Reasons why they can't leave

[Finally Settled]

If the marriage is so bad,why stay? So many excuses on this board it is ridiculous. 50% of people divorce . Out of those 50% taking out the ones who stay for religious purposes and culture more would divorce.

 

So why are you still the OW if you two are so in love. I am so sick of hearing it is because o the children. If you loved the kids so much, you would not be having an affair. But taking your time to stratigically leave the "bad relationship". Noone is doing a child a favor with parents who seem to resent each other or parents who stay with alcoholics,mentally unstable people who will not take their meds,or whatever the darn excuse.

 

I wish my parents had divorced instead of using us as an excuse. Truth be told, my mother stayed because she loved my father and thought he would revert to the charming man she met ....if she was perfect,stayed beautiful,cooked,cleaned. But nothing worked( even though he was good looking, he married way out of his league in looks). He was wired wrong from the start. She just cannot see that. But OW most likely think it was her who MUST have been doing something wrong to make him cheat.

 

My father stayed because he wanted to have the image of "family man' and also because he greedily did not want to split money,property. People stay for selfish reasons. But try to justify. OM/OW repeat these reasons like they make sense. From a child raised in this madness it makes no sense but to the selfish people who want to seems like martyrs. If you really cared about your children, the affair would not be going on.

 

I find it hard to believe a good parent does not have enough on their plate with children, marriage, work(or SAHM) to keep busy. I mean I am single,no kids and I still find it difficult to make time to see someone a few times a week. The affair is taking away from something. Probably quality time with your kids!

 

In my marriage the time I took was my own. My children were old enough to have lives of their own and not need me near as they would if they were younger. For many reasons, and many years, my exwife and I hadn't spent any real amounts of time together. Finding the time and space for my other woman without affecting my family was not an issue. Looking back I see how both my exwife and I created the space between us. We both should have been more insistent and we both should have been more aware, but we were not.

 

My life was neither 'so bad' nor was it so good. I had nothing to complain about, but I also had nothing to be excited about. Do not mistake my honesty with a desire to pass off my responsibility. I am trying to tell you what the state of my life and my marriage was. I am not trying to give excuses for having an affair.

 

I told my other woman I wasn't leaving from the start and I share the reasons given by so many before me. In my mind a divorce was no more than a failure in all aspects of my life. I have a child with a health issue and I was not prepared to not be in his life ever possible moment. Add to that I was terrified of walking away from what I had known my entire adult life, and you have a man who was willing to stay home at all costs. Sadly to say, the state of the love I felt for my exwife at the time was not something that factored into my decision.

 

I think it's not unreasonable to say that the other women repeat these reasons as if it makes sense because they do make sense. I've read many betrayed spouses say they are staying for children and money, so why is it unreasonable to think a married affair partner will choose not to leave their marriage because of the same. Right or wrong, humans are creatures of habit and comfort.

 

I am sorry for such a fractured post, but I have had less time to respond than I had hoped for.

[Finally Settled]

I understand your point, but again, it comes down to being very hard to reconcile the notion that a wayward spouse doesn't want to end their marriage, yet they do the one thing that has such a high potential of having that as the final outcome...

 

If it is so important, why is a wayward spouse willing to risk it?

 

I agree it is very hard to reconcile as well Ms Sprouts. I know that for myself I was highly confident my exwife would never end things if I was found out.

[Finally Settled]

I understand your point, but again, it comes down to being very hard to reconcile the notion that a wayward spouse doesn't want to end their marriage, yet they do the one thing that has such a high potential of having that as the final outcome...

 

If it is so important, why is a wayward spouse willing to risk it?

 

I'm not trying to snipe at you, but it's pretty hard to imagine a betrayed spouse deciding not to leave if their wayward spouse says " sorry honey..I wasn't happy in our marriage but I didn't want to divorce so I had an affair instead"( different wording would be used, of course, but that is the gist)

 

I'm not disputing your reasons or wanting to stay, rather I'm pointing out why it is very difficult for a betrayed spouse to accept that line of reasoning

 

Many apologies for not responding totally in my last post, but you've added to it since I started.

