Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[BryanP37]

I'm like many men who never thought this would happen. The shock I feel is hard to describe. If anything, I feel no emotion at the moment. I am about 48 hours out from breaking this open and I am struggling to make sense of the whole thing to see where this need to go. I am 37 and my wife is 33. We don't have kids.

 

My wife's best friend left her husband as he confessed to having an affair for the past 6 months or so. She came to stay with my wife and I a few days while she sorted out her life and found a new place to live. My wife and this woman have been friends since college and both work in the same field. Her leaving her husband did not surprise me as her marital problems go back at least a year. My wife and I on the other hand have been married just over 7 years, and together 9. Among our circle of friends, we appeared to be the poster child of a happy couple. Both of us have successful careers, nice house, cars, do lots of things together. I do travel some for my job, but that's part of what pays for our life.

 

My wife is outwardly one of the worst critics of her friends husband. She cannot say enough bad things about him and lately being in the same room with him brings on open hostility. That was until a very small detail caused me to start being suspicious.

 

My friends wife was over a couple of weeks back and was ranting that her husband is still at it, that it appears he had the OW over to their house recently. She stopped by while he was not home and it was obvious to her he had been screwing around. Bed a mess, wine glasses, and an ashtray with cigarette butts in it and an empty pack on a coffee table. Ironically the same brand my wife smokes. Also notable, my wife is the only one out of our circle of friends that still smokes. It rang a bell to me of SOB! The OW could be my wife!

 

I've never looked at our wireless bill. If it's the same month to month, I just pay it and move on. With electronic billing, I've not felt the need to look through. I casually excused myself to go pay bills, and looked at the wireless bill and there were dozens of calls to the woman's husbands number. All very short. Dozens of text messages to boot. If beginning to feel sick now. I then looked at our Uverse account, and saw a second email account. Foolishly, she didnt realize the email account could be accessed using the website where you pay the bill. It confirmed to me she was the other woman. I didn't read each carefully as it made me want to faint, but have downloaded them to a flash drive I have for safe keeping.

 

I had to leave on a business trip the following morning. She was her usual self. Very affectionate as she always is with me. We both have iPhones and I gave the

iCloud feature activated on all of our devices. When I landed at my destination, I checked it and she was at where she works, no doubt from the picture. Sent her a text that I made it fine and she replies "miss you, love you" as usual. I check again toward the end of the day and I see she is at her friends house. Resisted the urge to call. It happened every day I was gone between 3-5 pm.

 

Fast forward to this past Sunday. I go to play golf with my dad. She knows that that can take over 5 hours. When I went to pick him up, he wasn't feeling well, so I just stayed and visited voicing some of my concerns over what I thought might be up. I check iCloud, and low and behold, it shows her to be at her friends house. I leave right then and her car was blatantly parked in front. Again resisted the urge to do something stupid. I left a post it note on her car saying "we need to talk, NOW!" and left for home. I called her as soon as I got home telling her I cut golf short and am home. Could sense surprise in her voice. 15 minutes later she sheepishly walked into our kitchen. That told me everything I needed to know. She tried to sidetrack me but I called BS. Told her what I thought was going on and would assume to be the facts until she could prove otherwise. She starts sobbing, an I told her to take off. She packed some things and went to her parents. I called them after she left and they hit the ceiling. Completely dumbfounded them. I texted her AP I know everything and he had best back off as his world was about to crash in on him otherwise.

 

My question now is what do I do now?? My gut reaction is to toss the cheating whore to the wolves. Not only did she screw me over, she screwed over her best friend. I told her years ago when we were dating, this would be a show stopper if it ever happened and I would expect no quarter either. I don't understand why she would do this. I'm not sure it can ever be explained sufficiently. Right now I hate her guts, but I want to keep myself from blowing the bridge up too soon. For the life of me, I cannot think of anything I've done, or neglected her in any way that would bring this on.

 

I would appreciate an outsiders unbiased view on where I might should go from here. What plausible reason could there be for her doing such a despicable thing to us? I'm taking this week off to regroup and focus on where this needs to go.

[stillafool]

So sorry for what you are going through. Your wife has no morals and only cares about what makes her happy. She has betrayed you and her best friend. Imagine the type of personality it takes to watch your best friend go through pain, knowing you are the one who helped cause it, and then hold your hand through it all while still cheating with her husband. Not to mention what she has done to you. She is a liar, cheater and narcissis. I don't think you could ever trust a person like her and if I were you I would push for a divorce because the image of what she has done will never leave your mind.

