When did you feel at your "lowest" during the A ?

[TheOW]

Just wondering if everyone of us are pretty similar this way.

 

Mines had to be when he went away on a weekend trip to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.

 

I dont think I have ever felt as sh*t and unworthy in my whole life, it was horrible, although he did text me a few times while away. The thousands of thoughts running through my head were agonising, i cried, i didnt talk to anyone and I did not eat for 4 days not 1 thing and i also never slept much.

 

Just wanted to point out thats its not always a "rush" or exciting, sometimes its just plain crap and drives you crazy.

 

Im not including NC or when you ended things, i mean during the A when things were going along fine.

Edited April 17, 2013 by TheOW

[Goodbye]

Mine was when my MM told me he'd gone away for the weekend with his son. Made elaborate stories about how it was a father/son trip. Later I see pictures from that very weekend on his wife's facebook with her in them! Nice! I was shattered. I mean, I knew there MUST be dishonesty going both ways but he was so emphatic about how he wasn't with his wife it was alarming to me how badly he wanted to convince me regardless of the obvious truth. There were a few other lies like this that just really broke me. I am still broken now.

[Silly_Girl]

I was on holiday in Australia and he promised he'd get a flat to move in to whilst I was gone. I was gone a month, and slowly, slowly, over the weeks, it became clear he wasn't trying. Or wasn't trying hard enough, rather. It burned me deep and I couldn't easily talk to him (time zones) and we always communicated well face to face and couldn't do that. It was very hard.

[TheOW]

When I realized I'd fallen in love with him. I felt so stupid for "letting that happen" and realized exactly how deep a mess I was in. At that time I just kept thinking I needed to walk away, and I coudln't figure out how to not have him in my life.

I had no idea how to "do" this...and I was so lost.

 

Wow im so with you on this one ! Yes that first time we tried to walk away from each other neither of us actually realised how deep we were in it. That was scary. And I still believe if we didnt get caught we would still be in it now. Even now sometimes I think I want him back I want my friend back but I wont dwell on these thoughts anymore because even if he did leave his wife there is still that "age gap" that I know would become a problem.

[cocorico]

Just wondering if everyone of us are pretty similar this way.

 

Mines had to be when he went away on a weekend trip to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.

 

I dont think I have ever felt as sh*t and unworthy in my whole life, it was horrible, although he did text me a few times while away. The thousands of thoughts running through my head were agonising, i cried, i didnt talk to anyone and I did not eat for 4 days not 1 thing and i also never slept much.

 

Just wanted to point out thats its not always a "rush" or exciting, sometimes its just plain crap and drives you crazy.

 

Im not including NC or when you ended things, i mean during the A when things were going along fine.

 

At the point where we fell in love and decided we wanted to be together. It all just looked so hopeless. We were on different continents we both had many reasons preventing us moving. And even of we could move, getting a visa would be impossible without our being M, and a D would take a minimum of two (and up to five, if contested) years, and of course she would contest. And would the kids survive another split? And would he lose the house? And I mine? And my opposition to M, where would that leave me? and whose career would be more portable? could he face living in my country, with all its foreignness and challenges? could i face living in his, with all its backward attitudes and bad climate? It all seemed impossible!

 

But we wanted it, and we made it happen, and we're really glad we did.

[DelusionalOne]

When I realized I'd fallen in love with him. I felt so stupid for "letting that happen" and realized exactly how deep a mess I was in. At that time I just kept thinking I needed to walk away, and I coudln't figure out how to not have him in my life.

I had no idea how to "do" this...and I was so lost.

 

Wow im so with you on this one ! Yes that first time we tried to walk away from each other neither of us actually realised how deep we were in it. That was scary. And I still believe if we didnt get caught we would still be in it now. Even now sometimes I think I want him back I want my friend back but I wont dwell on these thoughts anymore because even if he did leave his wife there is still that "age gap" that I know would become a problem.

 

I'm with both of you. I could have written both your posts as my own.

[Elfie]

Just wondering if everyone of us are pretty similar this way.

 

Just wanted to point out thats its not always a "rush" or exciting, sometimes its just plain crap and drives you crazy.

 

Im not including NC or when you ended things, i mean during the A when things were going along fine.

