Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[BryanP37]

Tell me what sort of things you like doing and I'm happy to make suggestions. I'm a food-and-wine writer and spend a lot of time seeking out cool entertainment. I will steer you away from the tourists traps and make some recommendations on memorable places you might enjoy!

 

Apparently my employer didnt expect me back from LOA so soon. My trip next week is off as they did not book it. I still would like to know some good places to go in the Bay Area. I prefer going to where the locals go and shy away from tourist traps. I like live music and just about any kind of cuisine, especially ethnic. Baseball too if the Giants or A's are in town. If I have a car, I like getting out away from the city. Would love to visit a winery if time permits. Any pointers are welcome.

Edited May 17, 2013 by BryanP37

[ComingInHot]

Have. A. Great. Weekend!!!!!!!

 

I know you are strong but it's still okay to have a "letting" of sorts. So however you do that, don't for on moment think you are alone!

How could you though? You've got the sister crew watching your back.

[BryanP37]

Have. A. Great. Weekend!!!!!!!

 

I know you are strong but it's still okay to have a "letting" of sorts. So however you do that, don't for on moment think you are alone!

How could you though? You've got the sister crew watching your back.

 

Thanks CIH!

 

Hard to not have fun where I'm living for now. All kinds of fun within easy walking distance from my sisters condo, and she insists we take advantage of it. This is just what the doctor ordered to help mend an ailing spirit after what has gone down. We'll be out at it tonight with dinner and some serious beer drinking. Hopefully we can convince #2 sister that lives in the area to join us. I just hope my presence doesn't deter any guys that want to meet my little sister. Her presence seems to draw women my way.

 

Have a great weekend too!

Edited May 17, 2013 by BryanP37

[BeholdtheMan]

She badly misread me then if that was her thought process. WS need to know their BS better then. Apparently my WS had vastly different idea in her head of who I am versus reality. If that's the case, I did her a big favor setting her straight.

She underestimated your strength of will, probably thought you'd cling to her

 

I'm glad to prove people wrong when they do that.

 

Except my goal is to put this behind me and move forward and try to meet new women, not figure out how to accept what she did and remain married to her.

You couldn't have a healthier goal

 

What is so hard for her to understand that it is one strike and your out? If I'm bluffing, it's an awful expensive one. Getting rid of our house, about 75% of my material possessions, and setting up house at my little sisters's a bluff?

She must be semi-delusional if she thinks this is all a bluff. Whatever...her delusions are none of your concern.

[BryanP37]

Into my second week back to work. A Godsend! I almost feel human again. Very good to have your mind back into productive endeavors rather than dismantling a marriage. Hard to believe its been over 5 weeks since I confronted my stbx. I have to hand it to her, act or sincere, she is putting work into herself in an attempt to prove herself worthy to me. Stopped smoking, working with a personal trainer, heavily engaged in IC. I'm glad she's doing that as maybe it will help her be a real wife to the next guy that comes along. I hope I made it clear to her, we are done once D is final. Thursday morning the house closes. She still has a way to go to empty it out. I'm done helping.

 

IC for me is a bit confusing. The counciler seems to be playing devils advocate. She's probing whether or not I pulled the trigger too fast. In her opinion from what I described, outside the cheating incidents, we had a decent marriage, that ours could have been salvaged. My reaction is the cheating negated anything good about it. I see black and white. Good or bad, this is just how I am cooked up. My wife got what she deserved once found out, a foot in the arse to the street. Is my counciler playing some sort of mind trick? She is my wife's counciler as well but I would think she would keep us separate. We are not doing couples counciling. Guessing shes planting seeds of doubt to see if I've really thought this through. I believe I've come to the correct conclusion.

 

I am feeling grief over what has happened. I was told the grief stage would set in, and it has. Evenings are particularly bad. Because of this, my boss does not want me travelling again just yet. She's barely on board with me being back at work. My siblings are a big help defusing some of the raw emotion that surfaces. Despite my demeanor, this is hurting badly, but I do feel I'm beginning to heal. Big sister a phone call away, sister #2 a short drive away, and little sister in the house with me. Couldn't ask for a better support system.

Edited May 21, 2013 by BryanP37

[ComingInHot]

Hey BryanP37, just a short ⁴ word comment for you, Get. A. New. Councilor.

