Should I believe him?

[susie]

alright here is the story my boyfriend and i have been dating for a while.......but before we started dating he was dating this girl that he was with for 3 yrs or so. well she left him and then she came back and told him that she was pregnant. a couple days after they got back together he over heard her on the phone with her friend saying that she was only with him b/c she wanted the baby to have a dad. well she didnt know for sure if my boyfriend was the dad or if the guy she slept with when she cheated on him was. so she has not had the baby yet but when she does he said if it is his he is going to have to be there for the kid. well the problem with him being there for the kid is she lives in a diffrent state than i do and he was going to move here within the month to be closer to me. what i want advice about is.........he says he loves me more than anything and i am the only one he wants to be with and he also says he does not talk to his ex anymore. i dont know if i should believe him when he says that b/c she had a lot of control over him when they were together so what would make it so that she didnt have that control now b/c she might be pregnant with his baby. it scares me so much to think of losing him to her b/c she just uses him and i love him so much and i wouldnt be able to live with myself if i knew that he was with her and not me. please help me out someone!!!

[Nic]

ask him straight out if he's being honest about being in contact with her. she would have contacted him about the pregnancy and maybe he feels a sense of obligation to keep in contact in case it is his child.

 

paternity tests are the first thing that will have to be done when this child is born. this will be for the sake of the baby, and your boyfriend.

 

if the baby is not his, then nothing needs to change between you and your boyfriend.

 

if the baby is his, it will ultimately be his decision on what to do. having a baby is not something to take lightly. they are your child for the rest of your life.

 

as much as i respect your boyfriends want to be with the mother, if the child is his, he really needs to look at one thing in particular:

 

1. what kind of emotional environment will this child grow up in?

 

a child does not deserve to grow up in an environment where there is tension and hostility. your boyfriend broke up with this girl for a reason. were the reasons bad enough that it would affect a child's emotional well being?

 

i know from personal experience that growing up knowing that your parents are with each other for all the wrong reasons and feeling the tension between them, can be very damaging to a child. my parents divorced when i was very young, but i will never forget what it was like to live with 2 parents who should not be together. when they divorced, it was in the best interests of my brother and sister and to this day, us kids think it is the best thing they ever did. even though my parents rarely talk to each other, at least we didn't grow up living in a household of fighting and nit-picking. we still have our mother, we still have our father, but we don't have their baggage inflicted on us anymore and we are all much happier.

 

a parent can still be the greatest parent without having to live with the childs mother/father.

 

your boyfriend has to realise that just because she MIGHT be carrying her child, does not mean she can control him. he was the one LETTING her control him previously. she sounds quite manipulative and immature if you ask me, and he's being weak if he gives in to her demands/wants/desires etc.

 

i believe that if this child is his, she will try and manipulate him some more by making him feel guilty for not being there etc. that is wrong and childish, because the fact of the matter is, two adults cannot be together for the sake of a child if they cannot have a relationship that creates stability and security for a child. a child needs positive examples of relationships to grow up with. negative parental relationships will only set them on the wrong path for their own relationships oneday and that is not fair. negative parental relationships can cause emotional problems in children, and cause resentment.

 

personally, i think if he goes with her if the child is his, the relationship will be doomed from the start if she is that controlling. and she will continue to use him. hmmm, great example for the child. not to mention he would be getting back with her for all the wrong reasons. i know people will disagree with me, but i don't think it is justified to raise a child in an environment where there is no real love or great bond between the parents.

 

if he knows things wouldn't work out with the mother, then that is the best thing for the child. it is better for the child to grow up only ever of having known mum and dad to live in different houses. because that's all they've ever known, they will accept that very easily. and children who only live with one parent, are so common these days, that the child will never feel like an outcast.

 

it's better for a child to not have to be put through the emotional baggage of parents, than to suffer it and learn to readjust with their own emotional problems.

 

he can still be a wonderful, loving, supportive father without actually being there with the child. and that's what will matter to the child one day. great memories with my dad (if it is his).

 

just be prepared for a rollercoaster with her if it is and don't succumb to her controlling ways.

 

alright here is the story my boyfriend and i have been dating for a while.......but before we started dating he was dating this girl that he was with for 3 yrs or so. well she left him and then she came back and told him that she was pregnant. a couple days after they got back together he over heard her on the phone with her friend saying that she was only with him b/c she wanted the baby to have a dad. well she didnt know for sure if my boyfriend was the dad or if the guy she slept with when she cheated on him was. so she has not had the baby yet but when she does he said if it is his he is going to have to be there for the kid. well the problem with him being there for the kid is she lives in a diffrent state than i do and he was going to move here within the month to be closer to me. what i want advice about is.........he says he loves me more than anything and i am the only one he wants to be with and he also says he does not talk to his ex anymore. i dont know if i should believe him when he says that b/c she had a lot of control over him when they were together so what would make it so that she didnt have that control now b/c she might be pregnant with his baby. it scares me so much to think of losing him to her b/c she just uses him and i love him so much and i wouldnt be able to live with myself if i knew that he was with her and not me. please help me out someone!!!

