Reasons why they can't leave

[SunshineToday]

There is no valid excuse to not leave except for, they are where they want to be.

TFOY I disagree that most would rather stay with a spouse that makes them miserable rather than pay for a chance to live with out that spouse.... is naive. If you are sooo miserable and have this wonderful AP, you will get your divorce.

No one is being a good parent when they are sneaking around, and lying.

I have been on both sides of this (WS & BS) and I have seen more than one case of the cheater/cake eater portraying their M as false to the AP, and in reality are staying in the marriage partly because they don't want their spouse to go be with someone else! Crazy!

[jlola]

My Mom left too. She was a hs dropout (pregnant with me at 15) and was 7 years into an abusive marriage with my bio dad. Years later she and I discussed this. Know how long it took her to leave? 7 years... the ENTIRE time of their marriage. She was young, uneducated, two young children - and scared. She had no idea what to do or where to go. It was not an easy decision for her - and it took her years to finally act on it.

 

 

.

 

But she did act on it eventually . On her own. How many MM/MW are telling other person for years they will leave? Isn't love supposed to be a "Strong" incentive for these people to leave a bad situation. make sacrifices

 

I heard a story the other day from a girl who's grandmother left her husband . she had young kids and she could not take him anymore. That was back in the day when women would not divorce and men did not have to pay child support. She struggled like hell, but she did it.

 

what I can't understand is why mm/MW can not leave. You would move mountains for the person you love wouldn't you? But I think many MW/MM have selfish version of love and will not live with consequences.

 

Hey, I'm destroying my wife's confidence,trust,family,lying ,humiliating and all. But having to pay child support and possibly move out of home and not see kids full time will hurt me. Poor me.I shouldn't have consequences for my actions.

 

I see that all the time in crime shows. Wife or husband kills spouse because they want a divorce or are having affair, but want no financial loss or want the kids. It's called selfish. Scott Peterson had some of that. So did that Drew Peterson guy. they want it all. Why have to suffer consequences?

[Goodbye]

Yes, it is all about being selfish. Truly, it is. They want love, affection, happiness and romance, but not at the expense of disrupting the "nest." It is sickening, really.

[So happy together]

My boyfriend left after a year or so. He's in his own apartment, going through with a divorce and we are still going strong. So, it did take him a little time to get where he needed to be to leave, but when he did get there, he left.

 

I'm not sure there is a right or wrong. People look for different things in a R. Some people are perfectly content in an A, including OM/OW. It just depends on what you want, what you can handle.

[jlola]

I guess this is why the police usually look at a spouse first after a murder. They recognize the fact some people will not divorce because they don't want to give up anything. they would rather kill the spouse than sacrifice what they rightfully think is theirs.

[AnotherRound]

But she did act on it eventually . On her own. How many MM/MW are telling other person for years they will leave? Isn't love supposed to be a "Strong" incentive for these people to leave a bad situation. make sacrifices

 

I heard a story the other day from a girl who's grandmother left her husband . she had young kids and she could not take him anymore. That was back in the day when women would not divorce and men did not have to pay child support. She struggled like hell, but she did it.

 

what I can't understand is why mm/MW can not leave. You would move mountains for the person you love wouldn't you? But I think many MW/MM have selfish version of love and will not live with consequences.

 

Hey, I'm destroying my wife's confidence,trust,family,lying ,humiliating and all. But having to pay child support and possibly move out of home and not see kids full time will hurt me. Poor me.I shouldn't have consequences for my actions.

 

I see that all the time in crime shows. Wife or husband kills spouse because they want a divorce or are having affair, but want no financial loss or want the kids. It's called selfish. Scott Peterson had some of that. So did that Drew Peterson guy. they want it all. Why have to suffer consequences?

 

Well, not all MM/MW are saying that they will leave. Some are being VERY honest about why they won't leave. And, in my case, there was no deception - so, I guess that does make it a bit different in that they were in agreement as to "why" they were both staying, and it wasn't the marriage for either of them.

 

And, it's not just about "love". I mean - a person's love for their children will always be greater than any love that they have for anyone else or at least it "should" be. So, the love of their child will win every time - and that makes sense to me.

