Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[BryanP37]

This time last week it was everything I could do to keep from confronting my wife. I had to catch her in the act. You cannot imagine how difficult it was to be normal and sleep in the same bed with her after I got home Thursday evening a week ago. Was even worse than being able to track her iphone going there the whole time i was gone. I was lucky in a way she went to him last Sunday moning when she thought I was going golfing.

 

Grief is mixed with anger. I stand by my decision to end this. I will do anything I can to help my wife come out of this a better person, but I do not want to be her husband. Took her out last night sans harsh emotions to discuss what is coming up. I still do not see remorse. Remorse to me is serving yourself up and going out of your way to try to somehow make things right. If she was lonely, she should have thought about her husband stir crazy in a hotel room in another city working late into the evening on what pays the roof over her head. Business travel sounda glamorous, but nights are lonely and quite claustrophobic. Again, I did not act on those feelings and go down to the hotel bar and do something about those feelings. Thinking about seeing her and taking her in my arms when I got home pulled me through those nights.

 

But her, she acted on those urges and it became a game to her. Shame on her! I've heard it said that cheaters get to have their fun and their partner is the one who gets hurt. That is so true. In this case, she is not getting off. Her fling of fun has cost her the big prize. Consequences teach lessons and she's learning a hard one. To those who think I'm moving too fast, why would I want to continue to give myself 100% to someone who will not reciprocate? Cheating is easy. But refraining because you know what it would do could have lifelong consequences should be an easier call. Any justification is a load of crap. If someone is not happy, speak the hell up or leave. End of story!

 

I had rather be alone than wonder what the hell is up when I leave the house alone. I know it can happen with someone else, but it's painfully obvious I'm married to one where trust may never be restored. That's no way for a self respecting person to live, and shame on those who would compromise what they think is right to attempt to salvage may not be salvagable. I stand by my decision.

Edited April 20, 2013 by BryanP37
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[Bryanp]

Your post makes excellent sense and it is very logical. You are making the correct decision. I wish you luck.

[ComingInHot]

Okay. I amo NOTA defending your W or any AP in any way but I think it is worth saying that some times it can take a while for the WS to Be remorseful.

My H said he was sorry and all that crap but it didn't sink in (the pain he's caused) til months and months later.

Honestly, I don't think any real healing vegan until he was able to acknowledged what kind of person he was to have done such a thing.

After all, he considered himself an upstanding, moral, ethical, honest and honorable man...

It was facing the real him that was truly difficult but when he did, his whole world came crashing down on him.

[troubadour]

Your post makes excellent sense and it is very logical. You are making the correct decision. I wish you luck.

 

I agree with the above 100%.... the OP is making the correct decision. No question about that.

[2sunny]

Some (few) cheaters ARE truly sorry and will do anything and everything to set things right.

 

But a great many cheaters are just sorry they got caught. I believe something deep inside them is very broken and can't be fixed - and will go on to continue cheating without a conscience. Their moral compass is broken and unfixable.

 

I think you are making the right decision for yourself and your future.

[Furious]

All too often betrayed spouses offer their WS cheap forgiveness for a myriad of reasons. Subconsciously this can send the WS the wrong message in that the betrayal is minimized and can stunt true remorse.

 

Kicking the WS out has a twofold advantage for the betrayed spouse and serves them well either way in protecting their self esteem and also jump starting true remorse or seeing that true remorse was never there.

 

Many times, definitive action propels definitive response in a more timely fashion.

[troubadour]

Okay. I amo NOTA defending your W or any AP in any way but I think it is worth saying that some times it can take a while for the WS to Be remorseful.

 

It is true that some people need some time to fully realise the extend of the damage they have done but I think that in this case the circumstances surrounding the affair are more damaging than the lack of remorse on her part. If you decide to sleep with your best friend's husband, who is also a friend of your husband, it means that you don't give a flying f**k about anyone and anything.

 

 

My H said he was sorry and all that crap but it didn't sink in (the pain he's caused) til months and months later.

Honestly, I don't think any real healing vegan until he was able to acknowledged what kind of person he was to have done such a thing.

After all, he considered himself an upstanding, moral, ethical, honest and honorable man...

It was facing the real him that was truly difficult but when he did, his whole world came crashing down on him.