 

Your IC is human. He/she is dealing w/Both of you. As Unbiased as he/she may be, there are opinions being formed in his/her mind.

 

okay. It was more than 4 words...*

[BryanP37]

Hey BryanP37, just a short ⁴ word comment for you, Get. A. New. Councilor.

 

Your IC is human. He/she is dealing w/Both of you. As Unbiased as he/she may be, there are opinions being formed in his/her mind.

 

okay. It was more than 4 words...*

 

After leaving last Friday that sort of occurred to me. I didn't argue the point with her and let it go with what I told her. I'm not quite as dynamic as my stbx is, so maybe my neutral demeanor gives her the idea I'm not completely convinced. I'll see how Friday goes. If she doesn't steer away from second guessing me, I will look for a new counciler.

 

There is no way I could put myself through working through this and attempting R. Probably a bad thing for my psyche, but I've combed through dozens of infidelity stories where they attempt R from the support group sites. Made me ill to think what some of those people went through with a small chance of success. I can't do a 2 to 5 year recovery with someone who repulses me only for it to possibly happen again. I'll take my chances on finding someone new. Some make it, but mine needs to be destroyed. Best to recognize something just isn't worth fixing. Would do neither of us a favor.

[ComingInHot]

Queenofthenight, I Know this is a more "manly" site. BryanP37 I'm sorry for "feminizing" it for a moment but.................................

 

Queen, I like your flower*

[stillafool]

Bryan definitely find a new counselor. This one sounds like she is working for your wife. You need someone who will deal with your feelings only. This counselor is going to put you in a state of confusion. You are doing well you just need to limit contact with your ex.

[dreamingoftigers]

Bryan definitely find a new counselor. This one sounds like she is working for your wife. You need someone who will deal with your feelings only. This counselor is going to put you in a state of confusion. You are doing well you just need to limit contact with your ex.

 

I am amazed that she will even work with both of you.

I've never heard of an IC that would risk working with both spouses during a divorce. Not even the completely unprofessional one that I canned two years ago!

[BryanP37]

You all are probably right that my counciler may not be completely objective. I chose her based on her reputation and that she was close to where I was living. I didn't count on the house going so quickly. Now, she's quite a ways from both home and work. I'm going to one more session with her and ask if she's formed an opinion contrary to my goals. I've made it clear divorce is where I'm going. My STBX can improve whatever way she wishes, I'm not going back with her. I will stay with her if she was just testing my resolve. Anything other than what we initially discussed and I will ask her to recommend a different Counciler.

.

I'm sort of discounting the value of therapy after moving in with my sister. A change of scenery and being introduced to a different social circle has been a jump start. She could tell I was feeling down last night so she tells me get changed, we're going out. No sitting at home wallowing for you dear brother. We spent the evening exploring downtown Fort Worth and met up with a number of her friends. Nothing like drinks and engaging conversation with attractive single women to boost your self esteem. My sister is no therapist, but she certainly knows how to have fun and make me feel good about myself.

 

As far as contact with STBX, I've been forced to communicate often while getting the house ready for closing the sale. Tomorrow morning is closing day and that will be the last time I have to see her until our court date in mid July. After tomorrow morning, I will vanish and have nothing else to do with her until then.

Edited May 22, 2013 by BryanP37

[findingnemo]

Wow. I've just read the whole thread and I'm amazed at how you handled the situation. Getting a D was definitely the right choice, IMO.

 

You have a great family. I don't know if they know you participate in a forum. If they do, tell them that someone thinks they are simply fantastic. Not many people have that level of support in situations like this.

 

I feel sorry for your stbxw's parents. She owes them big time and I hope she changes for their sake. As for her, she may or may not change. She seems to have long-term issues. But that's her problem now.

 

Some woman is going to be lucky to meet you...to love and be loved by you. Take your time. There are plenty of good women waiting to meet you!

[2sunny]

I think your decision was smart - based on evidence that your wife hurt many - and that she didn't seem to have a conscience about who she was hurting. You can't MAKE someone grow a conscience! That's on her - and NOT yours to change.

 

And if the counselor isn't helping you find a way to grow from this experience - find a new counselor.

 

Tell the ones you interview - the past is taken care of for now - help is needed in my future ability to CHOOSE a healthy woman by identifying what that SHOULD look like.

