Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[ladydesigner]

Anyone who gets "Deflated" by my comment already has some serious troubles beyond that. The point I am making is many people stay out of shear weakness, or for financial reasons, or for low self-esteem reasons thinking they will never be able to get anyone else, so they figure staying in this pain and living with an internal cancer is better than facing their fears at the thought of starting over.

 

I have serious troubles beyond that and have been in lots of therapy for it both childhood issues and my WHs infidelity. So then am i deemed weak? I guess I do not really understand why anyone would call a BS weak. I am really trying not to take offense to your post. I guess it hit a nerve for me.

 

Sorry for T/J Bryan I hope you are doing well today :-)

Edited April 25, 2013 by ladydesigner

[Guitarjeff]

I have serious troubles beyond that and have been in lots of therapy for it both childhood issues and my WHs infidelity. So then am i deemed weak?

No, but what you said about my words alone being the sole cause of deflating someone is false. If my few words on an internet forum deflate you somehow, then you have bigger problems and shouldn't be looking to someone to blame for a few words and an opinion on an internet site.

 

 

I guess I do not really understand why anyone would call a BS weak. I am really trying not to take offense to your post. I guess it hit a nerve for me.

I call some of them weak because they allow themselves to fall prey to their fears or insecurities and stay with their cheater just because they think it will be less pain than starting over EVEN THOUGH they may feel they want, and deserve, to be with someone who has never cheated on them and who would keep their vows. But many are to afraid to stand up for themselves so they fall victim to their own fears. Then, even worse, they feel bad about themselves and so they try to convince others to do what they did so that they can make their own self feel better about choosing the lesser of two evils.

Anyone can see this is true because you know darn well this happens and probably more than 50 percent of the times, yet, where are these peole here actually admitting that they stayed out of fear? You just don't see it, but yet you know it happens all the time. So I always take advice to stay with a cheater with a grain of salt because I feel many of these people are just practicing the old "Misery loves company" thing and trying to make themselves not feel so bad about what they did by trying to convince others to fall prey to their own fears.

 

I feel this poster here has clearly shown strength and self confidence and he knows he could never accept growing old with someone who has cheated on him. It's nice to see, frankly, and makes me feel suspicious when I see someone asking him to wait, try to win her, apologize and all that crap. makes me feel like when they see someone else being strong and standing up for themselves it makes them feel even lower knowing that they couldn't muster that kind of strength and demand a non-cheater as a spouse.

 

We have seen many a door mat here in this forum, and we have tried to give them strength, but some people are simply too weak to demand what they feel they want and deserve because maybe they feel like they can never find someone who will want them again.

[BryanP37]

Had contact with soon to be ex in order to complete paperwork for selling the house. Should go on the market by the end of the weekend. This was done under supervision. She was much more controlled than the voicemail message after the process server found her yesterday. This time she did not say a word to me and it appears to be finally sinking in that she's dumped and this is NOT a bluff. I want out of the house, she cannot afford it. Real estate in our area is booming. We will simply split the equity after we sell. Starting to catalog the contents. I'm willing to part with most of it as my inlaws purchased or gave us much of the furnishings. Basically I will be happy just leaving with what I brought into the marriage and half the cash proceeds from the house. I will owe her no spousal support here in Texas. Being an uncontested divorce, it's conceivable we can be final 61 days from yesterday. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel. I'm not upset anymore. If anything, it's relief since I know what I'm dealing with and firmly believe this is the correct move. Seems surreal that a little over a month ago I wouldnt have dreamed this scenario would have cooked up.

 

One question I have is about counciling. What should I expect in the beginning? How long should I wait before deciding to continue with this therapist or move to a different one. Will find out tomorrow afternoon if this woman is any good. And more good news from my Dr. I am clear on STD's. It actually concerned me a little.

 

I'm curious to hear my brother in laws side of when my sister cheated. After speaking to him several times on the phone, I now see some of the indicators all really is not well despite what my sister says. My sister coming here pained him last week. They lived here when my sister had a workplace affair and the guy is still around. I assured him she spent all of her time except the evening she took my wife out to dinner around me. My other two sisters went with them to dinner. Ten years from discovery and it's still a harsh subject. Probably didn't help that my sister was not all that patient. I'm guessing that when their kids are gone, so will he. I wouldn't blame him even if she is my big sister.