 

ComingInHot, sorry but your husband seems to be just another narcissistic bigot.... they are all the same.

[ComingInHot]

Trubador,

Can't argue with you one bit on that.

Not even gonna try*

[BryanP37]

Your post makes excellent sense and it is very logical. You are making the correct decision. I wish you luck.

 

Bryanp, I've read many of your other posts offering advise and I find we are like thinkers. It must come with our common name.

 

I came to my decision with the idea my wife needs a swift kick in the ass to get her attention. Maybe then she will see the extent of the damage she caused. Before I posted, I read many betrayed husband stories on this site. I am shocked at what b*llsh*t some men are willing to put up with to keep their tramp wife from dumping them. They will go on perpetuating and enabling that crap and all the while being a martyr withe the idea of saving a trainwreck marriage. What the hell are they saving?? I don't want to be a victim. Not cooked up that way. So I've given my beautiful wife the swift kick in the ass and lets see how she responds. I am going to be completely fair from now on and give her what support she needs to grow into a person someone can trust. But I'm not going to do it as her husband. Divorce will make this very real for her. I will recover on my own until she decides she wants to reach out and help me. But eventually if she does not respond the way I feel she should, then I wash my hands of her for good.

[TheBladeRunner]

Bryanp, I've read many of your other posts offering advise and I find we are like thinkers. It must come with our common name.

 

I came to my decision with the idea my wife needs a swift kick in the ass to get her attention. Maybe then she will see the extent of the damage she caused. Before I posted, I read many betrayed husband stories on this site. I am shocked at what b*llsh*t some men are willing to put up with to keep their tramp wife from dumping them. They will go on perpetuating and enabling that crap and all the while being a martyr withe the idea of saving a trainwreck marriage. What the hell are they saving?? I don't want to be a victim. Not cooked up that way. So I've given my beautiful wife the swift kick in the ass and lets see how she responds. I am going to be completely fair from now on and give her what support she needs to grow into a person someone can trust. But I'm not going to do it as her husband. Divorce will make this very real for her. I will recover on my own until she decides she wants to reach out and help me. But eventually if she does not respond the way I feel she should, then I wash my hands of her for good.

 

Right on BryanP! I made mine real with a divorce as well; there was no way on earth I was going to be a victim. Mine will NEVER respond the way I want because she is a narcissistic pig.

[2sunny]

You're willing to help HER grow into a better person? That's not realistic and/or possible with a narcissist.

 

You think she will eventually (even possibly?) help YOU? I highly doubt it! While my exH (together 23 years) loves me - the only one he's capable of having deep feelings for is himself!

 

Your W seems to hold the same qualities.

 

I think your expectations of her giving a rats a$$ about you or anyone but herself is very delusional.

 

She cares what OTHERS think of her - but not enough to think of anyone but herself.

 

YOU can't change her. I can guarantee you - it's not worth trying when they have no conscience.

 

She's only sorry she got caught. There's a BIG difference!

[BryanP37]

I realize that. But I will offer nonetheles. Her fate is determined. There will be no turning back from divorce. How she responds very likely validate my decision.

 

Despite what she did, I still want to be fair and at least offer my help. What she does with it is up to her.

[2sunny]

I realize that. But I will offer nonetheles. Her fate is determined. There will be no turning back from divorce. How she responds very likely validate my decision.

 

Despite what she did, I still want to be fair and at least offer my help. What she does with it is up to her.

 

How do expect to help her? Be specific...please, I'd love to know.

[BryanP37]

How do expect to help her? Be specific...please, I'd love to know.

 

I will pay for her to go to individual counciling, or whatever she needs to go to find what the disconnect is in her head that made her do something so stupid. It's only an offer. Whether she takes me up on it or not is entirely up to her. May be a waste of time and money but she cannot say i left her high and dry. A sucessful outcome will not mend our marriage. I will not go to counciling with her.

[2sunny]

I will pay for her to go to individual counciling, or whatever she needs to go to find what the disconnect is in her head that made her do something so stupid. It's only an offer. Whether she takes me up on it or not is entirely up to her. May be a waste of time and money but she cannot say i left her high and dry. A sucessful outcome will not mend our marriage. I will not go to counciling with her.

 

It's an interesting offer. Full of hope. But her disconnect is that she's only capable of thinking of herself.

