Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[ComingInHot]

BryanP,

My heart goes out to you! Having "resolve" does not make the pain any less but it will give you Focus and a plan that you will be able to follow step by step until the D is finalized.

 

You already have the D Attorney correct?

How about letting some people in on what's going on and get some support?

 

I am truly so sorry you are hurting!

[Bryanp]

Just for point of clarification:

 

Bryanp and Bryanp37 are two different people.

[ComingInHot]

Oh for Pete's Sake! Duh... I meant... BryanP37!!

 

It didn't even register*

[BryanP37]

nothing can be more further from the truth- IT'S NOT EASY! how can it be easy to let go of someone you cared so deeply for. the thing is, infidelity is just a dealbreaker sometimes..... simple as that.

 

You are SO right! It is a deal breaker as I told her years ago. It was foolish of me to think R would be remotely possible especially since I got details. Maybe not all but plenty to make the decision a no brainier. My hats off to anyone who can hear what I heard and even consider attempting to work things out.

 

I'm under no delusions that the upcoming divorce will be easy. Easy though in comparison to trying to somehow work this out and continue to be married to a booty call girl. Someone said earlier I would never feel safe. From what I heard from her at lunch, I know I would never feel safe with her again. Trusting her got me to this.

 

Oh, and I made an appointment to be tested for STD's.

[krazikat]

I'm glad that you know divorce isn't going 2 be easy. Depending on how long you were married and what state you live in, you might be responsible for spousal support for a while, since she makes less than you do. You probably also need 2 pay her half the equity in your house and split your other assets 50/50. Your lawyer can help you with this.

 

Another option would be 2 work with a mediator, which could save a ton of money so long as neither of you contests the division of sh*t.

 

Stick around here for a while, 2. While your marriage isn't going 2 recover (smart since you have no kids), you will still need 2 recover yourself after what you've been through (so does she, but that's not your problem). There are a lot of good folks here with a lot of years of their own experience 2 offer you.

 

best,

-ol' 2long

 

I believe he said TX, which is in his benefit...at most limited duration spousal support, but considering the circumstances, possibly nothing aside from property stuff...TX may be one of the easiest states for divorce, from what I researched after dday.

[BryanP37]

Thanks! I believe I will stick around. I have a feeling the worst may be yet to come befor life gets better. I understand from my inlaws that my wife appears broken. At their house sobbing her head off. They do understand why. The support their daughter becaus shes their kid. They don't however condone anything she's done. She can stay until the smoke clears. She will be on their own.

 

I want to sell the house. The sooner the better. Real estate here is booming. Will begin some prep. Cleaning carpets and such to get smoke odors out. Otherwise our house is not quite 5 years old. I want to blow this life up ASAP and move on. I am not going to contest any property. I'm mostly interested in getting out of the house. The trinkets mean little to me.

[Bryanp]

I am always amazed. What in the world did your wife think would happen when she engaged in this terrible behavior? Did she actually think you would accept this? Is she that out of touch with reality? Talk about a person with unrealistic expectations.

[Athens]

I agree with the others, not that there are degrees of affairs, because they all suck, but it seems your wife has some serious personality flaws that would be hard to overlook. Cheating on you is bad enough, but her BF and then being the one to console when she is the cause just screams....run, run fast! My guess is you would have a hard time overcoming this, but if you decide to, we will be there for you if you decide to continue to post. Every situation is different, so you need to decide for yourself if you can handle and rebuild. While you are doing this, please remember to take care of yourself....you are what matters most right now, don't forget that!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks! I believe I will stick around. I have a feeling the worst may be yet to come befor life gets better. I understand from my inlaws that my wife appears broken. At their house sobbing her head off. They do understand why. The support their daughter becaus shes their kid. They don't however condone anything she's done. She can stay until the smoke clears. She will be on their own.

 

I want to sell the house. The sooner the better. Real estate here is booming. Will begin some prep. Cleaning carpets and such to get smoke odors out. Otherwise our house is not quite 5 years old. I want to blow this life up ASAP and move on. I am not going to contest any property. I'm mostly interested in getting out of the house. The trinkets mean little to me.

