losing attraction to my wife

[311]

As you might guess this is complicated. I dated my wife for 4 years and we have been married for over 1 year. To be perfectly honest I may have gotten married out of neccesity. When my wife and I met I was still devastated by a previous seperation/breakup. So, I was trying to make the pain go away and she helped. But she also is the coolest woman that I know. I love her personality and the way she treats people and the way she treats me. She is beautiful, not as beautiful as my ex. Here's the other thing: she is extremely successful in her work. I find that attractive as well. I have guilt though because I think I might have gotten married to have a more comfortable life (although I work as well). We were able to move to a really nice area. I also think I may have done it because I was still on the rebound. All this aside I only have a few complaints about her but I really am losing my attraction to her. I think one of the problems is, as I hate to say this because I hate hearing people say this but, I love her but Im not in love with her. I dont think Ive ever been in love with her. I think of her as part of my family and I would do anything for her. I care about her well being greatly. But I think the sexual attraction is fading because of this. Also that while she is a clean person, I have a very sensitive nose and I am ultra clean. So, on occasion I catch a whiff of her ass in doggystyle and its a huge turn off. Yes, Ive mentioned this to her at great offense. I just cant stand it when that happens. Ive done all the other things like washed her myself. She just doesnt quite care as much as I do about that stuff. In fact often times during sex I feel like she just wants me to do all the work. In fact I think she is so hard working that our sex life probably is the one thing she is lax on. I can understand that but unfortunately its making me lose my attraction. Sometimes Id rather just masturbate to porn. Often times I just do both and seemed to be still turned on from the earlier porn watching and that seems to help.

 

*Please people Im just being brutally honest here. I hope you all dont think Im a terrible person. I really do treat her well, I just have these thoughts that I need to get out. I'm stuck because I dont really want to lose her and I dont want to lose what we have (spiritually and financially).

[Leegh]

It sounds as if you are deeply attached to her and love her, but are not romantically in love with her. You may feel about her the way a person may feel about their sister. It is hard since you are married, if you were not married, I would say break up. Speaking for myself, when I was younger, I bought a lot of expensive clothes and it didn't make me happy for more than a day or so. I don't think money can buy happiness. For example, I have read that the "high" feeling of driving a new car wears off in about two months. Since you are undecided, I would make sure that at this point, that you do not have any children, until you figure out what to do. Since you make an adequate salary, if you separated/divorced, would you be financially OK? Unfortunately, I think when someone loses attraction for a person, it tends to get worse as time goes on. Both of you sound like great people, but just maybe mis-matched. Good Luck

[311]

thanks for the reply. even as I read that I really cant bare to lose her. it seems stupid. maybe i should just man up and stick it out. thats probably what im going to do. theres too much at stake to call it quits eventhough theres a lot of things wrong we have remained faithful to each other.

[TaraMaiden]

Good afternoon:

TaraMaiden here - also known as 'Mrs Tell-it-like-it-is', 'Lady Shoot.from.the.hip' and 'Dame Wet blanket'.

 

As you might guess this is complicated. I dated my wife for 4 years and we have been married for over 1 year. To be perfectly honest I may have gotten married out of neccesity. When my wife and I met I was still devastated by a previous seperation/breakup. So, I was trying to make the pain go away and she helped. But she also is the coolest woman that I know. I love her personality and the way she treats people and the way she treats me. She is beautiful, not as beautiful as my ex. Here's the other thing: she is extremely successful in her work. I find that attractive as well. I have guilt though because I think I might have gotten married to have a more comfortable life (although I work as well). We were able to move to a really nice area. I also think I may have done it because I was still on the rebound. All this aside I only have a few complaints about her but I really am losing my attraction to her. I think one of the problems is, as I hate to say this because I hate hearing people say this but, I love her but Im not in love with her. I dont think Ive ever been in love with her. I think of her as part of my family and I would do anything for her. I care about her well being greatly. But I think the sexual attraction is fading because of this. Also that while she is a clean person, I have a very sensitive nose and I am ultra clean. So, on occasion I catch a whiff of her ass in doggystyle and its a huge turn off. Yes, Ive mentioned this to her at great offense. I just cant stand it when that happens. Ive done all the other things like washed her myself. She just doesnt quite care as much as I do about that stuff. In fact often times during sex I feel like she just wants me to do all the work. In fact I think she is so hard working that our sex life probably is the one thing she is lax on. I can understand that but unfortunately its making me lose my attraction. Sometimes Id rather just masturbate to porn. Often times I just do both and seemed to be still turned on from the earlier porn watching and that seems to help.

