Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[LovesHangover]

All the best to you!

[BryanP37]

Oh BryanP³ (d*MN # keypad )

I Want to applaude you and go on & on about your strength of character and emotional stability during this time, because it is AMAZING! I was a complete basket case. At least on the inside... oh I had my "moments" but I happen to be eerily calm during times of crisis only to "crack" when the crisis has been overcome. Sometimes it hits me right away, which is great so I can associate the emotions to the resolved crisis and move on.

 

So, here it is (I know I know another post by "that" lady...*), there are times, case in point, My H's A where I found out less than ten days before our scheduled move to another state, where I knew Not a soul etc... By the time I got the children & I settled into their new home and schools and decided to let H give R a shot w/me, I all but forgot to deal w/ANY emotions until they reared in a big (and small) way. It took me by surprise. So much time had passed that I didn't associate my sudden onslaught of depression, anger, hurt, and insecurity to the A.

 

All I'm saying is that right now you are the calm in this crazy raging storm going on around you. It is getting you through & getting things done.

But please don't forget to let the emotions come when the D is done and you are out of this sh*t storm. I don't want (because it's all about what I want right?!) Any junk from what has happened to you affect you and your future/prospective future relationships.

 

K. I'm done*

 

I am very lucky in that I have 3 amazing sisters to help me along my way. Even my oldest whose done exactly what my STBX has done has given me a tremendous amout of help. At the same time, I've helped her understand what a nasty blow she dealt her own husband. All are worried I will take resentment into my next relationship. I don't think I will. That's the good thing about being the only male among a crowd of females among my siblings. I see 3 very good women in my 3 sisters. That means to me there are more out there. No reason to harbor ill feelings beyond what's happened.

 

I do worry about what will happen when this is done. I am in full grief stage. Ok during the day, it builds in the evening. This means one of my siblings is either on the phone with me or sitting across the table from me. I try to vary it to not lean too hard on any one of them. They are all glad I give them the opportunity to help me. Will not wait for D to be final to continue IC. I find that my employer offers assistance. My boss is insisting. She's used it herself a few years back and she swears by it.

 

I keep trying to convince myself this isn't an ending, but a beginning. Just wish it didn't hurt so much!

[GorillaTheater]

I suspect it's been said before, but this thread absolutely needs to be a sticky.

 

Bryan, hang in there. You're doing great.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am very lucky in that I have 3 amazing sisters to help me along my way. Even my oldest whose done exactly what my STBX has done has given me a tremendous amout of help. At the same time, I've helped her understand what a nasty blow she dealt her own husband. All are worried I will take resentment into my next relationship. I don't think I will. That's the good thing about being the only male among a crowd of females among my siblings. I see 3 very good women in my 3 sisters. That means to me there are more out there. No reason to harbor ill feelings beyond what's happened.

 

I do worry about what will happen when this is done. I am in full grief stage. Ok during the day, it builds in the evening. This means one of my siblings is either on the phone with me or sitting across the table from me. I try to vary it to not lean too hard on any one of them. They are all glad I give them the opportunity to help me. Will not wait for D to be final to continue IC. I find that my employer offers assistance. My boss is insisting. She's used it herself a few years back and she swears by it.

 

I keep trying to convince myself this isn't an ending, but a beginning. Just wish it didn't hurt so much!

 

I doubt you will take resentment into your next relationship.

 

You seem to have retained your faith in humanity in general and viewed your wife as an isolated case. Bravo.

 

You are also quite optimistic. An excellent trait for a partner.

[findingnemo]

I am very lucky in that I have 3 amazing sisters to help me along my way. Even my oldest whose done exactly what my STBX has done has given me a tremendous amout of help. At the same time, I've helped her understand what a nasty blow she dealt her own husband. All are worried I will take resentment into my next relationship. I don't think I will. That's the good thing about being the only male among a crowd of females among my siblings. I see 3 very good women in my 3 sisters. That means to me there are more out there. No reason to harbor ill feelings beyond what's happened.

 

I do worry about what will happen when this is done. I am in full grief stage. Ok during the day, it builds in the evening. This means one of my siblings is either on the phone with me or sitting across the table from me. I try to vary it to not lean too hard on any one of them. They are all glad I give them the opportunity to help me. Will not wait for D to be final to continue IC. I find that my employer offers assistance. My boss is insisting. She's used it herself a few years back and she swears by it.