 

As I have said, I did not have an affair for the sole reason that I was unhappy in my marriage. Someone unexpectedly came into my life and I chose to start a relationship with her. My options were to leave everything behind and take a chance that it would work out between us, or to stay with the comfort that my life was and piece together a relationship with my other woman.

 

I hold my hand high that I was selfish and hurtful to both of the women I cared about most. I am not proud to tell you these things, but they are my truth.

 

Regarding the bolded portions, what line of reasoning is acceptable to a betrayed spouse? Is what I've written that much different to what most reconciling cheating spouses say to their own spouses? They may doctor it up and offer an apology in every other sentence, but are the actual meanings any different? What reasons are given that are different or more acceptable to the betrayed?

 

It is my turn to assure you I am not sniping.

Edited April 18, 2013 by Finally Settled
Additional thoughts

[heartinlove]

I so appreciate this whole thread and especially Anotherround and Coricoco. I stopped coming here to this board because I get frustrated when it gets dominated with peoples opinion who just cant believe that staying for the children and the family unit is a valid and monumental part of the reason why some MM stay.

 

Its been very helpful to read hear today. I really believe it is not good for children to stay in marriage where the parents are not happy. I too come from a marriage where I wished my parents would get divorced. My mother tried many times and my father found numerous ways to make sure that never happened. I grew up in a hostile environment and that was not healthy. My mother later remarried an amazing man. My stepfather divorced his wife of 25 years and stayed an extra 15 years before he worked up the courage to leave. His later years married to my mother were the happiest of his life. His children grew to love my mother as well despite the initial hostility of a divorce. This all shaped my views to not stay in an unhappy marriage for children.

 

I however have been with an MM who comes from a background that says stay together no matter what and divorce will mess up your children forever. He has tried to overcome those fears but it plagues him as does dealing with the guilt of the hurt he will cause his entire family if he leaves including his wife.

 

I have to make peace with the reality that he may ultimately choose that. But its difficult to come here to this board when you're struggling and hear how no one stays for the children and thats just a lie. Some people have the courage to leave marriages and know their children will flourish, some don't. I fell in love with someone who may end up being the latter. I hope he does end up choosing his happiness and authenticity and believe that is best for all, his wife, his children too. But like anotherround said, people learn that on their own. Hes the one with real children that hes concerned for and i get his struggle completely.

Edited April 20, 2013 by heartinlove

[AnotherRound]

I so appreciate this whole thread and especially Anotherround and Coricoco. I stopped coming here to this board because I get frustrated when it gets dominated with peoples opinion who just cant believe that staying for the children and the family unit is a valid and monumental part of the reason why some MM stay.

 

Its been very helpful to read hear today. I really believe it is not good for children to stay in marriage where the parents are not happy. I too come from a marriage where I wished my parents would get divorced. My mother tried many times and my father found numerous ways to make sure that never happened. I grew up in a hostile environment and that was not healthy. My mother later remarried an amazing man. My stepfather divorced his wife of 25 years and stayed an extra 15 years before he worked up the courage to leave. His later years married to my mother were the happiest of his life. His children grew to love my mother as well despite the initial hostility of a divorce. This all shaped my views to not stay in an unhappy marriage for children.

 

I however have been with an MM who comes from a background that says stay together no matter what and divorce will mess up your children forever. He has tried to overcome those fears but it plagues him as does dealing with the guilt of the hurt he will cause his entire family if he leaves including his wife.

 

I have to make peace with the reality that he may ultimately choose that. But its difficult to come here to this board when you're struggling and hear how no one stays for the children and thats just a lie. Some people have the courage to leave marriages and know their children will flourish, some don't. I fell in love with someone who may end up being the latter. I hope he does end up choosing his happiness and authenticity and believe that is best for all, his wife, his children too. But like anotherround said, people learn that on their own. Hes the one with real children that hes concerned for and i get his struggle completely.

 

I'm glad you found my post helpful.