[Eggplant]

My wife is outwardly one of the worst critics of her friends husband. She cannot say enough bad things about him and lately being in the same room with him brings on open hostility. That was until a very small detail caused me to start being suspicious.

She's a manipulative liar.

 

My question now is what do I do now?? My gut reaction is to toss the cheating whore to the wolves. Not only did she screw me over, she screwed over her best friend. I told her years ago when we were dating, this would be a show stopper if it ever happened and I would expect no quarter either.

She lacks character. You cannot spend your life with somebody who would selfishly screw over her husband and her best friend. What exactly are her values? No, no, there are other women who will be grateful for your love and loyalty and who will reciprocate it unconditionally. I'm so sorry, and be thankful you found out who she really was before you had children.

[ComingInHot]

BryanP,

Unbiased is a little hard for me to be as my H cheated on me but I can offer;

 

Understanding of how you are feeling

Telling you that you are Not alone

Confirming that no matter how "crazed" you feel right now, you are Not crazy

 

You having her step out for now/for weeks/for months or forever is going to give you some time to process and sort through this ocean of sh*t that has just tsunami'd your entire world.

 

You don't have to decide right this second or even over the next few years if you are truly going to R or D. You do what is right for You in Your own time .

 

Have you told her best friend yet? Have you thought about it?

Have you told someone You trust and can support you through this?

[ComingInHot]

eggplant wrote, " She lacks character. You cannot spend your life with somebody who would selfishly screw over her husband and her best friend. What exactly are her values? No, no, there are other women who will be grateful for your love and loyalty and who will reciprocate it unconditionally. I'm so sorry, and be thankful you found out who she really was before you had children."

 

When you're right, you Are RIGHT. Definitely something to consider BryanP.*

[Steen719]

eggplant wrote, " She lacks character. You cannot spend your life with somebody who would selfishly screw over her husband and her best friend. What exactly are her values? No, no, there are other women who will be grateful for your love and loyalty and who will reciprocate it unconditionally. I'm so sorry, and be thankful you found out who she really was before you had children."

 

When you're right, you Are RIGHT. Definitely something to consider BryanP.*

 

I don't usually just jump in and say that it is time to go, but I have to agree with this. She cheated on you and consoled her friend while causing her pain. Double the betrayal! Unbelievable! You are young enough to find someone who would value you - many women are looking for a man like you. No kids, no entanglements that way. I wish I had thought about the following - my XH cheated the first time when things were good. I really should have known what he would do when things were tough. He had shown me who he was and I think your wife has done this as well.

 

Good luck. So sorry you are here. It stinks. Glad you have family near.

[JD1977]

Cominginhot had it completely right about you not having to make any rash decisions, you take your time. Her stirring and wondering what you want is her cross to bare for what she did to you! I can't think that you will never be able to trust her again. And if that's the case, what kind of life would you have, always wondering, questioning and checking up on her? This wasn't a one time thing. This was cold and calculated!

And as far as asking yourself what you've done to lead to this..... NOTHING! People in horrific marriages will refuse to be with another until they are divorced. This is 100% on her shoulders! Her friend certainly didn't do anything to deserve this either! Take some time for yourself.

 

 

****On a side note (this might be to soon to see the irony) her friend is available! Wouldn't that be ironic!*****

[BryanP37]

It's amazing how remorseful someone is when they are caught red handed. She wants to at least sit down with me and try to talk this out and is pleading for me to hear her out. BS! Not now, not in the near future. Right now I couldn't care less what her story is. A good friend of mine turned me on to a Family Law specialist who is his brother in law. My friend is the only person outside of this fiasco that knows what happened. I will see the attorney tomorrow morning. I have not told my wife's friend. I will leave that to her husband or my wife to do that dirty work.

 

I am leaning heavily towards kicking her ass to the curb. Sticking a dagger through me and her friend in the same motion is just too much to overcome. Piss on her. I'm probably wrong doing this, but she's the one kicked out. I'm staying in my house. I didn't cheat. I worked my ass off to get us where we are and this is my reward? The alarm code is changed and I've swapped out the dead bolt locks on the doors. If she forgot anything, she can come over and pick it up when I'm here and I suggested one of her parents come with her. Otherwise, she is dead in my eyes.

