Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[Mycatsnuggles]

We set the rules in the beginning and my affair works for me. I would love more time with him, there never seems to be enough but besides that were perfect together.

 

We are both married

 

Both plan on staying married

 

There have never been false promises

 

We've been honest about our home relationships (no w of H bashing)

 

He's my friend and lover for more then 2 years (He and I both would be content to have this continue for many many more years as it is)

 

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

 

Week 3 LC (a few texts only, had one yesterday and couldn't believe the way the happiness flooded my soul. Just knowing he was thinking of me).

[will1988]

you should let him go, and confess to your husband, and then get a devorce. You are a cheater. Do you care if your husband is happy? Do you care if your partner's wife is happy? NO! If you did you would not have given in to these selfish urges. You should be ashamed of yourself. You will recieve no sympathy or pitty parties from me.

 

Do the right thing!

[TaraMaiden]

Affairs aren't the problem.

 

Lying, deceit and pain - are the problem.

I personally don't give a damn if you decided to screw the entire New York Giants Squad.

 

My gripe is that you hide it from your H and he believes you're the blessed wonderful darling faithful little wife he married all those years ago....

 

I have a huge problem with deceit.

 

Sex?

Not so much.

Deliberately acting in such a way as to cause your SO pain?

 

Hmmmm.....

I don't like.

 

So much.

[cloudsnmyhead]

So I am a MOW... I think it that if it gives you some happiness that you can't or are unable to get at home why not? I know people are going to beat me up for that answer. I haven't been in my A for very long, but it brings me this incredible happiness. I think it makes me a better mother and a happier wife.

 

I posted something last night and I am getting pretty beat up over the A.

 

What do you need? Why do you need to end it? Just asking...

[ForeverHopeful1]

Would this be ok if your husband did the same thing? Would you be open to an open marriage, where everyone knew exactly what was going on? Or are you a cake eater?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Maybe I should move to France, because it is socially unacceptable here. How many BS would say "sure honey, I get that I am not able to give you everything you need lets have an open relationship!!!"

 

Truly if I thought it was possible I would discuss it. He's not.

 

Maybe this will be the next taboo we break. I agree it would be better if we could openly be together dating. American Society is so hung on sex but affairs aren't always only about sex. There's emotional attachment involved also. H and I have a history and a bond of friendship and parents, OM and I share a bond of lovers and friends. I just wish I could keep both of them.

 

Do we tell people their only allowed one friend? That's what OM is a friend just one I also share initimate moments with besides conversation (or did).

 

OM has more to lose now, so I am letting him go, against his wishes but for his own good.

[MissBee]

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

 

I think this is absurd. I'm not trying to be rude, just frank. I really find it terribly sophomoric to blame "society" when in reality, ask your spouse what THEY think, because their thoughts are the only ones that matter, not some amorphous "society".

 

Lots of people have relationships and lifestyles which are atypical in their society, but it causes no harm, because the people they interact with are okay with it and consent to it. People in America are in polyamorous relationships even though American "society" doesn't see this as the norm. Everyone in their arrangement agrees though.

 

It's not society. You are making a choice that hides the truth from someone else because you want it all. That's fine. Say so. Don't however turn it into a "cause" or make it to be some wrong against YOU by society.... it's not. The truth is people are often selfish and it takes conscious effort to not be that way. When you remove monogamy people still lie, deceive, want to have their cake and eat it too etc. So it's not society's fault, because even in polygamous society's people still can deceive and operate selfishly. The problem then isn't the societal structures and norms, but people feeling pissy because they can't do what they want and trample on others without anyone saying anything about it.

[WhoreyBull]

I don't think it's wrong because it's what society tells me. I think it's wrong because you feel the need to lie to your partner, so that means your partner probably thinks it's wrong.

If you weren't doing anything wrong you'd be enjoying the open marriage you had spoken about with your h and his w, and could tack "honest with spouse" onto that list.

[TaraMaiden]

Beatings very often = Uncomfortable truths.

 

The fact is and the fact remains that someone, somewhere, is being lied to.

 

It really doesn't matter a fig what their personality profile is, or if they're stupid, thick, cruel, abusive, unsatisfactory, fat, lazy, thin, workaholic, boring or they have no libido and smell like a camel's fart.

 

If you don't like who you're with, if they don't float your boat, if they're not 'the person you married' - then leave them.