 

I think you nailed it with the "hostile environment". I tried, for years, to explain the effects of this to exMM on children, but he truly did believe that divorce would harm his children MORE than that - and honestly was convinced that his children were unaware of the hostility between he and his now exW.

 

Since his divorce, he and his children have had lengthy discussions, and guess what? He was wrong... He called me once and said, "Okay, you were right. Why didn't I listen to you?". And I said, "Because you had to get there on your own". It's true - he had to, as did his exW. They both love their children tremendously, and they both wanted to do what was best for them - and that is honorable and admirable. Thing is, they were too close to it to see that what they were doing was NOT the best - now they see it, but without a guarantee that their children would be happy and well adjusted, neither wanted to be the one to rock that boat - neither wanted that on their conscience, for sure!

 

And, the children were much more aware than either exMM or his exW gave them credit for. That has all come out too since the divorce. ExMM still worries about his kids and the effects of the divorce - he sometimes worries that there is something festering, that he just isn't seeing the effects of yet. He honestly believed that children from divorced homes "end up in prison" !!!! That's the way he was raised, in a conservative and very christian area - where they don't "allow" for divorce under ANY circumstance, but especially not because you and your spouse aren't in love anymore. They believe that you should force it, or fake it until you make it - even if you NEVER make it, that you hold that vow forever, no matter what. Ugh!

 

So, every now and then, exMM will call me and ask me if something his kids say or do is pointing to some huge reaction from the divorce - so far, nothing he has described to me has. He is now dealing with teenagers, he is fairly new to that, and honestly, is quite naive about teenagers and what beasts they can be... lol. So, he still needs a lot of reassurance that his kids aren't "screwed up", that they are fine and functioning and adjusting well.

 

This is his big hesitation about dating anyone right now. He feels like, since his kids came through the divorce so well, he is afraid to add anything to that. He is now worried that dating someone besides their mother will negatively affect them - and he feels so blessed that they are adjusting to the divorce so well that he is hesitant to test the universe with this one and risk, again, in his mind, his children's well being.

 

I really can't take stock in anyone who tells me that this man does not love his children, or that he didn't stay in the marriage for them. I KNOW him - and I can see how much he loves them, and how hard he works to keep them safe and happy and insure that they are well adjusted and loved. I KNOW he stayed for them - no matter what anyone else says, there is not a single doubt in my mind about this one. I can see his continued concern about them and their happiness and their safety and their well-being -

 

So, doubters say what they want. Sometimes it is because they need/want to believe that MM stay for the wives (and that's probably true sometimes) - so they maybe think that by saying the biggest motivation for staying is the kids is some kind of slam against the wives - but the truth is the truth. No, it's not the truth for all MM, of course not - but it IS the truth for many many people in this world who stay in a relationship that they don't want.

[thecharade]

He considered leaving but couldn't. Why?

 

"I want to see my kids everyday. We would probably have yours living with us, but mine wouldn't be."

 

"You don't know her. She would not make this easy."

 

"She hasn't done anything wrong."

 

"I'm scared. I'm too scared, and I'm too weak."

 

"Everyone likes her. No one would ever understand."

 

"Where would we live? Where would we have holidays?"

 

"You'd get sick of me like you're sick of your husband, and then I'd have no one."

 

"You don't really want me, you just think you do."

 

"Everyone would hate us."

 

"We'd still have these people in our lives forever, except they'd be ex's and angry."

 

My ex-guy was very honest and really struggled, and sadly, I knew he was right. We would have traded one type of heartache for another. He really loved me, and it's all sad. "Tragic" was his word.

[Praying4Peace]

He considered leaving but couldn't. Why?

 

"I want to see my kids everyday. We would probably have yours living with us, but mine wouldn't be."

 

"You don't know her. She would not make this easy."

 

"She hasn't done anything wrong."

 

"I'm scared. I'm too scared, and I'm too weak."

 

"Everyone likes her. No one would ever understand."

 

"Where would we live? Where would we have holidays?"

