losing attraction to my wife

[TaraMaiden]

Wow, a lot to respond to here.

 

#1 I am an ass man! dont get me wrong, i love sticking my face right in there and lovin it all up hahah, if its right out of the shower and i am positive that its clean. the last time i got a whiff of her butt was after we had been riding bikes around town having drinks and came home and started going at it. see if it was me i would excuse myself and jump in the shower quick before i presented my ass to my husband but thats just me (regular doggystyle no anal)..... and usually i can just pound it out but i was pretty wasted and i got that whiff and i just couldnt keep going. Rarely happens to me. and it happens occasionally like this because i dont think she really takes the time to scrub that area with a wash cloth. i mean im sure my ass smells after a few hours out of the shower no matter how much i scrub but im a guy and my ass isnt in anyones face.

 

And if it was, I'm sure you'd hear about it.

 

Remember when you use the soap after her, that your face may be the first place you wash, but she may have washed her ass last with it.....

 

#2 TaraMaiden you are coming at me with a lot of energy im sensing from something else.

Oh really? What exactly?

Nah.

I'm always like this. Have been for 17,000 posts, so get used to it.....

 

Look ive had my heart broken really badly. i know how it feels which is exactly why i want to try everything to make it work because i cant do that to someone else. And you're right, I am a selfish bastard. But Im also loyal to my family and Im loyal to my wife. I would do anything for her. I just think I had my heart broken so bad that I am unable to feel that way again. Im talking about the buttlerflies puppy love, first love. I dont feel like that but maybe that's normal?

Yeah, of course it's normal! Everyone experiences a transition from that to something else. Relationships evolve, mature and grow.....

But if you NEVER felt that way about your wife, then you're living a lie.

You may think you're loyal - but I still see a lot of guilt and attempts at self-justification, here.

 

And by the way my job requires me to be in good physical condition and i have the time to put into that. which is why i think its unfair that she can go to the gym for two weeks and see changes and i always look the same. which i tell her by the way.

Good god alive now you're jealous of how good she can look! Feckking hell, there's no damn pleasing you, is there? If she doesn't tone up, you complain.

When she tones up - you complain! Dude, you have some serious issues, man....

 

#3 women complain about guys being emotionally unavailable but at least in my case, it was a woman that made me that way. at one time i was naive and completely trusting and open. boy did i pay dearly for being that.

No, don't blame anyone for making you feel a certain way.

Nobody 'made' you do anything.

How you feel - what goes on in your head - how you process things - is always your choice, and yours only.

This is YOUR issue to deal with - don't hang that on another person's shoulders.

[311]

Thanks for all the input. Although it sounds like a lot of angry women on here. It's good to get that point of view as well. I think I'd rather just ride it out and see what happens. Id have to be an idiot to leave her so I hope I can work out my own issues within myself. Because you are right that she is perfect how she is. I don't deserve her. And that I'm sure you will agree with. But things being as they are, I'll just try to make her happy and see if I can work out my own issues.

[Poppy fields]

Thanks for all the input. Although it sounds like a lot of angry women on here. It's good to get that point of view as well. I think I'd rather just ride it out and see what happens. Id have to be an idiot to leave her so I hope I can work out my own issues within myself. Because you are right that she is perfect how she is. I don't deserve her. And that I'm sure you will agree with. But things being as they are, I'll just try to make her happy and see if I can work out my own issues.

 

You are so awesome. She is one very lucky woman indeed.

[Eggplant]

To be perfectly honest I may have gotten married out of neccesity. When my wife and I met I was still devastated by a previous seperation/breakup. So, I was trying to make the pain go away and she helped.

Your decision truly irks me. Don't you know that marriage is forever? She's not your girlfriend now, she's your wife. Why would you rob yourself the once-in-a-lifetime chance you have to marry for true love? (Sorry... I'm speaking to myself as much as you. I have a great fear of marrying the wrong person, so I react...)

 

But she also is the coolest woman that I know. I love her personality and the way she treats people and the way she treats me. She is beautiful, not as beautiful as my ex. Here's the other thing: she is extremely successful in her work. I find that attractive as well. I have guilt though because I think I might have gotten married to have a more comfortable life (although I work as well). We were able to move to a really nice area. I also think I may have done it because I was still on the rebound.

These reasons were why you were able to convince yourself to marry the wrong person. :-(

All this aside I only have a few complaints about her but I really am losing my attraction to her.