 

If you choose to not leave them - than there's something in there that is of greater benefit to you, than its absence, so there's something in it for you, something you're getting, something you taking advantage of.

 

Don't you think that this person, who you are taking advantage of, deserves the honesty and clarity of knowing that while you fully intend to stay and reap the rewards of their continued company, you're also happily engaged in greasing someone else's pole?

 

You've made the choice to gain the 'best of both worlds'.... Why do they not deserve the same favour?

What do you think would happen, if you gave them that choice?

 

Sometimes, the actual affair isn't what really does it for you.

What really does it for you is the danger, the secrecy, the subterfuge and the knowledge that all this is going on under their noses - and they're none the wiser. You are getting away with it.

 

This is the person you made a vow to.

This is a person you promised yourself to.

In public.

in front of witnesses.

Sometimes in a modest, quiet intimate gathering, sometimes in something that may even still be in the throes of being paid for now.

Some weddings are wondrously huge affairs, aren't they.....?

Boy, that must have been a helluva day.....

Damn the expense or otherwise - you took this person and gave them your heart, mind and body.

 

And here you are a few years later, holding that promise up to ridicule and contempt.

 

What did you mean, when you took that vow, by the way?

Were you hoping for an expiry date?

A clause in the small-print that would say "It's ok if you don't really mean it - who in their right minds would make a promise like this anyway?!"

 

Look - I would rather - MUCH rather - see people happy than miserable.

I'm happy you're happy.

I'm glad you feel fulfilled and satisfied with what you have, and what you're doing.

My objection is that your happiness is at someone else's expense.

You lied.

You're pulling the wool over someone's eyes, and you don't appear to give a single damn.

Remember who this person is.

 

And take a good long look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself:

 

"I may be happy - but where the phukk did my integrity go?"

 

Because try as I might, in all this happiness - I can't for the life of me, see it anywhere.

[GorillaTheater]

I think this is absurd. I'm not trying to be rude, just frank. I really find it terribly sophomoric to blame "society" when in reality, ask your spouse what THEY think, because their thoughts are the only ones that matter, not some amorphous "society".

 

Excellent point, and one I was going to make on reading the OP's second reference to "society". It's a silly red herring to mask the real issue of whether your spouses would approve.

 

Makes me very curious as to why neither of you have told your spouses. I'd welcome hearing your reasoning, though I suspect I can guess.

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe I should move to France, because it is socially unacceptable here. How many BS would say "sure honey, I get that I am not able to give you everything you need lets have an open relationship!!!"

This may surprise you, but I lived in France for 9 years, and please trust me - it's socially unacceptable there too.

The only reason it appears to be tolerated, is that divorce is not as easy an arrangement as it is elsewhere in western countries.

 

Truly if I thought it was possible I would discuss it. He's not.

Then divorce him.

 

Maybe this will be the next taboo we break. I agree it would be better if we could openly be together dating. American Society is so hung on sex but affairs aren't always only about sex. There's emotional attachment involved also. H and I have a history and a bond of friendship and parents, OM and I share a bond of lovers and friends. I just wish I could keep both of them.

That's precisely the 'advantage' I mentioned, that you are taking.

You are denying your H. the courtesy of being able to make an informed choice - and all because YOU don't wish to be shown up in front of parents and relatives.

Do we tell people their only allowed one friend? That's what OM is a friend just one I also share initimate moments with besides conversation (or did).

Do you have sex with all your friends then? That's what you should ask OM - in case he's lying to you, as much as you are lying to your husband....

 

OM has more to lose now, so I am letting him go, against his wishes but for his own good.

 

That's big of you.

It's a shame you didn't consider your husband's 'good' when you first spread your legs open for this guy.

Did you think of your H, as this guy pumped you up, and say "It's for your own good, dear H!"....?

[waterwoman]

Society be damned! It's got bugger all to do with society. H's affair was wrong because it hurt ME and our children and was deceitful and selfish.

 

Society can kiss my arse to be frank!

[Got it]

We set the rules in the beginning and my affair works for me. I would love more time with him, there never seems to be enough but besides that were perfect together.

 

We are both married

 

Both plan on staying married

 

There have never been false promises

 

We've been honest about our home relationships (no w of H bashing)

 

He's my friend and lover for more then 2 years (He and I both would be content to have this continue for many many more years as it is)

 

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

 

Week 3 LC (a few texts only, had one yesterday and couldn't believe the way the happiness flooded my soul. Just knowing he was thinking of me).