 

"You'd get sick of me like you're sick of your husband, and then I'd have no one."

 

"You don't really want me, you just think you do."

 

"Everyone would hate us."

 

"We'd still have these people in our lives forever, except they'd be ex's and angry."

 

My ex-guy was very honest and really struggled, and sadly, I knew he was right. We would have traded one type of heartache for another. He really loved me, and it's all sad. "Tragic" was his word.

 

Wow. This could have been written by me word for word. exMM said all of these and you know what, they are all true. He was always worried that I would leave him one day and then he wouldn't have anything. Gosh, every single one of those reasons was discussed. There's no answer. It's torture to hear those reasons, know they love you and that there's nothing you can do. I am the optimistic type and think that all problems can eventually be worked through given time and patience.

 

This post today made me so sad. I just walked away from the A. We both did. It still hurts like hell 4 months later. Thanks for posting.

[Silly_Girl]

 

Excuses are grasped at regularly by the weak.

 

You really have no idea.

[thefooloftheyear]

I was pregnant, with a dependent child, jobless, still in school, had no insurance but his, in a religious family where divorce was anathema, in an immigrant culture where virginity was mandatory, standing to lose my home, all my belongings, my vehicle, EVERYTHING. Guess what? I left... My marriage was so bad I would have rather slept on the streets, and starved to death with my children than to give that wretch one more moment of my time.

 

If a marriage is REALLY bad, NOTHING, and I mean absolutely nothing, will stop you from walking out that door.

 

Excuses are exactly that: excuses. When the marriage is truly unbearable, it shall not be beared. It really IS that simple.

 

Good grief....How much do we have to beat this horse?

 

The point is that is YOUR experience....If it worked out for YOU , great. Do you really think that people dont stay in HORRENDOUS marriages for kids or finances? If you think none you are just not seeing reality.

 

To sit and cast judgement on anyone else is just ridiculous.

 

 

The reality is that some people have different *thresholds" than others. What one deems unbearable another sees as a compromise or a "lesser of two evils". Its as simple as that and I really dont know why this is such a hard concept to grasp...Its so obvious.

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

I wanted to add this to my previous post, but couldnt because someone already posted...

 

Before anyone says anything yes, I know an EMA is a damaging thing to a relationship and kids...But then again so is bankruptcy, the dissolving of the family unit(no matter how dysfunctional), and alienation of contact with children...

 

Its a bad deal all the way around..

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

There are many betrayed spouses and others who have decided to end their marriages under extremely difficult circumstances...you are not alone. There are more than a few posters on here who have made the decision to leave and face conditions that the rest of us may wonder just how they made it...but they did

 

I'm not saying that I'm all that bad off...yes, there are some things that would have made divorce very difficult, but in the end, if my husband hadn't ended his affair and gotten the help that he did, I would have ended it. It wouldn't have been good for my children for us to stay together...as he was acting like such a knob, and his other woman was, well, there's a saying around here that someone with issue is "six bricks short of a load", well, that's her. She wouldn't have been fit to be around my kids.

 

It would have meant that things would be very hard for me for at least a little while ( I would have done whatever I could to not have it impact my kids)...but in the end, we would be fine.

 

My husband knew I was ready to do this, and I didn't want him staying if he;d rather be somewhere else...and he chose to stay. He got the help he needed to work through his issues...

 

I am always incredulous when I read stories about how terrible it is at home for the married person, their spouse is abusive, is a substance abuser, whatever and they can't leave their kids to face that alone, etc. So they stay and cheat.

 

Seriously...it's so bad that you'll use it an excuse to cheat, but not as an incentive to leave and get your kids into a healthier more stable place in their life? You don't want to divorce and be with the other man/woman in a "normal relationship" , yet you'll do the one thing that cold lead to divorce?

