Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[stillafool]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

 

Are you saying all of this because you are having an affair with a married man yourself?

[BryanP37]

Who cares what the cheating b*tch above thinks. Not looking for sympathy, just venting and thinking outloud to a great bunch of folks. This begins a new week. Much better than last week. Now I know where this is headed and can get started cleaning this train wreck up. The legal process is moving and I am looking into selling the house. The solution is to blow this life up and try again when I'm ready and I'll take my chances on whether or not I find someone else who cheats. I will be fine.

 

If I am at fault, so be it, but it takes two to make it or screw it up. I am who I am, but At least I was honest about who I am. My other half hid her dirty laundry well. At this point of highs and lows, I don't give a sh*t. All that matters is I will be out of this mess soon and I can try again knowing a lot more than when I started.

[scatterd]

BryanP37

Do not let her opinion get to you she is a OW. No one deserves to be cheated on and their is woman out there that does not cheat. keep posting and take the good advice given and ignore the ones that do not help. You have every right to be hurt you was lied to.

[CarrieT]

Bryan, I applaud how you have been dealing with this and hope you know that there *are* monogamous, loving women out there...

 

I hope this hasn't scared you too much from having another relationship, but - as you said - you now know more than you did.

 

I was married at 20 and divorced at 25 when I found my husband cheating on me with other men. It took me almost 25 years to find someone else I would consider marrying. I'm just offering that it is possible to heal and find love again!

[BryanP37]

There's always going to be a crackpot playing devils advocate. Whatever thrills them, as long as they enjoy themselves. I've gotten good advice and am taking the simplest approach (by no means easy).

 

Will not pursue getting into a relationship anytime soon, but I will be open to it one of these days when I'm ready. The next one has a steep hill to climb to gain trust as I hope they don't blindly trust me. Hormones got the best of me the first time. I should have taken a closer look at the trophy wife and I may have seen something different. That was then. This has made me grow up fast. That's the biggest lesson I'll gain from this.

[stillafool]

You are a good man Bryan and women are tripping over each other to find a man like you. When you are ready you will not have any problems finding a loyal, faithful and loving woman. There are more good women than bad ones.

[BryanP37]

You are a good man Bryan and women are tripping over each other to find a man like you. When you are ready you will not have any problems finding a loyal, faithful and loving woman. There are more good women than bad ones.

 

Thanks so much. You've been a big help being a sounding board for me.

[ladydesigner]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

 

Honestly no one in this forum, especially someone recently betrayed, need to hear drivel like this. I feel very sorry for you that you feel this way. Yes we do all have fantasies, but not all of us act out on them and then blame the other person for it. Your answer was probably not helpful to the OP.

[Chi townD]

You heard about her extracurricular activities through your in-laws? They knew about this the whole time or is this something she recently fessed up to her folks?

 

Because, if your in-laws knew all this time.....I would be TOTALLY pissed at them.

[BryanP37]

You heard about her extracurricular activities through your in-laws? They knew about this the whole time or is this something she recently fessed up to her folks?

 

Because, if your in-laws knew all this time.....I would be TOTALLY pissed at them.

 

This is something my wife confessed to them over the weekend.

[jlola]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one??

 

I have wanted to shake people, slap people,do other things, But have never done that. Thinking and doing are tow different things. You go to jail for doing bad things. You do not go to jail for thinking them.

 

Funny how cheaters,thieves and murderers have the same defense. "Everyone is capable" is their favorite, or "Let he without sin". Sure we all are capable. But many have morals and just because we are capable, we do not act upon i. People who do immoral things are always so quick to tell you how everyone is capable.

 

They so lack emotional awareness they have no idea how NOT to act on their impulses. I was not even allowed to use the "well, everyone does it" or "so and so did it too" excuse when I was a child. Let alone use it as an adult. The more I see the cheater mentality, the more I understand why so many relationships cannot make it.

 

Selfishness ,entitlement,bad impulse control,unrealistic expectations(my marriage should be passionate,perfect all the time, no low points)bad boundaries,immaturity really do not make good traits for a marriage. Unfortunately it seems half the people who marry have those traits. No wonder the divorce rate is so high

 

Look, I am far from perfect, but I will never intentionally harm anyone. But there are selfish people out there who do not care about others but themselves. If you are going to be a lying,deceptive,manipulative,gaslighting cheater, at least have the decency to stay single so you don't hurt anyone but yourself.

[ladydesigner]

As a former remorseful ow, I was embarrassed to read that drivel and felt bad that Bryan would see it.

