Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[BryanP37]

Her being a cheater and being frank about what she did has given me a better idea of why it happened

 

What about your wife? Did you give her a chance to at least tell you why she has done this? I'm not saying to get back with her, it's for your own peace of mind.

 

If you already wrote why, I apologize I might have missed a few pages.

 

Also please becareful about your sister.. Let them work out their own issues,

 

I don't need to talk to my wife about why. I know why. She likes to sneak around and have sex. No sense in trying to read any more into it. The thrill of getting away with it was even more fun than the sex for her. That's all I need to know to assure me I'm making the right move. And make no mistake, this hurts. The affair was all about her and self gratification. Now it's about me getting shed of a bad situation and moving on with my life and maybe find a partner that will appreciate me as much as I will her. Maybe I wasn't the perfect husband, but I did nothing to deserve being crapped on by her. Her "remorse" has much more to do with being kicked out of the house and having to live with her parents at 33. Now that the legal system will do the rest, she knows she will be cast adrift on the high seas. She'll feel the downside of her little game.

 

As for my sister, we have a close knit family. Hiding something as serious as what she did is completely out of character. I love my sister and brother in law dearly. I want them to succeed. A worse tragedy than mine would be their marriage failing due to doing nothing except waiting it out and hoping things will get better. I hope I woke them up to what needs to be done and I will help them in any way I can. Something good has to come of this mess. We don't need two failed marriages in our family. Their marriage is well worth saving.

Edited April 30, 2013 by BryanP37

[Artie Lang]

I don't need to talk to my wife about why. I know why. She likes to sneak around and have sex. No sense in trying to read any more into it. The thrill of getting away with it was even more fun than the sex for her.

 

totally.

 

i can't tell you how many times i cringe when people ask "did you get to the WHY you did it?" i mean seriously, why does it have to be something more than "i just wanted to f*ck someone else at the time." sometimes it's as simple as that..... no need for counseling.

[Silveron]

I don't need to talk to my wife about why. I know why. She likes to sneak around and have sex. No sense in trying to read any more into it. The thrill of getting away with it was even more fun than the sex for her. That's all I need to know to assure me I'm making the right move. And make no mistake, this hurts. The affair was all about her and self gratification. Now it's about me getting shed of a bad situation and moving on with my life and maybe find a partner that will appreciate me as much as I will her. Maybe I wasn't the perfect husband, but I did nothing to deserve being crapped on by her. Her "remorse" has much more to do with being kicked out of the house and having to live with her parents at 33. Now that the legal system will do the rest, she knows she will be cast adrift on the high seas. She'll feel the downside of her little game.

 

As for my sister, we have a close knit family. Hiding something as serious as what she did is completely out of character. I love my sister and brother in law dearly. I want them to succeed. A worse tragedy than mine would be their marriage failing due to doing nothing except waiting it out and hoping things will get better. I hope I woke them up to what needs to be done and I will help them in any way I can. Something good has to come of this mess. We don't need two failed marriages in our family. Their marriage is well worth saving.

 

How do you know? You are assuming if you did not directly ask her. You fell in love with your wife for a reason, she did not just one day turn on you and do something this bad without some sort of issue that is going on within' her.

 

No you didn't deserve it, her giving you an explationation is not telling you why you 'deserved' it. Maybe you are afraid to talk to her about 'why'. The thing is, at some point in time after the divorce is final she is going to move on with her life and she is going to be happy once again. She's not going to be remorse for the rest of her life and she shouldn't either.

 

I can tell you are still extremely upset and have vile feelings for her and what she has done. I really hope you can seperate from what she did and who she is. She is not the whore you are making her out to be, she does have a heart and a soul. This is the woman you married, the woman who also chose you.

 

If we were all defined by the mistakes we made then no one in this world could ever love or respect another person. No amount of vindication is going to make this go away and it will only make you feel better for a short-term.

 

I'm not persuading you one way or another on your choices, just know that even after the house is sold, the divorce is final.. that you will still be left with the pain that was caused.

 

Don't be afraid to do some soul searching within' yourself. You DID make mistakes in this marriage, we all make mistakes. Look back and think about the times she said things that bothered her or upset her. Think back at the times you perhaps did not do things with her that she wanted to do. Think back at the opportunities you missed with her to take her out on a date (yes, you do this even after you are married). Think back about the times you two agrued and hurtful things were said by you.

 

This is how YOU learn by all of this as well. That's why I am saying to talk to her, this is your chance so that you end up being a better person.

