Reasons why they can't leave

[jlola]

If the marriage is so bad,why stay? So many excuses on this board it is ridiculous. 50% of people divorce . Out of those 50% taking out the ones who stay for religious purposes and culture more would divorce.

 

So why are you still the OW if you two are so in love. I am so sick of hearing it is because o the children. If you loved the kids so much, you would not be having an affair. But taking your time to stratigically leave the "bad relationship". Noone is doing a child a favor with parents who seem to resent each other or parents who stay with alcoholics,mentally unstable people who will not take their meds,or whatever the darn excuse.

 

I wish my parents had divorced instead of using us as an excuse. Truth be told, my mother stayed because she loved my father and thought he would revert to the charming man she met ....if she was perfect,stayed beautiful,cooked,cleaned. But nothing worked( even though he was good looking, he married way out of his league in looks). He was wired wrong from the start. She just cannot see that. But OW most likely think it was her who MUST have been doing something wrong to make him cheat.

 

My father stayed because he wanted to have the image of "family man' and also because he greedily did not want to split money,property. People stay for selfish reasons. But try to justify. OM/OW repeat these reasons like they make sense. From a child raised in this madness it makes no sense but to the selfish people who want to seems like martyrs. If you really cared about your children, the affair would not be going on.

 

I find it hard to believe a good parent does not have enough on their plate with children, marriage, work(or SAHM) to keep busy. I mean I am single,no kids and I still find it difficult to make time to see someone a few times a week. The affair is taking away from something. Probably quality time with your kids!

[DelusionalOne]

It is stated that approximately 75% of divorces are initiated by women. I once talked to a guy friend of mine who had a d-day (after I found out about my husband's first EA) and I asked him if he loved the OW so much, why didn't he leave. He said, "she's not that bad (his wife) and to coin the old phrase, it's cheaper to keep her. I would have to pay alimony and child support, lose half my 401k, my home, my dog, and on top of that I would only get to see my kids on the weekend! Holidays would be a nightmare. Who needs that hassle?"

 

As far as me and my H... There is no divorce. Not today, tomorrow, next month or next year. The reasons are valid and binding... Not something I feel the need to share or justify. He knows and acknowledges it, I know and acknowledge it. It is what it is until death do we part. For the most part we live an amiable existence. I never asked xMM to leave his wife. I never said I was going to leave my husband and xMM never did either as well.

[AnotherRound]

Just because one person believes that it would be easy to break up their family and leave their children - doesn't mean that all people believe that. There are a lot of good parents out there who don't want their children to experience divorce, and are afraid of the effects that will have on their children.

 

There are also a multitude of other reasons that people stay. Financial being a big one. I don't know anyone that "wants" to lose half of everything they have worked for over a span of 20 years - let alone the home they live in, daily access to their children etc.

 

If you imagine it like a scale - on one side you have your own personal needs, and on the other side you have the needs of your children, your home, your finances, your family and your spouse's family, your community, your religious peers - that marriage side gets heavy with all of the things entwined in that partnership.

 

If it was easy - the divorce rate would be more around 100% imo. I have been through a divorce, one that didn't even include children - and it's an emotionally and financially draining experience - it sucks. It only makes sense that people who haven't been through it avoid it like the plague - I mean, they hear the horror stories, and from what I've seen, they imagine it much worse than it is - but in reality, it's still a pretty draining experience - no matter the circumstances.

 

It amazes me the amount of people that say it's "easy" to just walk away - but then those same people stay with a partner that has been unfaithful to them???? I mean - if it should be easy for one spouse, wouldn't it be just as easy for the other spouse? It's not easy -and that is the fallacy in your logic.

[loredo21]

I've worked with A LOT of men, on numerous occasions and at all different times in my life. All different walks of life. And the story was always the same. Miserable at home. Staying for comfort, convenience, finances, children, etc. and have also heard the "she's not that bad" response or my favorite "it is what it is"....None were actively working on their marriages or relationships that I could see and were just simply okay with being content. I've seen and heard about it with them. As well as very close friends and a hell of a lot of family. I can see now working on my own R how easy it is to do. I don't want to be that person. It happens all the time, and I am sick of being told otherwise.

