It's official now, she wants to try again..

[hinatticus]

Mmm, I do not think there is any way you could affect it. Trying to affect it = being possessive. The best way to go is probably to not be bothered by it and not to allow it to affect your behaviour or trust. Once you start bothering about what your significant other feels, it gonna end bad.

 

I have this kind of concerns too from time to time. But I get mad at myself that it makes me feel worried, so it does not last more than a minute.

I really do believe that cheating and etc. happen as a result of the relationship getting unbalanced, not the reason.

 

I totally agree. The thing is we also have a child and one of my ex's concerns from before was that we didn't have enough date nights. It's hard to get in date nights if we have to schedule a sleep over for our son plus her going out several times a week. I have to make my concerns known to her. If she's gonna want her date nights then she's gonna have to slow down on her social life.

[hinatticus]

I just had my counseling session today and my ex is in hers as we speak. She's not really an ex anymore but I don't know what to call her right now. Anyway, my counselor says my boundaries are reasonable and my ex needs to sacrifice a few things. She also says that if her husband tried to do what my ex is doing she would not let that fly. She basically says that there are certain responsibilities once you become a parent are in a committed relationship. We have a lot to work out during our couples session next week. I'm excited for that.

 

On a side note, I just realized how committed my ex is regarding making this work; she got a tattoo of my initial. That to me seems like she's committed to making this work. Either that or she's crazy.

[Simon Phoenix]

I just had my counseling session today and my ex is in hers as we speak. She's not really an ex anymore but I don't know what to call her right now. Anyway, my counselor says my boundaries are reasonable and my ex needs to sacrifice a few things. She also says that if her husband tried to do what my ex is doing she would not let that fly. She basically says that there are certain responsibilities once you become a parent are in a committed relationship. We have a lot to work out during our couples session next week. I'm excited for that.

 

On a side note, I just realized how committed my ex is regarding making this work; she got a tattoo of my initial. That to me seems like she's committed to making this work. Either that or she's crazy.

 

Wouldn't count out the latter just kidding.

[hinatticus]

Wouldn't count out the latter just kidding.

 

Haha. I know she's crazy;) makes me love her more. Aren't we all a bit crazy though?

 

She should be done her counseling session. I wonder how it went. I guess i'll find out after I pick her up from the gym. The first session is always the most emotional, so I'm not expecting any crazy revelations from her.

[OwlSoul]

makes me love her more

Nooo, don't fall into this! You're loving her just enough. Loving more, desiring more will only hurt

[hinatticus]

Nooo, don't fall into this! You're loving her just enough. Loving more, desiring more will only hurt

 

You can never love enough. The pain you suffer after a break up can make you stronger and learn stuff about yourself that you didn't before. At least for me it did.

 

To add to my update...

 

Her counseling session went well. She likes her counselor and I can tell she is going to grow from this. We have our couples session next Monday and then she has another individual session the following Monday. I'm excited to get to work on this new relationship!!

[Simon Phoenix]

Haha. I know she's crazy;) makes me love her more. Aren't we all a bit crazy though?

 

She should be done her counseling session. I wonder how it went. I guess i'll find out after I pick her up from the gym. The first session is always the most emotional, so I'm not expecting any crazy revelations from her.

 

You're doing it wrong. You have sex with crazy, you don't fall in love with crazy

[OwlSoul]

You can never love enough.

I think this is a bad attitude. Books and movies made us idealize love. Love is mainly related to the feeling of losing the control over the feelings of your partner. This is why more the person pull away, more his/her partner falls in love. Starting loving more = losing the control, which will lead to a new break-up.

[hinatticus]

You're doing it wrong. You have sex with crazy, you don't fall in love with crazy

 

Hey be careful who you're calling crazy;) that's my son's mother you're talking about. Haha

[hinatticus]

I think this is a bad attitude. Books and movies made us idealize love. Love is mainly related to the feeling of losing the control over the feelings of your partner. This is why more the person pull away, more his/her partner falls in love. Starting loving more = losing the control, which will lead to a new break-up.