 

I don't know many adults that are willing to do "anything" for love - I mean, most of us realize that it's not realistic, even when not doing it is painful. We weigh in a LOT of factors -love being one of them, but by no means the ONLY one or the major one. Life is much more than love - and love doesn't always win. Should it? Maybe - but in reality, we have been taught that to do something "just" for love is silly, impulsive - and most of us weigh in some logic too (will I have a roof over my head? Food in my belly? How often will I see my children? Will this hurt my parents... and on and on). Everything is tempered, nothing resolute - not even love.

[AnotherRound]

Yes, it is all about being selfish. Truly, it is. They want love, affection, happiness and romance, but not at the expense of disrupting the "nest." It is sickening, really.

 

Please give me an example of any human being alive that does not want as much of these things as they can have? I mean - honestly? Are there people out there that do not want these things? Are there people who just "settle" for much less bc they think it would be selfish to try to have the best life that they can have?????

 

Aren't we all trying to get the most of our needs met as possible? Isn't that kind of what life is all about? Being the most the best we can be? It seems silly to me to assume that everyone isn't weighing things out daily in an effort to achieve exactly what you call "sickening". ????

 

Everyone wants the most of the best that they can have - that's human nature. It's not easy to accomplish that, and marriage often falls VERY short in providing that for many couples. That's the reality. Is an affair the answer? Most usually - probably not the "best" answer - but it is an answer or it wouldn't happen so often. It's obviously the lesser of the two evils - affair or divorce.

 

Every human is selfish in some way regarding this - even BSs - everyone. We all want as much as we can have - bc there are needs. All kinds of needs - we are organisms, we need things to survive, to thrive. We all seek those things - some of us in "outside the box" ways - but all of us seek them. That's not selfish- it's survival.

[Praying4Peace]

It's all about fear of the unknown.

 

The ex-MM would say that it was not her vs. me. In that comparison there would be no question at all. She was part of a package deal that included the following:

 

-nice house to live in

-get to see the kids daily and not have to take care of them alone as a 'single parent'

-kids don't find out about the affair and hate you forever (this is HUGE ONE).

-Finances

-Having to deal with ex-W all the time (with the AP you can truly go NC)

-guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt for hurting someone so badly when all they want is for you to love them and tell them you'll fix it and choose them.

-fear that you (AP) won't stay with them because you aren't bound by all the things listed above

-fear that in a decade your relationship will be just as crappy so why not stay with crappy with benefits

-Losing respect and being the man that ditched his wife and kids for another woman (OUCH)

 

The Affair brings a new dimension to Divorce. So the MM figures after D-day...the W still wants him (so she must really love him and wow, she wants to have sex too...this just gets better and better!) and why not try and reconnect with her bc if it works out with her than you HAVE IT ALL. I can't say that's a faulty thought pattern.

 

Bottom line- the difference I see between men and women (some) is not about love but the importance of love in the order of priorities of 'what makes life happy'. Love is just not at the top of the list. Its like the cherry on top of the sundae. If she's not that bad and willing to forgive you then why not?

 

Another Round- I got that whole scale speech.

[Praying4Peace]

I'm getting a D and my H would probably stay with me because I am part of *his* package. But I refuse to be part of a package. No way. And I feel guilty everyday because I am taking his package away from him. I should just stay with him even if its a sham marriage bc he deserves everything on that list- he didn't cheat. Is that messed up thinking?

 

Reconciliation takes 2-5 years. My kids were already so sad and damaged by almost a year of fighting and coldness. We might make it to a quiet/content place after 5 years (and Im positive it would be the high side given the circumstances) but I think my kids wouldn't recover from the extreme tension in their formative years.

 

They are happy and doing very well. I hope i join them in Happyville one day but right now they are what counts.

[AnotherRound]

It's all about fear of the unknown.

 

The ex-MM would say that it was not her vs. me. In that comparison there would be no question at all. She was part of a package deal that included the following:

 

-nice house to live in

-get to see the kids daily and not have to take care of them alone as a 'single parent'

-kids don't find out about the affair and hate you forever (this is HUGE ONE).

-Finances

-Having to deal with ex-W all the time (with the AP you can truly go NC)

-guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt for hurting someone so badly when all they want is for you to love them and tell them you'll fix it and choose them.