[Sarabi]

So why are you still the OW if you two are so in love. I am so sick of hearing it is because o the children. If you loved the kids so much, you would not be having an affair.

Am not an OW anymore really...oh yeah yeah yeah, I heard that speech at some point; He said he "wants to stay married because he wants to be a good father to his daughter." Good for him...

I am not sure...I read some other article somewhere where someone with children was talking about the breakdown of their relationship(nothing to do with an affair). It mentioned something about the husband/boyfriend not being good to have a relationship with(they were always arguing and found it difficult to live with each other) but...he was an excellent father. Do you not think this is possible? The "love for each other as a couple" relationship and the "parent-child" relationship are different...in a way?

 

I wish my parents had divorced instead of using us as an excuse. Truth be told, my mother stayed because she loved my father and thought he would revert to the charming man she met ....if she was perfect,stayed beautiful,cooked,cleaned. But nothing worked( even though he was good looking, he married way out of his league in looks). He was wired wrong from the start. She just cannot see that.

I am so sorry really.

 

But OW most likely think it was her who MUST have been doing something wrong to make him cheat.

Hmmmm...no not really. I don't think like that. It might have been but no. There is a problem with him or with something their relationship. A missing link. Breakdown in communication or error in something somewhere.

 

People stay for selfish reasons. But try to justify. OM/OW repeat these reasons like they make sense. From a child raised in this madness it makes no sense but to the selfish people who want to seems like martyrs. If you really cared about your children, the affair would not be going on.

This is true really, people do stay for selfish reasons I don't have children. He did...it began to bother me greatly and I even asked how he feels about the whole thing-this child will grow up one day and ask "who was that woman?". I even asked him once if his wife is aware of the fact I have seen or been around their child and how on earth do you think she will feel about that? Is it right?? Does he not think he should tell her?

 

The affair is taking away from something. Probably quality time with your kids!

...and quality time with his wife too ...

[loredo21]

Just because one person believes that it would be easy to break up their family and leave their children - doesn't mean that all people believe that. There are a lot of good parents out there who don't want their children to experience divorce, and are afraid of the effects that will have on their children.

 

There are also a multitude of other reasons that people stay. Financial being a big one. I don't know anyone that "wants" to lose half of everything they have worked for over a span of 20 years - let alone the home they live in, daily access to their children etc.

 

If you imagine it like a scale - on one side you have your own personal needs, and on the other side you have the needs of your children, your home, your finances, your family and your spouse's family, your community, your religious peers - that marriage side gets heavy with all of the things entwined in that partnership.

 

If it was easy - the divorce rate would be more around 100% imo. I have been through a divorce, one that didn't even include children - and it's an emotionally and financially draining experience - it sucks. It only makes sense that people who haven't been through it avoid it like the plague - I mean, they hear the horror stories, and from what I've seen, they imagine it much worse than it is - but in reality, it's still a pretty draining experience - no matter the circumstances.

 

It amazes me the amount of people that say it's "easy" to just walk away - but then those same people stay with a partner that has been unfaithful to them???? I mean - if it should be easy for one spouse, wouldn't it be just as easy for the other spouse? It's not easy -and that is the fallacy in your logic.

 

AMEN sister!

[jlola]

None of this applies for me. You are making assumptions that you actually know more about what is going on than you do.

Not everyone is making these excuses.

He has never told me that he is staying for his kids. He's got legitimate reasons to stay, and some are very selfish, but they do make sense.

They aren't shared on the board because as I said earlier I have trust issues and when I do share actual details it's all twisted.

I've also never asked him to leave. I'm the OW because I fit in his life in that aspect and he fits in my life in the role he's in.

He spends more time with his kids now that he's met me, so while he has given up something, it's not the kids.

 

How do you become the OW when you have trust issues? I have trust issues also, but being raised by a cheater, whenever a MM hits on me I get turned off to him. In fact I was once involved briefly with a man who I did not know was living with another woman. The man was so attractive it was paaaiiiiinnnnnful. I could not go anywhere and not have woman staring or flirting. We had never been physically intimate, but this guy was jumping through hoops for me and being very patient. I thought I hit the jackpot till I got a phone call one morning telling me she was his live in.

