Jealousy/Insecurity Ruining Me and R'ship?

[Tally123]

Hi,

Basically I have a problem with jealousy, major problem, I know some times it gets out of control and I need to sort it out quickly.

 

A bit of background, I started going out with my bf in September time of last year, let me say that he is the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. He treats me like a princess, he would do anything for me and anyone, is a gentleman and I do trust him. I feel he is always honest with me and have no reason whatsoever to think any different. He is just an all round lovely person with the biggest heart.

 

The problem is that I am jealous constantly on a daily basis. When we are together, when we are not together, it doesnt matter.

 

I ask him questions constantly about his ex gfs, I get annoyed if I find out that they have met certain friends or family members, when he was with them. (I have even said I would not attend an event I found out his ex met certain friends - I did eventually go after him talking me into). At the moment I now find myself being quiet with him or short with him when in his presence because I have got jealous about something and am annoyed at him.

 

I think I know where my problems started, I have low self asteem issues to begin with and an ex fiance who I loved deeply cheated on me alot, broke me down, made me feel worthless. Also, I have a mother who I love deeply and am very close to, however she has in the past and still does at times put me down about my appearance, or that my hair needs a brush and said I need to watch my weight etc. However, I think ppl would say that I am pretty and am tall and slim (their words maybe, not mine)

 

I worry and am anxious all the time that my bf will leave me, find someone else better, texts girls inappropriately behind my back or do something shady.

 

It has gotten to the point where I cannot be happy as I always have questions I want to ask him about an ex, or about a girl he once knew, or anything i can basically find to question him about that doesnt involve me.

 

Writing this down, i know how crazy this all sounds and I do want to stop being like this as he is pretty great and I would be devestated if I lost him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you and sorry for the long nutty post !

 

T

[ForeverHopeful1]

So basically.......... you are creating what you fear? Would that be a fair assumption?

 

I think getting down to the bottom of WHY you are doing these things, when there is "no reason" and he is a great person, great boyfriend, and someone who you rationally know would never cheat on you. Why? Are you jealous for no reason, or do you have reason to believe he would do these things?

 

He will get tired one day and what you are doing will push him away even if he is having fun playing the game with you now. Right now, with you being this way, he can go through the motions and tell you what you want/need to hear, but he will grow exhausted of having to explain himself for NO reason. Try to seek help for this before you push him away OR accept that your fears may be warranted. Is there any part of you that knows your fears may actually be warranted or is this literally all in your head???

 

Dont bring your baggage into this relationship. I would talk to your Dr about seeing a counsellor? Find a therapist in the area? Do some work on this because you may lose him just out of shear exhaustion on his part. How is he supposed to continue like this forever? He cant and he wont and you shouldnt expect him to. So do what you have to do to heal and get better from this or your biggest fear will unravel in front of your face, leaving you even less likely to treat men differently because not only have you been cheated on by the ex fiance, but now this wonderful man had enough of you and didnt want to stay with you on top of it.

 

What will happen when he finally decides to end things because he cant be all the things you want? Is banging your head against the wall, fun? I dont think this is fun for him either. I hope you dont point fingers and say, "see, I knew you would leave and that I should have never trusted you!!!!!!!" Its unfair to push him away like this, and youre doing yourself a huge injustice by not getting some help for the things that have happened to you, or been done to you in the past. It is ok to accept help. It is even ok to need it. Dont you deserve to free yourself from this, Hun?

[Tally123]

Thank you ForeverHopeful for taking the time to read and reply to my post!

 

Everything you say is spot on and I know all this....but I just cant help myself.

 

In answer to your question he has never given me any reason to mistrust him at all.....He is very open about everything, never hides anything, if SMS comes through will open it in front of me, same with any social things, I have met all of his friends, his family. He has a few close girl friends (as well as men) from College/University that he used to live with, that had made me feel uneasy in the beginning, but I have also met them and they are just all close friends and are really nice people. Basically, i think if i cant trust him then I have no hope of trusting anyone as he is pretty much an open book.

 

You are true in what you have said, I have brought my emotional baggage from my past rship into this one and I know that is not fair on him whatsoever. He is paying the price for what my ex fiance did to me.

 

I just live in fear every day that he will leave me and think that someone else is much more attractive than me and then he will think "why arent I with her instead".

 

To be honest I have kept a lot of this to myself and do try to hide it from him. I dont ever really tell him what is going on in my head, but am just usually quiet, or short with him if I am having one of my moments.

 

Again, thank you, I definitely need to start getting a grip of the situation and myself

 

T

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you ForeverHopeful for taking the time to read and reply to my post!

 

Everything you say is spot on and I know all this....but I just cant help myself.

 

In answer to your question he has never given me any reason to mistrust him at all.....He is very open about everything, never hides anything, if SMS comes through will open it in front of me, same with any social things, I have met all of his friends, his family. He has a few close girl friends (as well as men) from College/University that he used to live with, that had made me feel uneasy in the beginning, but I have also met them and they are just all close friends and are really nice people. Basically, i think if i cant trust him then I have no hope of trusting anyone as he is pretty much an open book.

 

You are true in what you have said, I have brought my emotional baggage from my past rship into this one and I know that is not fair on him whatsoever. He is paying the price for what my ex fiance did to me.

 

I just live in fear every day that he will leave me and think that someone else is much more attractive than me and then he will think "why arent I with her instead".

 

To be honest I have kept a lot of this to myself and do try to hide it from him. I dont ever really tell him what is going on in my head, but am just usually quiet, or short with him if I am having one of my moments.

 

Again, thank you, I definitely need to start getting a grip of the situation and myself

 

T

 

Bold section #one:

Untrue.

you CAN help yourself.

Because you recognise the behaviour, you recognise it is damaging and destructive, and you recognise it's obsessive.

Ergo, THAT - is the first step in helping yourself.

 

Bold section #2:

If you know what the problem is - get serious therapy.

It's unfair to foist your past onto your present, and beat your guy round the head with it.

You admit this.

So quit - and get help.