[drifter777]

BryanP37: no IC should be giving you real advice on anything unless you are completely stuck. You talk, they listen. They try to gently guide you but they are not life coaches. They see you an hour a week and should never suppose they can tell you the best way to live your life. You should be angry and insulted that he/she is questioning your decision to divorce unless you are truly asking for help with your options.

 

Why are you seeing your wife's counselor in the first place? Your relationship is over, your just waiting for the paperwork to clear. Find your own counselor and if they start coaching you then find a new one.

[BryanP37]

BryanP37: no IC should be giving you real advice on anything unless you are completely stuck. You talk, they listen. They try to gently guide you but they are not life coaches. They see you an hour a week and should never suppose they can tell you the best way to live your life. You should be angry and insulted that he/she is questioning your decision to divorce unless you are truly asking for help with your options.

 

Why are you seeing your wife's counselor in the first place? Your relationship is over, your just waiting for the paperwork to clear. Find your own counselor and if they start coaching you then find a new one.

 

Actually, I went to this councilor first. I've gone to her close to a month. She seemed ok at first. My stbx has gone twice to her I think. Suspect I left evidence of where I'm going behind when I vacated my house a couple of weeks back so it appears she copied me. The more I read here and the feeling I came away from last Friday is it looks like I'm wasting my time with this one anyway. Going to go ahead and drop out for now and do some better research and find a more suitable one after D is final. As far as my mental health goes now, my siblings help me the most. Having a sampling of what single life holds for me in a few weeks helps too. With this in mind I had rather wait instead for my marriage to be officially in the past before I pursue counciling again AND with a different councilor.

Edited May 23, 2013 by BryanP37

[BeholdtheMan]

She is my wife's counciler as well but I would think she would keep us separate. We are not doing couples counciling. Guessing shes planting seeds of doubt to see if I've really thought this through. I believe I've come to the correct conclusion.

Perhaps...but I don't think you're the type of flip-flop. Once you're resolved to do something, you're gonna see it done. You're not gonna doubt your own decision. I say this because I have the same personality type in this regard

 

I would also advise getting a new councilor. Sharing a councilor with your soon to be ex-wife at this point is like sharing the same lawyer. You and your ex-wife are not a team anymore. You guys stopped being a team when she spread her legs for another man

 

Couldn't ask for a better support system.

Consider yourself lucky. I think detachment is key. Also, you might want to consider dating again. Don't keep yourself off the market for too long.

 

I can't do a 2 to 5 year recovery with someone who repulses me only for it to possibly happen again. I'll take my chances on finding someone new.

You don't need to sacrifice your self-respect and principles to attempt R with your serial cheater of a wife.

 

Seriously, from all the information you've revealed, you're making the wiser choice. You can move on and wish your ex-wife good luck in her future. You just won't be part of that future.

 

Nothing like drinks and engaging conversation with attractive single women to boost your self esteem

Seriously my man, it'll change your whole state of mind and uplift your spirits. Your lil sister is a godsend

 

Actually, I went to this councilor first. I've gone to her close to a month. She seemed ok at first. My stbx has gone twice to her I think. Suspect I left evidence of where I'm going behind when I vacated my house a couple of weeks back so it appears she copied me.

Yeah...get a new councilor. You wouldn't share a lawyer, why share a councilor? You're not trying to save the marriage. You're trying to cope with moving on. Why is this councilor constantly questioning your judgment. You don't need that and you certainly don't need to pay for that. It's detrimental to your mental state.

[BryanP37]

Last tangible asset of my marriage GONE! A huge relief to have that albatross off of my back. We just finished our part of closing the house sale. The buyers do it later today. I hope the buyers have better luck in that house than we did. I did not interact with my wife at all other than handing her a pen when she needed to sign. Both attorneys were there, so the proceedings were purely business. Both of my local siblings came with me but waited in the lobby until done. I have to admit she did look good. She wore a dress I would have considered my favorite previously. Didn't matter, I cannot look at her that way again. All went smoothly and now I am officially homeless. This will be the last time I deal with my wife until our court date come up. My feelings for her are gone as I see her for what she is. At the same time I hope she finds a way to get on track and have a good life.

