Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[So happy together]

Society frowns on affairs. Period.

[Turtles]

"Society" says that you can't have 2 husbands.

 

However, promising to be faithful to one man, then lying to him and screwing another, without his knowledge, that's not breaking "society's" rule, no ma'am, that's showing your character as a deceiver and a hypocrite.

 

Big difference.

 

Tell your husband. Then you get to use the "nonconformist" umbrella.

[TaraMaiden]

FIrst, I did not lie or deceive anyone. Ever. Second, you insinuate I have no conscience. You don't know the first thing about me. You are making rash judgements. OP is here for support. If you can't give it, make your way over to the infidelity board and support the BS's over there. You've no idea what she's been through.

 

And yeah, she's being bullied.

 

I haven't bared my fangs,. I have participated in a thread, on an open forum, which is everybody's entitlement, and during which I have not name-called or been insulting, rude or uncivil.

I am not in nay way attempting to change her mind, I am pointing out the anomalies in her rationale.

I don't have 'all' the answers - but the answers to her dilemma and questions are really pretty clear.

I don't see what your issue is with me.

I haven't lied, deceived or insulted anyone.

 

And as she has no idea what I have been through - I reckon that makes us even.

Edited April 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Got it]

"Society" says that you can't have 2 husbands.

 

However, promising to be faithful to one man, then lying to him and screwing another, without his knowledge, that's not breaking "society's" rule, no ma'am, that's showing your character as a deceiver and a hypocrite.

 

Big difference.

 

Tell your husband. Then you get to use the "nonconformist" umbrella.

 

Actually not entirely true. Since many states (at least in the US) allow for fault divorces or alienation of affection lawsuits I think it is safe to argue that society, in those states at least, frown on affairs.

[So happy together]

"Society" says that you can't have 2 husbands.

 

However, promising to be faithful to one man, then lying to him and screwing another, without his knowledge, that's not breaking "society's" rule, no ma'am, that's showing your character as a deceiver and a hypocrite.

 

Big difference.

 

Tell your husband. Then you get to use the "nonconformist" umbrella.

 

You know, I am not disagreeing that it would probably be better to divorce. But you just don't know the reasons for not divorcing. And you don't know what either partner is not getting from the marriage. BTW, I live in a place where society says you can't have more than one wife... and they are ALL OVER THE PLACE, and people just accept it as life. They are not lying to the spouse, that's true, but society still says no, so does the law, and nobody is EVER prosecuted, or persecuted. So, this is YOUR moral stance. It may not be hers, or his, or mine.

 

I was single when I became involved with my boyfriend, I didn't deceive anyone. And he only omitted. When it came out, the marriage was over. But that is JUST US. It certainly is not that way for everyone, and it is not your job to rip them to shreds if they choose that for their life. Even if you disagree, you could be just a bit nicer, don't you think? I mean, with your high moral standing, you should definitely be nicer.

 

Judge not and all that jazz.

[Turtles]

You know, I am not disagreeing that it would probably be better to divorce. But you just don't know the reasons for not divorcing. And you don't know what either partner is not getting from the marriage. BTW, I live in a place where society says you can't have more than one wife... and they are ALL OVER THE PLACE, and people just accept it as life. They are not lying to the spouse, that's true, but society still says no, so does the law, and nobody is EVER prosecuted, or persecuted. So, this is YOUR moral stance. It may not be hers, or his, or mine.

 

I was single when I became involved with my boyfriend, I didn't deceive anyone. And he only omitted. When it came out, the marriage was over. But that is JUST US. It certainly is not that way for everyone, and it is not your job to rip them to shreds if they choose that for their life. Even if you disagree, you could be just a bit nicer, don't you think? I mean, with your high moral standing, you should definitely be nicer.

 

Judge not and all that jazz.

 

I'm not accusing or judging you in any way shape of form. Actually I don't know your story at all, nor the OP's.

 

I am referring only to the initial comment, "I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong".

 

That's a cop out. Whether or not "society" says so is irrelevant. Lying and breaking promises, that's not just breaking society's rules, it's lack of honor. It's a basic human quality which exists independently of society.

[TaraMaiden]

You know, I am not disagreeing that it would probably be better to divorce. But you just don't know the reasons for not divorcing.

Insofar as the OP is concerned, actually, we do:

 

I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know..... H and I have a history and a bond of friendship and parents, OM and I share a bond of lovers and friends. I just wish I could keep both of them.