 

Unless both parties are mature enough. Hopefully that's my case.

 

We're gonna be that couple that does it right. We've spent over a year apart and I've grown a lot in that time. It's my ex's turn and we're both committed to making the relationship better.

 

I don't agree that love is related to losing control over the feelings of your partner. I don't have any control over how she feels. Nor does she. I have control over how I feel.

 

When my ex pulled away, I didn't feel more in love, I felt lost and hurt.

 

Having more love leads to more unconditional love and respect for one another; leading to a stronger relationship. That's just my opinion though.

[OwlSoul]

Unless both parties are mature enough. Hopefully that's my case.

Gosh, feelings are not about being mature or not. People do not play games thinking 'oh, he wants me. So **** him'.

 

I don't agree that love is related to losing control over the feelings of your partner.

Sadly, it is. Otherwise people on LS would be all happy and won't be dumped. Look, there are so many dumpees who changed their lives for the dumpers, did everything, have been so nice and loving = deffinetely loving more than their partner do.

 

I don't have any control over how she feels. Nor does she. I have control over how I feel.

When the relationship gets unbalanced, it means someone has more control. Your statement just proves it. Since both of you have the same level of control, you're getting back together. Once someone starts desiring and loving more, showing more affection which will make the other partner feel less comfortable, it'll change.

 

When my ex pulled away, I didn't feel more in love, I felt lost and hurt.

Lost and hurt because you already started loving her more. If you guys would just start dating and she'd pull away, you wouldn't be affected or feel hurt.

 

I'm not going all anti-social and saying do not love. I'm saying match the partner.

[justletgo07]

Sadly, it is. Otherwise people on LS would be all happy and won't be dumped. Look, there are so many dumpees who changed their lives for the dumpers, did everything, have been so nice and loving = deffinetely loving more than their partner do.

 

I'm going to respectfully disagree with this notion. Changing your life for someone who left you is not loving, it's desperation and longing. Love (in my opinion) is about giving, changing, and doing with no thought of reciprocation. Really loving someone is being willing to let them go, without jealousy, fear, anger, or desperation. Letting go of someone (as a dumper) can be a form of love too.

[hinatticus]

Gosh, feelings are not about being mature or not. People do not play games thinking 'oh, he wants me. So **** him'.

 

Sadly, it is. Otherwise people on LS would be all happy and won't be dumped. Look, there are so many dumpees who changed their lives for the dumpers, did everything, have been so nice and loving = deffinetely loving more than their partner do.

 

When the relationship gets unbalanced, it means someone has more control. Your statement just proves it. Since both of you have the same level of control, you're getting back together. Once someone starts desiring and loving more, showing more affection which will make the other partner feel less comfortable, it'll change.

 

Lost and hurt because you already started loving her more. If you guys would just start dating and she'd pull away, you wouldn't be affected or feel hurt.

 

I'm not going all anti-social and saying do not love. I'm saying match the partner.

 

I don't even know where to begin with how wrong you are. Everything you say sounds like its coming from a teenager. Maturity has a lot to do with everything.

Immature people play "games"

 

The people on loveshack are not a good sample of what the rest of the world's mature population is doing. The people here generally post because they are at their lowest low and probably aren't even thinking straight. I definitely didn't do everything for my ex and I definitely didn't "love" her more than she did me. She left because of my issues. I addressed my issues and she sees that, she has issues of her own and now she wants to try again while addressing the relationship's issues.

 

Relationships get "unbalanced" when one person starts to care less. If both people are emotionally mature enough to sustain a relationship and they both love each other, the relationship will last. I can guarantee that I "desire" my gf more than she does me, does that mean we're doomed? Of course not, because I know how the hell can you tell when you "desire" each other the exact same amount!?!? There will be unbalance and balance in any relationship, it'll ebb and flow; it's all in how you handle all of that. Maturity plays a huge role. We're not getting back together because we both have the same amount of control. That's the furthest thing from the truth.