 

This is evident by harming herself, you and her best friend with a conscience. And still showing no REAL remorse for her bad behavior.

 

My gut says she won't go to counseling because she doesn't see it as something SHE caused.

 

Or, if she does, most likely she won't be willing to get honest and own her part in it.

 

Read up on narcissism... Looks like it might be describing her.

[Darth Vader]

I'm like many men who never thought this would happen. The shock I feel is hard to describe. If anything, I feel no emotion at the moment. I am about 48 hours out from breaking this open and I am struggling to make sense of the whole thing to see where this need to go. I am 37 and my wife is 33. We don't have kids.

 

My wife's best friend left her husband as he confessed to having an affair for the past 6 months or so. She came to stay with my wife and I a few days while she sorted out her life and found a new place to live. My wife and this woman have been friends since college and both work in the same field. Her leaving her husband did not surprise me as her marital problems go back at least a year. My wife and I on the other hand have been married just over 7 years, and together 9. Among our circle of friends, we appeared to be the poster child of a happy couple. Both of us have successful careers, nice house, cars, do lots of things together. I do travel some for my job, but that's part of what pays for our life.

 

My wife is outwardly one of the worst critics of her friends husband. She cannot say enough bad things about him and lately being in the same room with him brings on open hostility. That was until a very small detail caused me to start being suspicious.

 

My friends wife was over a couple of weeks back and was ranting that her husband is still at it, that it appears he had the OW over to their house recently. She stopped by while he was not home and it was obvious to her he had been screwing around. Bed a mess, wine glasses, and an ashtray with cigarette butts in it and an empty pack on a coffee table. Ironically the same brand my wife smokes. Also notable, my wife is the only one out of our circle of friends that still smokes. It rang a bell to me of SOB! The OW could be my wife!

 

I've never looked at our wireless bill. If it's the same month to month, I just pay it and move on. With electronic billing, I've not felt the need to look through. I casually excused myself to go pay bills, and looked at the wireless bill and there were dozens of calls to the woman's husbands number. All very short. Dozens of text messages to boot. If beginning to feel sick now. I then looked at our Uverse account, and saw a second email account. Foolishly, she didnt realize the email account could be accessed using the website where you pay the bill. It confirmed to me she was the other woman. I didn't read each carefully as it made me want to faint, but have downloaded them to a flash drive I have for safe keeping.

 

I had to leave on a business trip the following morning. She was her usual self. Very affectionate as she always is with me. We both have iPhones and I gave the

iCloud feature activated on all of our devices. When I landed at my destination, I checked it and she was at where she works, no doubt from the picture. Sent her a text that I made it fine and she replies "miss you, love you" as usual. I check again toward the end of the day and I see she is at her friends house. Resisted the urge to call. It happened every day I was gone between 3-5 pm.

 

Fast forward to this past Sunday. I go to play golf with my dad. She knows that that can take over 5 hours. When I went to pick him up, he wasn't feeling well, so I just stayed and visited voicing some of my concerns over what I thought might be up. I check iCloud, and low and behold, it shows her to be at her friends house. I leave right then and her car was blatantly parked in front. Again resisted the urge to do something stupid. I left a post it note on her car saying "we need to talk, NOW!" and left for home. I called her as soon as I got home telling her I cut golf short and am home. Could sense surprise in her voice. 15 minutes later she sheepishly walked into our kitchen. That told me everything I needed to know. She tried to sidetrack me but I called BS. Told her what I thought was going on and would assume to be the facts until she could prove otherwise. She starts sobbing, an I told her to take off. She packed some things and went to her parents. I called them after she left and they hit the ceiling. Completely dumbfounded them. I texted her AP I know everything and he had best back off as his world was about to crash in on him otherwise.

 

My question now is what do I do now?? My gut reaction is to toss the cheating whore to the wolves. Not only did she screw me over, she screwed over her best friend. I told her years ago when we were dating, this would be a show stopper if it ever happened and I would expect no quarter either. I don't understand why she would do this. I'm not sure it can ever be explained sufficiently. Right now I hate her guts, but I want to keep myself from blowing the bridge up too soon. For the life of me, I cannot think of anything I've done, or neglected her in any way that would bring this on.

 

I would appreciate an outsiders unbiased view on where I might should go from here. What plausible reason could there be for her doing such a despicable thing to us? I'm taking this week off to regroup and focus on where this needs to go.