 

I keep trying to convince myself this isn't an ending, but a beginning. Just wish it didn't hurt so much!

 

One step at a time. As long as you know that grieving is normal and even that shall come to an end. Don't bottle up your emotions. You're doing great!!

[MJM]

Bryan, So sorry to hear of your story. My wife cheated with her friends husband. She always spoke ill of him, calling him lazy, stupid, and perverted. 7 months ago I caught her with a cell phone and after 13 long days, she admitted the affair, yet left out many details. I've become familiar with the term "trickle truth." I asked her to leave that very day. We were married 25 years, and for 8.5 years she was meeting weekly with this creep because "he made her feel hot, sexy, desired, and attractive." The selfish pig started this when our two children were only 10 and 13 years old. This site has been very helpful to me as I could not comprehend why anybody would do such an awful thing to someone they love. My wife paid for the hotels every time, and even gave him money for gas, booze, food, and pay as you go phones/cards. Not to mention 100 dollar Christmas presents.The creep never gave her so much as a chocolate bar in all those years. Yet she felt hot, sexy, and desired? She freaking paid him to desire her. How does one feel desired when they know they are being used. I have pratically gone crazy trying to figure out how my wife could do such a thing with a man she knew cheated on her friend prior to their affair. She knew her friend was hurting because her friend confided in her that she had discovered an affair...all the time my wife was meeting her husband. UNBELIEVABLE!!! You will be on an emotional roller coaster as others have said. You are forever wounded and will never be the same person. But you will survive and find a way to carry on. I wish you the best of luck.

I too am sorry your going thru this. I was betrayed by my spouse five years ago this summer. She had a 4 month affair w/her H.S. sweetheart who is a FAT-GAP-TOOTHED-SCUMBAG!

Believe it or not we're still together and she has been 'clean' since. Ironically she was quite the prude before her affair.

I have to kids so stayed in it for their sakes.. Did not want to destroy their home because one parent made horrible choices..

Well, we are 3 mos. from being empty nesters and I'm wondering if we'll make it for the long haul.. It'll never be they same once they cheat.

She's still smoking hot and gorgeous but the sweetness of our perfect love is forever tarnished...

[troubadour]

Just got done doing exactly this just as you suggested. I've held off saying anything to keep things on an even keel. But, you are right, the question needed to be asked. I asked why should we call everything off and rebuild our relationship? Her answer, because she loves me and wants to be a good wife to me. She needed to grow up and I've woke her up. My counter, "You love what i can give you. If I didn't make enough to give you the lifestyle you want, you'd dump me in a heartbeat. How can you ever think i will ever overcome the visual of you walking into our kitchen after I broke up the hump session with OM with you looking obviously disheveled in your leopard tights which I've never seen before. I know for a fact it started the day after Thanksgiving. The phone bill proves it. Or, knowing you had a fling at your first job after we moved to this area. Or, even worse, you screwing the airman while I was deployed. Need I say more??" She admits pursuing him. Asked, what do you not get?? "You have a masters degree, I know you're smart enough to understand I will NEVER trust you again! You can do nothing to overcome what you've done to me. Save it for whose next. I will say nothing more to you on this. We are DONE! Let's just get to the end of this so both of us can be free, please!" Hopefully this will be the end of it.

 

 

My dear God.... it was rather an extreme conversation. What did she say?

[BryanP37]

My dear God.... it was rather an extreme conversation. What did she say?

 