 

Sorry for what you are going through It's horrible I know.

Just my impression, you are full on in the anger stage of the grief process. You are protecting yourself from further harm. I have no problem with this. Just wanted to make sure you realize it. Next up is grief. Prepare for that. It's gonna probably be horrible. That point when you've done all you can do and it's time to just accept fate for what it is, that's when I predict the crippling pain will hit you like a truck. The anger is good for a while, you mask the pain with action. It's good as long as you use the anger wisely. I think you are doing a good job so far. Maybe a tad harsh...but..probably required. I haven't heard you mention kids...so yeah, I back what you are doing. Good luck to you man. You sound like someone who knows himself better than I did when this happened to me. Anyway, I guess my advice is when the grief stage hits, work through it as ****ty as it is. You need to do that (IC may help). No need to rush it though.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[stillafool]

Thanks! I believe I will stick around. I have a feeling the worst may be yet to come befor life gets better. I understand from my inlaws that my wife appears broken. At their house sobbing her head off. They do understand why. The support their daughter becaus shes their kid. They don't however condone anything she's done. She can stay until the smoke clears. She will be on their own.

 

 

 

I'm sure her parents are extremely disappointed in her but like you said she is their daughter. When my bio mom cheated on my dad (leaving 3 little kids at home alone to do so. The oldest was 4), her parents begged my dad to take her back. He moved forward with divorce. They are probably going to try to talk you into staying with her. Does your parents know about this yet?

[BryanP37]

I'm sure her parents are extremely disappointed in her but like you said she is their daughter. When my bio mom cheated on my dad (leaving 3 little kids at home alone to do so. The oldest was 4), her parents begged my dad to take her back. He moved forward with divorce. They are probably going to try to talk you into staying with her. Does your parents know about this yet?

 

My wife and her parents came over a little while back with some movers for her to clear the rest of her personal effects and some other things that are hers. My mom is dead but my dad is here with my 3 sisters supervising. I am #3 out of 4 kids. My oldest sister flew in from Denver when she heard from my dad. I'm staying out of it. My sisters were nearly a lynch mob at first but my dad has it under control. It's freaking my wife out that I will not touch her. She fell to the floor in hysterics when I backed away when she tried to embrace me. My father in law asked me if I was set on seeing this through to a divorce. Her mom urged me to reconsider. All I could say is get Sandi to tell you what she told me this afternoon, and I bet you might disown her. The woman makes me physically ill to see her and the thought of touching her nauseates me. Hopefully they will finish soon. Such a shame.

 

Emotions are catching up to me. After my wife's breakdown, It was more than I could watch. Like watching someone being killed. I went to another part of the house and broke down myself. I can't hold anything down either. It's been that way since this afternoon. The Air Force hardened me to high stress environments, but I believe I reached a saturation point today. Glad my sisters are here to help. I'm afraid there is more of this to come. I do need to figure out how to take care of myself.

[Furious]

My wife and her parents came over a little while back with some movers for her to clear the rest of her personal effects and some other things that are hers. My mom is dead but my dad is here with my 3 sisters supervising. I am #3 out of 4 kids. My oldest sister flew in from Denver when she heard from my dad. I'm staying out of it. My sisters were nearly a lynch mob at first but my dad has it under control. It's freaking my wife out that I will not touch her. She fell to the floor in hysterics when I backed away when she tried to embrace me. My father in law asked me if I was set on seeing this through to a divorce. Her mom urged me to reconsider. All I could say is get Sandi to tell you what she told me this afternoon, and I bet you might disown her. The woman makes me physically ill to see her and the thought of touching her nauseates me. Hopefully they

will finish soon. Such a shame.

 

Emotions are catching up to me. After my wife's breakdown, It was more than I could watch. Like watching someone being killed. I went to another part of the

house and broke down myself. I can't hold anything down either. It's been that way since this afternoon. The Air Force hardened me to high stress

environments, but I believe I reached a saturation point today. Glad my sisters are here to help. I'm afraid there is more of this to come. I do need to figure out how to take care of myself.

 

What an excruciating and raw day this has been for you. So painful and very sad for you and the entire family.