[sparkle]

Hi Susie,

 

Your boyfriend needs to get a paternity test done to determine whether that is his child or not. I think that's

 

the biggest issue here. There is some doubt so he needs to find that out first before he starts making plans on moving and helping out...etc.

 

Now if the baby is not his, he can leave his ex and is out of that mess.

 

But if the baby is his, then he'll be doing the right thing by helping out the baby's mother. It's up to him to choose how involved he would like to be in the baby's life. He might move in with her or move close to her so he's able to take care of the child too. Or he could be far away and help financially as well.

 

Whether she has control over him or not shouldn't be a factor here. If it's his baby, you need to realize that he'll have to make an effort to take care of it. And it might include spending time with his ex. It's up to you to decide whether you want to be involved with him now. Things may become more complicated.

 

If it's his baby, he's gotten himself in this mess. He needs to now pull himself out. Please don't make him choose between you and the baby. You're a full-grown adult who can take care of herself physically emotionally financially etc. This baby on the other hand needs someone to take care of him/her. Don't give him those "..or else" ultimatums.

 

You can't blame the baby and punish the baby.

 

You can't totally blame his ex for the baby and the problems that are arising because of the baby. Half of it lays on your boyfriend.

 

If it's his, he's going to choose how involved he'll be with his baby and with his ex. You have the choice of staying with him or leaving him.

 

I know things seem crazy for you. Everything was probably going great until this situation arised, and now you're torn up. But you WILL be okay. You CAN live on your own.

 

You said: "i wouldnt be able to live with myself if i knew that he was with her and not me."

 

Don't worry, things will get better for you. You'll be okay, whether it's with this guy, being single, or with another guy.

 

The important thing here is to figure out if that baby is really his.

[Nic]

If it's his baby, he's gotten himself in

this mess. He needs to now pull himself out. Please don't make him choose between you and the baby. You're a full-grown adult who can take care of herself physically emotionally financially etc. This baby on the other hand needs someone to take care of him/her. Don't give him those "..or else" ultimatums. You can't blame the baby and punish the baby.

that is a really good point you've made sparkle. this baby didn't ask to be conceived, so hopefully, there won't be any love-triangle-tug-of-wars going on. you cannot make someone choose between a baby and an adult. a baby needs all the support, in whatever way, by it's parents whilst growing up. please do not give him childish ultimatums.

 

this child will need it's father, but your boyfriend has to decide to what extent and capacity he will be involved in it's life, and make sure it's for all the right reasons. he's done the right thing by accepting he may be responsible to start with and to take on that responsibility if it is. you have to respect that, because a lot of guys would run. it takes two to tango, and as sparkle said, he got himself into this mess, it's up to him to figure out what to do next. and you can live without him if he decides to live with the mother. you did it before you met him.

[susie]

well i would never make him choose between his child and me that is the worst thing anyone can do. it is a matter of him going to his ex g/f or not. i will fully support him if he was the father and had to meet up to his duties of being a father. if he is the father and he chooses to stay with me then i will be there for the baby as well. i feel that the both of you jumped to and outragous conclusion thinking that i would make him choose between his child and me. also the reason i said that i would not be able to live with myself if he was with her and not me is because i know what kind of childish games she played with him and i dont want him or the baby to experience that.

that is a really good point you've made sparkle. this baby didn't ask to be conceived, so hopefully, there won't be any love-triangle-tug-of-wars going on. you cannot make someone choose between a baby and an adult. a baby needs all the support, in whatever way, by it's parents whilst growing up. please do not give him childish ultimatums. this child will need it's father, but your boyfriend has to decide to what extent and capacity he will be involved in it's life, and make sure it's for all the right reasons. he's done the right thing by accepting he may be responsible to start with and to take on that responsibility if it is. you have to respect that, because a lot of guys would run. it takes two to tango, and as sparkle said, he got himself into this mess, it's up to him to figure out what to do next. and you can live without him if he decides to live with the mother. you did it before you met him.

[sparkle]

I truly apologize if it seemed like I was jumping to conclusions. I didn't mean it that way at all. I didn't

 

mean to say that you would make him choose between you

 

or the child. I was just pointing it out, that's all.

 

I understand that you don't want him going back to his

 

ex gf. I was referring to that. He will have to choose

 

between being with you or his ex. But he will decide

 

what he feels is best to do in this situation, and you

 

have to understand that, what you think is not necessarily

 

what he thinks is the right thing to do.