-fear that you (AP) won't stay with them because you aren't bound by all the things listed above

-fear that in a decade your relationship will be just as crappy so why not stay with crappy with benefits

-Losing respect and being the man that ditched his wife and kids for another woman (OUCH)

 

The Affair brings a new dimension to Divorce. So the MM figures after D-day...the W still wants him (so she must really love him and wow, she wants to have sex too...this just gets better and better!) and why not try and reconnect with her bc if it works out with her than you HAVE IT ALL. I can't say that's a faulty thought pattern.

 

Bottom line- the difference I see between men and women (some) is not about love but the importance of love in the order of priorities of 'what makes life happy'. Love is just not at the top of the list. Its like the cherry on top of the sundae. If she's not that bad and willing to forgive you then why not?

 

Another Round- I got that whole scale speech.

 

This exactly. The scale thing is simply how I imagine it. I do a lot of lists in my life - and pros and cons lists are one of them. ExMM has his own lists (whether he writes them down or not) and one side is often heavier than the other. For him - the cons of leaving far outweighed by the pros of leaving - especially considering that his children would have weighed more heavily than anything else - they weren't the ONLY reason he stayed, but they were a very big reason he stayed (as they were for his now exW also).

 

I think it's cognitively dysfunctional to look at the world and think that most people are trying to "get one over" on someone else. Most people are just trying to get by - survive, and maybe in the meantime, get their needs met as best they can. Most people make lists - either in their head or actually write them down - when they are trying to make a major decision. Most people do not just say, "oh, love over rules everything!" and make impulsive decisions without thinking of the very possible ramifications.

 

Sometimes it takes people years to leave a relationship when they "want" to - relationships are multi-faceted things that entrap many variables and dynamics. Sometimes, untangling all of that is very difficult - very painful - and the unknown is scary. That's understandable to me. I can respect that many people try to do what is best for their children - even though from out here I can see a little more clearly then they can and see that their children would maybe be better off with them divorcing. Would I bet my life on it? Nope - and at the end of the day, my outside looking in means nothing bc I have NOTHING at stake - so of course it would be an "easy" decision for me to make as an objective observer. To think that the person actually risking everything should have that same thought process is silly - they have EVERYTHING to lose.

[wisernow]

jlola, there are posters here who are never going to get your point. I certainly get it as you and I have very similar childhood backgrounds.

 

Also I don't often discuss this here, because usually it's not relevant, but here goes. I have 2 divorces under my belt. The first marriage was short lived, 1 year and 5 months. He was an asshat that I never should have married, but some of us have to do a few stupid things to learn our lessons. Anyway, at about the year mark, I knew I was leaving, it took about another 6 months to get myself completely sure of it and guess what I packed up my stuff from what had formerly been my apt and I moved out. Done, finished, over. I will say that there were no children, no property to divide so of course that made it a lot simpler.

 

My 2nd marriage lasted 9 years, we had 2 girls, one born with serious birth defects. We had communication issues and there was resentment on both sides and the stress and the strain of having one child born with all those problems, well most marriages do not survive it and mine didn't.

 

It wasn't because I walked, he walked. I knew things weren't good, but I never imagined that he would just walk out of me but he did, just like that. The next day he moved into his mothers house that she wasn't living in. I was so devastated I walked around numb for about 2 weeks, I didn't tell a soul that he had left, not my family, not my friends, no one. I cried and begged a few times, then I picked myself up and got on with it. 3 months later, he tells me he is going to date someone from work. 2 months later, she moves in with him. Yep.....I'm sure he was having at least an EA with her before he moved out. This from a man who when we married, I fully expected to spend the rest of my life with and he was a good man, not someone that I ever thought would walk away like that. My family loved him, they all thought he was awesome and they were just as shocked as I was.

 

My point.....people walk, they do it without a lot of fuss when they really want to. I did it from my 1st marriage and in my 2nd marriage, he walked right out the door away from me, house, 2 kids, the whole nine yards and yes I was a good wife to him. Not perfect, but just as good or better than he was to me.

 

Amen sister! This is why it's pointless to even try with some posters. I just put them on ignore and press on.

[AnotherRound]

Amen sister! This is why it's pointless to even try with some posters. I just put them on ignore and press on.

 

Oh, I think we all "get it" - disagreement with one person's views doesn't mean someone doesn't "get it" - it just means we see it differently, our realities are different.