 

And you don't know what either partner is not getting from the marriage.

Well, we know, above, what the OP is getting from her marriage. My gripe is that her H. is blissfully unaware of this.

He has a right to make an informed decision. Doesn't he?

 

BTW, I live in a place where society says you can't have more than one wife... and they are ALL OVER THE PLACE, and people just accept it as life. They are not lying to the spouse, that's true, but society still says no, so does the law, and nobody is EVER prosecuted, or persecuted. So, this is YOUR moral stance. It may not be hers, or his, or mine.

I grant you different cultures - cultures, not societies - have different stances on all manner of things - ages of consent, matrimony, property, divorce, work.... but we live where we live. If we want to do something different, and have it considered acceptable, then we must cut our cloth accordingly.

I was single when I became involved with my boyfriend, I didn't deceive anyone. And he only omitted. When it came out, the marriage was over. But that is JUST US. It certainly is not that way for everyone, and it is not your job to rip them to shreds if they choose that for their life.

 

Everyone has their story to tell, and everyone has a life to lead.

But if you decide to reveal what you decide to reveal, then you have to accept the cut and thrust of the discussion. I personally have ripped nobody to shreds. But I have disputed comments made, and stated my dispute, and the reasons behind it.

 

 

 

Judge not and all that jazz.

By virtue of the fact that what they are doing is a justification for divorce under marital laws, a certain amount of judgement is to be expected.

 

To return to the topic, I'll say it again, yes I'm happy. This morning we were just talking about the cruise we took last year and trying to decide what we should do this year. I think we're just going to find a nice beach stateside and spend some time there. Not feeling as secure about crusing as I have in the past with the recent cruise ship incidents!

 

It will be fine, providing you sleep on deck and wear a life belt AT ALL TIMES!!

[William]

Members, let's focus on this, which is contained in the starting posting, mindful of the thread topic:

 

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

 

Week 3 LC (a few texts only, had one yesterday and couldn't believe the way the happiness flooded my soul. Just knowing he was thinking of me).

 

It appears this member is seeking advice from other members in affairs and relevant to their decision to limit contact even though they felt 'happy' when in their affair.

 

Please limit cross-talk and discussion of other members and/or their situations and focus on the thread starter and their topic. Thanks. This thread has been edited.

Edited April 17, 2013 by William

[Turtles]

I don't think you should give him up, if your marriage is dead and he makes you happy, especially not just because society tells you so. I think you need to be honest. That's basic human decency.

 

FYI, without going into details (I don't have much time now), know that I can relate to your situation based on my first-hand experience, so I am not just perched on my ivory tower telling you this.

[SweetiePie12]

One thing i miss (ok the main thing) is the sex, im surprised i didnt kill the old man actually but I know for sure he was overwhelmed with the sex he received and was almost ashamed to admit he had never been as adventurous as we were.

 

LOL, I wear mine out, too, hahahahaha!

 

The crap thing about good sex though is you go back for more and before long you realise your in love with this person and cant/wont ler go.

 

You said it!

[AnotherRound]

I think that, at the end of the day, you have to be okay with the decisions that you have made. If you are happy - and you truly believe that nobody is being hurt by your actions - why change it? Are you afraid that if it came out that people would be hurt? And if so, can you live with that?

 

It's all about weighing it out. You can go through life making sure other people are happy - but I can almost guarantee you that they are NOT doing the same for you. People seek happiness for themselves - and sometimes, that costs someone else something. Does this mean that we all just stop seeking happiness? Or, does it mean that we seek as much happiness as possible with as little harm as possible? I believe the latter - and I don't take responsibility for things that I have no control over (someone else's happiness).

 

Society doesn't disagree with affairs - SOME of society disagrees - they are just really loud about it. It makes them sound bigger in number than they really are - it's an old tactic (used a lot by certain religious groups, think Westboro) used to pretend they have the moral high ground and bully others into believing that they make the decisions for all people. They don't - they make their own decisions, and then kick and scream about everyone else's decisions - very loudly.

 

You should read my thread about telling others about being an AP. I think that you will find it is not as unacceptable as some would like it to be, or portray it to be. There are many people in this world that are very understanding of the human condition, the lack in relationships, and the ways that people try their best to be happy in this world.