 

Pretty much from start to end, just the occasional good feeling that lasted at most around 12 hours each time, when I hoped he meant what he said. I know I was vulnerable, grieving and desperate and needy and have little in my life - and now suffering depression trying to move on.

 

I think we believe what we want to believe, rather than what we should believe, which I learned from being a BS twice.

[Goodbye]

I thought of another major low...while I was on a trip with exMM he'd passed off as a guy's golf weekend (we returned to our university together and stayed at an inn, but ok), he actually took me into the golf pro shop to buy his wife a shirt as part of his elaborate cover-up. Yes, yes...I should have walked away. I didn't and it went on for almost another year with many more incidents like this one.

[MissBee]

Just wondering if everyone of us are pretty similar this way.

 

Mines had to be when he went away on a weekend trip to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.

 

I dont think I have ever felt as sh*t and unworthy in my whole life, it was horrible, although he did text me a few times while away. The thousands of thoughts running through my head were agonising, i cried, i didnt talk to anyone and I did not eat for 4 days not 1 thing and i also never slept much.

 

Just wanted to point out thats its not always a "rush" or exciting, sometimes its just plain crap and drives you crazy.

 

Im not including NC or when you ended things, i mean during the A when things were going along fine.

 

Good question!

 

One of the lowest points for me was once I called his home at about 11pm (they didn't live together so I was used to calling at anytime I pleased) and she answered the phone. Totally caught me off guard, and it also caught her off guard. It was this odd moment of time stopping where I could hear her hesitate with the unvoiced question of "Who are you?" and me thinking "Are you HER?" I asked for him and after what seemed like an eternity, she gave him the phone. When he answered, his entire demeanor was polite and cold, like when you're talking to someone you don't know very well. I called just to chat as well as to ask him a question about some computer issues I was having, but since everything was already awkward, I just asked about my computer question. He responded and then told me I should do xyz and if it doesn't work call back tomorrow.

 

I was sooooooooooooooooooo hurt! And the reality shone so bright in that moment. Normally when we talk it's very intimate, personal, he would talk to me like a man would his gf. But his actual gf was around, so he had to treat me like I was his client. This was also the first time I encountered her as a real person, as I had never met or seen her before, so hearing her voice also jarred me. The next day he called me and was back to his usual self and I didn't bring up what happened, but randomly in the middle, he decided to address the elephant in the room and explain that "By the way last night, that was Mary (not real name), she unexpectedly came up to see me." All I could say was "Oh okay" smh.

 

Yeppp that was a low moment for me. There were others periodically that would "burst the bubble" but that in particular was a huge one.

Edited April 17, 2013 by MissBee

[Got it]

My lowest point? In hindsight while I had some lows in the affair, my lowest point was during S/D. When everything had hit the fan, everything was just a struggle, and a lot of hurt people all around. It seemed so overwhelming and that it never was going to get better.

 

Prior to that was when we were broken up, that was pretty miserable.

[TheOW]

Good question!

 

One of the lowest points for me was once I called his home at about 11pm (they didn't live together so I was used to calling at anytime I pleased) and she answered the phone. Totally caught me off guard, and it also caught her off guard. It was this odd moment of time stopping where I could hear her hesitate with the unvoiced question of "Who are you?" and me thinking "Are you HER?" I asked for him and after what seemed like an eternity, she gave him the phone. When he answered, his entire demeanor was polite and cold, like when you're talking to someone you don't know very well. I called just to chat as well as to ask him a question about some computer issues I was having, but since everything was already awkward, I just asked about my computer question. He responded and then told me I should do xyz and if it doesn't work call back tomorrow.

 

I was sooooooooooooooooooo hurt! And the reality shone so bright in that moment. Normally when we talk it's very intimate, personal, he would talk to me like a man would his gf. But his actual gf was around, so he had to treat me like I was his client. This was also the first time I encountered her as a real person, as I had never met or seen her before, so hearing her voice also jarred me. The next day he called me and was back to his usual self and I didn't bring up what happened, but randomly in the middle, he decided to address the elephant in the room and explain that "By the way last night, that was Mary (not real name), she unexpectedly came up to see me." All I could say was "Oh okay" smh.