 

I think that's a huge problem on these boards at times. That some have the misconception that if someone disagrees with them that the other person just doesn't get it. I can see both sides - I just don't agree with both sides. One seems truer to me than the other. That's life.

 

Discussion boards are great for helping some that see things only one way to see that there are other ways to approach these things. There is rarely a right or wrong way to see things, few things in this world are that black and white (although I know that there are those that will absolutely disagree with me on that, lol!).

 

I do think that one way is "more true" than the other - but like I said, many people often have a very limited amount of experiences to help them see that. It will come in time to many - as they live life and experience new things, broaden their horizons. For some though, it will never come.

[wisernow]

Oh, I think we all "get it" - disagreement with one person's views doesn't mean someone doesn't "get it" - it just means we see it differently, our realities are different.

 

I think that's a huge problem on these boards at times. That some have the misconception that if someone disagrees with them that the other person just doesn't get it. I can see both sides - I just don't agree with both sides. One seems truer to me than the other. That's life.

 

Discussion boards are great for helping some that see things only one way to see that there are other ways to approach these things. There is rarely a right or wrong way to see things, few things in this world are that black and white (although I know that there are those that will absolutely disagree with me on that, lol!).

 

I do think that one way is "more true" than the other - but like I said, many people often have a very limited amount of experiences to help them see that. It will come in time to many - as they live life and experience new things, broaden their horizons. For some though, it will never come.

 

Relax. Sorry you take it personally, but your name was NOT mentioned.

Edited April 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AnotherRound]

Relax. Sorry you take it personally, but your name was NOT mentioned. But, if the shoe fits....

 

Didn't take it personally at all - just discussing - this is a discussion board

 

No offense taken.

[MissBee]

Simply put: most people stay because they want to stay, regardless of if they are miserable or not, the benefits of staying outweigh the real or imagined risks entailed in the opposite i.e. leaving.

 

I have no clue why my mom stays with a serial cheater...but I suppose for whatever reason it is worth it to her, even though we can agree a cheating spouse is not fun.

 

Likewise, my dad has never ever discussed or attempted divorce, and when my mom brings it up he panics...yet he keeps having affairs. I have no idea if he tells them he plans to leave but the reality is, even for his dozens of affairs, he is still married. If he is "miserable" or his "needs aren't being met"...doesn't matter, he is right where he wants to be.

Edited April 17, 2013 by MissBee

[thefooloftheyear]

Simply put: most people stay because they want to stay, regardless of if they are miserable or not, the benefits of staying outweigh the real or imagined risks entailed in the opposite i.e. leaving.

 

I have no clue why my mom stays with a serial cheater...but I suppose for whatever reason it is worth it to her, even though we can agree a cheating spouse is not fun.

 

Likewise, my dad has never ever discussed or attempted divorce, and when my mom brings it up he panics...yet he keeps having affairs. I have no idea if he tells them he plans to leave but the reality is, even for his dozens of affairs, he is still married. If he is "miserable" or his "needs aren't being met"...doesn't matter, he is right where he wants to be.

 

Well, said, MB...

 

The bottom line is this...

 

This thread is full of generalizations. Utter nonsense. People are as different as snowflakes and while one individual might have no problem leaving a marginally bad(or even dare I say "good") marriage at the drop of a hat, another person might be willing to stick out a horrendous marriage for their own reasons(guilt, kids, money, dog, whatever)..Who's to say whats right or wrong?

 

The reality is this. The only reason someone might question(criticize) someone else deciding to stay in the marriage to save the family and kids are those that were perhaps lied to and led on on an affair situation. They have a right to be annoyed over it. Otherwise they might look at those folks as being noble for putting children and family over their own enjoyment/self gratification. I know I would. And no, I don't buy the fact that you HAVE to divorce if things arent 100% perfect. Many couples co exist with no sex, nothing in common(basically live sepearate lives within the M) and raise their kids to the best of their ability. If there is no infidelity and no arguing/fighting, frankly its NOT easier on the kids to turn their world upside down as most divorces do.

 

TFOY

Edited April 17, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[thefooloftheyear]

My point.....people walk, they do it without a lot of fuss when they really want to. I did it from my 1st marriage and in my 2nd marriage, he walked right out the door away from me, house, 2 kids, the whole nine yards and yes I was a good wife to him. Not perfect, but just as good or better than he was to me.

 

Yes, and some people DONT walk.. I dont get your point???