 

It's a good thing your family is there for you. Try to at least drink water, keep hydrated and try to rest.

 

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. Take it one day at a time and know that as difficult as it is now that you will get through this.

Edited April 18, 2013 by Furious
Correction

[stillafool]

 

 

Emotions are catching up to me. After my wife's breakdown, It was more than I could watch. Like watching someone being killed. I went to another part of the house and broke down myself. I can't hold anything down either. It's been that way since this afternoon. The Air Force hardened me to high stress environments, but I believe I reached a saturation point today. Glad my sisters are here to help. I'm afraid there is more of this to come. I do need to figure out how to take care of myself.

 

 

It is normal to feel sympathy for what your wife is feeling right now. I"m sure she feels destroyed right now and she knows she can't blame anyone but herself. I can't believe she said this guy this guy smooth talked her into sleeping with him. She had a happy marriage and just because her best friends husband sweet talked her she fell into bed with him?

 

If you are having trouble eating try drinking low sodium chicken broth, crackers, yogurt and plenty of water.

 

Cry, grieve and work out. Glad your sisters are with you.

[2sunny]

Considering your circumstances - I think you're making wise choices for yourself and your future.

 

I know it's very hard - life changing!

 

Best to look out for your best interest. She's not the woman you thought she was.

 

It's frightening how some can be such good liars!

 

She deserves what she gets. I hope you can move forward quickly knowing you deserve better!

 

Counseling may help you sort through the delusions she presented to you so easily. It's a mind &uck to sort them out!

 

My deceit from my exH lasted 23 years! I wish I'd seen the red flags sooner! But I'm glad to be free of the lies and manipulation.

[wheream_i]

You said you make good money, have a great career, nice house and other possessions. If the shoe were on the other foot, do you think she would hesitate to take you to the cleaners and make your life a living hell?

 

 

You used a Post-It note to let her know you knew what was going on? Dude, I would've outed her at home in front of her best friend.

[2sunny]

It's harder to see what's 'really going on' when a partner is like your W - all full of affection, good sex and loving gestures - all the while stabbing in the back the whole time!

 

Some folks are just good at lying - and that reality is tough to admit when not used to dealing with liars.

[BryanP37]

I've had almost 4 days now since I called out my wife on her affair. It's clear there is no where to go but divorce. In the process I've come down on her in a manner she would never have thought possible. I inflicted immense emotional pain on her to a point that could be construed as abuse. My dad and my sisters called me out on that fact last night after my wife and her parents left with the rest of her things. They told me I made it abundently clear she hurt me and I have a right to be upset. However, I do not have a right to conduct myself in such a manner that I inflict much worse damage on her to the point I turn her into a pile of mush.

 

With that in mind, I called her and met with her at her parents. Very surprised she agreed to see me. She is off work as she cannot function. That part is at my hands and I am ashamed of myself for doing so. What she did cannot be fixed to suit me. Her bad, but I took my retribution too far. Some may not agree with this, but I apologized to her, took her in my arms and embraced her. I only apologized for my actions, not for how I feel about what happened. She understand fully where this must go now. I left her in a much more happy state of mind, and I'm in a better frame of mind as well. We have a long way to go to dissolve our marriage. It's better to do it being kind to each other in the process. She is not forgiven yet. If she wants that, she will have to earn it.

 

As bad as what she did was, she really didn't deserve what came back on her to the extent i inflicted it. What's done is done. The drill now is for both of us to do our best to heal and get on with life. I really do hope she learns from this. I certainly did. It took my family calling me out that got me to see I was actually making the situation worse. Despite what happened, I do love this woman, but she can no longer be my wife. I don't want her in my life when we are finished, but I wan't no more bitter feelings to cloud the history. The history was great, just the ending was bad.

[adelia]

im so sorry. just know there are many people here to help you along the way. have you thought about talking to a psychologist about whats happened?