 

After that, any attraction I had for him was gone. He became an immediate turn-off. He was like a beautiful statue. To be admired,but no sexual feelings whatsoever anymore.

 

He tried and tried and tried to explain but I was done! Out of curiosity recently I googled his name. Guess who was delinquent on his child support? Guess there were other areas in his life he is not honest. Thank goodness by the time he came along, my emotional awareness was strong enough to listen to the red flags. No excuse he could have given would have made it ok for him to lie to me about his being single. NONE!!

[AnotherRound]

Not easy to "break up the family?" But easy to sneak around and do something that is likely to break up the family. That makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever.

 

I can see that it makes no sense to you - hence your frustration with it. Like I said, not everyone looks at these things the same way that you do. My exMM was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for his children and their sake - even though in the end it proved that they really were better off with the divorce - he couldn't KNOW that before hand and it freaked him out. He didn't want to "mess his kids up".

 

In an adult world, the children wouldn't know that their father or mother was having an affair - why would anyone think that a child should be privy to the inner workings of their parent's relationship? They can't handle that information, nor should they have to. So, having an affair - that the children aren't privy to and aren't affected by - vs getting a divorce which of course is in the child's face and directly affects them - two completely different things.

 

I don't think that affairs are the "answer" - but I am able to see why people sometimes choose that instead of divorce. Especially men - whether some want to believe it or not, men get screwed in family court more times than not, and no, the system is not "equal" now. Why do you think women ask for divorce more than men? Because it's not nearly as scary to them - they KNOW with almost certainty that they will get the house, the children, alimony, child support - etc. They will be FINE - while the men have to find a new home, become weekend dads, and pay a woman for years that they are no longer in a relationship with.

 

The system is broken - and the favor goes to women, not men. Men aren't stupid, they KNOW this... of course that's why they only ask for divorce when there is absolutely NO OTHER choice - why would they willingly participate in something they know is going to work out unfairly towards them? And not just WS men either - men who haven't done a thing "wrong" will stay in a marriage long after they want to for the exact same reasons - no fault divorce works out in theory and on in paper, in reality it is always "man fault and woman wins"... the statistics are there for anyone to look up. If I was a man, I would never get married - it's a lose/lose for most of them - the lucky few that end up in a workable marriage is a very small percentage - and the rest? Well, they may as well be up a creek without a paddle - that's why women push for marriage and men run from it - the whole system needs to be revamped.

[jlola]

Just because one person believes that it would be easy to break up their family and leave their children - doesn't mean that all people believe that. There are a lot of good parents out there who don't want their children to experience divorce, and are afraid of the effects that will have on their children.

 

There are also a multitude of other reasons that people stay. Financial being a big one. I don't know anyone that "wants" to lose half of everything they have worked for over a span of 20 years - let alone the home they live in, daily access to their children etc.

 

If you imagine it like a scale - on one side you have your own personal needs, and on the other side you have the needs of your children, your home, your finances, your family and your spouse's family, your community, your religious peers - that marriage side gets heavy with all of the things entwined in that partnership.

 

If it was easy - the divorce rate would be more around 100% imo. I have been through a divorce, one that didn't even include children - and it's an emotionally and financially draining experience - it sucks. It only makes sense that people who haven't been through it avoid it like the plague - I mean, they hear the horror stories, and from what I've seen, they imagine it much worse than it is - but in reality, it's still a pretty draining experience - no matter the circumstances.

 

It amazes me the amount of people that say it's "easy" to just walk away - but then those same people stay with a partner that has been unfaithful to them???? I mean - if it should be easy for one spouse, wouldn't it be just as easy for the other spouse? It's not easy -and that is the fallacy in your logic.

 

 

NEVER said it was easy. My mother could have left and if she had to get a second job it would have been better than being disrespected.

 

My father is greedy. He wants it all. Money,look like a good family man, and brag about not leaving his kids and being a good father.

 

 

As for people who have an affair partner, would you actually not say even if he does have to dish out a certain percentage of his salary, if he and OW(who usually is met at work) can make up for it it with her salary?

