Dog in the manger or self-preservation?

[waterwoman]

I have realised something over the last few weeks. I am not totally sure that I want to stay with H. I am fairly sure that I do but not 100%. Because the reasons for his affair were the same for me. I didn't kick him out on d-day because I wasn't in a fit state to make such a big decision, or any decision.

 

We are working on it. We're doing ok. I love him. He loves me. But as has been said on here many times, love isn't always enough.

 

But I assumed that because I didn't want him to go on d-day, that was it. Committed. But I have realise more and more that I have choices, a future that doesn't necessarily involve a man I loved for so long but who chose to kick me in the teeth. I am healing me. I am getting stronger. We are reaching an even keel. Then I can make a decision.

 

Is that mean 'dog in the manger' behaviour or simply self-preservation?

[Furious]

I have realised something over the last few weeks. I am not totally sure that I want to stay with H. I am fairly sure that I do but not 100%. Because the reasons for his affair were the same for me. I didn't kick him out on d-day because I wasn't in a fit state to make such a big decision, or any decision.

We are working on it. We're doing ok. I love him. He loves me. But as has been said on here many times, love isn't always enough.

 

But I assumed that because I didn't want him to go on d-day, that was it. Committed. But I have realise more and more that I have choices, a future that doesn't necessarily involve a man I loved for so long but who chose to kick me in the teeth. I am healing me. I am getting stronger. We are reaching an even keel. Then I can make a decision.

 

Is that mean 'dog in the manger' behaviour or simply self-preservation?

 

WW

 

You were blindsided on d-day and your natural reaction was to preserve your marriage and keep your family together, because in your heart and mind that's what you've always wanted and worked so hard for.

 

 

At this point you're reassessing the progress or lack of progress in your relationship with your husband.

 

Seems as though you're thinking more clearly and realizing that you have choices and that you're not beholden to your earlier decisions so soon after your discovery.

 

The shock has worn off and you're entering a new phase and you can now reflect, reassess, and reconsider all your options and choices as to what may be best for YOU.

 

You're doing great.

[Confused48]

Wow. Thanks for sharing. This gives me pause. I too am in a fairly good and stable place with my WS. After a long painful journey. But I'm still open to results other than happily ever after. I really feel at my best when I think I don't need a human live in partner. (I have dogs) BTW what is this "dog in the manger" reference about?

[waterwoman]

Thanks for responding furious - I WAS completely blindsided, I couldn't imagine a future without h. I am seeing clearly now.

 

Confused - it means 'I don't want it but I don't want you to have it either' (dogs don't eat hay but they can stop the horse from eating it if they lie on top of it! Aesops fable?)

 

I posted this partly because I wondered if I was being vindictive to h.

[Furious]

Thanks for responding furious - I WAS completely blindsided, I couldn't imagine a future without h. I am seeing clearly now.

 

Confused - it means 'I don't want it but I don't want you to have it either' (dogs don't eat hay but they can stop the horse from eating it if they lie on top of it! Aesops fable?)

 

I posted this partly because I wondered if I was being vindictive to h.

 

 

WW

 

You're now concentrating on how you feel, what you need and want or don't want and where do you go from here.

 

It's like a tornado has hit your home and your first instinct is to save yourself and your children. Now you're looking at the wreckage, sorting through the debris and are faced with deciding if your home can be rebuilt or if the damage is too much and if you may need to find yourself another home.

 

Perfectly normal and just a new phase you're going through. Be patient with yourself, don't pressure yourself, it's normal to have doubt and to reassess where you are now.

 

You need not think every decision you make is written in stone, you have the right to change your mind if in your gut it doesn't feel right for you.

 

This is the roller coaster you're on, that from day to day or week to week, you will waver and wonder if you really want to reconcile or not.

 

Be patient with yourself and give yourself all the time you need, no rush, just one day at a time.

[BetrayedH]

I don't remotely think you're being vindictive. As far as I can tell, it's not your nature.

 

As the others have said, this is a natural part of the process. And I think it's why the 2nd year is many times harder than the 1st. The shock and immediate thoughts of only wanting to save your M dissipate. And if your H at all reduces his efforts and starts to take it easy and expect that you're over it, there's hell to pay.

[HopingAgain]

Thanks for responding furious - I WAS completely blindsided, I couldn't imagine a future without h. I am seeing clearly now.

 

Confused - it means 'I don't want it but I don't want you to have it either' (dogs don't eat hay but they can stop the horse from eating it if they lie on top of it! Aesops fable?)

 

I posted this partly because I wondered if I was being vindictive to h.

 

I can really identify with this. It has crossed my mind that part of my immediate goal in reconciling was to ensure that "she" wouldn't have him! But the prevailing thought was for love and family. Now the smoke has cleared a bit and I know that I could still leave at any point if it gets too hard. But then I look at how much we are both changing and truly falling in love all over again. That makes me want to hold on and go the distance. I hope the same will.be true for you.

[waterwoman]

Thank you.

 

bh - nice of you to say but I have to admit this affair crap has made me feel more nasty and hurtful than I ever imagined. I have to slap my wrist to stop myself indulging in fantasies of horrible things happening to OW - not really painful or dangerous, just minor humiliations such as forgetting your purse on a weekly shop or tripping over a curbstone in front of a group of sniggering teens I don't do REALLY nasty. It had released my inner.... well not bitch exactly... perhap inner imp.

 

hoping - I do love him. I have never felt as loved up for many many years. But I am trying hard to clear my head of all that and see my options. Life with H isn't the only one and if I am honest I am still a bit angry with him. DOn't know how to deal with that.