Yes it was and it was one that needed to be had. The idea was to take out all of the bridges. She had no good answers. All she had to say at the end was "I'm sorry" and "please give me a chance to prove myself". Not very heartfelt or creative. She's always felt she could manipulate me using what looks like sorrow. She's clinging to the rim trying to get the old life back. By the end of it she seemed to get it that there is no chance to turn this around. I've held off firing back as to not upset the process of ending his mess. She took it as a sign I was warming up and possibly reconsidering.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just got done doing exactly this just as you suggested. I've held off saying anything to keep things on an even keel. But, you are right, the question needed to be asked. I asked why should we call everything off and rebuild our relationship? Her answer, because she loves me and wants to be a good wife to me. She needed to grow up and I've woke her up. My counter, "You love what i can give you. If I didn't make enough to give you the lifestyle you want, you'd dump me in a heartbeat. How can you ever think i will ever overcome the visual of you walking into our kitchen after I broke up the hump session with OM with you looking obviously disheveled in your leopard tights which I've never seen before. I know for a fact it started the day after Thanksgiving. The phone bill proves it. Or, knowing you had a fling at your first job after we moved to this area. Or, even worse, you screwing the airman while I was deployed. Need I say more??" She admits pursuing him. Asked, what do you not get?? "You have a masters degree, I know you're smart enough to understand I will NEVER trust you again! You can do nothing to overcome what you've done to me. Save it for whose next. I will say nothing more to you on this. We are DONE! Let's just get to the end of this so both of us can be free, please!" Hopefully this will be the end of it.

 

I actually have sort of connected with a friend of my little sister. Too early to tell if it will amount to anything, but I enjoy talking to her. I won't get close to anyone until I feel I'm ready for mine and their sake, but it doesn't hurt to talk to them to see what the future may hold.

 

I read this in one of the greatest relationship books I have ever read. I have a little trouble believing it I guess, but the divorced men on LS seem to pick up again pretty quickly.

 

Apparently, after a divorce, men remarry within an average of two years. Insane.

[BryanP37]

I read this in one of the greatest relationship books I have ever read. I have a little trouble believing it I guess, but the divorced men on LS seem to pick up again pretty quickly.

 

Apparently, after a divorce, men remarry within an average of two years. Insane.

 

I understand the same thing happens with widowed men. My next oldest sister is widowed 5 years. In her case the opposite is true. She's dated sparingly and has concentrated on getting her kids into college. I'm going to guard against falling into a relationship trap soon after divorce. At this time I don't want to consider remarriage anytime soon. I also have 3 women on my case that will help keep me grounded and call me out if it looks like I'm going to screw up. The woman I've connected with has never been married as is the case of my younger sister. The woman I met enjoys her independance too much to tie herself down. Fine by me. My experience has pretty much killed the idea of marriage for my sister.

 

What would be most attractive to me would be meeting someone to have some fun with and at the end of the day go home. I'm in no hurry for a serious relationship again, but I do love the company of a nice woman. Sister dear is broadening my horizons in that there is much life to enjoy with someone without the wedding rings.

[dreamingoftigers]

I understand the same thing happens with widowed men. My next oldest sister is widowed 5 years. In her case the opposite is true. She's dated sparingly and has concentrated on getting her kids into college. I'm going to guard against falling into a relationship trap soon after divorce. At this time I don't want to consider remarriage anytime soon. I also have 3 women on my case that will help keep me grounded and call me out if it looks like I'm going to screw up. The woman I've connected with has never been married as is the case of my younger sister. The woman I met enjoys her independance too much to tie herself down. Fine by me. My experience has pretty much killed the idea of marriage for my sister.

 

What would be most attractive to me would be meeting someone to have some fun with and at the end of the day go home. I'm in no hurry for a serious relationship again, but I do love the company of a nice woman. Sister dear is broadening my horizons in that there is much life to enjoy with someone without the wedding rings.

 

I can't remember which it was: but women take 7 or 9 years ON AVERAGE to remarry.

[ComingInHot]

BryanP 37,

Eh Hem... It's Time for you to start a new thread and give us the Update!

There are many here cheering for you*

[BryanP37]

BryanP 37,

Eh Hem... It's Time for you to start a new thread and give us the Update!

There are many here cheering for you*

 

I think you're right. Very obvious where this is headed. My goal now it to recover and move forward. A little over 3 weeks before this phase is over and I am ready. This forum has been a big help for me to throw my thoughts out and see what others think. Until it's final, I will keep things on as even keel as possible with my soon to be ex no longer attempting to contact me. I hope someone out there can learn from my experience.

 

Catch you folks on the flip side. Thanks again to all of you fine people!

Edited June 2, 2013 by BryanP37

[BeholdtheMan]

Catch you folks on the flip side. Thanks again to all of you fine people!