 

*Please people Im just being brutally honest here. I hope you all dont think Im a terrible person. I really do treat her well, I just have these thoughts that I need to get out. I'm stuck because I dont really want to lose her and I dont want to lose what we have (spiritually and financially).

 

You're a liar.

You're lying to yourself, and you're lying to her.

 

You're lying to yourself because in all honesty, she was a rebound; you're looking for any excuse to lessen her effect on you (Such as she's not as beautiful as your ex, hygiene and a poor sexual response) but you are materialistic because you want to keep all the financial benefits and trappings marrying her has brought you (her successful job, the fact she is popular with others, moving to a nice area.)

 

I'm glad you only have 'a few' complaints about her - !

Imagine what it would be like if you had more!!

 

You're lying to her if you stay with her, and depriving her of the opportunity of finding someone who deserves her, and loves her for who she is, not what she earns.

I'm certain she's a clean person, so your fastidious nose is better suited to someone who matches your obsession with 'ultra cleanliness'.

 

Be honest with her.

break up with her, and go your own way.

 

Don't keep lying.

Your materialistic instinct is greater than your affection for her, and that's what's stopping you.

You actually care less about her than your status.

If money and status were not the object, you may well have dealt with this sooner.

As it is, she has a right to know her husband has no husbandly affection for her, but likes the wealth and lifestyle.

 

Do her a big favour and release her from this sham. She has a right to know her husband is using her for his own ends, but doesn't love her for herself.

How about that for a bit of brutal honesty?

[311]

nobody is forcing anybody. i do treat her well.

 

"You're lying to yourself because in all honesty, she was a rebound; you're looking for any excuse to lessen her effect on you (Such as she's not as beautiful as your ex, hygiene and a poor sexual response) but you are materialistic because you want to keep all the financial benefits and trappings marrying her has brought you (her successful job, the fact she is popular with others, moving to a nice area.)"

 

what do you mean lessen her effect on me?? im confused by that.

 

If you were in my position, and she has done nothing but be kind to you and we enjoy each others company and we are there for each other, would you leave her? there is no reason for me to leave her. i was hoping to find a way to figure out the attraction thing here, not find a bunch of judgmental accusatory banter. i also know what its like being on the other side of this. but the thing is i do want to be with her. and its not for the money she makes. i would never find someone like her again. shes the sweetest person i know. so, no I dont want to break up with her I just want to figure this out.

 

but actually this is making me feel more clear about my reasons.

[ForeverHopeful1]

She needs to know how you feel. You're going to have to bite the bullet.

[TaraMaiden]

nobody is forcing anybody. i do treat her well.

 

"You're lying to yourself because in all honesty, she was a rebound; you're looking for any excuse to lessen her effect on you (Such as she's not as beautiful as your ex, hygiene and a poor sexual response) but you are materialistic because you want to keep all the financial benefits and trappings marrying her has brought you (her successful job, the fact she is popular with others, moving to a nice area.)"

 

what do you mean lessen her effect on me?? im confused by that.

 

You're 'picking holes' in her to make her less attractive or desirable.

 

The one with the problem, is not her. It's you.

She is very happy, contented and established in this relationship. You are the one highlighting all the flaws to at least put your rationale into perspective. It doesn't work.

The bottom line is that you don't love her. You're a liar to stay in this relationship, but you do so because it suits you to.

 

 

If you were in my position, and she has done nothing but be kind to you and we enjoy each others company and we are there for each other, would you leave her? there is no reason for me to leave her.

OF COURSE THERE IS!!

 

You DON'T LOVE HER!! She's a rebound, she is less attractive to you than your ex, you don't think you've ever loved her, and sexually, she doesn't do it for you!

 

The reasons you don't leave her, are twofold:

One, guilt. because you know you phukked up marrying her.

Two: You have become accustomed to the lifestyle, and splitting up may mean sacrificing that.

 

 

i was hoping to find a way to figure out the attraction thing here, not find a bunch of judgmental accusatory banter.

Nobody's accusing you of doing anything you haven't already admitted to yourself.

The plain, bare, open truth, slapped across your face like a damp kipper, may hurt, but it doesn't make it any less true. You may see it as judgemental, but where have I, for one, been inaccurate?

