TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Ive seen it so many times on here its laughable so ive named it the NC game. You fall out, split up and initiate NC ... Both of you await on the other contacting until finally (usually the MM) breaks NC and then you start spewing out how much you missed them and how horrible it was etc etc Then you do it again And again So when do you know for sure that the "game" is over and NC is for real, no going back ? What makes it different (in my case the A was found out which made NC a little easier to deal with) I had numerous NCs they were horrible at most lasted a week before we succumbed and got in contact again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 So when do you know for sure that the "game" is over and NC is for real, no going back ? What makes it different (in my case the A was found out which made NC a little easier to deal with) Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 Why quote what I have stated ? I am asking other users the same question which in return I have for myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 The off and on NC is part of the game. This creates an even greater attraction and also affirms the concept we must be the real deal, we are right for each other, this must be a mandate from God, etc. That is why affairs are like an addiction. Lol Pierre I agree except from the "mandate from god" i never once thought we were "soul mates" and all crap. I must admit though it does create a greater attraction 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Why quote what I have stated ? I am asking other users the same question which in return I have for myself I'm sorry OW, I actually replied to your post;Here's my reply again. It was over for me when I let the MM know that I knew what he was attempting to do with my friends. I was finished and looking back, it was a relief, to have the A ,behind me. Sure NC is challenging, because almost six years of text, calls and meeting up, we'd established habits. Apparently, he'd moved on and hadn't informed me. I'd also like to point out, that NC, helped me, to allow, someone single into my life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 I'm sorry OW, I actually replied to your post;Here's my reply again. It was over for me when I let the MM know that I knew what he was attempting to do with my friends. I was finished and looking back, it was a relief, to have the A ,behind me. Sure NC is challenging, because almost six years of text, calls and meeting up, we'd established habits. Apparently, he'd moved on and hadn't informed me. I'd also like to point out, that NC, helped me, to allow, someone single into my life. I apologise for my sarcy comment Skywriter I thought you were being nasty when you were not. We are also NC for good now (well as much as we can be as we live only a few streets away from each other) I honesty do not think we would have ended unless we were caught ... which we were. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 It's alright OW. Bless your heart, you do have quite a challenge living so close to one another. Maybe having this A behind you, will open up opportunities, for much better things to occur in your life. I certainly hope it will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Here's an interesting read for you about why NC doesn't work: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201004/lets-talk-again-month-now I read the article, yet I dont quite get it...What good does contact do if there is no way to continue the affair?? While we all agree its tortuous, its even more tortuous if mere contact is just a means to an eventual end. I do agree with this part of the article. "One of the partners may want to end the affair completely and renew the marriage, but doesn't want to hurt the lost love (whom they do truly love). So they take a cowardly way out and say it is no contact "just for a while." This deceit is very hurtful: the person must ultimately discover that they have been jilted - and lied to! The person has simply disappeared on them, and they are shocked." I see many OW report on here that the xMM is a coward or is mean sprirted or never really loved them because they vanished into NC. It might not be the case, but it just might be the only way you can go... TFOY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Here's an interesting read for you about why NC doesn't work: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201004/lets-talk-again-month-now That is one of the most interesting articles I have ever read. Wonder if the king of no contact websites has seen this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 sometimes you read on here where one or both people in an affair say they don't want to end it, but they have to because of some sort of external factor...almost as if it is somehow beyond their control... wouldn't it be better, and easier for both to accept no contact and the end of the relationship if the person ending it owned their decision? "I am ending things because I want to"? Maybe it seems less hurtful to frame the reason as somehow beyond that person's control, but, in the end, all that does is leaves the other party hanging on... I saw that once in a friend ( not an affair relationship mind you) who had broken up with her boyfriend. She had been through breakups before without it being too hard, but this guy, rather than own his choice, kind of "led her on" with the reason that he still loved her, didn't want to end things but had to because he was going back to school. I think he meant to soften the blow, but it had the opposite effect...part of her kept holding on to the idea that he'd come back to her when he was done school...it took her so long to get over that relationship, which really hadn't been that deep, from what she told me at the time... Yes Frozen your ending something neither of you want to end and that is hard. The above article was a good read and explains it alot better than I. Hope you are well Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 I do think that "no contact" should be prefaced by some sort of final goodbye and explaination...not just disappearing without reason- that is cruel, and would make it really hard to move on Yes and this is why I think its a game of sorts and why many break NC so many times. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Here's an interesting read for you about why NC doesn't work: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201004/lets-talk-again-month-now The premise behind the article is "off". It depends on what the INTENTION of using NC is for as to whether or not it's a useful tool. If the intention is to "go NC and see what happens"...yep, that's nothing more than a recipe for misery. If the INTENTION is to end the affair relationship...while it may take multiple attempts...NC is usually the ONLY route to reach that goal. If the INTENTION is to somehow improve the affair relationship...NC is the last thing that should be considered. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 *looks at watch* hmmm about 9 months now....yep I'm pretty sure NC is working and for good... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Ive seen it so many times on here its laughable so ive named it the NC game. You fall out, split up and initiate NC ... Both of you await on the other contacting until finally (usually the MM) breaks NC and then you start spewing out how much you missed them and how horrible it was etc etc Then you do it again And again So when do you know for sure that the "game" is over and NC is for real, no going back ? What makes it different (in my case the A was found out which made NC a little easier to deal with) I had numerous NCs they were horrible at most lasted a week before we succumbed and got in contact again. It's not a game unless you're falling for it..so the game is over when you stop playing. Why is it up to him to stop contacting you..why is he in charge? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 It's not a game unless you're falling for it..so the game is over when you stop playing. Why is it up to him to stop contacting you..why is he in charge? Never said he was, it was usually me who initiated NC but it was always him who broke it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Never said he was, it was usually me who initiated NC but it was always him who broke it. Right, that's exactly my point. If you keep responding, you're playing too. Why not just stay in NC and ignore him or block him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 Right, that's exactly my point. If you keep responding, you're playing too. Why not just stay in NC and ignore him or block him? Thats what this thread is all about because it is a game of cat and mouse with NC more so when you break things off when neither of you are ready to, its like a power struggle between both A partners deep inside you know its not over but play the NC game anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 The No Contact "game"??? How about you playing with a married man? Isn't that a game? And then expecting him to come back and want to be with you. You are just a prize. A toy. An indulgence. Sorry, you will probably hate me for saying that, but WHY? Why mess with a married man? My dad had an affair with a married woman and cheated on my mom and I also felt like I was cheated on too. It hurt, it caused pain. It was so selfish and I just didn't understand it. What made you attracted to a married man? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 The No Contact "game"??? How about you playing with a married man? Isn't that a game? And then expecting him to come back and want to be with you. You are just a prize. A toy. An indulgence. Sorry, you will probably hate me for saying that, but WHY? Why mess with a married man? My dad had an affair with a married woman and cheated on my mom and I also felt like I was cheated on too. It hurt, it caused pain. It was so selfish and I just didn't understand it. What made you attracted to a married man? Its best you read up on peoples stories first before you comment and judge ... it helps Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Its best you read up on peoples stories first before you comment and judge ... it helps I would love too, but I don't have the time right now. I'm not trying to judge, just trying to understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 That article doesn't describe true No Contact. Its more like "lets see if we still like each other in a month." The anticipation and waiting for the month to be over would be overwhelming. True No Contact is- do not contact me unless we are both single and you'd like to see if we can have a relationship. What happens then is you can't break it if it doesn't abide by the above rule. And then months out the hurt might still be there but it's manageable. Its waves- you find you can live. Compare that to an all new Divorce Explosion and to most married people the waves are manageable. Now the BS to the married person is a different story bc he/she has been betrayed and has a right to be pissed off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Hi TOW, how are you doing now? Is she leaving you in pease? ww x Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOW Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 That article doesn't describe true No Contact. Its more like "lets see if we still like each other in a month." The anticipation and waiting for the month to be over would be overwhelming. True No Contact is- do not contact me unless we are both single and you'd like to see if we can have a relationship. What happens then is you can't break it if it doesn't abide by the above rule. And then months out the hurt might still be there but it's manageable. Its waves- you find you can live. Compare that to an all new Divorce Explosion and to most married people the waves are manageable. Now the BS to the married person is a different story bc he/she has been betrayed and has a right to be pissed off. Yes but this is the vicious cycle that usually happens before "true NC" Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 "He always wanted to sort out his marriage and I believe that is why we became involved in the first place for both of us. Tbh that's why I want him for the sex, comfort and emotional support. We want each other without being "together" in real life, we both agree it would be unlikely to work to many factors to consider. Age, families, kids, monies etc etc we are comfortable with what we have." Then their really is no game, is there? You are just there when he needs you and vice versa. And don't think he will need you all the time. You will go through periods of "No Contact" only because he doesn't need you right now. But when he is lonely, horny, and fragile....ah, there you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 Yes but this is the vicious cycle that usually happens before "true NC" To a degree I can agree with some of the viewpoints brought up here. I don't think that NC is effective as long as the person who's "attempting" it truly isn't ready to end the relationship. Hence, my signature. NC is the ONLY WAY to end the relationship for the vast majority of people...once they truly decide that they want out. But if they're not sure...then I would agree that its more like watching a tennis match with the back and forth until one person or the other finally does reach that break point and ends it NC, cold turkey. It doesn't require both parties to agree that it's over...it just takes one to INSIST that it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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