 

Some people are apparently traumatized by their partner having an affair - I have no idea if the others in your situation would be, but if they would be (if that is even known to you, that they maybe would feel traumatized if they found out) - then I would proceed with caution. In my case, the now exW knew and was not traumatized - so, no harm no foul. If your case is different, I would definitely consider that - but again, you have to make your own choices and live with them, nobody else.

 

Good luck - and as other posters said - don't take the beatings too personal. Sometimes people just really lack communication and coping skills and they know no other way to "cope" - be kind to them, and gentle - their issue is not your issue.

[MEJ76]

We set the rules in the beginning and my affair works for me. I would love more time with him, there never seems to be enough but besides that were perfect together.

 

We are both married

 

Both plan on staying married

 

There have never been false promises

 

We've been honest about our home relationships (no w of H bashing)

 

He's my friend and lover for more then 2 years (He and I both would be content to have this continue for many many more years as it is)

 

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

 

Week 3 LC (a few texts only, had one yesterday and couldn't believe the way the happiness flooded my soul. Just knowing he was thinking of me).

 

Oh, I am sorry that you are hurting ...

I replied to another thread of yours, but I think it bears repeating as I can offer the perspective of both a married OW (now former OW, still married ), and a pregnant woman.

 

In spite of the wrongdoing we Waywards engage in, you are making steps to right things for your OM's growing family. I know the pain of stepping away ... You can do this though. That baby needs his mother to have his daddy's100% attention and focus. Has she had the baby yet? I believe that you believe you are really truly doing the right thing here for your OM. And you are, in my humble opinion.

 

If it is meant to be, you will reunite some day. In the meantime, hang in there.

 

As a sidenote, ending things with my OM and reconciling with my husband has been the most amazing gift. I wish you peace.

[BetrayedH]

I would love to hear an answer about why the H does not also deserve an opportunity to be happy. Why can he not also make an informed decision? Why must he be lied to and forced to keep up his end of the bargain when you are disregarding yours?

[So happy together]

Would this be ok if your husband did the same thing? Would you be open to an open marriage, where everyone knew exactly what was going on? Or are you a cake eater?

 

I am not married and I've never had someone have an affair when I was with them. But if I was making them unhappy, and could not give them what they needed, wanted and deserved, how could I possibly blame them?

[GorillaTheater]

I am not married and I've never had someone have an affair when I was with them. But if I was making them unhappy, and could not give them what they needed, wanted and deserved, how could I possibly blame them?

 

I guess it depends on whether you've (hypothetically) told your spouse that he/she was making you unhappy, and not giving you what they needed, wanted and deserved.

[Toddbt12y1]

I am not married and I've never had someone have an affair when I was with them. But if I was making them unhappy, and could not give them what they needed, wanted and deserved, how could I possibly blame them?

 

But you could just as easily leave the relationship, if it isn't making you happy.

 

OP. In the end, it is your choice. Not ours. If this OM makes you happy, and you deeply care about him...continue on it? Actually, you are being smart, realizing that he has a growing family, and willing to step aside for that.

 

You should continue to do that. To step aside, if it's what you've chosen. If not...you can still have him. Point is...it is your choice.

[TaraMaiden]

We set the rules in the beginning and my affair works for me. I would love more time with him, there never seems to be enough but besides that were perfect together.

 

We are both married

 

Both plan on staying married

 

There have never been false promises

 

We've been honest about our home relationships (no w of H bashing)

 

He's my friend and lover for more then 2 years (He and I both would be content to have this continue for many many more years as it is)

 

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

 

Week 3 LC (a few texts only, had one yesterday and couldn't believe the way the happiness flooded my soul. Just knowing he was thinking of me).

Ok, let's look at this from a different angle:

 

OP:

You claim your affair is making you happy, and yet....

 

....And yet.......you know it's not ideal.

 

You state that you wish you could have the best of both worlds (ie, your lover AND your husband.) In fact, you allude to this twice.

 

You further comment that you are 'giving him up'because of society's opinions on affairs.

Okay, well, the opinions have been aired in this thread; what's more, it has been pointed out that you cannot sever yourself from the society in which you dwell, because you are an intrinsic part of that society.

 

When you live within a specific social group, certain standards, mores, preferences, morals, apply.

 

That said, any decisions you make about your behaviour, have to be based on what you believe to be right. A truly satisfactory existence cannot be achieved by trying to do what others want you to do.