 

i also know what its like being on the other side of this. but the thing is i do want to be with her. and its not for the money she makes. i would never find someone like her again. shes the sweetest person i know. so, no I dont want to break up with her I just want to figure this out.

Analyse it.

What you want is to gain perfection in this relationship by assuaging and dispelling your guilt at having made this mess. You WANT to love her, in order to make yourself feel better for all the things you are feeling.

What you want is to find ways of replacing your guilt with genuine feelings for her.

 

It's not going to happen.

Not while you are deceiving her still, about how you feel for her.

Until you admit to her she is a rebound, she is not as attractive as your ex-, you never probably loved her, and you don't like the sex, because her ass smells of - well, ass, frankly....

 

Then you will still be living the lie.

 

but actually this is making me feel more clear about my reasons.

Yeah, bit of an eye-opener when people tell you like it is, isn't it?

[ForeverHopeful1]

I'm not saying end things and leave her at all.

 

I do believe the only way my H and I have ever managed to fix anything or change things is when we tackled our issues together. How is he supposed to know everything? He can't possibly! I'm also a woman! Friggin women!

 

You can fix this if you want to. You just have to address her and let her know exactly how you feel. Unless and until she knows this stuff, why would this change?

 

What are the things you seriously want changed? What can she do? What are you willing to do to facilitate the healthy change? Are you being reasonable? Are there things you're scared to tell her? Or are you worried about hurting her? Maybe we can throw out some ideas for speaking to her in a way that won't hurt her?

 

I believe anything is worth working on if both people are invested in making things work.

[CarrieT]

As you might guess this is complicated.

It is not, really. Those of us that have been around here for a while have heard this stories thousands of times....

 

 

I really do treat her well, I just have these thoughts that I need to get out.

The first thing you need to do is Individual Counseling.

 

 

I'm stuck because I don't really want to lose her and I don't want to lose what we have (spiritually and financially).

What counseling will help you do is determine what is more important to you; the longevity of a marriage that you are not 100% happy in, or learning out to BE happy with what you have.

 

Please - I beg you - do not go the route that many do: That of having affairs because you are truly not satisfied in your marriage.

 

If you can, be honest with your wife and see if she will go to counseling with you.

 

I, for one, would seriously suggest you reconsider the longevity of your marriage. It is a young relationship and you are questioning it now - instead of a decade from now when you have children. It might be best to throw in the towel...

[311]

I'm not saying end things and leave her at all.

 

I do believe the only way my H and I have ever managed to fix anything or change things is when we tackled our issues together. How is he supposed to know everything? He can't possibly! I'm also a woman! Friggin women!

 

You can fix this if you want to. You just have to address her and let her know exactly how you feel. Unless and until she knows this stuff, why would this change?

 

What are the things you seriously want changed? What can she do? What are you willing to do to facilitate the healthy change? Are you being reasonable? Are there things you're scared to tell her? Or are you worried about hurting her? Maybe we can throw out some ideas for speaking to her in a way that won't hurt her?

 

I believe anything is worth working on if both people are invested in making things work.

 

this is something i can use. thank you! i want to be constructive about this. look ive been away from her for weeks at a time when i was on assignment. id come back and be so greatfull to see her. i still am greatful for her. i thank God that I have her. I know im a little screwed up from my past. i might be a little emotionally unavailable but hey, im a guy! look she has an idea of whats going on because she is extremely intelligent. when she gets drunk she gets pissed at me and i know thats the underlying reason. i think she feels that im not fully into it. but i also think there is a way to fix this. i think if she can show me a little more effort in the bedroom. i mean im always the one coming up with new stuff. its so funny because she is so dominant at work but is so passive in bed.

[311]

shes very self conscious and i try to tell her she is beautiful a lot. and she does have a great body and it get in even better shape with little effort from her. she used to be an athlete and it shows when she works out. unfortunately she has to work so much , and you know I understand that. I completely understand the lack of time for that. i just .....i dont know

[youngnlove89]

Sorry but, out of everything you have said, a stinky butthole tickled my curiosity the most.

 

And you could smell it from doggy style?! Holy moly, I honestly hope that isn't how any of my ex's feel! Your nose isn't anywhere near her butthole in that position...?

 

I'm embarrassed for her!

[Poppy fields]

You could always have your olfactory nerve severed, because that is one amazing sense of smell. I think it is in your head though, to be honest. I think some counseling is in order. You seem to really love her. So why all of the petty stuff? You need to figure that out.