 

Bryan........I wish you peace and healing and when that happens a wonderful loyal woman for your future. Your wife is broken. Leave her to clean up her own mess.

 

I know what you mean I am a fMOW and have lived both sides. It is so heart wrenching to see it all. If only everyone could be enlightened

[jlola]

Bryan,

 

My father also had an affair with my mother's best friend when I was little. I never knew about it till I was grown. But I do know we stopped going on vacations with them, she never came round anymore and her husband divorced her.

 

What Haveaheadache, wrote is a complete OPPOSITE of what I saw. My mother was the good one. My father selfish as can be. She gave all to the marriage, he was entitled. He wanted perfect wife and kids.

 

My mother's ex best friend's husband was always extra nice. In fact, I heard someone once say his new wife(got remarried,bff never did) is very lucky to have found such a good man. Ex BFF was rather flirty.

 

I sometimes think there are people who get bored with a good spouse. they want someone who treats them bad so they can have drama. Good,loving,respectful spouses are a turn-off.

 

This is what I saw with my father and mother's ex Bff.

 

Those kind of people need to let left alone. They are lost and good people are always lured in to try to love them right. But they really never appreciate it.

 

Some may eventually. But you have to pull the rug out from under them HARD! reality only comes to them when they feel the effects of their actions in a drastic way.

 

Wish my mother had been as strong as ex BFF's husband and given my father the boot. Perhaps giving herself a chance to meet a decent man.I don't think there is anything more disrespectful than cheating with your best friend's husband. Unless it is a family member.

[leftfordead2]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

 

 

 

Your parents sure taught you 'well'.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've been lurking through and "liking" posts.

 

You're doing amazing!

 

If you were to read how much many of the other BSs thought they would react like you have and then....fell apart, you'd be amazed.

 

You must be very disciplined.

[BryanP37]

I've been lurking through and "liking" posts.

 

You're doing amazing!

 

If you were to read how much many of the other BSs thought they would react like you have and then....fell apart, you'd be amazed.

 

You must be very disciplined.

 

Thanks! I credit my parents and the USAF Academy. Didn't envision what I learned there would come in so handy when my marriage imploded. Caused my initial response to be a tad heavy but in the end appropriate for the circumstances.

[BeholdtheMan]

Thanks! I credit my parents and the USAF Academy. Didn't envision what I learned there would come in so handy when my marriage imploded. Caused my initial response to be a tad heavy but in the end appropriate for the circumstances.

It's quite refreshing to have someone on this board who shows the level of strength you have shown.

 

You didn't tolerate her B.S. and act desperate and weak (despite your inner turmoil). You took action and dumped a deceitful, shameless woman who doesn't deserve your continued affection. I find the way you handled things to be pretty inspirational.

 

Even from this extremely painful experience, a positive lesson can be taken away.

 

Judging a person's character is a tricky task. I'm sure will be more careful in the future and find a wonderful woman who will reciprocate your faithfulness and love.

 

I know this is scarcely any comfort, but be glad that at least you found out about your wife's deceitful ways. At least now, you can dump her and move on with dignity, instead of living a lie.

[BryanP37]

Found a therapist to try. I attempted to do this through the VA, but it would take forever to get in the system and into a therapist. Found this one on my Dr's suggestion when I went in for an exam and to be tested for STD's today. A bit embarrassing telling the nurse what I'm there for. I'm sure she's heard it all by now but not something I've worried about in years.

 

My doctor was going to insist on counciling of some sort if I wavered any on the subject. Sent me on my way with several choices in hand. Have an initial consolation Friday afternoon with one that appears to have a good track record. He was concerned about my weight loss as I haven't been under 200lbs since high school. It will eventually resolve itself when my appetite returns and some heavy weight lifting.

 

A few days of no contact with anyone on the subject has allowed me to detach somewhat. It's now a business deal to end this ASAP. Will go spend next week with oldest sister and visit with her husband and find out what the hell happened years back when my sister cheated on him. Makes me look at her differently now. It caused tension between us when I found out recently. Would love to hear his side of it. From what she told me, she should have hit the street. But then again, they have kids.

 

Hopefully now that the firestorm has calmed and the legal system is moving, I can ease back to some normalcy. She hasn't been served yet by a process server. It should happen in the next week. I'm sure there will be a reaction, but I will no longer communicate directly until I'm required to.

[Furious]

I've got to say again, that you're showing great strength and fortitude.

 

You're doing all the right things and eventually, with time, you'll feel a sense of normalcy return to your life.