[Treasa]

If we were all defined by the mistakes we made then no one in this world could ever love or respect another person.

 

I have made A LOT of mistakes in my life, and I'm happy I made them, because I learned from them and made myself a better person.

 

If there hadn't been consequences, I doubt I would have learned. I would have continued doing those things and getting away with it.

 

Sure, make mistakes, but then you need to be adult enough to be willing to pay for them.

[Furious]

 

Looks like she is a serial cheater. Very good at it from the incidents they told me and in it for the sex and the thrill of getting by with it.

 

Affair with a married professor when she was in college. Several one night stands at the casinos in Shreveport when we were dating while I was on training missions that lasted a week or more. An affair with an enlisted man while I was deployed to Guam after we were married. A short affair with a married coworker about 5 years ago. She swore it off as our marriage and income took off after I left the service. The current one began right after Thanksgiving. Clicked when he invited her in. Was the ultimate thrill for both despite really not liking each other. Like before, the sex and the thrill. Handy and easy and right under everyone's nose. Her AP is the one that blew it for her being a bad housekeeper and not cleaning up the mess she left behind with the ashtray and empty pack

left on a coffee table. Was the first time she smoked over there while the affair was on. Her friend had moved out and she felt safe doing it. A faint odor of her perfume was on the sheets too. Neither counted on her friend showing up at her house after she moved out. Makes me ill.

 

Her parents are dumbfounded. They are going to be the ones to try to help her. Told me to try to help myself. I'm now out of that picture. Do not want to hear any other specifics.

 

The saying is pretty much right. Once a cheater always a cheater. At least for her it is. So much for those thinking I'm rushing into this.

 

 

Silveron

 

Seems you missed that it turns out Bryan's wife is a serial cheater. Perhaps you should read the thread before you go on about how he needs to learn to be a good person and also blame himself for the demise of his marriage.

 

If the betrayal was a one of, then maybe reconciliation might have been possible. To reconcile with a serial cheater is a whole new ball game, and he has every right to end that game and move forward with his life.

[Silveron]

This information.. Was it from her or hearsay? If there is evidence of this, perhaps he could get an annulment. All I am saying is that she has some very deep emotional problems that she has to resolve and that he needs to try to take this as a learning experience not only from what she has done but the things he has done wrong in the relationship so that the next woman can benefit from it.

[BryanP37]

This information.. Was it from her or hearsay? If there is evidence of this, perhaps he could get an annulment. All I am saying is that she has some very deep emotional problems that she has to resolve and that he needs to try to take this as a learning experience not only from what she has done but the things he has done wrong in the relationship so that the next woman can benefit from it.

 

This came right from her mom and dad. She confessed to them. They told me. I made my final decision on divorce based on this revelation. Looking back, I do remember her talking about a nice airman that helped her with a flat tire when I was in Guam. So if you want to poke at this saying me not being there caused it, keep in mind she married a military officer who was part of a bomber crew. She knew that full well. Leaving home to fight wars is what we do. And I didn't do it for a pat on the back and a medal for being faithful. Her screwing around in casinos and with an enlisted man shouldn't have been something I had to worry about.

 

I am also beginning IC. Went to my first consultation last Friday. I want to be out of this mess, regroup and try again when I'm ready. I am very aware I have my own issues to deal with, hence why I found a therapist that understands my goals. Whatever is wrong with my wife is up to her to deal with. Frankly, I do hope she seeks help and somehow finds happiness. It will not be with me. She fooled a lot of people for a long time and now it's her turn to pay the price.

 

My focus now is me. Yes, the pain will be there after the house is sold and divorce being final. IC hopefully will help me there. I am responsible for my own happiness. It will be a new beginning for both of us. What she does with hers is up to her. I have a lot of good help. I intend to learn from this and build a new life. Lots of nice faithful women out there. I intend to meet many of them when I'm ready. She went and had her fun for whatever perverse reasons, and I'm the one that got smacked. Not really fair. So if I was a little rough on her at times post discovery, TOO BAD. Those are consequences. AP is VERY luck to walk away from this fiasco in one piece too.

[Jonah]

[quote=drifter777;4845003. Some time later the world collapses on the BH and he now has to face all of the unexpressed anger and emotions while feeling further trapped in the marriage because of something like another child.

.

 

If this ptsd flashback did in fact occur, it would be due to an uncontrolled ego in the bs's mind. A totally hallucinatory and illogical middle age crisis in which the sufferer would make vindictive decisions that he would likely regret when his wisdom has returned. As an old person it is easier to forgive others wrongs than ones own.