[TaraMaiden]

.....i still am greatful for her. i thank God that I have her. I know im a little screwed up from my past. i might be a little emotionally unavailable but hey, im a guy!

That is a paltry and feeble excuse which doesn't let you off any hook, in any way.

It's a ridiculous thing to say, and frankly, a further 'line of deceit' because you KNOW what the problem is - you just won't admit it. And it makes a mockery of the hundreds of guys on here, devastated and deeply hurt by their exes leaving them.

So don't come with the "I'm a guy!" crap because it won't wash.

 

look she has an idea of whats going on because she is extremely intelligent. when she gets drunk she gets pissed at me and i know thats the underlying reason. i think she feels that im not fully into it.

Oh - you 'think' SHE feels...?!

And she is absolutely right - so why don't you do the right thing - and admit to it to her??

 

but i also think there is a way to fix this. i think if she can show me a little more effort in the bedroom.

 

Hang on - if YOU are the one with the problem - why is SHE the one who has to fix it?

 

You don't love her, and probably never have.

She was a rebound, who was never as attractive as your ex - but if she can spice up the bedroom scene, you will feel better disposed towards her?

That's big of you!

 

 

shes very self conscious and i try to tell her she is beautiful a lot. and she does have a great body and it get in even better shape with little effort from her.

 

More fault-finding?

And what shape are you in, Adonis?

 

she used to be an athlete and it shows when she works out. unfortunately she has to work so much , and you know I understand that. I completely understand the lack of time for that. i just .....i dont know

You just don't know.

Seems to me, the more you find wrong with her, the more you can justify to yourself why you don't love her, and how she can bear the 'blame' in all of this.

 

The more holes you can pick, the more self-righteous you feel.

 

Yet, it doesn't make you any less of a liar.

 

She should know the truth.

You owe her that.

Until you come clean, everything you do is clouded by deceit.

[dichotomy]

The only thing I can say is this - even if you found someone you were head over heals in love with from day one (lets call this infatuation and chemicals in the brain)...it is likely after 7 or more years of marriage - maybe some kids, you may find yourself feeling the same - that is "loving but not in love" and your sexual attraction, sex quality, and frequency dwindling. It takes work to keep things alive, it also takes a bit of blindness to the body thing because over time, our bodies are not going to get any better - yours or hers.

 

I don't believe love is always a feeling. Feelings come and go in long term relationships. It has harder for find partners we deeply care about and they care about us, and will honor and protect each other.

 

Not saying you should stay, just something for you to think about.

Edited April 16, 2013 by dichotomy

[Els]

How do you smell someone's ass in doggy style if they are clean?????

[wheream_i]

Sorry but, out of everything you have said, a stinky butthole tickled my curiosity the most.

 

And you could smell it from doggy style?! I'm embarrassed for her!

 

I know, right? Lol.

[wheream_i]

i might be a little emotionally unavailable but hey, im a guy!

 

bwaahahahaa!

[wheream_i]

Again, back to the "get a whiff of her ass doing doggystyle". Damn, I don't think I've ever caught a whiff of a chick's bunghole while I'm hittin' it from behind. I'm a total ass-man, so I get into ass worship and I spend a lot of time back there playing, fondling and spreading (don't judge) and I still don't think that's ever happened.

 

I think the problem here is her not cleaning herself all the way. Which would turn anyone off.

[xxoo]

I think, when we are very in love and sexually attracted to someone, body smells are sexy.

 

And when we are not so in love or sexually attracted, body smells are kind of yucky.

 

I doubt the issue is her cleanliness. I think you just aren't that into her, and her losing vanity pounds or adding sex moves isn't going to help.

 

Also, you say she isn't adventurous in bed. Well, being told that you smell bad would probably dampen most people's spirit! Putting yourself "out there" takes confidence and security. Feeling self-conscious is an impediment. Something to consider.

[311]

Wow, a lot to respond to here.

 

#1 I am an ass man! dont get me wrong, i love sticking my face right in there and lovin it all up hahah, if its right out of the shower and i am positive that its clean. the last time i got a whiff of her butt was after we had been riding bikes around town having drinks and came home and started going at it. see if it was me i would excuse myself and jump in the shower quick before i presented my ass to my husband but thats just me (regular doggystyle no anal)..... and usually i can just pound it out but i was pretty wasted and i got that whiff and i just couldnt keep going. Rarely happens to me. and it happens occasionally like this because i dont think she really takes the time to scrub that area with a wash cloth. i mean im sure my ass smells after a few hours out of the shower no matter how much i scrub but im a guy and my ass isnt in anyones face.