 

I would gather if he or she is willing to destroy his family it better be for more than just sex. But a relationship he is 100% sure will end up being permanent.

[jlola]

I can see that it makes no sense to you - hence your frustration with it. Like I said, not everyone looks at these things the same way that you do. My exMM was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for his children and their sake - even though in the end it proved that they really were better off with the divorce - he couldn't KNOW that before hand and it freaked him out. He didn't want to "mess his kids up".

 

In an adult world, the children wouldn't know that their father or mother was having an affair - why would anyone think that a child should be privy to the inner workings of their parent's relationship? They can't handle that information, nor should they have to. So, having an affair - that the children aren't privy to and aren't affected by - vs getting a divorce which of course is in the child's face and directly affects them - two completely different things.

 

 

.

 

You bring some pretty bad vibes and karma into your home when you are having an affair. So please again explain how you don't want to mess the kids up?

 

The energy, the toxic behavior? A woman always feels something is off and kids know when their mothers are feeling emotional pain.Even though they may not realize it.

 

I used to get up and go to the bathroom at night and see my mother sitting by the kitchen window looking sad. I would see her making such an effort to be there for us emotionally. To give us a smile, a hug.I wonder if my father or OW even thought how destructive it was to her.

 

The selfishness was in not telling my mother goodbye and dangling the carrot when she had enough. I cannot believe a wife or husband MAKEs a spouse stay. It would have been more humane to let her go. Eventually, my mother would have gotten over it. Over him. But cheaters play games and forget to tell OW/OM what really is going on. My father was too jealous to let another man have a chance of being faithful to his beautiful suffering wife.

 

My sisters and I always speak of how men would react to her. I know men who were raised with her who would say she is just about the most beautiful woman inside and out they have even seen. But my father with the help of whoever he could lure,destroyed this beautiful woman who began to think even if,even if she left him. All men are going to cheat anyway.

 

She tried telling me that once. I told her no, "men do not cheat". Only coward little boys who want to have their home and their girlfriends.

[jlola]

I've worked with A LOT of men, on numerous occasions and at all different times in my life. All different walks of life. And the story was always the same. Miserable at home. Staying for comfort, convenience, finances, children, etc. and have also heard the "she's not that bad" response or my favorite "it is what it is"....None were actively working on their marriages or relationships that I could see and were just simply okay with being content. I've seen and heard about it with them. As well as very close friends and a hell of a lot of family. I can see now working on my own R how easy it is to do. I don't want to be that person. It happens all the time, and I am sick of being told otherwise.

 

Thank you, a relationship takes work. But I think some people feel it should not. Men as well as women get lazy. If you don't work on your marriage, if all you can see is the negative in your spouse and compare them to the "fantasy" you see in your affair partner, things will go south pretty quick.

[thefooloftheyear]

Why?...Its NOT easy..

 

And looking at it from a mans perspective, if he is the primary earner(unless he is super wealthy), he is now forced to give up the nice home life for some little crappy apartment, his wages are garnished, he gets limited access to his kids, etc...Some states allow for LIFETIME alimony. How about spending the rest of your life paying for a spouse that you were miserable with? Many divorced women wind up staying in the house and collecting alimony and child support. Sure, its no picnic for them either but when you really get down to it... Its just friggin hard. Heck, even if you throw all the financial crap out the window, many men dont want to be alienated from their kids.

 

My parents eventually divorced after we were older(late teens). My mom left on a few occasions and I dont begrudge her that, but even as miserable as it was, it was always somewhat better when my mom stayed in the house. Unless its really bad(domestic violence, etc)..Then its better together than apart-even in a dysfunctional scenario- at least inmy experience.

 

I do however believe that if it really is dead, you owe it to yourself(man or woman) to figure out a way to leave. Hopefully the divorced man/woman do whatever they can to make it as pleasant as a divorce can possibly be. Unfortunately that usually never happens..