 

Yeppp that was a low moment for me. There were others periodically that would "burst the bubble" but that in particular was a huge one.

 

Yeah there was a few times when we were together and his wife phoned his cell ... awkward and i usually went to the bathroom because i really did not want to hear him speak with her, I know its his wife but you still feel territorial and jealous about him. He never asked me to leave the room or area when she rang i just did and he probably appreciated that as well. There was always this strange atmosphere for about 10 mins afterwards where both of us were lost in our own thoughts and our realities came crashing down.

[loredo21]

One night while he was driving me to my car we ran out of gas. We were walking and laughing our asses off to the gas station and a cop pulled up to help us out and he called me "Mrs. ______" (car was in her name.) That made me feel stupid. The ****tiest I probably felt was after I got done giving him his 1st BJ I looked at his FB later and his wife had left a father's day message about how he was the best Daddy in the world and deserved all the joy and happiness of anyone. Yep. I was hooker scum.

[pj4ever]

My lowest point is still being blocked on his facebook. It was a nightmare trying to explain to friends why he disappeared off my friends list and why he didn't accompany me to a formal function he said he'd go with me. I got a lot of "shaking heads" from my friends and co-workers.

 

On D-Day I was removed from his facebook and blocked. My emails were blocked. Except his phone, I could still text him. I texted him all day and they were ignored. Until later that evening he replied it was over between us. I was still in shell-shock. I reminded him that he kept telling me he was leaving her. He denied it. "I never said that." I've had multiple D-Days after that because we kept breaking the NC. Multiple lows. Another lowest point was after breaking NC and yahoo chatting, he told me he missed me and to hang in there. I was supposed to hear from him over that weekend but never did for a couple of weeks. He finally said he was busy at work. He was really on vacation with his GF and pictures were all over his facebook. One of my friends is still FB friends with him. He takes screen shots of everything she posts and what he posts.

 

She finds us out all the time. Can't tell you how many times he had to create fake email accounts only to have to delete them after she discovers them. Everytime I get the undeliverable mail kick-back message, it's like being personally kicked over and over again.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

after the 'mini d-day' (she just found one text, he said we were in an EA), he had sent a 'i wont contact you' message. it was my birthday. and that same day, she changed her FB picture to one of the two of them kissing.

it was just.. gut-wrenching. seeing him 'looking' happy, knowing he was faking it with probably both of us at one time or another.

that was a long time ago.

 

other lows... when he says he'll come over and and then can't because 'something has come up.' which is basically the reality of being 2nd place.

[tryingto]

My lowest point which lead to my ending our A was when he spent all weekend telling me he was moving out to his new place. Sent a couple of pictures of packed boxes, etc. He shared a couple of funny stories about the process. Told about the things he was buying for his apartment. He told me he understood why I had been so hesitant to get my hopes up til it happened and he reassured me it was actually happening! He told me how much he loved me and how excited he was to actually have an "open" relationship with me...

 

Long story short, I figured out 2-3 days later (we were in a long distance relationship and apparently he thought I was stupid) that none of it was true and he hadn't gone anywhere.

 

Wow... remembering and writing that sure makes it easier to not miss him...

[AnotherRound]

Good thread!

 

For me, it was when I realized that I was helping he and his wife do something that I would never partake in within my own life - something I didn't respect at all - living a lie.

 

I remember just sitting here one day, working on some paper work, and my mind wandered - and it just hit me - I do not want to be a part of this charade any longer. No matter how much I loved him, or how much he loved me - I was losing respect for him FAST when thinking about how they both just "settled" because it seemed easier than "living". And, I wondered how I had become a willing participant in that? Like the frog in the water cooking on the stove - ya know?

 

It was a painful realization - that I had participated in helping them both live this charade - helped them deceive everyone around them, including their children - and I knew I had to get out.

 

I ended it that day. No looking back. We did not have any face to face contact after that point at all - except running into each other around town accidentally (casually and civilly, with phone calls from him after). We talked occasionally - but it was very surface.