 

Your last statement is just ridiculous. I felt lost and hurt because I had lost the person that I loved, not because i loved her more. As time went on I healed and didn't feel so lost and hurt. Ask my gf how much she loved me when she left. It was the hardest thing in the world to do. The fact that she did love me is part of the reason we're getting back together.

 

I'm sorry, but it's not as simple as "matching" your partner with love output. Is there some kind of instrument that measures that? How would you know that it's balanced? You wouldn't and can't know. Mature people who truly love each other find ways to manage the relationship so it lasts. For those people where one decides to up and leave, it's up to the dumpee to manage their "pain" in a mature way, otherwise you'll be throwing tantrums asking people on a forum why their bf/gf left for no reason.

Edited May 1, 2013 by hinatticus

[OwlSoul]

Everything you say sounds like its coming from a teenager.

It is your own feeling about me. I'm most likely offending your believes by expressing mine. You take all my words in a wrong way, not even trying to understand what is meant.

 

One thing to say though:

 

The people on loveshack are not a good sample of what the rest of the world's mature population is doing.

The people on Loveshack are the same as everywhere. If you really think that only 'not the best' samples of population are using the forum, that's a shame. I am pretty sure millions of people go through the same feelings, they just do not use forums.

[hinatticus]

It is your own feeling about me. I'm most likely offending your believes by expressing mine. You take all my words in a wrong way, not even trying to understand what is meant.

 

One thing to say though:

 

The people on Loveshack are the same as everywhere. If you really think that only 'not the best' samples of population are using the forum, that's a shame. I am pretty sure millions of people go through the same feelings, they just do not use forums.

 

I'm sure there are millions of other people who go through other emotions and handle their relationships differently that do not go on forums.

 

I knew this was going to turn into a "this was my opinion and you are taking my words the wrong way and I'm offending your beliefs" type of thread.

 

Owlsoul, how about we do the mature and respectful thing and agree to disagree? Friends;)?

[hinatticus]

So my ex (I might as well just start calling her my gf) presented me with a list of things that make for a healthy loving marriage/relationship. We went through it together and checked off things we both feel are extra important and we're going to emphasize these points. It seems she's willing to put in the necessary work.

 

To those just skimming through I thought I'd list the reason for break up and the many things I did wrong post break up....

 

She left because of my bad behaviour. I had anger issues and neglected her a bit after our son was born. We were together for 4.5 years. She didnt leave for another man. We both didn't start dating other people for probably 8 months post break up. She truly loved me.

 

Post break up I did these no no's. I tried talking with her friends and family. That backfired miserably. I reasoned with her. I never begged though. I told her I would change. I kept contact; because of our child it was hard to do nc. We would even hangout and do things as a family. It wasn't as hard as some might think. I focused a lot on my son. I used the time together to show I changed, but there were many times she thought I was just doing it just to get back with her. I even sent her songs, but she did the same as well. I told her how important family was, that was a mistake because she thought I just wanted my family back together and not her. I'm sure I did other stupid things.

 

I think after a lot of time passed she knew I was taking my counseling and book reading/podcasts seriously. She told me she wanted to get to know the new me. I won't doubt that her dating douchebags helped my cause. Thank you to those douchebags that helped me show my gf that I'm not all that bad:)

 

Anyway, I know it's a long road, but I'm ready for this...

Edited May 2, 2013 by hinatticus

[chelsea2011]

Good luck on your journey...hope it all works out.

[hinatticus]

I also want to say to those looking for second chances, you MUST accept that it's over. If the relationship broke, that means it needs fixing. One of you or chances are both of you need to work on yourselves. This requires lots of time and effort.

 

I can't recommend counseling enough, everyone can benefit from it. Everyone has things they can work on. Nobody is perfect and there is always room for improvement.

 

The only reason I feel confident in my situation is because I've done a lot of work on myself(my third), my gf is now working on her issues(her third), and we're both committed to working on the relationship(final third). We both share the same mindset that we're going to make this work. Most of the garbage emotions from the breakup and what led to the breakup are gone. We're focusing on the future...