Edited April 26, 2013 by BryanP37

[BeholdtheMan]

Again, I truly admire the way you're handling this.

 

My opinion on your big sis and bro in law...I think your bro in law is a weaker man than you, plain and simple. He didn't have the strength to do what you're doing now. It sounds like he hasn't gotten over your big sister's betrayal at all, but he's just sticking around because he doesn't want to start over or maybe as you've suggested, he's waiting for the kids to become independent.

[2sunny]

Did the BW have any signs prior to discovery that her H was cheating with your W?

 

We're there other indicators that were overlooked?

[yessy21]

In my humble opinion, the only resolution I see right now is shedding myself of this deceitful booty call whore.

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

im laughing cause i thought that was the best line ive ever heard in my entire life. and its even funnier that its the truth.

 

YOUR THE MAN.

 

dont let noone disrespect you.... NOONE

[BryanP37]

Did the BW have any signs prior to discovery that her H was cheating with your W?

 

We're there other indicators that were overlooked?

 

The BW knew her husband was likely cheating as that had been a problem in the past. He later admitted to having an affair but did not name who it was and that's when BS moved out. This happened right after New Years. At that time she did not suspect my wife. She began to suspect her when she went by her house when her H was not there to pack some more of her things and her H had not cleaned up after a fling. The sheets hinted her perfume, an empty pack of her brand of cigarettes on the coffee table, and an empty bottle of wine of a brand she was known to like with glasses. Not definitive proof but enough for me to start digging once I heard. Before that, no clues at all. Looking back though, some of her behavior patterns screamed cheating but my guard was down. I suspected nothing.

[2sunny]

I knew that part - but were there other signs that she thought "hmmm" yet ignored her gut?

[BryanP37]

I knew that part - but were there other signs that she thought "hmmm" yet ignored her gut?

 

None BW will admit to me.

[2sunny]

So she just thought her M wasn't going well - and they decided to divorce...?

 

Then after time goes by - she realizes that your W had been eating up all the time and attention that her H should have been using to pay attention to her within their marriage?

 

And is there a solid reason why the married (oops, divorced) OM isn't running to be with your W now that they are both free? Or is he?

[BeholdtheMan]

I'm only guessing, but I don't think this is necessarily an indication of weakness or not having gotten over his W's affair.

I'm a firm believer of the zero tolerance rule with regard to cheating. I believe in forgiveness but not reconciliation. If she betrays me but confesses of her own free will, I can respect her courage and remain on cordial terms with her, but the relationship is still over.

 

I think a previous poster has made my point more eloquently:

 

"I feel this poster here has clearly shown strength and self confidence and he knows he could never accept growing old with someone who has cheated on him. It's nice to see, frankly, and makes me feel suspicious when I see someone asking him to wait, try to win her, apologize and all that crap. makes me feel like when they see someone else being strong and standing up for themselves it makes them feel even lower knowing that they couldn't muster that kind of strength and demand a non-cheater as a spouse.

 

We have seen many a door mat here in this forum, and we have tried to give them strength, but some people are simply too weak to demand what they feel they want and deserve because maybe they feel like they can never find someone who will want them again. "

 

Nothing frustrates me more than a doormat.

Edited April 28, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[BryanP37]

One thing the clearly helped me once the meltdown anger phase started to subside was being able to detach. Stepping away allowed that to happen. A great suggestion from an earlier poster. Last weekend I was still finding out nasty truths and well beyond the point when I decided what needed to be done. A week beyond, and the emotions have leveled out, the house is for sale and people are supposed to look at it today. I am not moved one way or the other about any info that trickles in about my wife. I have a good attorney that's moving divorce forward at an efficient pace, and my soon to be ex is cooperating. At the same time I can see why some choose R over ending it all. Everyone is different, I just don't have it in me to put that kind of work in with the odds so stacked against me.

 

My soon to be ex is pretty much out in the cold. There were never any plans for her and AP to ever be together. At best they were f**kbuddies that were in it for the sex and the thrill of getting by with it in a high risk setting. There are hints at remorse, but in my book it's remorse because she got busted. She was in love with the lifestyle I gave her and not me. Her betrayed friend and dirtbag husband are attempting to get back together. Divorce is off for now. I understand they are in couples counciling. Whatever! Glad it's not my problem. Look for that to blow up. Her friend is prototypical doormat.