 

Honestly, until they both decided to get divorced - my respect for both of them was pretty much in the dumps. Now, I can honestly say that I have regained a lot of respect back for both of them - they are finally living their lives. They are finally being authentic - they finally did what needed to be done long ago -faced their fears (which never came to fruition anyway!) and moved on -

 

So, for me - it was that. Realizing that I was assisting people live unauthentic lives - keeping it going for them when it so needed to end. And, had I taken myself out of the equation years before that, I have no way to really know, but I think it would have happened much sooner as it became pretty apparent that I was honestly the only thing holding them together (the now exW has even expressed this and stated that had I stayed, they would "probably still be married just going along like always"... ew!)

[MissBee]

Yeah there was a few times when we were together and his wife phoned his cell ... awkward and i usually went to the bathroom because i really did not want to hear him speak with her, I know its his wife but you still feel territorial and jealous about him. He never asked me to leave the room or area when she rang i just did and he probably appreciated that as well. There was always this strange atmosphere for about 10 mins afterwards where both of us were lost in our own thoughts and our realities came crashing down.

 

Yepp.

 

No matter how "happy" I was, it was always teetering, as some event like that or other would burst in and remind me that sorry, this is not a "normal" situation. We could create normalcy as much as we could, but so long as he was maintaining two relationships and one in secret, and where I was the hidden one but allowed to know about her...it would never be completely normal.

[Goodbye]

My lowest point which lead to my ending our A was when he spent all weekend telling me he was moving out to his new place. Sent a couple of pictures of packed boxes, etc. He shared a couple of funny stories about the process. Told about the things he was buying for his apartment. He told me he understood why I had been so hesitant to get my hopes up til it happened and he reassured me it was actually happening! He told me how much he loved me and how excited he was to actually have an "open" relationship with me...

 

Long story short, I figured out 2-3 days later (we were in a long distance relationship and apparently he thought I was stupid) that none of it was true and he hadn't gone anywhere.

 

Wow... remembering and writing that sure makes it easier to not miss him...

 

 

Wow! Reading this, it seems SO outrageous. But reflecting upon my recent relationship with MM, I suspect there were instances like this. I think he actually faked some pictures of a "guys weekend" when he was away with his wife. I wonder why they feel compelled to lie to that extent. How did you find out the truth?

[MissBee]

My lowest point which lead to my ending our A was when he spent all weekend telling me he was moving out to his new place. Sent a couple of pictures of packed boxes, etc. He shared a couple of funny stories about the process. Told about the things he was buying for his apartment. He told me he understood why I had been so hesitant to get my hopes up til it happened and he reassured me it was actually happening! He told me how much he loved me and how excited he was to actually have an "open" relationship with me...

 

Long story short, I figured out 2-3 days later (we were in a long distance relationship and apparently he thought I was stupid) that none of it was true and he hadn't gone anywhere.

 

Wow... remembering and writing that sure makes it easier to not miss him...

 

Wowww...so he packed up fake boxes and made up stories about fake items he bought for his imaginary apartment? LMAOOOOO I am terribly sorry about that, but it's comical , and I'm sure one day you'll be telling this story and cracking up at how ridiculous he was for that.

[Lillyfree]

i was going to spend a week in his town. we've talked about it a few times, and he kept saying how much he looked forward to seeing me again... then, disappears a few days before i was to travel there. this was longest that we haven't been in touch.

 

i get there, and he messages me... i pretty much tell him to get stuffed, and ignore his random (and quite weird) messages.

 

then one evening i was online while finishing something for work, and he pops up - his first words to me where how his gf and him had a fight and he's feeling 'unhappy and unloved'.

 

that wasn't what got me low. the fact that i wanted to say all sorts of things to him - mostly where to stick it - but instead i just excused myself. the fact that he asked if he was going to see me, and instead of again telling him where to stick it i met up with him. the fact that he took me to some crappy restaurant which was out of the way... i just felt so cheap.

and on the way back from meeting him, i cried. not because i was sad, but because i realised what i was.

[AnotherRound]

i was going to spend a week in his town. we've talked about it a few times, and he kept saying how much he looked forward to seeing me again... then, disappears a few days before i was to travel there. this was longest that we haven't been in touch.

 

i get there, and he messages me... i pretty much tell him to get stuffed, and ignore his random (and quite weird) messages.