I think one of the problems is, as I hate to say this because I hate hearing people say this but, I love her but Im not in love with her. I dont think Ive ever been in love with her. I think of her as part of my family and I would do anything for her. I care about her well being greatly. But I think the sexual attraction is fading because of this.

I don't know whether losing attraction is normal. Over the long haul, you are going to have to work HARD to maintain a marriage, and you are going to have to truly love her personality and feel like friends. You haven't had kids yet. I don't know... I hate divorce, but you maybe made a dumb mistake, and there may be still time for both of you to get it right...

 

Also that while she is a clean person, I have a very sensitive nose and I am ultra clean. So, on occasion I catch a whiff of her ass in doggystyle and its a huge turn off. Yes, Ive mentioned this to her at great offense. I just cant stand it when that happens. Ive done all the other things like washed her myself. She just doesnt quite care as much as I do about that stuff.

Maybe some wet wipes will help. Don't shame her for it. You are both mature adults here. Be very respectful and nice about it, and she should also take action to clean up too. This problem seems easily fixed.

In fact often times during sex I feel like she just wants me to do all the work. In fact I think she is so hard working that our sex life probably is the one thing she is lax on. I can understand that but unfortunately its making me lose my attraction. Sometimes Id rather just masturbate to porn. Often times I just do both and seemed to be still turned on from the earlier porn watching and that seems to help.

Haha! This seems to be a common issue among hetero couples. Sex is extremely important. Why don't you do it during the daytime, morning, or evening, and not like the absolute last thing at 12:40 am when you have to get up at 6? Make it a priority like eating dinner.

 

*Please people Im just being brutally honest here. I hope you all dont think Im a terrible person. I really do treat her well, I just have these thoughts that I need to get out. I'm stuck because I dont really want to lose her and I dont want to lose what we have (spiritually and financially).

You're human (sigh). I just really wish you wouldn't have married a rebound girlfriend. Your post reminds me to make absolutely sure the man I'm with is for real.

[Els]

Thanks for all the input. Although it sounds like a lot of angry women on here.

 

The majority of women here have simply suggested that you don't smell so hot either after a day of bike riding, and that instead of focusing on how HER ass smells bad, maybe next time you should suggest a shower together or somesuch.

 

Sounds like you think 'anger' means 'common sense' or something.

 

(And no, men's butts do not 'inherently' smell bad, nor is it more acceptable for them to. WTF.)

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I'd rather just ride it out and see what happens. Id have to be an idiot to leave her so I hope I can work out my own issues within myself.

Are you this passive in all aspects of your life ??? So far your two plans of attack are:

 

1). Using your criticism, have her fix your perceived laundry list of problems herself.

 

2). Have LoveShack members suggest ideas for you to use.

 

Seems like a distinct lack of personal responsibility on your part in both cause and effect. If you want changes in anything from personal hygiene to sexual frequency, why not lead the way? A frank discussion would be a good start...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whatitistoburn]

I agree with both tara and eggplant. You said it yourself you are not in love with her. This is why you find all these negative things about her like her ass stinking or shes not doing it for you in bed, etc. if you are into her, the smell is no big deal unless shes really very unhygienic which is unhealthy for her and for you, too.

 

You said youve been hurt before so you should know the feeling. What I suggest is for you to imagine yourself in her position. Imagine that things are the other way around and that your wife was the one who married you for money and status and she is now on loveshack confessing to strangers about the fact that she doesnt love you and that you were only a rebound and that she married you for financial stability. You go home every day after working so hard to give her everything she wants and needs thinking that she loves you but truth is she is only there for status and comfort and because you have been a very nice kind and beautiful person, she cant tell you the truth and give you the chance to make a decision whether to stay or not. Imagine you are her, how would you feel? And imagine if she kept this to herself for years so youve been living a lie for years. Imagine you having kids in a few years with your wife who doesnt love you. Imagine that you wasted many years of your life with someone who doesnt love you, who tried to love you but never loved you (its not you, its her) How do you think youd feel? Youd be crushed, youd feel broken. It is unfair, right?