 

 

QUOTE=BryanP37;4808003]My wife and her parents came over a little while back with some movers for her to clear the rest of her personal effects and some other things that are hers. My mom is dead but my dad is here with my 3 sisters supervising. I am #3 out of 4 kids. My oldest sister flew in from Denver when she heard from my dad. I'm staying out of it. My sisters were nearly a lynch mob at first but my dad has it under control. It's freaking my wife out that I will not touch her. She fell to the floor in hysterics when I backed away when she tried to embrace me. My father in law asked me if I was set on seeing this through to a divorce. Her mom urged me to reconsider. All I could say is get Sandi to tell you what she told me this afternoon, and I bet you might disown her. The woman makes me physically ill to see her and the thought of touching her nauseates me. Hopefully they will finish soon. Such a shame.

 

Emotions are catching up to me. After my wife's breakdown, It was more than I could watch. Like watching someone being killed. I went to another part of the house and broke down myself. I can't hold anything down either. It's been that way since this afternoon. The Air Force hardened me to high stress environments, but I believe I reached a saturation point today. Glad my sisters are here to help. I'm afraid there is more of this to come. I do need to figure out how to take care of myself.

[BryanP37]

I'm exploring options I'm entitled to from the VA and the Air Force. I was offered counciling when I was in the Air Force after the Iraq war and I felt it helped me cope better with what my role in the war was. This leaves you with the same trauma feeling as combat. They offer IC for divorce recovery as well as it is rampant among military officers. If not there, I will explore my options when I get back to work on Monday.

 

The sting is still felt, but making things right after how I treated my wife these past few days is a start in the right direction.

[Bryanp]

It certainly sounds like you did the honorable thing. Good luck.

[adelia]

I'm exploring options I'm entitled to from the VA and the Air Force. I was offered counciling when I was in the Air Force after the Iraq war and I felt it helped me cope better with what my role in the war was. This leaves you with the same trauma feeling as combat. They offer IC for divorce recovery as well as it is rampant among military officers. If not there, I will explore my options when I get back to work on Monday.

 

The sting is still felt, but making things right after how I treated my wife these past few days is a start in the right direction.

 

well this is a form of trauma, emotional. i have talked to a psychologist in the past and found it quite helpful. sometimes while your sitting there youre thinking this is going nowhere but its after you leave that the tools they give you stick with you and help. venting and getting their take on things is so very helpful. many a time id be surprised how narrow my thinking was or that other options i hadnt even thought of were there. best of luck and keep us posted. hugz

[2sunny]

While I don't agree with dishing out abuse...

 

I can't help but think that she served you up her own brand of abuse with smiles and affection... Just of a different sort and style.

 

Doesn't make any of it right.

 

Stay calm and centered... Try not to hand her any more of your power.

 

I agree he counseling could be helpful.

[adelia]

It is normal to feel sympathy for what your wife is feeling right now. I"m sure she feels destroyed right now and she knows she can't blame anyone but herself. I can't believe she said this guy this guy smooth talked her into sleeping with him. She had a happy marriage and just because her best friends husband sweet talked her she fell into bed with him?

 

If you are having trouble eating try drinking low sodium chicken broth, crackers, yogurt and plenty of water.

 

Cry, grieve and work out. Glad your sisters are with you.

 

i just wanted to say i dont in any way condone her behavior and deciet but people do mess up in life. she sounds like a very confused unhappy woman. its heartbreaking see the pain and damage as a result. im sure she is feeling the loss very strongly. as pointed out she made the decision and with that consequences.

[2sunny]

i just wanted to say i dont in any way condone her behavior and deciet but people do mess up in life. she sounds like a very confused unhappy woman. its heartbreaking see the pain and damage as a result. im sure she is feeling the loss very strongly. as pointed out she made the decision and with that consequences.

 

Are you a cheater Adelia? You seem to feel too much for the one doing the cheating - from your few posts I've read...

[stillafool]

 

The sting is still felt, but making things right after how I treated my wife these past few days is a start in the right direction.

 

Don't beat yourself up over losing control in this situation. Alot of husbands would have tried to strangle her if in your position. It is good that you realize that abuse is not the solution to this. Now you are feeling guilty and I'm sure you wife feels she has some power back as a result. You will hurt her more by being calm, sure in your decisions and moving on with your life.