 

TFOY

[jlola]

 

The system is broken - and the favor goes to women, not men. Men aren't stupid, they KNOW this... of course that's why they only ask for divorce when there is absolutely NO OTHER choice - why would they willingly participate in something they know is going to work out unfairly towards them? And not just WS men either - men who haven't done a thing "wrong" will stay in a marriage long after they want to for the exact same reasons - no fault divorce works out in theory and on in paper, in reality it is always "man fault and woman wins"... the statistics are there for anyone to look up. If I was a man, I would never get married - it's a lose/lose for most of them - the lucky few that end up in a workable marriage is a very small percentage - and the rest? Well, they may as well be up a creek without a paddle - that's why women push for marriage and men run from it - the whole system needs to be revamped.

 

Funny, statistics say when the wife is having an affair, then the man will most likely file for divorce. So men will divorce , Just not if they are in an affair and madly in love with the OW. Only if the wife is cheating and bruises his ego.

 

I could actually see my father doing that. Any excuse he used for staying in the marriage would have gone out the window if my mother cheated and bruised his macho pride.

[jlola]

Why?...Its NOT easy..

 

And looking at it from a mans perspective, if he is the primary earner(unless he is super wealthy), he is now forced to give up the nice home life for some little crappy apartment, his wages are garnished, he gets limited access to his kids, etc...Some states allow for LIFETIME alimony. How about spending the rest of your life paying for a spouse that you were miserable with?

I do however believe that if it really is dead, you owe it to yourself(man or woman) to figure out a way to leave. Hopefully the divorced man/woman do whatever they can to make it as pleasant as a divorce can possibly be. Unfortunately that usually never happens..

 

TFOY

 

So you want to be with the "Love of your life" but, you don't want any consequences?

 

I have always thought if a man as having an affair and left. His OW most likely had a job and income or was getting child support. So even if he does leave the wife, his loss of income is somehow "compensated" by the OW's income.

 

I am saying this only to those who claim MM and they are meant to be. So why cry over a few dollars he may lose?

 

I know a man who is divorced,shares custody of his kids. oops wrong, I know 2 men who are divorced and share custody. One married a woma who makes 4x his money. She is an agent. The Other man married a woman who also makes more. (noone married due to affair). But even paying out child support, these men are still in a 2 income household and much better off than hen they were married.

 

I do not advocate staying in a bad marriage or relationship. Never! But if you stay, it is on you. Stop playing the victim.

[eleanorrigby]

If you are going to sacrifice your happiness for your children, or the house, or the dog, do a full sacrifice and not the half assed one.

 

You've sacrificed happiness for the sake of your precious children (or precious 401K, or precious salt water fish tank that took 5 years to get just right and you'll be damned if that biatch takes it!!)

 

You decided your kids were more important than having sex and being happy, so why are you sneaking around trying to get some sex and happiness when that was given up in the "Save The Marriage" ritual?

[Silly_Girl]

I stayed for 8 years in a relationship that should have ended after 8 months.

 

Five years in I knew it could never be a happy ending for me.

 

Often we mere humans muddle through, best we can, juggling various balls and managing various crises...

 

It's very easy to judge though, when you're on the outside looking in.

[AnotherRound]

Why?...Its NOT easy..

 

And looking at it from a mans perspective, if he is the primary earner(unless he is super wealthy), he is now forced to give up the nice home life for some little crappy apartment, his wages are garnished, he gets limited access to his kids, etc...Some states allow for LIFETIME alimony. How about spending the rest of your life paying for a spouse that you were miserable with? Many divorced women wind up staying in the house and collecting alimony and child support. Sure, its no picnic for them either but when you really get down to it... Its just friggin hard. Heck, even if you throw all the financial crap out the window, many men dont want to be alienated from their kids.

 

My parents eventually divorced after we were older(late teens). My mom left on a few occasions and I dont begrudge her that, but even as miserable as it was, it was always somewhat better when my mom stayed in the house. Unless its really bad(domestic violence, etc)..Then its better together than apart-even in a dysfunctional scenario- at least inmy experience.

 

I do however believe that if it really is dead, you owe it to yourself(man or woman) to figure out a way to leave. Hopefully the divorced man/woman do whatever they can to make it as pleasant as a divorce can possibly be. Unfortunately that usually never happens..

 

TFOY

 

Agreed. Like I said many times, affairs are not the answer imo, and most couples at that point would seem to be better off divorcing - but the unknown is scarier for most people, no matter how miserable the known is - that's just human nature. Once someone has been divorced, the odds of them being divorced again goes up. Why? Because they've already tackled that mountain, it is no longer unknown, and they know that they can do it. Once it's known, it's "easier".