Fare you well, Bryan

 

Strength and honour

[latergater]

I'm like many men who never thought this would happen. The shock I feel is hard to describe. If anything, I feel no emotion at the moment. I am about 48 hours out from breaking this open and I am struggling to make sense of the whole thing to see where this need to go. I am 37 and my wife is 33. We don't have kids.

 

My wife's best friend left her husband as he confessed to having an affair for the past 6 months or so. She came to stay with my wife and I a few days while she sorted out her life and found a new place to live. My wife and this woman have been friends since college and both work in the same field. Her leaving her husband did not surprise me as her marital problems go back at least a year. My wife and I on the other hand have been married just over 7 years, and together 9. Among our circle of friends, we appeared to be the poster child of a happy couple. Both of us have successful careers, nice house, cars, do lots of things together. I do travel some for my job, but that's part of what pays for our life.

 

My wife is outwardly one of the worst critics of her friends husband. She cannot say enough bad things about him and lately being in the same room with him brings on open hostility. That was until a very small detail caused me to start being suspicious.

 

My friends wife was over a couple of weeks back and was ranting that her husband is still at it, that it appears he had the OW over to their house recently. She stopped by while he was not home and it was obvious to her he had been screwing around. Bed a mess, wine glasses, and an ashtray with cigarette butts in it and an empty pack on a coffee table. Ironically the same brand my wife smokes. Also notable, my wife is the only one out of our circle of friends that still smokes. It rang a bell to me of SOB! The OW could be my wife!

 

I've never looked at our wireless bill. If it's the same month to month, I just pay it and move on. With electronic billing, I've not felt the need to look through. I casually excused myself to go pay bills, and looked at the wireless bill and there were dozens of calls to the woman's husbands number. All very short. Dozens of text messages to boot. If beginning to feel sick now. I then looked at our Uverse account, and saw a second email account. Foolishly, she didnt realize the email account could be accessed using the website where you pay the bill. It confirmed to me she was the other woman. I didn't read each carefully as it made me want to faint, but have downloaded them to a flash drive I have for safe keeping.

 

I had to leave on a business trip the following morning. She was her usual self. Very affectionate as she always is with me. We both have iPhones and I gave the

iCloud feature activated on all of our devices. When I landed at my destination, I checked it and she was at where she works, no doubt from the picture. Sent her a text that I made it fine and she replies "miss you, love you" as usual. I check again toward the end of the day and I see she is at her friends house. Resisted the urge to call. It happened every day I was gone between 3-5 pm.

 

Fast forward to this past Sunday. I go to play golf with my dad. She knows that that can take over 5 hours. When I went to pick him up, he wasn't feeling well, so I just stayed and visited voicing some of my concerns over what I thought might be up. I check iCloud, and low and behold, it shows her to be at her friends house. I leave right then and her car was blatantly parked in front. Again resisted the urge to do something stupid. I left a post it note on her car saying "we need to talk, NOW!" and left for home. I called her as soon as I got home telling her I cut golf short and am home. Could sense surprise in her voice. 15 minutes later she sheepishly walked into our kitchen. That told me everything I needed to know. She tried to sidetrack me but I called BS. Told her what I thought was going on and would assume to be the facts until she could prove otherwise. She starts sobbing, an I told her to take off. She packed some things and went to her parents. I called them after she left and they hit the ceiling. Completely dumbfounded them. I texted her AP I know everything and he had best back off as his world was about to crash in on him otherwise.

 

My question now is what do I do now?? My gut reaction is to toss the cheating whore to the wolves. Not only did she screw me over, she screwed over her best friend. I told her years ago when we were dating, this would be a show stopper if it ever happened and I would expect no quarter either. I don't understand why she would do this. I'm not sure it can ever be explained sufficiently. Right now I hate her guts, but I want to keep myself from blowing the bridge up too soon. For the life of me, I cannot think of anything I've done, or neglected her in any way that would bring this on.

 

I would appreciate an outsiders unbiased view on where I might should go from here. What plausible reason could there be for her doing such a despicable thing to us? I'm taking this week off to regroup and focus on where this needs to go.

 

Check out this site, Chump Lady ? Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life. It's absolutely brilliant and offers the best advice I have stumbled upon so far. Take a peak - read her articles - it will provide you with some insight and maybe even help you figure out the path you are supposed to take at this point. I am so sorry this happened to you ..