 

My heartfelt thanks to all of you who've replied so quickly after my posting. You've all confirmed to me the feelings going through me right now are normal. In my humble opinion, the only resolution I see right now is shedding myself of this deceitful booty call whore.

[Furious]

I admire how well you handled your gut instinct and followed through with getting the proof you needed.

 

That alone speaks volumes as to your ability to think clearly while dealing with the enormous pain you felt and are still feeling.

 

My advice to you would be to continue listening to your gut and realize that her betrayal is not about you, but all about her own brokenness.

 

It's shocking to one day love someone and the next day discover they are a complete stranger to who you thought they were.

 

You will be cycling through a roller coaster of emotions for a long time to come. Anger, disbelief, sadness, shock, grief, fear and despair, sometimes all at once.

 

Take things one day at a time and take care of yourself.

[calgary]

she's the scum of this earth. obviously you're upset right now and love her more than I can imagine. but hopefully in time just like a lot of people on here will tell you. she's not worth getting upset about. she's not who you or her best friend thought she was.. that was an act. I hope it was really worth it to her, to lose you and her best friend for him. who is to say she won't end up with him one day and he'll cheat on her or she'll cheat on him ? how could they ever trust each other ? how could you ever trust her again?

 

Her best friend will possibly become your best friend at a time like this ? stick together she knows your pain better than anyone right ?

 

absolutely devastating. what an awful thing of her to do. especially whilst you're away earning money.

[ComingInHot]

BryanP,

LS is a good place for venting and support.

 

I encourage you to continue posting for a couple reasons;

 

Emotions (rage) anger is Normal but be careful what you say how you say it and to whom. You don't need word getting out/twisted around by "anyone" that you have anger issues. It could come back to bite you in the a** should you D.

 

Don't allow her back into the house. She didn't have to go really, but she CHOSE to leave. If you let her back in, she could then choose Not to get her things and go a second time. Put her things on the front prch if you are Really "done". The house then is yours to live in less a judge dictate otherwise.

 

Last, take CARE of Yourself. Be healthy & strong right now (even if you decide to give R a chance).

It's day to drwn and lse yourself in the sea of emotions.

 

CIH*

[Artie Lang]

you really need to tell this woman(her friend) what's been going on. she has a right to know. you aren't the one to cause her more pain, your cheating wife and this scumbag are to blame for that.

 

 

are you telling me your wife was f#$%ing this OM all the while her friend was staying with you guys?

 

DESPICABLE!!!

[BryanP37]

It did occur to me that my wife's friend will soon be available. She is a very sweet girl, quite a looker too. I don't understand WTF is wrong with her husband trashing her to screw around with someone like my wife when what he had was the full package of inner and outer beauty.

 

My wife's friend and may very well become best friends as a result of this. Which is precisely why I won't be the one to tell her. The two low life's need to do that if they care anything for her. As for her and I ever getting together...made me laugh for the first time in a couple of weeks. Thank you for my first chuckle in a while! I don't think you can find 2 people more I'll suited to be together than her friend and I. But then again, who knows. Could be justice served!

[Artie Lang]

if you don't have kids, i'd say "Run Forrest, run!"

[mattzeo]

Bryan, So sorry to hear of your story. My wife cheated with her friends husband. She always spoke ill of him, calling him lazy, stupid, and perverted. 7 months ago I caught her with a cell phone and after 13 long days, she admitted the affair, yet left out many details. I've become familiar with the term "trickle truth." I asked her to leave that very day. We were married 25 years, and for 8.5 years she was meeting weekly with this creep because "he made her feel hot, sexy, desired, and attractive." The selfish pig started this when our two children were only 10 and 13 years old. This site has been very helpful to me as I could not comprehend why anybody would do such an awful thing to someone they love. My wife paid for the hotels every time, and even gave him money for gas, booze, food, and pay as you go phones/cards. Not to mention 100 dollar Christmas presents.The creep never gave her so much as a chocolate bar in all those years. Yet she felt hot, sexy, and desired? She freaking paid him to desire her. How does one feel desired when they know they are being used. I have pratically gone crazy trying to figure out how my wife could do such a thing with a man she knew cheated on her friend prior to their affair. She knew her friend was hurting because her friend confided in her that she had discovered an affair...all the time my wife was meeting her husband. UNBELIEVABLE!!! You will be on an emotional roller coaster as others have said. You are forever wounded and will never be the same person. But you will survive and find a way to carry on. I wish you the best of luck.