 

So If you respect her and care for her as a person or at least as someone you consider a family, you will stop lying to her and tell her honestly how you feel. You admitted youre the one who has issues and shes been nothing but good to you so at least give her this - tell her the truth and give her the chance to make a decision whether she wants to continue with this relationship and try to make it work with you and do things to make you attracted to her again or leave and go on with her life and find the person who loves her unconditionally. Give her the chance because right from the beginning when you got into a relationship with her as a rebound and when you married her for other reasons BUT love, YOU were the one who made the decision. You were the one who decided to go on like this. She did not. She agreed with your decisions because she thought that you love her as much as she loves you. You have been lying and deceiving her. It is not right and it is not fair.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for all the input. Although it sounds like a lot of angry women on here. It's good to get that point of view as well. I think I'd rather just ride it out and see what happens. Id have to be an idiot to leave her so I hope I can work out my own issues within myself. Because you are right that she is perfect how she is. I don't deserve her. And that I'm sure you will agree with. But things being as they are, I'll just try to make her happy and see if I can work out my own issues.

 

i dont think there are a bunch of angry women on here..honest yeah...i think if your wife accidentally came across your posts on here.....you would know what an angry woman would say or do.......and that anger would stem from your disregard and the fact you say you dont think you love her....your wife....would be hurt pretty badly.it would however probably come out as anger..that actually makes me a little sad ....deb

[Whatitistoburn]

You said she might have an idea already so there you go, if you tell her and get this off your chest, she might even give your relationship a chance and she might love you soooo much that shes going to stay and try to make it work and do everything to make you love her. Then you wont have to suffer with guilt about not being in love with her for the rest of your married life.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Not an angry woman here, someone who has been in your position.

 

I never had that "in love feeling" with H but he was a very good person who loved me madly, he loved sex w me, I could take it or leave it. Fast forward 20 yrs, kids house cars vaca's all the good stuff, yet still had that missing feeling, so had an affair - with a man that is similiar to what you saying. Telling you same as I said to him you should leave. He didn't either. I get that no criticisim from me.

 

What I can tell you check this out:

 

Everybody Marries the Wrong Person by Christine Meinecke, Ph.D.

 

I think it is true. We can choose to love the person we are with. Thats basically what the site says. As opposed to telling yourself all the things you wish were better try to focus on the things you do like about your wife. Once a

write 5 things you like about her, have her do the same and exchange cards. Practice random acts of kindness for each other (a little gift in the car something silly, bring coffee in the morning). Basically make a concerted effort to fall in love with the person she is. Will it work? Don't know, but I am trying it now. Go to group therapy with other couples. I didn't read all that was written to you, it was A LOT of negative. Thats sad because I too would like to know if I can become physically attracted to H and WANT to have sex with him, enjoy having sex with him. I'm trying. You should to if you want to stay married. Either choose to leave or choose to commit. Right now your only half way "in" go all out or leave.

 

One more piece of practical advice. When we fall in love it begins with the smell of the person, we all emit different pheromones and subconsciously we become attacted to the other person their their fragrance. I wouldn't have believed this but I know I loved the way my OM smelled, not his cologne but his sweat after making love I would inhale the fragrance of his skin, intoxicating!! Buy some baby wipes and place them by the tiolet. So much better then tissue.

[311]

well sex was great today. communication is good. everything is going well. man the last poster sounded ok but some of you give horrible advice. If i didnt have any self confidence i might have actually listened to some of you crazy women....what a mistake. the biggest mistake was even posting anything on here cause there isnt enough men on this forum because the only time a man would post on here is when he is feeling depressed or weak which is how i felt when i first posted. hey mods, feel free to erase this thread and take me off of here. this **** sucks!

[Mr. Lucky]

hey mods, feel free to erase this thread and take me off of here. this **** sucks!

Like so many things in life, you get back from this forum in equal measure to what you put in. Bye bye...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ihaveaheadache]

Someone may had said this already but....

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Have an affair, just keep it safe, dont mess around with multiples. Have an affair with a married person (safer). Don't get caught and don't fall in love to where you'd ever be willing to break up your marriage. The grass Is NOT greener.

I'm much in the same boat where I love him and the "norm" but not in love nor does he give me emotionally, mentally, and physically what I require.

[SoleMate]

If you feel your partner would benefit from a shower, the honesty requires that you nicely and clearly tell her so. "Darling, please hop in the shower and then I'll love you up!" No reference to past disgust.

 

Even if you don't do anything else, just do this one thing.

[Els]

So now it's both 'crazy' AND 'angry' to suggest a bath with your wife, and apparently only people with 'no self-confidence' do that. You must really hate showering, huh?

[Ihaveaheadache]

are you kidding? worst advice ever.

 

Maybe it sounds the worst...but its the most realistic.