 

I could understand the logic ( not agree with it, but understand it) if the marriage wasn't terrible, or the betrayed spouse was a stable person and maybe things just got kind of stale...the risk of being in an affair might seem to outweigh not being in one...if the affair was found out and divorce happened, it wouldn't be wonderful but it wouldn't be terrible either...but under other circumstances come on...it makes no sense...what does it say about a person that their spouse is so god d@mned awful and abusive and whatever that they make GW Bush look like Ghandi, yet they will not get their children out of there...instead they cheat and face the risk of things imploding in a way that has a really high potential of being 100% worse than things could ever be if they just left, especially when they've got someone " on the outside' who loves them and who is ready, willing and able to be there for them should they decide to leave?

 

 

 

Does the logic of staying in this sort of relationship really make any sense to anyone?

 

Could it be that maybe things aren't quite as bad as they would have everyone believe, and that maybe he reason they don't leave is it's just plain easier to stay and they really are too "comfy" to go?

 

 

With all due respect....

 

No one can say what someone else could or would do, especially when kids are at stake. Its NOT "comfy". As a matter of fact, it can be downright excrutiating.

 

Heck, I dont drink. But there are several guys I know that work hard, long hours because they are absolutely MISERABLE in their marriages. Why do I bring up the drinking? Its that ironically many of these same guys sit around after work and drown their problems in alcohol because they are powerless to make a change. If you ask them why, almost to a man they say its the kids.

 

Is it right? I can't say. Only they can say whats right or wrong in their world.

 

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

In which case a ws then values money over their ap.

 

Kids are a bull crap excuse. If a person is SO concerned about raising kids properly they won't spend time away from them to screw someone other than their parent. They won't model treacherous behavior, and if the idea of a dissolution to family was SO distressing to them to begin with they wouldn't be engaging in behaviors that threaten the children's family in the first place!

 

The reality? They want the IMAGE (which is false) of being a good parent more than they want the AP.

 

My ex told his ow I was abusive towards the kids and he wanted to stay to ensure they were raised well. So who was watching the kids while he banged her? Oh, abusive me! Why wasn't he running with the kids to shield them from me and taking off with the ow to give them a non abusive mother figure? Reality check: because he wanted BOTH. He LIED to gain her sympathy, he didn't give a crap about the kids. He was diddling her while I was giving birth. Some concerned dad there, didn't even know his child was born!

 

Much sympathy to you...sounds like a terrible situation.

 

Just dont use that brush to paint every scenario into the same picture. Affairs ARENT all the same. Sorry. The only constant is that EMA's are wrong. Everything else is fluid...

 

Sure, an EMA is damaging to a marital relationship. Heavily so. So is gambling away life savings, drug/alcohol addiction, abandonment, etc. So what you are saying is that whenever a human being makes a grave mistake, then the only option is to toss everything out the window? Again, I wont make a judgement on anyone's scenario.

 

PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. IT WONT ALWAYS SIT WELL WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

 

No its not all about money. You chose to cherry pick that one item. Look at the whole picture.

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

What does your example prove? That there's more than one way to be a crappy poor excuse of a parent? How is a father and husband who spends all of his time working or getting drunk doing his family any service? Your scenario does nothing to further your argument but I will say it is a perfect example of another way a person might cowardly and pathetically blame their wife and kids for how they choose to live their lives. Being an absent parent and a heavy drinker is nothing to admire yet they manage to spin it to look like they are some kind of a hero for staying married and then abandoning their children in order to work and get drunk. A guy who spends every night getting sh*t faced and then blaming that behaviour on his kids, because he can't leave them but he never sees them because he's always working and drinking? How lame.

 

 

You missed the point entirely....Of course I am not justifying it. Of course its bad behavior. I dont want to argue the point here. Its sill, because I actually agree with the points you all are making.

 

That being said....

 

Some people DONT leave for the sake of their kids!! Now, you can say that what good does it do to kid(s) to see their parents in unfavorable conditions. Valid point and I AGREE. But I will say that there are some people that just cant stand the idea of custody arrangements, financial hardships and all other negative factors that surround divorce.

 

The point is who is anyone to say what the "threshold" of pain they are willing to endure or inflict? That is entirely up to them and what they feel works.