 

then one evening i was online while finishing something for work, and he pops up - his first words to me where how his gf and him had a fight and he's feeling 'unhappy and unloved'.

 

that wasn't what got me low. the fact that i wanted to say all sorts of things to him - mostly where to stick it - but instead i just excused myself. the fact that he asked if he was going to see me, and instead of again telling him where to stick it i met up with him. the fact that he took me to some crappy restaurant which was out of the way... i just felt so cheap.

and on the way back from meeting him, i cried. not because i was sad, but because i realised what i was.

 

Ugh, I'm sorry you went through that! I know that feeling of moving my boundaries for someone and then feeling like **** afterwards. It's a terrible feeling. I hope that it's made you more resolute now to know that your boundaries are there as a healthy guide and to respect them!!!!

 

I used to move my boundaries around a lot for my exH - which led to me feeling like **** as he continued to take advantage of it. Each time I swore I wouldn't do it again - but I did, so many times. By the end of that relationship I had zero self-esteem and it took a while to build that back up. Again, terrible place to be when we are angry with ourselves!!!

[Lillyfree]

Ugh, I'm sorry you went through that! I know that feeling of moving my boundaries for someone and then feeling like **** afterwards. It's a terrible feeling. I hope that it's made you more resolute now to know that your boundaries are there as a healthy guide and to respect them!!!!

 

I used to move my boundaries around a lot for my exH - which led to me feeling like **** as he continued to take advantage of it. Each time I swore I wouldn't do it again - but I did, so many times. By the end of that relationship I had zero self-esteem and it took a while to build that back up. Again, terrible place to be when we are angry with ourselves!!!

 

thanks AR

 

at a risk of sounding sappy, this made my eyes leaky again. they haven't been for a while...

 

i have never allowed anyone to treat me that way. by the end of it i felt lower than trash - gone from someone proud and self assured to a bumbling mess.

 

bah, damn onions

[AnotherRound]

thanks AR

 

at a risk of sounding sappy, this made my eyes leaky again. they haven't been for a while...

 

i have never allowed anyone to treat me that way. by the end of it i felt lower than trash - gone from someone proud and self assured to a bumbling mess.

 

bah, damn onions

 

Well, even though I didn't tear up at your post - I did get that knot in my stomach when I was remembering (very vividly!) how I used to feel after doing something against my own best interest. I always felt so ashamed and so out of control - ugh - and always wanted to take it back. But of course in life there are no take backs - damn it! BUT - there are always other chances to do better the next time.

[MissBee]

i was going to spend a week in his town. we've talked about it a few times, and he kept saying how much he looked forward to seeing me again... then, disappears a few days before i was to travel there. this was longest that we haven't been in touch.

 

i get there, and he messages me... i pretty much tell him to get stuffed, and ignore his random (and quite weird) messages.

 

then one evening i was online while finishing something for work, and he pops up - his first words to me where how his gf and him had a fight and he's feeling 'unhappy and unloved'.

 

that wasn't what got me low. the fact that i wanted to say all sorts of things to him - mostly where to stick it - but instead i just excused myself. the fact that he asked if he was going to see me, and instead of again telling him where to stick it i met up with him. the fact that he took me to some crappy restaurant which was out of the way... i just felt so cheap.

and on the way back from meeting him, i cried. not because i was sad, but because i realised what i was.

 

 

I can totally relate to your feelings. While the same didn't happen to me, I have been in other situations where I have allowed a man to treat me as an afterthought and allowed it and you feel WAAAAAAAY worse about what you accepted and allowed than what they did.

 

From what I see here though, you're doing lots better and can certainly look back on lessons learned.

[Lillyfree]

Well, even though I didn't tear up at your post - I did get that knot in my stomach when I was remembering (very vividly!) how I used to feel after doing something against my own best interest. I always felt so ashamed and so out of control - ugh - and always wanted to take it back. But of course in life there are no take backs - damn it! BUT - there are always other chances to do better the next time.

 

 

exactly. and it's important not to forget those low moments - even at a risk of leaky eyes...

that's what can keep you going down that crappy road again.

 

sorry for t/j OP, it's been a bit of a sh*tty day.