 

You need to find the level of your own happiness, based on your own principles, and live by them, or else always find yourself yearning for something other than what you have....

 

So what it comes down to, is a matter of choices:

 

Continue contact with your OM, and confess everything to your husband, with the intention of leaving him, and let him make his own decisions with regard to his own future;

Cease all contact with your OM, confess everything to your husband, with the intention of staying with him - and let him make his own decision with regard to your (joint) future;

 

Both of the above, irrespective of what your lover wants to do about his own relationship.

 

Continue seeing your lover, and suggest to your H. you both enjoy open relationships;

Continue seeing your lover, but maintain silence and secrecy.

 

These are your choices.

I can't really see any others, but black and white, I think you have to be decisive and re-evaluate your happiness level.

Because this happiness is transitory, and will eventually lead to sadness; yours or your husband's.

Probably both.

[So happy together]

I guess it depends on whether you've (hypothetically) told your spouse that he/she was making you unhappy, and not giving you what they needed, wanted and deserved.

 

Well (this is JUST me) my boyfriends stbxw is a drunk who refused help, who refused AA, who refused therapy, couples counseling, etc. She often passed out in the bathroom after having drunk herself into a stupor. He stayed to raise his daughter because if he left he was worried the influence the wife would have. So, his daughter is raised and gone. We had an affair for about 14 months before he left. He's been gone four months and is happier than he has ever been. I posted this in another thread and was then flogged because clearly my boyfriend is a screw up for staying with a drunk to raise his daughter. No matter what the reason, I'll be told what he did was wrong.

 

We're happy. We're building a life. We'll be just fine.

[GorillaTheater]

Well (this is JUST me) my boyfriends stbxw is a drunk who refused help, who refused AA, who refused therapy, couples counseling, etc. She often passed out in the bathroom after having drunk herself into a stupor. He stayed to raise his daughter because if he left he was worried the influence the wife would have. So, his daughter is raised and gone. We had an affair for about 14 months before he left. He's been gone four months and is happier than he has ever been. I posted this in another thread and was then flogged because clearly my boyfriend is a screw up for staying with a drunk to raise his daughter. No matter what the reason, I'll be told what he did was wrong.

 

We're happy. We're building a life. We'll be just fine.

 

Well, it's pretty tough for me to get too worked up over that scenario, but I was thinking of the OP, not necessarily you, despite the fact that it was your post I was responding to. In fact, the OP seems to have bailed on this thread.

[So happy together]

Well, I appreciate that. But my point is... we don't know what goes on in these relationships, even when people tell us as much as they can. We still can't see the entire dynamic, so we should try to be a little kinder. That's all.

[SweetiePie12]

I am not married and I've never had someone have an affair when I was with them. But if I was making them unhappy, and could not give them what they needed, wanted and deserved, how could I possibly blame them?

 

It is so true. The BS is in fact part of the blame. If you know for a fact that something is awry (because you feel it in your gut), and that you are deeply in denial plus burying your head in the sand, why blame others?

[SweetiePie12]

I guess it depends on whether you've (hypothetically) told your spouse that he/she was making you unhappy, and not giving you what they needed, wanted and deserved.

 

And must this be said with words? Aren't energy/vibes indicative of much?

[GorillaTheater]

And must this be said with words? Aren't energy/vibes indicative of much?

 

Nope. Nor is twirling.

[SweetiePie12]

Never been happier in a relationship. We've had seven great years and are looking forward to more.

 

Wonderful!!

[Turtles]

I would love to hear an answer about why the H does not also deserve an opportunity to be happy. Why can he not also make an informed decision? Why must he be lied to and forced to keep up his end of the bargain when you are disregarding yours?

 

All that, but don't just do it for your husband - yes, he deserves to know, etc, but we humans are essentially selfish creatures, so you need your own motivations...

 

So do it for yourself. Do it so you can say you are a honest, honorable and fair person. Have pride in yourself.

 

Then continue your affair, if it makes you this happy? Nothing stops you from telling your husband "Dude, I'm going to get me some strange, if you don't like it, pack your bags and get out". Everybody thinks adultery is a big deal legally but in most places and situations it just isn't. It's not the easy path, because it's true that society will call you a whore, sorry - not my opinion, just the way it is. But you will know that you are not a liar.