 

Will take advantage of a 1 month leave of absence my boss swung for me. Off to Colorado later today for a few days to repair my relationship with my sister now that I know she is a cheat and to get to know my brother in law better now that we have some common ground. If anything, maybe this fiasco will drive the point home to my sister of how lucky she was he didn't dump her cheating ass. She was a rug sweeper and I don't respect that in the least. I do believe she now realizes how shaky the ground is under her and she needs him now more than ever.

 

I did have a consultation with a therapist on Friday. We disagreed at first on my decision to end things so quickly. I know what my wife is now so there's no reason to debate why anymore. That got hashed out over the rest of the session, but I do think this woman may be able to help me now that she understands what my goal is. I will go again next Friday.

Edited April 28, 2013 by BryanP37

[whichwayisup]

Since your wife is going to be on her own soon, since the A is over and MM is going back to his wife, you better be prepared for some serious crocodile tears and manipulation by your wife to try to get you back. There will be some sort of 'crisis' or 'emergency' to try to get you to be around her on some level. Just you wait and watch. once she reality really hits her, that she is alone, she will freak out, panic and react with much emotion. Don't fall for it!

[Steen719]

I did have a consultation with a therapist on Friday. We disagreed at first on my decision to end things so quickly. I know what my wife is now so there's no reason to debate why anymore. That got hashed out over the rest of the session, but I do think this woman may be able to help me now that she understands what my goal is. I will go again next Friday.

 

I imagine the therapist, as well as many posters on here, are not used to someone being so decisive. I admire that and wish I had been more like that, but I guess we all have our own way of dealing with things. Good for you and good luck.

[BryanP37]

Since your wife is going to be on her own soon, since the A is over and MM is going back to his wife, you better be prepared for some serious crocodile tears and manipulation by your wife to try to get you back. There will be some sort of 'crisis' or 'emergency' to try to get you to be around her on some level. Just you wait and watch. once she reality really hits her, that she is alone, she will freak out, panic and react with much emotion. Don't fall for it!

 

If this had occurred in my twenties, my vindictive side would have had me play along and steal the bait from the trap then dump her again. I'm glad to say I've grown up since then and realize how lucky I am to be able to get out with my skin. I have too much respect for women in general to do that even to her as I don't want to show myself to a good one like that. Would hate to miss out on a good one because of a petty act against my ex.

 

I am unmoved by her now and it will stay that way.

[BryanP37]

I imagine the therapist, as well as many posters on here, are not used to someone being so decisive. I admire that and wish I had been more like that, but I guess we all have our own way of dealing with things. Good for you and good luck.

 

Thank you very much. This has been the most difficult month in my entire life.

 

My therapist was taken aback at how I choose to attack rather than dwell. She came around once I got across to her I am there to work on my own self esteem and not carry aggression and mistrust forward to the next time I meet someone. I won't give trust blindly, but I certainly don't want to assume women in general are a bunch of cheating narcissists. Not fair to the next woman I meet and the possibilities are starting to flock.

 

This was a self esteem hit in a big way and my harsh initial response shows that and that's the biggest thing I need to work on.

[BeholdtheMan]

The simple truth, though, is that I didn't know then what I do now (I do now, though!). I am pleased with the way my life has 2rned out, 2.

 

In the end, that's all that matters. We're all different individuals with different personalities and thought processes.

 

I can forgive but I don't have it in me to reconcile (i.e. stay in a relationship even after the foundation of trust has been shattered). It has everything to do with my personality. I give a lot and I demand a lot, I won't accept less.

 

I have a strong ego, true...but I don't view it as a bad thing. It prevents me from compromising my honour and dignity despite the temptation to cave in.

 

Will take advantage of a 1 month leave of absence my boss swung for me. Off to Colorado later today for a few days to repair my relationship with my sister now that I know she is a cheat and to get to know my brother in law better now that we have some common ground. If anything, maybe this fiasco will drive the point home to my sister of how lucky she was he didn't dump her cheating ass. She was a rug sweeper and I don't respect that in the least. I do believe she now realizes how shaky the ground is under her and she needs him now more than ever.