 

TFOY

Edited April 22, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[thefooloftheyear]

You are missing the point. The drinking absent father is not staying for the sake of his kids. How can being a heavy drinker be for the sake of the children? He is staying for his own selfish lazy reasons as bolded above, because he doesn't want to go to the work, trouble or sacrafice of turning his life around and really becoming a good parent and role model for his children. He wants to shirk that responsibility in favor of hanging out with his buddies every night and getting drunk. Staying married is actually a benefit to him because he has someone taking care of his kids anytime he doesn't feel like going home. Yeah I bet that guy doesn't want shared custody arrangements! That would mean he'd actually have to pass on the drinking, go home after work and take care of his children. Much more fun having the old ball and chain at home doing all of the work and picking up all of his slack so he can cry in his beer to his buddies. And he does it all for the sake of kids...poor guy.

 

AGAIN..YOU ARE CORRECT AND I AGREE!!!

 

They arent happy...They are miserable. They see their lives as a dead end street. In their eyes divorce is just not an option because no matter how bad it is, the alternative is WORSE. Thats the bottom line. YOU and others see it(a divorce) as a some great new beginning with all flowers, confetti and fanfare. They see it as a disaster. Who knows, there might also be a religious slant as well. I dont know as I dont live that life. I just know some that do.

 

And you are also making a HUGE assumption that the "ball and chain" is Mother of the Year. Could she not be a miserable wretch of a woman that doesnt do any of the things you say? Is that at all a possibility here?

 

Why cant some people just accept the fact that some people dont divorce unless there is an absolute gun to their head. Its NOT right. But I dont quarrel or judge those folks either.

 

Hell, I think its NUTS to spend your entire life in a dead end job. Most people spend more time at work than they ever do at home. Yet they trudge on year after year and never leave, They'll say its because of the money. With that logic everyone should quit their job if it isnt pleasant. Circumstances just dont dictate that its feasible...Admittedly, I know its not a really good analogy, but its a similar point just the same.

[thefooloftheyear]

If that WERE true, that would be even MORE reason for dad to "man up" and get the kids out of that environment. But, no. People make it way too easy for someone to whine about their lot in life and find an escape instead of telling them to make changes for the sake of their children.

 

 

Again....

 

This is wearing me out, frankly...

 

YOU are assuming that its best to make changes(divorce) for the "sake of the children"..So tell me this. How is leaving the "damaged" wife (who will get primary custody of said kids..someone has to pay the bills, no?)., so he can go and find whats best for him a better deal? It very well might be going from the frying pan right into the fire... Is that "manning up"??

 

Divorce, especially when there are kids involved is very complex and full of emotion. Its unfair to make blanket statements about what someone should or should not do. All situations differ. What works for some doesnt for others...

 

Thats all I have been trying to say..I wish I could delete all previous posts...I cant or I would...

 

Be well everyone.

[thefooloftheyear]

I know all about divorce with children. Been there, done that. It went actually better for me afterword and, no, not because I "took him to the cleaners." The split was pretty much 50/50 as that's the law now that we're no longer in the 1950's, and I had more of the financial burden as I earned more than he did. I got a mere pittance for child support. But it was WAY more important to me that my child see an example of a good relationship rather than suffer through a bad one or find my own selfish escape from reality while ignoring my child.

 

Often the good and right thing results in taking the more difficult path. It's called integrity.

 

Im glad it worked out for you...

 

My mother left my father(was a bad situation-no ema though).and he was incapable of taking care of us. She returned just before we were about to be homeless. We, siblings and I, would have probably wound up living with relatives or in foster homes. She came back and even though it was unpleasant stayed until we all left the house...They then split up.

 

Would you call her integrity into question as well??

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I know what I did. I took the difficult path of single motherhood because I KNEW I would take care of my child. I KNEW I would put my child before my selfish wants.

 

Ok,,,But you didnt answer my question...=

 

 

Its great, you had money, a good job, and some level of support coming in. What if you had three kids under 5 years old, was 26 years old, no drivers license, no job, little education, etc.. Would that potentially change how you viewed things? I would think so....