[adelia]

Are you two intimate with one another? How is your sex life?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think before throwing away everything you should give her a chance to explain herself. Just my two cents

[96nole]

Are you two intimate with one another? How is your sex life?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think before throwing away everything you should give her a chance to explain herself. Just my two cents

Yes, have her explain how she's been getting boned by her best friends husband. How she consoled her best friend, even though she knew the whole time, she was the cause of her friends pain. How she has been lying to you. Perhaps she can even use a Powerpoint presentation.

[adelia]

Yes, have her explain how she's been getting boned by her best friends husband. How she consoled her best friend, even though she knew the whole time, she was the cause of her friends pain. How she has been lying to you. Perhaps she can even use a Powerpoint presentation.

 

I'm not in any way saying what she's done is ok but he owes it to himself to find out why. I know I'd want to hear an explanation.

[BryanP37]

Took some advice and got in touch with her friend. Texted first to see if she was free to talk then called her. Told her what I found, and it turns out she knew already was giving me a chance to figure it out on my own before saying anything to me. Explains why she's been scarce around here these past couple of weeks. The empty cigarette pack on the coffee table tipped her off. When she came by to rant, her motive was to tip me off, and subconsiously it did. We are meeting in a bit at Waffle House to talk more. Neither one of us can sleep so why not hang out all night there.

 

I've been reading solid for the past few days about whether or not this can be fixed. In theory, if someone is truly repentive, and understands just how wrong they are and makes real steps toward regaining trust and helping the people they hurt heal, then maybe there is a chance. I am Air Force Academy educated and indoctrinated and spent 8 years as a B-52 Radar Navigator and Electronic Warfare Officer. The honor code was driven into my head from day one and i still buy into it. With that in mind, there is no way in hell will I ever find it possible to put this aside and allow her close to me again. I see no other viable solution. I am embarrassed I missed this horrible character flaw of hers. I have a feeling more skeletons are going to be found in the closet. Who knows how many more times this might have happened before this one.

 

Thank you friends for your encouraging words. I will let you know what I find out after I meet with the other betrayed spouse.

[Artie Lang]

i'm a little confused..... you say her friend suspected your wife was OW before she came to stay with you guys?

[BryanP37]

Are you two intimate with one another? How is your sex life?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think before throwing away everything you should give her a chance to explain herself. Just my two cents

 

Our sex life up until I figured out what was going on was very good. I would have considered us soulmates. I will listen eventually to what she has to say. Just not right now. I need to put some distance between discovery/confrontation and sitting down and hearing what smokescreen she has to throw up. I also want legal advice before then. She's got some soul searching to do before she can sit down and talk about anything with me.

[BryanP37]

i'm a little confused..... you say her friend suspected your wife was OW before she came to stay with you guys?

 

She suspected her a couple of weeks back when she went by her house to get some things while her husband was gone. It was obvious to her he had recently had a fling and he had not cleaned up. Would not have suspected my wife had the cigarette butts and empty pack had not been left behind.

[adelia]

Our sex life up until I figured out what was going on was very good. I would have considered us soulmates. I will listen eventually to what she has to say. Just not right now. I need to put some distance between discovery/confrontation and sitting down and hearing what smokescreen she has to throw up. I also want legal advice before then. She's got some soul searching to do before she can sit down and talk about anything with me.

 

Yes you need to do what's right for you. There's a lot if hurt and deciet that's happened. That takes time to sort through. Best of luck

[Artie Lang]

wow, that's some really effed up ****..... i mean, the way you guys found out who the OW really was.

 

by the way, thank you for your service, m'man.

[adelia]

Our sex life up until I figured out what was going on was very good. I would have considered us soulmates. I will listen eventually to what she has to say. Just not right now. I need to put some distance between discovery/confrontation and sitting down and hearing what smokescreen she has to throw up. I also want legal advice before then. She's got some soul searching to do before she can sit down and talk about anything with me.

 

Yes you need to do what's right for you. There's a lot if hurt and deciet that's happened. That takes time to sort through. Best of luck