 

Once done, I treated my siblings to IHOP. I've terminated IC for now. The councilor understood my concerns and will give me a list of other councilors to research. For now, hanging with little sister is really good therapy in itself. She has many single female friends and I'm meeting all of them. That in itself is a major attitude adjustor. I will not forgo IC. Will wait for D to finalize. In the meantime, I may try dating to get used to mixing with women again. No hurry but I don't want to deny myself pleasure. I have an outstanding wing woman to keep me honest and to keep me from making hasty choices. After all, I live in her house.

Edited May 23, 2013 by BryanP37

[BryanP37]

Been anxious this past week. STBX feeling the heat now after closing on the house sale not quite a week ago. Proceeds are split and being held in trust pending finalization. Assets split as agreed. Only thing left is to go to court and finish this off.

 

My wife is making a concerted effort to get me to reconsider. Unfortunately, I can't take her seriously. If I did an about face, all of my support would evaporate. The correct call has been made. With that, my lawyer has managed to get out court date moved to June 25. The first day we are eligible to be heard on an uncontested divorce is June 24. I'm looking forward to putting an end to this nightmare, but at the same time I know that's the day the blow will hurt the most. In my mind, she ceased being my wife on March 31 when I figured out what was up between the AT&T wireless and Uverse accounts. Confirmed it was ongoing with iCloud. So glad I picked up on the subtle hints from her friend or I would still be living this lie.

[BryanP37]

While we all know why she's trying 2 get you 2 reconsider and why you're not interested, I still would want 2 ask her - and maybe you can ask her this question yourself and put a stop 2 the attempts:

 

Why?

 

What does she imagine recovery would look like, considering what's transpired and how recently it transpired?

 

Because, i can't help but think that even if *she* thought about that for a while, she'd see how ridiculous and impossible a suggestion that is.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Just got done doing exactly this just as you suggested. I've held off saying anything to keep things on an even keel. But, you are right, the question needed to be asked. I asked why should we call everything off and rebuild our relationship? Her answer, because she loves me and wants to be a good wife to me. She needed to grow up and I've woke her up. My counter, "You love what i can give you. If I didn't make enough to give you the lifestyle you want, you'd dump me in a heartbeat. How can you ever think i will ever overcome the visual of you walking into our kitchen after I broke up the hump session with OM with you looking obviously disheveled in your leopard tights which I've never seen before. I know for a fact it started the day after Thanksgiving. The phone bill proves it. Or, knowing you had a fling at your first job after we moved to this area. Or, even worse, you screwing the airman while I was deployed. Need I say more??" She admits pursuing him. Asked, what do you not get?? "You have a masters degree, I know you're smart enough to understand I will NEVER trust you again! You can do nothing to overcome what you've done to me. Save it for whose next. I will say nothing more to you on this. We are DONE! Let's just get to the end of this so both of us can be free, please!" Hopefully this will be the end of it.

 

I actually have sort of connected with a friend of my little sister. Too early to tell if it will amount to anything, but I enjoy talking to her. I won't get close to anyone until I feel I'm ready for mine and their sake, but it doesn't hurt to talk to them to see what the future may hold.

Edited May 29, 2013 by BryanP37

[BeholdtheMan]

My wife is making a concerted effort to get me to reconsider. Unfortunately, I can't take her seriously. If I did an about face, all of my support would evaporate.

Indeed...but more importantly, if you did an about face, you'd betray your own principles.

 

Consider this...she might very well be banging other dudes during this whole process.

 

glad I picked up on the subtle hints from her friend or I would still be living this lie.

Might sound odd coming from a stranger over the internet...but I'm very glad for you too. It was a blessing in disguise.

 

JHer answer, because she loves me and wants to be a good wife to me. She needed to grow up and I've woke her up.

Good for her. Grow up with the next man.

 

"You love what i can give you. If I didn't make enough to give you the lifestyle you want, you'd dump me in a heartbeat.

You hit the nail on the head...of course she'll never admit it

 

he visual of you walking into our kitchen after I broke up the hump session with OM with you looking obviously disheveled in your leopard tights which I've never seen before.

Ugghh...that is a terrible visual. I feel for you. Cut this woman out as soon as possible (which you seem to be doing). You need to excise her poison.