[Treasa]

This came right from her mom and dad. She confessed to them. They told me. I made my final decision on divorce based on this revelation. Looking back, I do remember her talking about a nice airman that helped her with a flat tire when I was in Guam. So if you want to poke at this saying me not being there caused it, keep in mind she married a military officer who was part of a bomber crew. She knew that full well. Leaving home to fight wars is what we do. And I didn't do it for a pat on the back and a medal for being faithful. Her screwing around in casinos and with an enlisted man shouldn't have been something I had to worry about.

 

I am also beginning IC. Went to my first consultation last Friday. I want to be out of this mess, regroup and try again when I'm ready. I am very aware I have my own issues to deal with, hence why I found a therapist that understands my goals. Whatever is wrong with my wife is up to her to deal with. Frankly, I do hope she seeks help and somehow finds happiness. It will not be with me. She fooled a lot of people for a long time and now it's her turn to pay the price.

 

My focus now is me. Yes, the pain will be there after the house is sold and divorce being final. IC hopefully will help me there. I am responsible for my own happiness. It will be a new beginning for both of us. What she does with hers is up to her. I have a lot of good help. I intend to learn from this and build a new life. Lots of nice faithful women out there. I intend to meet many of them when I'm ready. She went and had her fun for whatever perverse reasons, and I'm the one that got smacked. Not really fair. So if I was a little rough on her at times post discovery, TOO BAD. Those are consequences. AP is VERY luck to walk away from this fiasco in one piece too.

 

When you do have kids (and I just get this feeling that you will), they will not get away with ANYTHING.

[stillafool]

 

 

Affair with a married professor when she was in college. Several one night

stands at the casinos in Shreveport when we were dating while I was on training

missions that lasted a week or more. An affair with an enlisted man while I was

deployed to Guam after we were married. A short affair with a married coworker

about 5 years ago. She swore it off as our marriage and income took off after I

left the service. The current one began right after Thanksgiving.

 

 

 

 

She is not the whore you are making her out to be, she does have a heart and a

soul. This is the woman you married, the woman who also chose you.

 

Sorry Silveron but from where I'm sitting she is very much a whore.

 

If we were all defined by the mistakes we made then no one in this world could

ever love or respect another person. No amount of vindication is going to make

this go away and it will only make you feel better for a short-term.

 

The problem is these were not mistakes they were choices she made. I don't think Bryan is being vindictive by filing for divorce. Who wants to stay married to someone they can't trust or leave alone for fear they will be in someone else's bed? He is doing what's best for him and who are you to blame him. There are so many good women who would be honored to be married to a man like Bryan. Why should he live a life of misery?

[BryanP37]

When you do have kids (and I just get this feeling that you will), they will not get away with ANYTHING.

 

This made me laugh! If and when I ever have have kids, I may cut them SOME slack. But woe betide the poor guy that comes over to pick my daughter up if I have one.

[Fugu]

How do you know? You are assuming if you did not directly ask her. You fell in love with your wife for a reason, she did not just one day turn on you and do something this bad without some sort of issue that is going on within' her.

 

No you didn't deserve it, her giving you an explationation is not telling you why you 'deserved' it. Maybe you are afraid to talk to her about 'why'. The thing is, at some point in time after the divorce is final she is going to move on with her life and she is going to be happy once again. She's not going to be remorse for the rest of her life and she shouldn't either.

 

I can tell you are still extremely upset and have vile feelings for her and what she has done. I really hope you can seperate from what she did and who she is. She is not the whore you are making her out to be, she does have a heart and a soul. This is the woman you married, the woman who also chose you.

 

If we were all defined by the mistakes we made then no one in this world could ever love or respect another person. No amount of vindication is going to make this go away and it will only make you feel better for a short-term.

 

I'm not persuading you one way or another on your choices, just know that even after the house is sold, the divorce is final.. that you will still be left with the pain that was caused.

 

Don't be afraid to do some soul searching within' yourself. You DID make mistakes in this marriage, we all make mistakes. Look back and think about the times she said things that bothered her or upset her. Think back at the times you perhaps did not do things with her that she wanted to do. Think back at the opportunities you missed with her to take her out on a date (yes, you do this even after you are married). Think back about the times you two agrued and hurtful things were said by you.

 

This is how YOU learn by all of this as well. That's why I am saying to talk to her, this is your chance so that you end up being a better person.

 

I've read the thread. I'm not normally one to say 'just divorce her' - I think that affairs can happen and that couples can survive the damage.