 

And, it's my opinion, that it is usually BETTER for the children that their parents get divorced - but try telling married people with kids that. I mean, of course they hesitate - it's a HUGE step in life and one that they have no idea the effects it will have on their children. I can absolutely understand the hesitation. In my divorce, even without children, it was a hard decision and one that was fear inducing. So, add children to that and it only makes sense that people wouldn't choose divorce in the spur of the moment - at least not people with any ability to understand the possible consequences.

 

In my exMMs case, his children are doing better post divorce - and he and his now exW are relieved - bc they both knew that it could have the opposite effect on their children. Thankfully, their children are flourishing and thriving - but anyone with a lick of sense knows that may not have been the case. So, of course they avoided it at all costs - what good parent wouldn't?

 

It all depends on the home life. In exMMs case, they tried to be careful and not argue around the children - but realistically, that is almost impossible. Not to mention, what is unsaid, children feel, they are quite intuitive little people. So, the stress level now that they are divorced and separated is seriously decreased and the children are more relaxed - again, thankfully, that's how it worked out for them and their children. It doesn't always, and they were aware of this.

 

So, in their world, an open-ish marriage, although not ideal, was the best option for them at the time. Was it the right decision? Who knows - for them at the time, yes. Looking back? Probably not - but hindsight - ya know? Everything works out the way it is supposed to - and looking back, the divorce for them has been okay. The main thing is that their children are better than okay - and again and again, thankfully that's how that worked out. I know that exMM and his exW both now look back and wish that they had divorced sooner - but again, hindsight.

 

Human nature is a hard thing to overcome. We stick with what we know bc it's known and less scary - right or wrong, it is what it is. Some of us have been through the wringer, so there isn't a new experience waiting, and so we know that we can handle it and there are few unknowns in the world. But others haven't had those experiences - so the fact that they hesitate doesn't make me look down on them, but more, have respect for them for choosing wisely, trying to avoid bad consequences - although with my experience I see that it will probably be fine, they don't have that experience. Everyone has to learn for themselves - it's not something that is teachable - we have to experience it to know it. Once we know it we often find that our fear was much more severe than warranted.

[thefooloftheyear]

So you want to be with the "Love of your life" but, you don't want any consequences?

 

I have always thought if a man as having an affair and left. His OW most likely had a job and income or was getting child support. So even if he does leave the wife, his loss of income is somehow "compensated" by the OW's income.

 

I am saying this only to those who claim MM and they are meant to be. So why cry over a few dollars he may lose?

 

I know a man who is divorced,shares custody of his kids. oops wrong, I know 2 men who are divorced and share custody. One married a woma who makes 4x his money. She is an agent. The Other man married a woman who also makes more. (noone married due to affair). But even paying out child support, these men are still in a 2 income household and much better off than hen they were married.

 

I do not advocate staying in a bad marriage or relationship. Never! But if you stay, it is on you. Stop playing the victim.

 

Nowhere did I say I didnt or wouldnt want any "consequences". And yes, these days there are women who make a large amount of money. So I would imagine that would be a mitigating factor. That being said, the scales are tipped against the man. Just the facts, thats all.

 

Let me say this as a man as well. No man worth his salt is going to want a new woman to "carry" him just because he has to pay alimony/child support. Its just the way I(and I am sure many other) men roll. It goes agaiinst everything we were brought up as. We are the heavies, we are supposed to provide. Not be sponges.... So to say that now everything is going to be peachy because he can be with his AP and she can carry him-think again. Some guys will take advantage of that-some just dont want to.

 

If you read the last part of my previous comment, I am actually agreeing with your point! Dont let your rage cloud your reading comprehension. Im not trying to justify anything. Just providing a viewpoint to your inquiry.

 

 

.02

 

TFOY

Edited April 16, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[AnotherRound]

I stayed for 8 years in a relationship that should have ended after 8 months.

 

Five years in I knew it could never be a happy ending for me.

 

Often we mere humans muddle through, best we can, juggling various balls and managing various crises...