 

#2 TaraMaiden you are coming at me with a lot of energy im sensing from something else. Look ive had my heart broken really badly. i know how it feels which is exactly why i want to try everything to make it work because i cant do that to someone else. And you're right, I am a selfish bastard. But Im also loyal to my family and Im loyal to my wife. I would do anything for her. I just think I had my heart broken so bad that I am unable to feel that way again. Im talking about the buttlerflies puppy love, first love. I dont feel like that but maybe that's normal?

 

And by the way my job requires me to be in good physical condition and i have the time to put into that. which is why i think its unfair that she can go to the gym for two weeks and see changes and i always look the same. which i tell her by the way.

 

#3 women complain about guys being emotionally unavailable but at least in my case, it was a woman that made me that way. at one time i was naive and completely trusting and open. boy did i pay dearly for being that.

[xxoo]

If you would have showered first, and you would have thought of that, why didn't you invite her into the shower first? I'm sure you didn't smell fresh and clean at that point, either. What do you think a man's balls smell like hours after a shower Maybe she's never mentioned, but I'm sure she's noticed....

[Els]

i mean im sure my ass smells after a few hours out of the shower no matter how much i scrub but im a guy and my ass isnt in anyones face.

 

What is this I don't even... :confused::confused:

[colombiana28]

If you would have showered first, and you would have thought of that, why didn't you invite her into the shower first? I'm sure you didn't smell fresh and clean at that point, either. What do you think a man's balls smell like hours after a shower Maybe she's never mentioned, but I'm sure she's noticed....

 

no freakin' kidding! so her butt smelled...after a day of bike riding. there's no way your junk smells rosy in comparison. and if it offends your senses so much, YOU need to be the one to initiate a shower.

 

good god i feel bad for this woman

[todreaminblue]

As you might guess this is complicated. I dated my wife for 4 years and we have been married for over 1 year. To be perfectly honest I may have gotten married out of neccesity. When my wife and I met I was still devastated by a previous seperation/breakup. So, I was trying to make the pain go away and she helped. But she also is the coolest woman that I know. I love her personality and the way she treats people and the way she treats me. She is beautiful, not as beautiful as my ex. Here's the other thing: she is extremely successful in her work. I find that attractive as well. I have guilt though because I think I might have gotten married to have a more comfortable life (although I work as well). We were able to move to a really nice area. I also think I may have done it because I was still on the rebound. All this aside I only have a few complaints about her but I really am losing my attraction to her. I think one of the problems is, as I hate to say this because I hate hearing people say this but, I love her but Im not in love with her. I dont think Ive ever been in love with her. I think of her as part of my family and I would do anything for her. I care about her well being greatly. But I think the sexual attraction is fading because of this. Also that while she is a clean person, I have a very sensitive nose and I am ultra clean. So, on occasion I catch a whiff of her ass in doggystyle and its a huge turn off. Yes, Ive mentioned this to her at great offense. I just cant stand it when that happens. Ive done all the other things like washed her myself. She just doesnt quite care as much as I do about that stuff. In fact often times during sex I feel like she just wants me to do all the work. In fact I think she is so hard working that our sex life probably is the one thing she is lax on. I can understand that but unfortunately its making me lose my attraction. Sometimes Id rather just masturbate to porn. Often times I just do both and seemed to be still turned on from the earlier porn watching and that seems to help.

 

*Please people Im just being brutally honest here. I hope you all dont think Im a terrible person. I really do treat her well, I just have these thoughts that I need to get out. I'm stuck because I dont really want to lose her and I dont want to lose what we have (spiritually and financially).

 

 

I feel fro your wife, the way you talk about her ass and how you get a whiff of it while doing doggy...on a public forum.......fact...... sex smells.....

 

 

have you tried to bleach her yet......its what i have done before poured hospital grade bleach all over myself.........scrubbed myself with steel wool to get the scent of a man off me....didnt work could still smell him...thats what happens when you have a sensitive nose...you smell everything.....let your wife go i am praying she finds someone who loves her for her...you write liek you are almost disgusted with her in parts....i feel....this isnt love......if you loved her you would not have posted what you did on a public forum...i certainly wouldnt consider.....posting anything like this about a partner....never in a million years....i am turned off by my wife she has a smelly bottom.......talk to a professional ....seek therapy.....good luck...deb