 

I actually have sort of connected with a friend of my little sister. won't get close to anyone until I feel I'm ready for mine and their sake

I hope you find a woman who deserves you brother. Good luck

[ComingInHot]

Oh BryanP³ (d*MN # keypad )

I Want to applaude you and go on & on about your strength of character and emotional stability during this time, because it is AMAZING! I was a complete basket case. At least on the inside... oh I had my "moments" but I happen to be eerily calm during times of crisis only to "crack" when the crisis has been overcome. Sometimes it hits me right away, which is great so I can associate the emotions to the resolved crisis and move on.

 

So, here it is (I know I know another post by "that" lady...*), there are times, case in point, My H's A where I found out less than ten days before our scheduled move to another state, where I knew Not a soul etc... By the time I got the children & I settled into their new home and schools and decided to let H give R a shot w/me, I all but forgot to deal w/ANY emotions until they reared in a big (and small) way. It took me by surprise. So much time had passed that I didn't associate my sudden onslaught of depression, anger, hurt, and insecurity to the A.

 

All I'm saying is that right now you are the calm in this crazy raging storm going on around you. It is getting you through & getting things done.

But please don't forget to let the emotions come when the D is done and you are out of this sh*t storm. I don't want (because it's all about what I want right?!) Any junk from what has happened to you affect you and your future/prospective future relationships.

 

K. I'm done*

[LovesHangover]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

 

 

 

OMG! You can't be serious. You just can't be. You have taken me through every emotion imaginable with this post.

 

I believe in monogamy. My reasons are not purely religious. I've truly loved someone and didn't want anyone else. All I wanted to do was build a life with him. Sure, we ended and none of what I hoped for happened, but that's a story for another day.

 

While I was with him, sure I found other guys attractive, but I just simply wasn't interested. Even when his friend tried to kiss me in my living room, I stopped him and told him never to attempt to touch me like that again. Sure, I found my ex's friend attractive, but I wasn't interested in cheating on my love with anyone.

 

Sure relationships are hard, which is why you communicate and work through things together. No one deserves to be cheated on. If things are that bad in your relationship, break up. If you just want to play around, don't enter into a monogamous relationship. Cheating is not justifiable. Don't use this man's (or the best friend's) grief to attack him and justify yourself.

 

I am not one to vilify anyone or cast anyone into the undesirable camp. Nor do I think that people/relationships should be thrown away easily. However, when one acts in this manner they do these things to themselves especially when they are not remorseful or willing to change and have a long history of cheating.

 

Even though I'm not perfect, I'm not a part of the 58%, and joining the club isn't on my bucket list. Haven't done it and don't plan on it. Seriously, your post is so ridiculous that it's downright comical!!!!!!!

 

I'm not judging you. I am just appalled at your perspective. I even agree that we don't have to agree. But I have to state that no one deserves that kind of pain. It's been years since my ex blew up my heart by cheating with my "best friend," and I didn't do anything to deserve that. Can't allow anyone to insinuate that I did!

[2sunny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ihaveaheadache

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

 

 

Maybe you are his wife! You seem to want to blame him - not the cheating wife. Hmmm

 

By the way - I never cheated. Was M 20 years. I know plenty of people that never cheated.

 

The OP (Bryan) is NOT the blame of his wife's serial cheating = she is!

 

Your perspective is so off balance I have difficulty understanding anyone feels the way you posted. It must suck to be that jaded.

 

His wife is the only one responsible for her behavior/actions.

 

I think the OP is doing a fantastic job of respecting himself, having a healthy, solid boundary and in knowing he didn't deserve the crappy behavior his exW dished out!

 

She was spoiled, sneaky and disrespectful! That's not his fault!

 

You seem like maybe you're his exW!

[LovesHangover]

Anyone who gets "Deflated" by my comment already has some serious troubles beyond that. The point I am making is many people stay out of shear weakness, or for financial reasons, or for low self-esteem reasons thinking they will never be able to get anyone else, so they figure staying in this pain and living with an internal cancer is better than facing their fears at the thought of starting over.

 

So clearly, (and this is obvious just considering human nature), many people who stay in the marriage are NOT doing it because they have some great love and honor. That's great if some do, but many don't, so what I said was flat out truth.

 

I disagree with you. I don't think it's necessarily weak to stay or strong to leave.

[BeholdtheMan]

Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better

Yes it does. It's called self-control out of love and respect for another person

 

Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one??

Hmm...that's a tough one. What's worse, if I mentally want to punch you but don't act on my urge, or if I walk up to you and actually smash your face in?