 

This is not just about an affair; the woman involved had multiple affairs. What it really comes down to is, this is not the woman he thought he knew. If she were a business, she'd be guilty of criminal fraud. Bryan has been defrauded, out of time, out of his emotions, and out of whatever else he invested in this relationship. She has completely misrepresented who she really is, for years on end. He had no idea.

 

I absolutely agree - often over the objections of many on this site - that typically a couple should not just run off to divorce court. But this is a different case. Bryan's absolutely making the right decision here. No question in my mind about that.

[seren]

Hi Bryan, just spent my insomnia hours reading your post and the online journey you have made so far, so sorry you are going through all this. Infidelity is so bloody exhausting and totally f's up a person's grasp of their reality during the time the betrayal was going on. For those who are trying to justify what your wife did by asking you to accept some blame, they are just talking out of their backsides and should be ignored, although I imagine that you will have asked yourself what and why and if you were lacking or at fault, we all have asked ourselves this and the day you (general) finally say to yourself that there was nothing lacking in you and what you did that made your WS cheat. I know that when I realised that it wasn't about me, but about my H that I began to pick up my self esteem and move forward. If he hadn't had PTSD through combat stress and Iraq I don't think I would be here now.

 

I see you are in IC, I never went this route, but know it helps some people, in the UK we tend to not go to therapists so much, not necessarily a good thing. I suppose you are now on the beginning of a new journey, the one of closing the page on one chapter and beginning another, which is always scary, especially when it wasn't in our plans. I hope that IRL you have someone you can talk to about how you feel, anger, loss, betrayal and feelings and not feel you have to sugar coat it or questions how you feel. I also hope that in time you will have healed enough to have a relationship where truth, honesty and love are valued and that you can learn to trust. That is probably the hardest bit. Take very good care of you Bryan.

[klotzak]

Bryan, I too am military though not US but am presently in a hell hole flying missions and living with US personnel....we're allies.

Mate, you have shown immense courage and a level headedness that many can only dream of when their life gets crushed like yours has been.

I respect everything you've done and said here, the word inspirational comes to mind. I have a wife back home, and the worst thing that could ever happen to me whilst I square up daily to an enemy that doesn't fight fair is exactly what you've been through.

Fella, hang in there, you've done better than I ever could, and what's more you have the benefit of a military background - where you will have been deployed to hell in inhumane conditions.......you know that it's not forever and you will get back to the green and lush parts of your life as your emotions take their course.

Bravo zulu.

Per Adua Ad Astra

[BryanP37]

Was nice to spend some time away with my big sister despite their problems. I think they are going to be fine. They appear to be recommitting to each other which to me is great as they really need each other.

 

Spent an hour in counciling this afternoon. Sort of hard to tell where it is going to go, but I'm open minded. Would walk out immediately if any discussion points to any of this being my fault. No way will I accept any blame for this. As some said previously, not an average affair.

 

I had to see my soon to be ex at the realtors. We have an offer on the house and we both had to sign. Not what we were asking, but acceptable. My goal is to get out from under it ASAP. She complimented me on how good I looked. She noticed my weight loss. I made a point to show up looking polished. Her on the other hand did not look like herself. No makeup and looking unkempt. Appears to have gained what I've lost plus a few pounds. She seems freaked out that I will not have any physical contact with her. The last time I touched her was when I backed down on my hostility and embraced her. I've pretty much detached from her. I see no reason to show her affection of any kind. I will be indifferent from here on out. I'm done with her. I can tell by looking into her eyes that she would jump at the chance to come home with me and act as though nothing happened. She won't get that chance.

 

My attorney says we have a tentative date to present our case to the judge on July 17. If all goes well this part of the nightmare will be over. I'm looking forward to it. I want her far away from me when this is done. I've been more than fair. We are splitting the house proceeds and taking with us what we brought into our marriage. She keeps the furnishings and her car which I will pay off. I in turn keep any of my USAF benefits and retirement benefits for myself. Once the house sells, I will be moving in with my youngest sister. May turn out to be a good setup as she is single and has many single friends.

 

Right now life is a living hell. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. Being on leave keeps this BS in my face. Therapy is sort of opening a few scabbed over wounds. I understand that has to be done to set the stage for moving on. There is a sense of relief knowing I sort of have a date to look forward to that will signal a new beginning.

Edited May 3, 2013 by BryanP37

[exit82]

"but I'm open minded. Would walk out immediately if any discussion points to any of this being my fault. No way will I accept any blame for this. As some said previously, not an average affair."

 

lol-that's being open minded?