 

Yup, it's tough to find out that a close family member has serious moral deficiencies. I hope you'll be able to repair that relationship. I hope even more that your brother in law was not a door mat and had valid reasons for stayng. If he is a push over, at least now he has a positive example to follow in you.

Edited April 29, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Steadfast]

Not much to add to the excellent advice and posts by you Bryan, except to say this has been a very positive thread about a very tragic event. I know that despite your resolve, you're feeling the pain. There is no shame in that. There would be shame in not feeling it. Still, you fight to rise above.

 

Much admiration and respect for you.

 

I'm sure you agree (because I read it) that not all betrayed/reconciled spouses are doormats. Yet, even as I struggle to understand the love and patience it would take, the fact remains that once a marriage is broken, it is never the same. Maybe, with new understanding and resolve it could be better? I'd like to think so, knowing full well that what doesn't kill us...

 

This is written to acknowledge that humility is truly for the strong.

 

Keep posting Bryan. Much good will come from your example.

[Treasa]

If this had occurred in my twenties, my vindictive side would have had me play along and steal the bait from the trap then dump her again. I'm glad to say I've grown up since then and realize how lucky I am to be able to get out with my skin. I have too much respect for women in general to do that even to her as I don't want to show myself to a good one like that. Would hate to miss out on a good one because of a petty act against my ex.

 

I am unmoved by her now and it will stay that way.

 

I've read this entire thread, and I think it's great that you're so strong and decisive. I'm very proud that people like you have served.

 

I bet your stbx-wife won't be making this mistake again. Holy crap. She's learning that people can't just be played and manipulated with no price to pay.

[yessy21]

Thank you very much. This has been the most difficult month in my entire life.

 

My therapist was taken aback at how I choose to attack rather than dwell. She came around once I got across to her I am there to work on my own self esteem and not carry aggression and mistrust forward to the next time I meet someone. I won't give trust blindly, but I certainly don't want to assume women in general are a bunch of cheating narcissists. Not fair to the next woman I meet and the possibilities are starting to flock.

 

This was a self esteem hit in a big way and my harsh initial response shows that and that's the biggest thing I need to work on.

 

 

Your correct not all women are cheating narcissists.

 

I think that this was lifes way of throwing out the trash and getting you ready for the real deal.

 

you still have another 60 years to go anywho.

[Darren Steez]

Since your wife is going to be on her own soon, since the A is over and MM is going back to his wife, you better be prepared for some serious crocodile tears and manipulation by your wife to try to get you back. There will be some sort of 'crisis' or 'emergency' to try to get you to be around her on some level. Just you wait and watch. once she reality really hits her, that she is alone, she will freak out, panic and react with much emotion. Don't fall for it!

Agreed

 

The strength you have shown casts you in a new light, her respect for you will grow but make no mistake she may respect you but it will still all be about her, she will feel she has somehow been hard done by and she will be feeling sorry for herself.

I wish you luck.

[BryanP37]

Almost 2 days with my sister and our relationship is somewhat better. Her being a cheater and being frank about what she did has given me a better idea of why my wife cheated. I was fiercesomely critical of how her and H approached hers after Dday. Pretty much swept it under rug and her H went along with it and surface anger subsided. Very obvious H has unresolved feelings and I think sister now finally understands how badly she hurt him and what a terrible job she did trying to reconcile with H. He's still hurting. Too bad it's taken almost 10 years for her to understand what remorse should be. Her affair was bad. Lasted 18 months with a coworker at a job she took when her second started school. She knew AP's wife in passing from PTA. Worse yet she pulled our parents into it unwittingly by having them pick kids up at school and keep them til H got them after he got home. Under the smokescreen of working late, they screwed around at both homes or one of his vacent rent houses. They blew it their one time together in public. I reiterated, if I was her H, she would have been gone. She's running scared as I feel brother in law thinks he should have sent her on her way. What did they do? Ignore what happened and had a third kid a year later. At her age, being dumped would be a disaster and she knows it. Maybe now they will look at me and decide they need to do the long overdue work. I never found out as they had already settled into their fake peace by the time I was stateside again. My other 2 sisters know it happened, but not much more.