 

 

Spare yourself any more drama! You said this would be a show stopper? Then you had better live up to it!

 

DROP HER ASS!

 

Besides, you can do way better than her! Plus, you deserve better than her!

[BryanP37]

Spare yourself any more drama! You said this would be a show stopper? Then you had better live up to it!

 

DROP HER ASS!

 

Besides, you can do way better than her! Plus, you deserve better than her!

 

It's happening. Filed with attorney yesterday. She should be served within the next week. Not taking her back.

[Darth Vader]

It's amazing how remorseful someone is when they are caught red handed. She wants to at least sit down with me and try to talk this out and is pleading for me to hear her out. BS! Not now, not in the near future. Right now I couldn't care less what her story is. A good friend of mine turned me on to a Family Law specialist who is his brother in law. My friend is the only person outside of this fiasco that knows what happened. I will see the attorney tomorrow morning. I have not told my wife's friend. I will leave that to her husband or my wife to do that dirty work.

 

I am leaning heavily towards kicking her ass to the curb. Sticking a dagger through me and her friend in the same motion is just too much to overcome. Piss on her. I'm probably wrong doing this, but she's the one kicked out. I'm staying in my house. I didn't cheat. I worked my ass off to get us where we are and this is my reward? The alarm code is changed and I've swapped out the dead bolt locks on the doors. If she forgot anything, she can come over and pick it up when I'm here and I suggested one of her parents come with her. Otherwise, she is dead in my eyes.

 

My heartfelt thanks to all of you who've replied so quickly after my posting. You've all confirmed to me the feelings going through me right now are normal. In my humble opinion, the only resolution I see right now is shedding myself of this deceitful booty call whore.

 

 

I'd tell her best friend what has been going on, just to fill her in, not to mention, you don't want to seem like the one who was holding important info from her! Let her Best friend have the info so she can move on with her life as well. Hmmm, perhaps when this is all over and you all are Divorced, perhaps screwing her Best friend may be..... Well, not until you're Divorced.

[BryanP37]

Her best friend knows.

[Darth Vader]

It's happening. Filed with attorney yesterday. She should be served within the next week. Not taking her back.

 

 

Good for YOU! I'm glad someone on here is moving very fast away from someone who lives for the dramatic!

 

BTW, expect your STBX-Hex - I mean wife, to get nasty, I don't know how, but, just be sure to cover your ass in every way my friend! She may come crawling back, expect this!

 

BTW, have you started exposing her to everyone yet? I would, like her parents, your parents, all your friends, mutual friends, etc. Do what you can to make sure she can't turn this around on you, either by word of mouth or financially!

[Darth Vader]

Her best friend knows.

 

 

COOL!

[BryanP37]

COOL!

 

This week has played out very badly for my wife. She is on an island. Her friendship and family base vanished in an instant. Even her f*ck buddy won't have anything to do with her after I spoke with him. Her parents are the only ones helping her as they won't turn their back on their kid. They are sickened by her but took her in anyway. She will have to find other arrangements soon.

[TobyBoy]

Usually....lack of remorse means that the affair continues. Any chance your stbxw and OM took it underground? I think that's the most likely scenario. Even thou your done, I would still be pissed!

[troubadour]

Before I posted, I read many betrayed husband stories on this site. I am shocked at what b*llsh*t some men are willing to put up with to keep their tramp wife from dumping them. They will go on perpetuating and enabling that crap and all the while being a martyr withe the idea of saving a trainwreck marriage. What the hell are they saving??

 

It is absolutely true and I find it both.... tragic and comical.

 

 

I will pay for her to go to individual counciling, or whatever she needs to go to find what the disconnect is in her head that made her do something so stupid. It's only an offer. Whether she takes me up on it or not is entirely up to her. May be a waste of time and money but she cannot say i left her high and dry.

 

It will be a waste of time and money.... you can talk to a daltonist about colors all you want but at the end of the day she/he will still go to bed color blind.

[Darth Vader]

Usually....lack of remorse means that the affair continues. Any chance your stbxw and OM took it underground? I think that's the most likely scenario. Even thou your done, I would still be pissed!

 

 

Personally, I don't think he cares, NO, I KNOW he doesn't care!