 

It's very easy to judge though, when you're on the outside looking in.

 

Same. I knew almost immediately that I had made a mistake with my marriage - but I didn't want to "fail". I tried everything, and eventually had to accept that it just wasn't going to work - there were no miracles, no magical cures, it was just a bad mix he and I together. Live and learn.

 

I avoided the divorce at first, bc I was afraid of it. It was a tough thing to learn - but now I know what it is and I'm not afraid of it. In hindsight, it was the best thing I ever did - aside from had I been able to know then what I know now and never married him at all. But oh well - relationships don't always work, so goes life. I learned a LOT through the process, and it's one less boogeyman for me - divorce doesn't scare me like it did before I had one. It's a known factor for me now.

 

I always feel sad for those that stay in unhappy situations for so long bc of fear. I get it, but it's still sad. I mean, we only get one life - and the purpose of that life is not to live miserably and without contentment or fulfillment. I will never get married again - bc I think it's a broken institution - but I'm also able to look around and see that divorce for many people could honestly be the best answer - but again, I can't teach them that - they have to learn it themselves.

 

Sometimes, we just choose the wrong things, or marry for the wrong reasons - I know I did. I was young and society has pressures that most of us find it difficult to fight against - but again, live and learn. And no, I will not make that mistake again - and that's the whole point I think.

[jlola]

I stayed for 8 years in a relationship that should have ended after 8 months.

 

Five years in I knew it could never be a happy ending for me.

 

Often we mere humans muddle through, best we can, juggling various balls and managing various crises...

 

It's very easy to judge though, when you're on the outside looking in.

 

 

 

I've been on the inside. I have lived with the parent who played martyr and 'stayed" for the kids. I know how toxic this is when it comes to the home. You can try to hide it from the kids. But kids know something is off. Body language says alot and kids are very nosy.They may not know exactly what is going on at the moment. But one day they ill figure it out.

 

Even Tiger Woods was upset and humiliated when his father would cheat on his mother. Look how that turned out. Sure "don't want to mess up the kids".

 

Tiger Woods discovered his father, Earl, cheated on his mother, golfer's high school sweetheart says - NY Daily News

[Goodbye]

I am a single mother of three daughters. I left because things were BAD and I didn't want my daughters to grow up with a depressed mother. I also didn't want them to think of marriage as a prison...because that is what it had become for me. They have adjusted to the change in parenting well. They spend time with both their dad and I and are stable, loving girls.

 

My MM kept using the "I don't want to hurt my son" argument. His son is 4. He'd beg me to stay saying he was going to work out some elaborate plan to get a divorce where nobody would get hurt...not his son, not his wife. Well, guess what? That doesn't exist. But there can be peace after a divorce, so telling THIS single Mom that divorce was not possible because of one 4 year old child...didn't work. I, instead, interpreted it as "I love you, but not enough to mess up what I have here....sorry."

[jlola]

I am a single mother of three daughters. I left because things were BAD and I didn't want my daughters to grow up with a depressed mother. I also didn't want them to think of marriage as a prison...because that is what it had become for me. They have adjusted to the change in parenting well. They spend time with both their dad and I and are stable, loving girls.

 

My MM kept using the "I don't want to hurt my son" argument. His son is 4. He'd beg me to stay saying he was going to work out some elaborate plan to get a divorce where nobody would get hurt...not his son, not his wife. Well, guess what? That doesn't exist. But there can be peace after a divorce, so telling THIS single Mom that divorce was not possible because of one 4 year old child...didn't work. I, instead, interpreted it as "I love you, but not enough to mess up what I have here....sorry."

 

Thank you!!! You actually get it! Excuses are just that. Yes, there are people who stay in marriages way too long. But my question was for OW/OM who are supposedly very much in love.

 

You as a mother of 3 girls left. I wish my mother had the guts to do that. To this day I try to forgive that she allowed us to be in a situation that was toxic for everyone. She could have left, but she chose not to. I used to look for excuses for her staying because the truth was too painful to accept. She loved him more than us. It took me a long time to understand as loving and sweet as she was to us,there was something very broken in her that allowed her to stay.