 

Heard from my attorney. He's heard from my soon to be ex. What a surprise, she wants me to reconsider. Pledges to do what it takes. The answer is still no. There's interest in the house. I want it sold and attorney will hold the proceeds and we will split it upon divorce being final. Her saying she sees the light is no consolation to me. Believe it or not, this is eating me up. I cannot get out if this fast enough. I know what she is, and wife material she is not. We were more a BF/GF that got married. I have a hard time looking back at my marriage and seeing anything that resembles what my childhood idel of what one is. Time to grow up and move forward as wiser people.

 

This forum has been invaluable to me since Dday. All of the infidelity threads should be required reading for all betrayed spouses.

Edited April 30, 2013 by BryanP37

[Silveron]

Her being a cheater and being frank about what she did has given me a better idea of why it happened

 

What about your wife? Did you give her a chance to at least tell you why she has done this? I'm not saying to get back with her, it's for your own peace of mind.

 

If you already wrote why, I apologize I might have missed a few pages.

 

Also please becareful about your sister.. Let them work out their own issues,

[Furious]

Almost 2 days with my sister and our relationship is somewhat better. Her being a cheater and being frank about what she did has given me a better idea of why it happened. I was fiercesomely critical of how her and H approached hers after Dday. Pretty much swept it under rug and her H went along with it and surface anger subsided. Very obvious H has unresolved feelings and I think sister now finally understands how badly she hurt him. He's still hurting. Too bad it's taken almost 10 years to understand what remorse should be. Hers was bad. Lasted 18 months with a coworker at a job she took when her second started school. She knew AP's wife in passing from PTA. Worse yet she pulled our parents into it unwittingly by having them pick kids up at school and keep them til H got them after he got home. Under the smokescreen of working late, they screwed around at both homes or one of his vacent rent houses. They blew it their one time together in public. I reiterated, if I was her H, she would have been gone. She's running scared as I feel brother in law thinks he should have sent her on her way. What did they do? Ignore what

happened and had a third kid a year later. At her age, being dumped would be a disaster and she knows it. Maybe now they will look at me and decide they need to do the long overdue work. I never found out as they had already settled into their fake peace by the time I was stateside again. My other 2 sisters know it happened, but not mucho more.

 

Heard from my attorney. He's heard from my soon to be ex. What a surprise, she wants me to reconsider. Pledges to do what it takes. The answer is still no.

There's interest in the house. I want it sold and attorney will hold the proceeds and we will split it upon divorce being final. Her saying she sees the light is no consolation to me. Believe it or not, this is eating me up. I cannot get out if this fast enough. I know what she is, and wife material she is not. We were more a BF/GF that got married. I have a hard time looking back at my marriage and seeing anything that resembles what my childhood idel of what one is. Time to grow up and move forward as wiser people.

 

This forum has been invaluable to me since Dday. All of the infidelity threads should be required reading for all betrayed spouses.

 

 

 

You have given your sister and brother-in-law a serious wake up call. Rug sweeping in a bandaid and not a solution. I hope they can not only get their issues resolved but come away from this better and stronger in their marriage.

 

As for you, your core has remained intact and although badly bruised you will heal in time. Your innocence is gone, but I think innocence is overrated in the sense that you wii be more attuned to the character of whoever you give your love to in the future.

 

Regardless as to whether a marriage is dissolved or whether a couple try to reconcile, there is a grieving process that you will go through in order to allow you to then move forward.

 

Feel what you feel, but in the meantime take good care of yourself.

[drifter777]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and her BH but, unfortunatly, I think their situation is extremely common. The temptation for a WW and BH to put an affair behind them is powerful and many couples go that route. It's a combination of the WW gaslighting the BH with the old "it wasn't my fault" and "stop living in the past". The BH is anxious for the pain to stop and prays that the old saying "time will heal all wounds" is true. Some time later the world collapses on the BH and he now has to face all of the unexpressed anger and emotions while feeling further trapped in the marriage because of something like another child.

 

You can encourage your sister to open up to her BH and suggest both IC and MC because carrying the load is damaging them both. If she can't do this then I would not bring it up with her husband as it is up to him (and her) to decide when and how to deal with this.

 

Again, congratulations on your courage and dedication to do the right thing for you. In 6 months your STBX will be a bad memory and you'll never regret divorcing her. This whole thing will end up increasing your self-esteem and confidence in your ability to handle future trauma's.