Edited May 4, 2013 by exit82

[BryanP37]

"but I'm open minded. Would walk out immediately if any discussion points to any of this being my fault. No way will I accept any blame for this. As some said previously, not an average affair."

 

lol-that's being open minded?

 

That does sound contradictory, doesn't it? Open minded except for being at fault that my soon to be ex is a serial cheater.

[2sunny]

"but I'm open minded. Would walk out immediately if any discussion points to any of this being my fault. No way will I accept any blame for this. As some said previously, not an average affair."

 

lol-that's being open minded?

 

It's called having a healthy, solid boundary.

 

I think you're doing great!

 

 

Have the counselor help you on not picking someone to rescue next.

 

You need to recognize what a healthy, stable, independently happy gal looks like.

[BryanP37]

You're moving so quickly. Do you think you could still be in shock? I'm afraid for you when this is all over and you are not moving towards a goal any longer.

 

My little sister thought of that. That's why she offered me moving in with her for a while. She younger than I and I didn't spend much time at home when she was a teenager as I was either at the Air Force academy or elsewhere in the service. We've bonded more in the last 3 weeks. Than the past 10 years. She lives in a large downtown loft condo and would love it if I came for a while and sampled that lifestyle. I don't want to live the suburban gated community life anymore. The goal now is to rebuild and at the same time sample what is out there.

 

This is moving fast, but because I know what my wife is. There is no way I will be able to trust her no matter what she does to try and better herself. The best she can do is move on and find what makes her happy.

[BeholdtheMan]

This is moving fast, but because I know what my wife is. There is no way I will be able to trust her no matter what she does to try and better herself.

You're not rushing, you're being decisive. People more prone to waffling may not see the difference.

 

Decisiveness is a positive trait for a man to have. Good for you

[Oberfeldwebel]

Getting closer to little sister would be a good thing. It will give you both a chance to bond as adults and little sister will know lots of hot young women, which you are soon to be in the market for anyway.

[BryanP37]

Been an interesting last couple of days. Met with AP yesterday. He sought me out to make an attempt at an apology. We socialized because our wives were friends but I wouldn't ever have considered us true friends. He's been looking over his shoulder in fear since I broke this open on April 14. Told him the damage is done, this will all be over soon and you'll still be a scumbag. As a twist, his version has my wife initiating this instead of him. Go figure.

 

The house is set to close in about 4 weeks. Will be so glad to be out from under that monstrosity. All of my stuff is out either in storage or moved to my sisters. I will begin living there by this weekend. Clearing the rest of the house out is my wife's job. And Monday I go back to work. Got to have some normalcy come back.

t t

I had a long conversation with my wife. She is pleading with me to reconsider. She wants a chance to prove herself worthy to me. My fury after I confronted her really surprised her. She was shocked I came to this conclusion so quickly and am carrying it out exactly as I said I would. She is panicked and rightfully so. There will be no turning back.

 

The way I see it, why should I alter my life to attempt to reconcile with a cheater. Could easily be a waste of time and she may do it again at a much less convienent time. Would prefer meeting someone on my own and expend that effort developing a new relationship rather than try to clean up the train wreck. My head and heart are in this. Time to move in the right direction.

[2sunny]

So the guy needed to meet with you to make sure you knew your xW should take all the blame for their sordid affair?

 

What a gem he is.

[BryanP37]

So the guy needed to meet with you to make sure you knew your xW should take all the blame for their sordid affair?

 

What a gem he is.

 

They both get to share the blame. Both of them instigated it. Who knows and i don't care now. A solution is on its way. His big worry was getting his ass kicked which I am more than capable of doing. I didn't do or say anything to ease his mind. He's not worth the trouble and I won't do it but gives me a chuckle knowing he loses sleep because he's running scared. Those who screw around with someone's spouse (men and women) should be prepared for that eventuality.

 

They are both scum, and they deserve each other if they decide to hook up. In a way, I was done a huge favor. I'm soon to be shed of someone who was bound to blow our marriage up by cheating. If it wasn't him, it would be some other. If I had found out about any of the others, she would have been gone then. She's proved herself capable of spreading her legs to just about anyone. I just wish I could have seen this trait in her years back.

Edited May 8, 2013 by BryanP37

[drifter777]

... If it wasn't him, it would be some other.

 

This ^^

 

Always the way I felt. I will admit that I fantasized killing them during my rage, but they were only faceless beings that served to satisfy my primitive urge. I mean, how can you blame a guy for grabbing an easy piece of ass? She wanted it, she initiated it, it's all on her.