 

TFOY

[SunshineToday]

Yes, and some people DONT walk.. I dont get your point???

 

TFOY

 

I think the point is, if they DONT walk, it's because they DONT want to leave the marriage.

[MissBee]

I think the point is, if they DONT walk, it's because they DONT want to leave the marriage.

 

This is indeed the point IMO.

 

Even if they don't love their spouse or what have you, being married for finances, kids, rabbits, dogs and their car is more important than leaving. It's not about if that is right or wrong, but simply that they stay because they want to stay, because it is MORE beneficial in their minds.

 

An OW/OM can choose to live with this fact or not.

[AnotherRound]

This is indeed the point IMO.

 

Even if they don't love their spouse or what have you, being married for finances, kids, rabbits, dogs and their car is more important than leaving. It's not about if that is right or wrong, but simply that they stay because they want to stay, because it is MORE beneficial in their minds.

 

An OW/OM can choose to live with this fact or not.

 

I agree with this. "it is more beneficial in their minds" ... 100%. They have weighed it out and staying has more pros than cons - and more pros than leaving - so they choose to stay. Everything considered, I can see why so many stay - house, finances, kids, families, that list could go on forever and ever it seems!

[Act Two]

Agreed. Like I said many times, affairs are not the answer imo, and most couples at that point would seem to be better off divorcing - but the unknown is scarier for most people, no matter how miserable the known is - that's just human nature. Once someone has been divorced, the odds of them being divorced again goes up. Why? Because they've already tackled that mountain, it is no longer unknown, and they know that they can do it. Once it's known, it's "easier".

 

And, it's my opinion, that it is usually BETTER for the children that their parents get divorced - but try telling married people with kids that. I mean, of course they hesitate - it's a HUGE step in life and one that they have no idea the effects it will have on their children. I can absolutely understand the hesitation. In my divorce, even without children, it was a hard decision and one that was fear inducing. So, add children to that and it only makes sense that people wouldn't choose divorce in the spur of the moment - at least not people with any ability to understand the possible consequences.

 

I agree with this very much. I can only speak from my experience, which is that I was contemplating the idea of divorce after a pretty tough marriage about 6 years ago. Then I had an affair which was a very destructive decision (and didn't solve anything for anyone), but even as there were many times I wanted out, I was paralyzed by fear. I still am to some degree even though we are separated.

 

It sounds good to say, well just get a divorce, but the decision to divorce is excruciating, especially with children involved. I always felt that unless my husband was cheating on me or hit me, then I didn't really have much of a reason to leave him or was justified, even while every fiber of my being felt disrespect and resentment towards him. It's not always clear cut to know when your marriage is over.

 

I still agonize over the kids not seeing their parents every day, and me not seeing my babies every day or their dad not seeing them. It is a roll of the dice though when you have an affair that the BS will divorce you anyway, and then you have the pain of infidelity added on top of that. I get that rationally, now. Then, I felt like I had needs met, and then was able to prolong the family to some degree even though I was trying to work up the courage to leave.

 

Of course, now I see that the affair will most likely affect my children (they don't know now about my infidelity), BUT I read hear all of the time about divorce destroying the family, breaking up the family, children being negatively impacted by losing their intact family, etc. I've googled "effects of divorce on children" hundreds of times and it ain't pretty! Divorce negatively affects children and breaks their hearts, not just affairs. So it is terrifying to divorce. For me, my mother told me at one point that I was better off dead then divorced, so I had zero family support (and really still do not have much) in leaving my marriage for the reasons I had prior to the affair. I don't say this as an excuse (in addition to my children and finances), but in that I truly felt paralyzed to make a decision. I did feel that I loved my exOM, but to leave my family FOR him seemed unhealthy, and frankly, like free falling. Perhaps I simply lacked the courage to do that.

 

Now, my marriage is ending regardless. I still feel denial/grief etc. despite the fact that I really screwed it up and dropped a nuke on it. Rationally, I can tell myself that it was destructive and hard with all of the problems we had to start, but there's a part of me that still wants to fix it for the kids. I've even imagined staying in at least a few more years until the boys are out of high school. But that ball isn't in my court anymore.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I, too, get impatient with the "just divorce." I don't advocate or admire cake eating- that's abusive to all involved. But sometimes there are reasons why people stay, not just excuses.