[BryanP37]

Check out this site, Chump Lady ? Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life. It's absolutely brilliant and offers the best advice I have stumbled upon so far. Take a peak - read her articles - it will provide you with some insight and maybe even help you figure out the path you are supposed to take at this point. I am so sorry this happened to you ..

 

THIS site should be required reading for anyone crapped on by a WS. I wish I had seen this earlier upon discovery, but I did follow a pattern similar to what she suggests. She refers to cheating as an act of aggression which is exactly how I responded, with aggression. I was a bit more cutthroat than her, but the result is the same.

 

I appreciate you turning me on to this site.

[oldshirt]

THIS site should be required reading for anyone crapped on by a WS. I wish I had seen this earlier upon discovery, but I did follow a pattern similar to what she suggests. She refers to cheating as an act of aggression which is exactly how I responded, with aggression. I was a bit more cutthroat than her, but the result is the same.

 

I appreciate you turning me on to this site.

 

 

BryanP37, I have not seen that other site but I do want to commend you and say that YOU have handled this perfectly and that YOU are the one that people should look to for a spot-on algorythym on how to deal with a cheating spouse.

 

I know it has been hard for you and hard on you and you have never denied that fact, but the truth is you have trudged through it and taken all the right steps even though it has been hard and even though it would have been easier at times to just cave in and let her come back and suck your D!(k and tell you that she is going to behave and life will be perfect if you would just take her back and forget the whole thing.

 

I urge you to stay on the site after this all over and help other people who are going through the same thing to help them pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives in most constructive manner possible.

 

Things have been tough and $h!tty but you have taken the right steps and done the right things and those efforts will be rewarded in the months and years ahead as you rebuild a new life and meet new people and embark on new adventures.

 

The steps you have taken will ensure that you DO recover as quickly and efficiently as possible and you will come out of it healthy and well adjusted. You won't have any pathological or crippling resentment and trust issues because empowered yourself through your own actions and you now know that you can survive infidelity and prevail through it and come out in better shape in the end. Because of that, you now have no need to have an irrational fear of it.

 

In a very short period of time you will be dating a number of quality women again. some will go nowhere, some will remain friends, some will be FWBs and in time a special one will rise to the top.

 

In a couple years you will look back at this time and you will remember the pain and torment you went through but you will also realize that you are now in a much better place and you will be thankful that you had the inner strength and fortitude to do the right thing today.

[oldshirt]

I got a little carried away and got too wordy. Don't worry I do that all the time.

 

Bottom line is even though your life is quickly going to take you down a path to a real good place, please continue to keep an eye on this site and offer pointers and advice and moral support to others that are going through similar torments.

 

You seemed to have a natural ability to get through this, many others don't. Many others will need a template and algorythym to follow and need only to look to you to see that they too can survive this and come out on the other side with their sanity and dignity in place and can move on in a positive and healthy manner.

[oldshirt]

And now a word of warning, your stbx is going to try to get pregnant.

 

She is going to show up on your doorstep in TIGER skin tights (since she knows the leopard caught your eye) and with a couple bottles of wine and sob story of how there were good times in the past and it would be nice to have one last night of closeness to remember the old times before the D is final.

 

Her intent is to get knocked up in order to hang on.

 

She may already even be knocked up from the OM and now needs to get some of your sperm into her to create confusion as to who's baby it is.

 

The real bad news is some jurisdictions don't care about the actual biological paternity and see whoever is legally married to the mother at the time as the legal father. They only care that someone is financially supporting the child and don't care who the actual bio father is.

 

When she shows up and does this, slam the door in her whoring face and then be prepared for her to get nasty.

 

She's been playing nice so far because she thinks she still stands a chance and is trying to keep things civil. When she makes her one last ditch effort using her most basic and most primitive resources (her sexuality) and that gets rejected, she will lash out.

 

As a navigator, you have navigated your way through all the hazards and checkpoints so far. This is the last checkpoint you complete before reaching your destination and it is one that many have failed before you.

 

Stay the course and don't take your eyes off the map.