 

My affair was about a year and some change, I was a HOW for most of it.

[TaraMaiden]

American Society is so hung on sex but affairs aren't always only about sex.

 

Could I just point something out?

People mention 'society' as if it's something they are personally removed from.

 

Society looks down on gay marriage; society looks down on errant teenagers; society is responsible for the violence we see an increase in; society dictates what we see on TV....

 

It may have escaped you, Mycatsnuggles but you are just as much a part of society, as anyone else is.

And you are part of what is wrong with society.

You are part of the society that needs fixing; your deceitful behaviour falls into the part of society which is both distasteful and unpopular.

 

I have extremely liberal attitudes to sex.

I hold the educated opinion that humans, being mammals and top of the Simian sector - are not programmed to be monogamous.

 

But I'm also a great believer in personal responsibility, and taking it to the hilt.

 

If you cannot keep a promise - don't make one.

If you believe you're going to break it - then do something to prevent collateral damage. Don't break it anyway, simply because it suits you to do so.

And you did so - because you felt like it.

 

And that, is a selfish trait in and of society.

A society of which you are a fully paid up member.

[Toddbt12y1]

Much like a kid being condemned for being caught doing something bad, and trying to make excuses up...these people are doing the samething.

 

It is easier on the conscious to use "society" as the fault for what they're doing.

 

No, I am not being mean by using "much like a kid." These infractions are killing me. So ill play nice.

[So happy together]

AND THE BEATINGS WILL NOW BEGIN!!

 

Listen, if you are happy, be happy. I have been a HOW for about a year and a half, until he left his stbxw 4 months ago.

 

But while I was the OW, I was happy. And he was happy too, for the first time in a long time.

 

The people that are bashing you right now are judgemental and not very nice (Now they'll attack me, and I don't give a damn).

 

There are those of us here that will support you in your decision, whatever that is. It is not for me to judge you, or theirs, even if they think they are the morality police.

 

If you are happy, I am happy for you. If there comes a time when you are less happy, time to rethink.

[TaraMaiden]

We set the rules in the beginning and my affair works for me. I would love more time with him, there never seems to be enough but besides that were perfect together.

 

We are both married - but not to each other.

 

Both plan on staying married continuing to lie to our respective spouses, families and parents.

 

There have never been false promises - except to our spouses, but they don't count.

 

We've been honest about our home relationships (no w of H bashing)because if anyone really needs bashing, it's us....

 

He's my friend and lover for more then 2 years (He and I both would be content to have this continue for many many more years as it is)it's ok, we've cleared it with our spouses and they really don't mind. Well... in our heads we have.

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong?

 

They're right, of course....

 

I just wonder why should I? I....I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.However, I have decided to not give my H the option of this choice, because I like things just the way they are, they suit me.

 

That's better.

 

Fixed it for you.

 

Open your eyes.

 

This isn't the happy-clappy wonderful thing you make it out to be.

[TheOW]

I was happy in my Affair and I like you felt happy within it, I was a better wife and mother because i was happy

 

Always a downside though - when i wasnt happy or when we had fallen out etc I was a bad wife and i am ashamed to say a bad mother (not physically, i would never harm my children but in the sense i wouldnt leave the house to take them to the park because i felt down)

 

And that is no way to live

[GorillaTheater]

AND THE BEATINGS WILL NOW BEGIN!!

 

Listen, if you are happy, be happy. I have been a HOW for about a year and a half, until he left his stbxw 4 months ago.

 

But while I was the OW, I was happy. And he was happy too, for the first time in a long time.

 

The people that are bashing you right now are judgemental and not very nice (Now they'll attack me, and I don't give a damn).

 

There are those of us here that will support you in your decision, whatever that is. It is not for me to judge you, or theirs, even if they think they are the morality police.

 

If you are happy, I am happy for you. If there comes a time when you are less happy, time to rethink.

 

I think you'll find that most of the objections on this thread are to the OP's bemoaning of "society's" judgment, when the real issue here is her and her AP's fear of their spouses' judgment. That, and the dishonesty in dealing with their spouses.

 

Her marriage and her affair are her business. Just don't try to sell me on how her issues are society's fault. That merits calling out every time.