[eleanorrigby]

I still say stay for whatever reason floats your boat, but be honest with your spouse about what your intentions are for the remainder of the marriage.

[AnotherRound]

I agree with this very much. I can only speak from my experience, which is that I was contemplating the idea of divorce after a pretty tough marriage about 6 years ago. Then I had an affair which was a very destructive decision (and didn't solve anything for anyone), but even as there were many times I wanted out, I was paralyzed by fear. I still am to some degree even though we are separated.

 

It sounds good to say, well just get a divorce, but the decision to divorce is excruciating, especially with children involved. I always felt that unless my husband was cheating on me or hit me, then I didn't really have much of a reason to leave him or was justified, even while every fiber of my being felt disrespect and resentment towards him. It's not always clear cut to know when your marriage is over.

 

I still agonize over the kids not seeing their parents every day, and me not seeing my babies every day or their dad not seeing them. It is a roll of the dice though when you have an affair that the BS will divorce you anyway, and then you have the pain of infidelity added on top of that. I get that rationally, now. Then, I felt like I had needs met, and then was able to prolong the family to some degree even though I was trying to work up the courage to leave.

 

Of course, now I see that the affair will most likely affect my children (they don't know now about my infidelity), BUT I read hear all of the time about divorce destroying the family, breaking up the family, children being negatively impacted by losing their intact family, etc. I've googled "effects of divorce on children" hundreds of times and it ain't pretty! Divorce negatively affects children and breaks their hearts, not just affairs. So it is terrifying to divorce. For me, my mother told me at one point that I was better off dead then divorced, so I had zero family support (and really still do not have much) in leaving my marriage for the reasons I had prior to the affair. I don't say this as an excuse (in addition to my children and finances), but in that I truly felt paralyzed to make a decision. I did feel that I loved my exOM, but to leave my family FOR him seemed unhealthy, and frankly, like free falling. Perhaps I simply lacked the courage to do that.

 

Now, my marriage is ending regardless. I still feel denial/grief etc. despite the fact that I really screwed it up and dropped a nuke on it. Rationally, I can tell myself that it was destructive and hard with all of the problems we had to start, but there's a part of me that still wants to fix it for the kids. I've even imagined staying in at least a few more years until the boys are out of high school. But that ball isn't in my court anymore.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I, too, get impatient with the "just divorce." I don't advocate or admire cake eating- that's abusive to all involved. But sometimes there are reasons why people stay, not just excuses.

 

I agree, it's not "just excuses". People weigh things out and make decisions - sometimes, what we personally want just doesn't outweigh so many other things. I don't know why some people are so afraid to accept this truth/reality/possibility. Maybe it's scary for them to think about marriage/relationships not just being based on love - but in reality, there is SO much more that goes into them.

 

Everyone has to do what is best for them and their loved ones within the confines of their own reality. Take your time, make your decisions - and know in your heart that you are doing the best that you can do with what you have - because I believe that you truly are (I believe that everyone truly is). Other people will ALWAYS have judgments about that - let them - but don't let them define your reality for you. You know what your reality is... live it, do the best you can - nobody can ask any more than that from you!

[thefooloftheyear]

How many times do we as ow call the mm a coward because he won't leave?

 

Get it?

 

Go back and reread the post you made from which I extracted that part. The point you are trying to make is that people(in YOUR situation) left the marriage without fanfare. So then, it stands to reason that everyone else should just behave in the same manner. Who is to say that others would or wouldnt do if put in the same circumstances?

 

Get it?

 

Look, if you were lied to and led on, I understand your frustration. I've made the point before clearly. I sympathize profusely. But what you are doing is transposing that situation to yours (or any)marriage. Sorry, but that just doesnt fly.

 

 

TFOY

[AnotherRound]

Go back and reread the post you made from which I extracted that part. The point you are trying to make is that people(in YOUR situation) left the marriage without fanfare. So then, it stands to reason that everyone else should just behave in the same manner. Who is to say that others would or wouldnt do if put in the same circumstances?

 

Get it?

 

Look, if you were lied to and led on, I understand your frustration. I've made the point before clearly. I sympathize profusely. But what you are doing is transposing that situation to yours (or any)marriage. Sorry, but that just doesnt fly.

 

 

TFOY

 

PS I love your tag - could you add the there/theirs?