd stopped. Start working out. Martial arts is great for wearing you out mind and body.

 

You'll find the time passes much better when it's filled with something else.

[Goodbye]

Suggestion...and I don't mean this in any way as an attack.

 

Change your focus. You're counting the days. Stop. Start filling each NEW day with something new.

 

Take up a new hobby. Resume an old one that you'd stopped. Start working out. Martial arts is great for wearing you out mind and body.

 

You'll find the time passes much better when it's filled with something else.

 

 

Yes Owl, as I've indicated, I realize my coping strategy, for now, is not a good one long term. However, the grief is still new, and I'm working through it. Of course I realize that wallowing in self pity and counting days is not the most productive way to move on in life.

[Owl]

Yes Owl, as I've indicated, I realize my coping strategy, for now, is not a good one long term. However, the grief is still new, and I'm working through it. Of course I realize that wallowing in self pity and counting days is not the most productive way to move on in life.

 

Fair enough.

 

Then change what you're doing.

 

I'm all about advocating people to CHANGE what's not working for them.

 

See my signature. "Do, or do not. There is no try."

 

You know you're doing this the wrong way, making it more difficult for yourself.

 

Then change what you're doing. Not easy, perhaps...but certainly not complicated.

[Goodbye]

Fair enough.

 

Then change what you're doing.

 

I'm all about advocating people to CHANGE what's not working for them.

 

See my signature. "Do, or do not. There is no try."

 

You know you're doing this the wrong way, making it more difficult for yourself.

 

Then change what you're doing. Not easy, perhaps...but certainly not complicated.

 

Not sure why you are arguing with me about this on a thread I started for the purpose of staying NC, but ok. Grief comes in stages, so does action. I will act when I'm ready. Now...if my course of inaction is terribly bothersome to you, as your signature suggests, perhaps you should be active and stop reading this thread?

[Owl]

Not sure why you are arguing with me about this on a thread I started for the purpose of staying NC, but ok. Grief comes in stages, so does action. I will act when I'm ready. Now...if my course of inaction is terribly bothersome to you, as your signature suggests, perhaps you should be active and stop reading this thread?

 

I'm not arguing with you.

 

I've offered advice.

 

Nothing more.

 

Clearly you've found my advice in some way offensive, and so I'll trouble your threads no more.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Goodbye,

 

I think Owl was only trying to help and make some suggestions that would help you to restructure your time and clear your mind. I know very well what you are going through. It is a horrible time and unfortunately it takes time - something you have to walk through, not walk around. You must walk through it.

 

I have a friend that I love dearly, but she makes excuses constantly as to why she can't do something. She can't change her thoughts or her mind and reactions because God made her that way or that's the way she was raised. So she is miserable all of the time. She is super-critical of everything, spends all kinds of time trying to put of some facade pretending everything is okay when her life is a mess. The thing is everyone knows it. I maintain that she DOES have control over her mind. She chooses what she does with the thought when it comes into her mind. She can CHOOSE to think differently.

 

I don't say that to say you are like my friend - I have no idea. I am just saying that doing little things will help you. It's kind of like a habit - you need to replace it with something else or something new.

 

Hang in there - you will be stronger for it. I guarantee it!

[Goodbye]

Well, another day of NC down. I'm trying to think if it is becoming easier. I guess I'm not having sobbing bouts as much, so that is good. I'm envious of those of you who have found indifference. I do still wonder what is going on in his life. I spend too much time doing this. I will try and replace this time with other things as I get more strength.

[Decorative]

You know that phrase? Fake it until you make it?

 

Well, there's a lot of truth in it. When everything went down- and I found out about the affair- after I took action and protected myself and my kids- I just sort of wanted to collapse. And cry. It was hard to function. I lost almost 40 pounds from stress.

 

But my mama? Made me get up. Made me shower. Made me exercise and attempt to eat. She made me write ( a hobby). She found projects for me to do ( I love to refinish furniture). She made me have lunch with friends and made me promise to talk about other things. She played my music way too loud. Because she knew that's who I am.

 

And she made me act "as if". As if my life was okay and was going to be normal.

 

And pretty soon? All those those acting normal things ?

 

 

Made me feel normal. And stronger.

 

But not much would have changed if I had given into my initial instinct of curling up in a ball and weeping.