 

If he stayed with you instead, I'm sure you'd help him be a good father and help raise the child. And if he chose to stay with his ex, then maybe the child will suffer, and he will suffer also. But if he does decide on going back to his ex, it's his decision. He might think that's the best thing to do.

well i would never make him choose between his child and me that is the worst thing anyone can do. it is a matter of him going to his ex g/f or not. i will fully support him if he was the father and had to meet up to his duties of being a father. if he is the father and he chooses to stay with me then i will be there for the baby as well. i feel that the both of you jumped to and outragous conclusion thinking that i would make him choose between his child and me. also the reason i said that i would not be able to live with myself if he was with her and not me is because i know what kind of childish games she played with him and i dont want him or the baby to experience that.

[Nic]

i know this must be very hard for you. i really feel for you.

 

i certainly wasn't jumping to conclusions though - just looking at it from an angle that could have been possible. i didn't say you would do that. because we don't know your personality, and because you are obviously unsure of what to do, as many avenues as possible have to be explored. for all i knew, you might have felt like he had to make a decision between you and the baby. but i'm so glad you don't. but i never said that was what you would do. it was an avenue that had to be explored, becuase i don't personally know you, and a lot of girls have given ultimatums like that to men before. it wasn't a personal attack, just some objective advice.

 

and no one was insulting you when you said you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he went to her. the way it comes across, is that you couldn't live knowing he is with someone else, and we were offering advice and help for your sake. if you don't like it, that's ok, because not everyone's advice suits different problems. i think i'd feel the same. you're looking out for him, and that's special. but i certainly wasn't attacking you and can't read minds.

 

i'm just glad you have your head screwed on and aren't like that.

 

good luck to you.

well i would never make him choose between his child and me that is the worst thing anyone can do. it is a matter of him going to his ex g/f or not. i will fully support him if he was the father and had to meet up to his duties of being a father. if he is the father and he chooses to stay with me then i will be there for the baby as well. i feel that the both of you jumped to and outragous conclusion thinking that i would make him choose between his child and me. also the reason i said that i would not be able to live with myself if he was with her and not me is because i know what kind of childish games she played with him and i dont want him or the baby to experience that.

[susie]

thank you so much both of you for your apologies and your advice. the advice you two gave me helped me out a great deal. thank you. i am also very sorry if i seemed a bit pissy before.

i know this must be very hard for you. i really feel for you. i certainly wasn't jumping to conclusions though - just looking at it from an angle that could have been possible. i didn't say you would do that. because we don't know your personality, and because you are obviously unsure of what to do, as many avenues as possible have to be explored. for all i knew, you might have felt like he had to make a decision between you and the baby. but i'm so glad you don't. but i never said that was what you would do. it was an avenue that had to be explored, becuase i don't personally know you, and a lot of girls have given ultimatums like that to men before. it wasn't a personal attack, just some objective advice. and no one was insulting you when you said you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if he went to her. the way it comes across, is that you couldn't live knowing he is with someone else, and we were offering advice and help for your sake. if you don't like it, that's ok, because not everyone's advice suits different problems. i think i'd feel the same. you're looking out for him, and that's special. but i certainly wasn't attacking you and can't read minds. i'm just glad you have your head screwed on and aren't like that. good luck to you.

[sparkle]

Suzie,

 

I really hope things turn out okay for you. Maybe the paternity test will be a nice surprise. But if it's his baby, I really hope he makes the right decision. I hope

 

he decides to be a part of the baby's life, but sticks with you..and not let his ex take control over him again. I bet you would help him take care of the baby 100 times better than that girl, who can't even say for sure that he's the baby's father.

 

If things go wrong, I just hope you'll meet a wonderful guy one day soon, and one who won't have these types of issues.

[Nic]

that's ok susie. i think it can be really hard to understand the tone in a message. having it written down can be read many different ways. it's harder to interpret the tone used when you're not hearing it. i'm sorry if it sounded condescending, because i meant it with the best of intentions and not in a rude way at all. don't worry if you sounded pissy before. we all get that way when we're sensitive, and our emotions are all over the place. i seriously wasn't offended at all, so it's cool. i tooooootally understand why you'd feel like that.

 

i think you're doing a very noble thing by standing by him and the baby, if it is. he will need your support, and what better person to give it to him than the person he loves very much, and the person who loves him very much.

 

good luck to you. you're a real gem for standing by him, and no matter how the situation ends up, i think he will always appreciate you and love you for being so concerned and open about it

 

thank you so much both of you for your apologies and your advice. the advice you two gave me helped me out a great deal. thank you. i am also very sorry if i seemed a bit pissy before.