[Grumpybutfun]

Whew...long thread, but I made it through. I was honestly impressed and also amazed of how well you handled this situation. You didn't give in to your own emotions and you tried your best to be fair and amicable even as she really didn't deserve very much from you. I can never understand why people insist on trying to reconcile with someone who is toxic and does horrible things to them. I guess my idea that integrity and honor are a must for anyone would want to share my life with is an old-fashioned idea. However, I deserve it as I am loyal and kind. Sounds like you do too. You didn't prolong this train-wreck and for that you can move on. Yes, the pain is still there and you do need to deal with it in therapy just to get the anger and resentment out, but you chose the person who deserved happiness in the end- you!

I hope that others will read this and understand that taking care of yourself and accepting nothing less than kindness and loyalty is acceptable behavior.

Good luck,

Grumps

[drifter777]

Check out this site, Chump Lady ? Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life. It's absolutely brilliant and offers the best advice I have stumbled upon so far. Take a peak - read her articles - it will provide you with some insight and maybe even help you figure out the path you are supposed to take at this point. I am so sorry this happened to you ..

 

Great article, great website. Be sure to follow the link to "Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater". And to the BS's, be prepared to read a few things that will feel like a punch in the gut. I'll just paste the link for quick access:

 

Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater

[latergater]

Great article, great website. Be sure to follow the link to "Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater". And to the BS's, be prepared to read a few things that will feel like a punch in the gut. I'll just paste the link for quick access:

 

Five Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater

 

I am so glad that others found the site helpful. She is an incredible writer and very intelligent. She appears to have her **** together. It's all about doing what we need to do to get through the pain ....

[BryanP37]

And now a word of warning, your stbx is going to try to get pregnant.

 

She is going to show up on your doorstep in TIGER skin tights (since she knows the leopard caught your eye) and with a couple bottles of wine and sob story of how there were good times in the past and it would be nice to have one last night of closeness to remember the old times before the D is final.

 

Her intent is to get knocked up in order to hang on.

 

She may already even be knocked up from the OM and now needs to get some of your sperm into her to create confusion as to who's baby it is.

 

The real bad news is some jurisdictions don't care about the actual biological paternity and see whoever is legally married to the mother at the time as the legal father. They only care that someone is financially supporting the child and don't care who the actual bio father is.

 

When she shows up and does this, slam the door in her whoring face and then be prepared for her to get nasty.

 

She's been playing nice so far because she thinks she still stands a chance and is trying to keep things civil. When she makes her one last ditch effort using her most basic and most primitive resources (her sexuality) and that gets rejected, she will lash out.

 

As a navigator, you have navigated your way through all the hazards and checkpoints so far. This is the last checkpoint you complete before reaching your destination and it is one that many have failed before you.

 

Stay the course and don't take your eyes off the map.

 

Luckily I'm now living about 20 miles away from her in a controlled access condo with my younger sister. Since it is hers, she makes the call on who gets in and who stays out. My soon to be ex is also wary of crossing up with her as well. The last interaction was ugly. My guess is she will stay away.

 

As far as one more night of closeness, I am WAY too turned off by her. As soon as evidence confirmed what she was up too, any intimacy with her was impossible. I've touched her one time since I confronted her and it sickened me. Infidelity of any kind is a deal killer for me. As far as I'm concerned, she's tainted, and her choice of who she sacked up with makes it worse.

 

For her own sake, she had best stay away. My three venomous sisters would make short order out of her. The next and last I will see her on purpose will be in family court on June 25. This charade ends that day. I understand my whole family will be with me that day. I'm sure a whole new set of emotion will open up. I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it.

 

I will keep up with other threads and offer advice if I think I can possibly help them. One of the benefits of the military schooling and background is you learn to detach your emotion from your task at hand. Act quickly and decisively under duress. I seem to be fairly adept at it. Your emotions catch up eventually though. I can't tell you where I'd be in this process if not for the Air Force.

[drifter777]

...

The next and last I will see her on purpose will be in family court on June 25. This charade ends that day. I understand my whole family will be with me that day. I'm sure a whole new set of emotion will open up. I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it.

 

 

Yes, new set of emotions. With all that she has done to you I'm sure you'll be torn between joy.....and rapture!

[BeholdtheMan]

Yes, new set of emotions. With all that she has done to you I'm sure you'll be torn between joy.....and rapture!

I like the word emancipation