 

I get it...I really do. I understand completely your point.

[AnotherRound]

Again....

 

This is wearing me out, frankly...

 

YOU are assuming that its best to make changes(divorce) for the "sake of the children"..So tell me this. How is leaving the "damaged" wife (who will get primary custody of said kids..someone has to pay the bills, no?)., so he can go and find whats best for him a better deal? It very well might be going from the frying pan right into the fire... Is that "manning up"??

 

Divorce, especially when there are kids involved is very complex and full of emotion. Its unfair to make blanket statements about what someone should or should not do. All situations differ. What works for some doesnt for others...

 

Thats all I have been trying to say..I wish I could delete all previous posts...I cant or I would...

 

Be well everyone.

 

Don't get worn out, some of us see what you are saying. Some of us realize that everyone is different, and that some people see divorce as the WORST thing that could ever happen to their children. I've seen it, I've lived it - we know it exists.

 

Yes, the WS WANTS to stay - their reasons are as varied as their are people in this world. We all weigh things out against our fears and what we know and make our decisions. No, it doesn't make them parent of the year every time - but sometimes, it does make them a better parent in their own mind, to stay and "deal with" a miserable marriage.

 

Again, I hear you.

[secretlady76]

What about those who wait until the children are grown and then divorce? At what age do they see it as acceptable? 16, 18, 40?!! What message is that giving the children? Will the children see their whole childhood as a lie, where their parents played 'happy families' only to split up the minute they left the family home?

 

I know of someone whose parents split when he was 20. The effects for him were devastating. He took to drink, he spiralled out of control. It affected close relationships that he had with his then partner. The reason why he was so badly affected was they way in which the parents divorced. It was so badly handled.

 

In conclusion I would say that you would have to wait until your children had experienced long term relationships and the work it takes to keep them alive before they would actually understand and appreciate how difficult it can be. How they would understand why people consider divorce. However this is unworkable. Are you willing to stay in a miserable marriage for that long?

 

The key here is management. How you manage the exit of the marriage for the sake of the children. To do it in a way that they feel safe, comforted, stable and happy regardless of what is going on between the parents. Everyone deserves happiness but not at the price of another person. If done properly then the demise of a marriage can cause minimal impact on those who we hold dear; namely the children.

Edited April 22, 2013 by secretlady76

[Got it]

What about those who wait until the children are grown and then divorce? At what age do they see it as acceptable? 16, 18, 40?!! What message is that giving the children? Will the children see their whole childhood as a lie, where their parents played 'happy families' only to split up the minute they left the family home?

 

I know of someone whose parents split when he was 20. The effects for him were devastating. He took to drink, he spiralled out of control. It affected close relationships that he had with his then partner. The reason why he was so badly affected was they way in which the parents divorced. It was so badly handled.

 

In conclusion I would say that you would have to wait until your children had experienced long term relationships and the work it takes to keep them alive before they would actually understand and appreciate how difficult it can be. How they would understand why people consider divorce. However this is unworkable. Are you willing to stay in a miserable marriage for that long?

 

The key here is management. How you manage the exit of the marriage for the sake of the children. To do it in a way that they feel safe, comforted, stable and happy regardless of what is going on between the parents. Everyone deserves happiness but not at the price of another person. If done properly then the demise of a marriage can cause minimal impact on those who we hold dear; namely the children.

 

That is what my parents did, divorced when the oldest was 18. And I will say that it was a relief and really the final awaited death breath. We were aware they were not in a good marriage and not happy at all. We were in the middle of a great deal of arguing, fighting, and resentment, and I can't imagine divorce being that much worse even younger.

 

But they divorced, and it was fairly quiet ending. They actually have a much better relationship now, we still do family holidays together, etc. and a good deal of interactions. Ending the marriage allowed a lot of the resentment/frustration to dissipate as they had less obligations towards each other. So their shared interests, political views, and sense of humor was able to come through without so many strings attached.