 

You're a good man Bryan.

[BryanP37]

Process servers I hear caught up with soon to be ex today. She wasn't hard to find, as she hasn't left her parents house since we met last week. Since I've cut off all contact, I haven't been aware of what her mental state is. Frankly, I do not care. As for myself, no contact has allowed me to detach and be at peace with what has to be done. As I expected, I got an emotional response from her, although I did not take the call or acknowledge her in any way. She knows the rules. I'm not backing down.

 

I have thoroughly read through most of the LS forums and have looked at many examples of cheating spouses and betrayed spouses. Some of those to me would be worthy of reconciliation. This fiasco as compared to others is a no brainer. She had no intention of stopping. I'm really glad I was sort of able to catch her in action at the AP's house with a stack of email traffic to back me up. If I had confronted it from a distance when I was out of town based on the iPhone location, it would have been a chore to get her to admit what she was up to despite the email traffic. What I don't get, is why did she leave the email traffic in her email account? None of the text and phone activity would confirm an affair in progress by itself. Probable cause maybe, but without copies and recordings, fodder for a big fight. If you confront with that alone, there's no telling what kind of fantastic crap you would hear as an excuse. A friend of mine thinks she was trying to get caught. I don't think so. I firmly believe she felt I felt so at ease with her I wouldn't feel I needed to check up on her.

 

I will continue to post as things develop. My focus now is my own healing and dissolving this farce of a marriage as painlessly as possible. I know what's ahead will not be easy, but I feel after a tumultuous start, I've exorcised my vindictive feelings and I can calmly see this through. My hats off to those spouses who are able to truly reconcile and move on and have a fruitful life together. You folks are truly special. I wish I was that strong.

Edited April 24, 2013 by BryanP37

[Guitarjeff]

"My hats off to those spouses who are able to truly reconcile and move on and have a fruitful life together. You folks are truly special."

 

Or extremely weak or suffering from very low self-esteem.

[ladydesigner]

"My hats off to those spouses who are able to truly reconcile and move on and have a fruitful life together. You folks are truly special."

 

Or extremely weak or suffering from very low self-esteem.

 

He was giving a compliment to BS's that were able to R and your comment was deflating to BS's in R or trying to R. God only knows I had absolutely no self-esteem after DDay. I am just starting to get that back. I am in a tentative R at the moment and have experienced multiple DDays. We are all doing the best that we can.

[Guitarjeff]

Anyone who gets "Deflated" by my comment already has some serious troubles beyond that. The point I am making is many people stay out of shear weakness, or for financial reasons, or for low self-esteem reasons thinking they will never be able to get anyone else, so they figure staying in this pain and living with an internal cancer is better than facing their fears at the thought of starting over.

 

So clearly, (and this is obvious just considering human nature), many people who stay in the marriage are NOT doing it because they have some great love and honor. That's great if some do, but many don't, so what I said was flat out truth.

 

 

He was giving a compliment to BS's that were able to R and your comment was deflating to BS's in R or trying to R. God only knows I had absolutely no self-esteem after DDay. I am just starting to get that back. I am in a tentative R at the moment and have experienced multiple DDays. We are all doing the best that we can.

[Guitarjeff]

I don't know of many BSs who weren't low on self esteem right after d-day. Recovery of the marriage takes real strength and resolve especially for the BS. Becoming a doormat is a sign of weakness or continued lack of self esteem, but it also isn't recovery.

 

-ol' 2long

 

True, I'm sure everyone who goes through DDay has esteem problems, but not everyone stays in it.

 

I disagree that it takes real strength in every case. As I pointed out, I'm sure many stay out of fear or financial reasons and figure this pain is the lesser of two evils. Sorry, but I don't really consider that situation as showing real strength and resolve. I think that sometimes staying with a cheater shows the exact opposite.

[drifter777]

True, I'm sure everyone who goes through DDay has esteem problems, but not everyone stays in it.

 

I disagree that it takes real strength in every case. As I pointed out, I'm sure many stay out of fear or financial reasons and figure this pain is the lesser of two evils. Sorry, but I don't really consider that situation as showing real strength and resolve. I think that sometimes staying with a cheater shows the exact opposite.

 

Couldn't agree more strongly. Fear was the biggest motivation for me to stay and try to live with what she did and the biggest regret of my life. I will go to my grave wishing I would have walked away. Just because I choose not to punish her now because many years of history has allowed her to prove she is not that same stupid, selfish person doesn't mean I don't have this huge regret.