[So happy together]

It just really occurs to me that everyone is upset because we are happy. Sorry you're not. We are living our lives in a way that makes us the happiest we can be. You are not the morality police. I'm sure you do all kinds of things of which I would not approve. But I wouldn't beat you up about it. I find it pathetic that people come here for advice and you wait for them to post, then come in and pick them apart. I posted here a couple of times when I was first in my affair and was flogged. It was so terrible. Thankfully I found a place where there is support for whatever decision I chose. I'm stronger now, and I'm not afraid of those who would bully me.

 

 

 

And if she feels it is 'society' pressuring her, so be it. You've not got the right to tell her it is not society. We ALL know affairs are not generally accepted in society.

Edited April 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

It just really occurs to me that everyone is upset because we are happy. Sorry you're not.

I am actually very happy. And like I said, I'm happy you're happy.

I just don't think the REASON you're happy, is commendable.

 

We are living our lives in a way that makes us the happiest we can be.

Yes, but it's by lying and deceiving someone else - someone you really shouldn't be deceiving, and someone, moreover, whom you promised to NOT deceive....

 

You are not the morality police. I'm sure you do all kinds of things of which I would not approve. But I wouldn't beat you up about it.

I personally avoid at all costs doing something someone else would be right to beat me up for. Besides, they probably couldn't beat me up for it, any more than I would beat myself.

 

It's because I have a conscience.

 

I find it pathetic that people come here for advice and you wait for them to post, then come in and pick them apart. I posted here a couple of times when I was first in my affair and was flogged. It was so terrible. Thankfully I found a place where there is support for whatever decision I chose. I'm stronger now, and I'm not afraid of those who would bully me.

Truth hurts.

Bullying is done by weaker people and is a bad man's show of strength. We're not bullying anyone. We're calling you out on your hypocrisy.

 

And the harlot thing? Completely out of line. I can think of a million things to call people, and I don't. It shows weakness that you must stoop that low.

see my previous post.

 

And if she feels it is 'society' pressuring her, so be it. You've not got the right to tell her it is not society. We ALL know affairs are not generally accepted in society.

Yeah, but as I pointed out, she is not separate from society - she - and you, and everyone else - is PART of society.

Therefore, being part of a whole, you are responsible to that whole. Because that 'whole' includes husbands, wives, parents and children. And if your husbands, wives, parents or children would find affairs unacceptable - isn't that something that should be considered?

[TaraMaiden]

I don't mind at all LFH.

You and I both know where we stand.

 

 

[TheOW]

One thing i miss (ok the main thing) is the sex, im surprised i didnt kill the old man actually but I know for sure he was overwhelmed with the sex he received and was almost ashamed to admit he had never been as adventurous as we were.

 

The crap thing about good sex though is you go back for more and before long you realise your in love with this person and cant/wont ler go.

[So happy together]

I am actually very happy. And like I said, I'm happy you're happy.

I just don't think the REASON you're happy, is commendable.

 

 

Yes, but it's by lying and deceiving someone else - someone you really shouldn't be deceiving, and someone, moreover, whom you promised to NOT deceive....

 

 

I personally avoid at all costs doing something someone else would be right to beat me up for. Besides, they probably couldn't beat me up for it, any more than I would beat myself.

 

It's because I have a conscience.

 

 

Truth hurts.

Bullying is done by weaker people and is a bad man's show of strength. We're not bullying anyone. We're calling you out on your hypocrisy.

 

 

see my previous post.

 

 

Yeah, but as I pointed out, she is not separate from society - she - and you, and everyone else - is PART of society.

Therefore, being part of a whole, you are responsible to that whole. Because that 'whole' includes husbands, wives, parents and children. And if your husbands, wives, parents or children would find affairs unacceptable - isn't that something that should be considered?

 

FIrst, I did not lie or deceive anyone. Ever. Second, you insinuate I have no conscience. You don't know the first thing about me. You are making rash judgements. OP is here for support. If you can't give it, make your way over to the infidelity board and support the BS's over there. You've no idea what she's been through.

 

And yeah, she's being bullied.

Edited April 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GorillaTheater]

FIrst, I did not lie or deceive anyone.

 

Ah, but the OP is, and that is the point being made.

 

Honestly, if she had just left the "judgment of society" nonsense out of it, I would have glossed over this thread without comment, as I almost always do on this particular board.