 

So people are just not meant to be married together. My parents are great individually but not paired up with each other. I don't think they should have ever married, they both met on the rebound from prior relationships and married. They just weren't a good fit.

 

I recognized in college that my parents were still human (I know crazy, huh ), and made the same mistakes that I did and just because they were older didn't mean that they necessarily knew better. But they tried, they dealt with their own issues, especially childhood issues, and muddled through. I had a lot of anger towards them, especially my mom when I was a teenager, and hitting this point of realization, allowed me to accept my non-disney life, appreciate the good things, learn from the bad, and let go of the anger and resentment. I didn't want to stay anger so I had to let it go for myself. I get from them what I can and I accept that is as good as it gets. I know they love me the best they can even if it's not in a Leave It To Beaver way.

[Act Two]

Again....

 

 

Divorce, especially when there are kids involved is very complex and full of emotion. Its unfair to make blanket statements about what someone should or should not do. All situations differ. What works for some doesnt for others...

.

 

Well said. It is kind of tiring to keep reading, "well, if someone wants out, they will get out."

 

It's an oversimplification of a very complex issue. Research on the effects of divorce on children is inconclusive, but leans to the idea that no matter how unhappy mom and dad are romantically, the kids don't care. They benefit if mom and dad are in the same home together, unless it is high conflict.

 

So what are an unhappy mom and dad to do? Be selfish and split?

 

Incidentally, I'm on a facebook support group for separated/divorced women, and one woman who left a situation she clearly needed to leave (alcoholic/abusive ex) was wondering if she was better off at home with home rather than the shelter she is applying to get into because the only place she can afford right now is with her parents and brother who openly does drugs in front of her children. Many women who have left chimed in with a similar sentiment because life post-divorce is very, very hard financially and on the kids.

 

So, "if they wanted to leave, they would leave" and boiling it down to that is offensively simplistic to the women like the ones in my group.

 

Sometimes it is hard to know if it is bad enough to get out, and which scenario will do the least amount of harm.

[Act Two]

A truth hard to hear may very well be unpleasant. If they want to leave, they will. Simple but true.

 

Again, I don't think that is under dispute. The actual question is, why leave or why stay?

[thefooloftheyear]

If things are so bad that divorce is not an option, then how on earth does doing the one thing that could lead to a divorce make any sense?

 

It can be both ways...

 

Simple..Because people have been doing irrational and stupid things since we as humanoids have been walking upright.

 

TFY

[Act Two]

The actual question is irrelevant to the fact that the WS CHOOSES to stay. That's the point being made: at the end of the day no matter what the ws claims leaving is more horrifying than staying for then or else they would go...

 

I don't think it is irrelevant or there would not be 12 pages discussing an obvious statement such as "if they wanted to, they would go."

[Got it]

The "reasons" why they stay are built up as impossible barriers because ow/m need to believe it. Just like they need to believe they have no reason to respect other people's marriage, deny the pain infidelity causes, etc.

 

I don't think it is just the OW/OM who "needs to believe it". There are many that stay in situations that others look at and shake their head wondering what are they doing. Fear is the biggest motivator for stagnant and many adults allow fear, of the unknown, of change, of disappointing others, to not making decisions that are in their best interest.

 

So, why then, do they have an affair? Because they are playing the odds that no one will know and so they are able to put a band aid on the bigger issues, meet their own needs, while still having the facade of meeting everyone else's. In the big picture, probably not the best way in handling it but in the moment, looking only one step ahead, it seems like if one can keep the juggling act up, everyone is happy.

 

While I was in the affair I believed that if one wanted to leave they would and I have a very short fuse and acceptance level of why dMM was staying for even the short while he was. What I have learned now? He had some VERY valid concerns and even without the affair the divorce would be contentious. So his fears about his kids, etc. while I did not appreciate the concern, has been driven home now.

 

So I get that many do not agree with the fears and reason, I didn't with my own father and we have gone around and around for years about why they didn't divorce earlier. But I am not arrogant enough to tell him that he was wrong just because I don't agree.