[SidLyon]

None of this applies for me. ...Not everyone is making these excuses.

He has never told me that he is staying for his kids. He's got legitimate reasons to stay, and some are very selfish, but they do make sense.

They aren't shared on the board because as I said earlier I have trust issues and when I do share actual details it's all twisted.

I've also never asked him to leave. I'm the OW because I fit in his life in that aspect and he fits in my life in the role he's in.

He spends more time with his kids now that he's met me, so while he has given up something, it's not the kids.

 

LFH, I often wonder what these reasons are that you consider are so different to the "run of the mill" reasons. I don't want to twist your words, and I do accept that he has given you reasons that make sense, to you and probably him, albeit some may be very selfish. You often allude to them without elaboration; (and sorry if I've missed them in some other thread).

 

The run of the mill reasons usually relate back to image, finances, the family, kids etc.

 

Are your MM's reasons for staying married, so different to these? Are you willing to describe them generally? I promise not to criticize and hope that others won't either, even if they "disagree". They would after all be reasons he has given to you that you accept.

[AnotherRound]

I am a single mother of three daughters. I left because things were BAD and I didn't want my daughters to grow up with a depressed mother. I also didn't want them to think of marriage as a prison...because that is what it had become for me. They have adjusted to the change in parenting well. They spend time with both their dad and I and are stable, loving girls.

 

My MM kept using the "I don't want to hurt my son" argument. His son is 4. He'd beg me to stay saying he was going to work out some elaborate plan to get a divorce where nobody would get hurt...not his son, not his wife. Well, guess what? That doesn't exist. But there can be peace after a divorce, so telling THIS single Mom that divorce was not possible because of one 4 year old child...didn't work. I, instead, interpreted it as "I love you, but not enough to mess up what I have here....sorry."

 

My Mom left too. She was a hs dropout (pregnant with me at 15) and was 7 years into an abusive marriage with my bio dad. Years later she and I discussed this. Know how long it took her to leave? 7 years... the ENTIRE time of their marriage. She was young, uneducated, two young children - and scared. She had no idea what to do or where to go. It was not an easy decision for her - and it took her years to finally act on it.

 

Thing is - it WAS the best thing - but it would have been better had she never even married him - or even divorced sooner. But how could she have known that? She did the best she could with the information and energy she had - I don't hold it against her. I have empathy for people who have to make hard decisions - not judgement bc they didn't get it "sooner" or "faster" or "better".

 

To me, this is the difference. Some of us can look at other people's situations and have empathy - understanding that even though we, on the outside looking in, can see things SO clearly - for those on the inside, it is NOT clear. And it's easy - on the outside looking in - coming up with the "right" thing to do - bc guess what? Their decisions do not affect us or our children - how easy those calls are to make when you aren't the one with everything at stake, ya know!?

 

I simply accept that everyone does the best that they can. I know few people who purposely do "bad" things in their lives or make "bad" decisions in an effort to keep their lives miserable. I truly believe that everyone is doing the best that they can and that everyone wants good things in life and are making the best decisions for them at that time. Hindsight is easy - looking in at others is easy - doing it? Not easy at all (as you well know) - but for all the talking I hear from others about how others should "just do x, y, or z" they sure make it sound easy!

 

A little empathy and understanding goes a LONG way - I know that I make my decisions carefully - and sometimes, that takes time. More time than it might for someone else? Maybe- but at the end of the day, I am the one that has to live with that decision, so I have every right to take my time, feel it out, try other things - as does anyone else.

 

This isn't aimed at you - your post just brought up the thoughts. Good on you for making the best decision for you and your children.

[SidLyon]

Tried to edit my last post to add:

 

I'm asking because it's on-topic and you did choose to contribute to the discussion.

 

Also it may (or may not) be somewhat similar to my own situation in that although I'm a BW, from the e-mails i found it was very apparent that my fWH made it crystal clear to the OW that he wasn't leaving.

 

The reasons he gave the OW included, he loved his wife (me!), it was best for his children/family, he wanted the stability and security of being married. I admit to not really understanding this but these were nevertheless the reasons he gave to the OW, and they were apparently accepted. Despite this he essentially led a double life for several years and I have no doubt he loved the OW.