Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[Poppy fields]

I do understand this. But I do not want to push myself into her world until she wants it. I am giving her time. I want she and her father on solid ground first.

 

What bothers me more than anything is that she is drinking more and more (the daughter). I would just hate to see her turn out like her mother. My BF took her to dinner last weekend and she drank two sampler platters of beer (six, eight ounce beers on each one, and then had five martinis.

 

J wrote it off as her being upset as they were talking about the divorce. But she had a hangover already from the night before. It worries me for her.

 

She likely knew exactly what she was doing by drinking that much in front of her father. She was probably trying to hurt him the same way she feels she is being hurt. This was the one thing she knew she could do that would truly hurt and worry him.

 

She is at great risk for developing a drinking problem. I hope she gets help.

[So happy together]

sohappy wrote, " Really? What is it that you think you get?"

 

It doesn't matter what I think as you found " a man" & " feel better."

 

How else am I to "take it"?

Did you mean something different than what you wrote?

 

 

I was actually talking about getting laid, and taking out some of that energy on something positive. I was single for four years after my divorce. I know how to be on my own and be perfectly happy and content. But I am happy when I'm with him. Would you prefer I was mediocre? I can't believe after that loooong post, you picked THAT to comment on.

[AnotherRound]

While I understand what you are saying, and mostly agree, I feel that a couple of months to adjust to her father having someone new in her life is okay before we begin pushing her into counseling. If she'd go, I think that would be great. I don't know if she would, but of course my BF will try. We do have a plan for her, would definitely not exclude her ever, and will do all that we can to make things easier and help her to be independent and not follow in her mother's footsteps. She is almost 25, so forcing her to do anything would just alienate her further.

 

His daughter is an adult and needs to make her own decisions. I don't understand all the posters saying that she needs to be "forced" to do anything. We cannot control other adults - and for me the question would be, why would anyone want to????

[So happy together]

I think what people prefer is you took up your happiness AFTER HIS divorce so that infidelity was not thrown into the pile.

 

Perhaps, but it's not their decision to make.

[So happy together]

With all due respect. I see you comment about your Mom's relationship with his daughter as an "important one". Call me the moral police but I think its more than just important: it THE one. Its the fundamental job of his life to ensure that kid is happy and healthy, it doesn't become less important than his relationship with you.

 

And that's part of why people critique affairs, because the health of children get put on the back burner to the parent's so called happiness. It raises an eyebrow for people who derive happiness from being successful parents before being partners...

 

My kids come before ANYONE, I wouldn't hurt them for ANY human being, including my own "wants" but that's because my MOST important want is to see then live long healthy happy productive lives.

 

As I've said, she's twenty five years old. Do you really think he should live a lonely life so that his adult daughter will be happier? That makes no sense. He's raised her, he's done his duty to her. He is still her father and is there for her at every turn. That does not mean that he should live his life alone and lonely so that she is not a little uncomfortable.

 

She lives with her boyfriend almost an hour away. She has a life. She works, she's in school. She has friends, a boyfriend. She isn't a twelve year old.

[Decorative]

She may be chronologically 25, but as you witnessed from your interactions with her so far, you know she's struggling.

 

As a parent yourself, you need to sit back and think about how big of a job this is. I know you get it. You have to. You have kids.

 

Yes- your MM deserves to be happy. But not at the expense of other people, and not piggybacked off choices he made for years that contributed to her pain.

[So happy together]

The only thing to do now is to move forward and try to help his daughter. I'm not going anywhere. It won't take the pain away if I do. And I won't leave him to deal with this on his own, either.

 

We're doing all we can. The more open she is with her feelings, the better we'll all be. He has brought up therapy a number of times. She refuses. Hopefully that will change soon. He's been in therapy for a while.

[Decorative]

The only thing to do now is to move forward and try to help his daughter. I'm not going anywhere. It won't take the pain away if I do. And I won't leave him to deal with this on his own, either.

 

We're doing all we can. The more open she is with her feelings, the better we'll all be. He has brought up therapy a number of times. She refuses. Hopefully that will change soon. He's been in therapy for a while.

 

I didn't tell you to leave in my last post. You seem to reject that repeatedly.

 

Although- I think for your sake? You would be much better off leaving him to figure this out, and himself, and then begin a relationship.

 

But I have said that multiple times. I suspect as time passes you are going to find out there is a giant amount of dysfunction in your MM, and in the connections to his family.

 

I worry about your future.

[White Flower]

You're welcome?

 

A married OW's situation is by its nature different from a single OW, re causing hurt to a BS. This is not debatable. A married OW has a spouse at home she is betraying, a single OW does not. Whether you can relate or not was never the issue.

 

But I do not believe this will amount to anything productive, so I accept your gratitude and gracefully move on.

 

Wow, I take a three hour break and the thread grows 2 pages.

 

Miss Bee, of course what you state is not debatable but that was not really the point. What causes so many misunderstandings on this forum is the assumption that we haven't read up on other OW (or anyone) and the fact that though we may be SOW now we may not have been the entire duration of our affair. As I have stated many times on many threads, I have a pretty well-rounded experience from most or all perspectives and don't need to be reminded of another's variance or facet.

[AnotherRound]

Your BF is enabling his daughter to drink like an alchoholic.

 

She is 25 years old - how do you suggest he stop her from doing as she wants and is legally able? Disowning her? Walking out and abandoning her?

 

This is the type of "force" I was talking about. That adults think it is their right, their job even, to order other adults to do things a certain way. I cannot imagine living like that, it HAS to be exhausting to be so concerned about what every other adult is doing.

 

This is not life threatening to his daughter, it will negatively affect her quality of life perhaps, but that IS her choice.

 

I disagree that he is enabling her. He didn't buy her the drinks, he just did what any adult should have done - minded his own business and saved his judgment for himself. I would cease to hang around anyone, parent or not, that felt that they needed to tell me how to live my life or make my decisions - especially considering my decisions aren't negatively affecting them at all. Sure, he can be sad for his daughter and her choices, but he does not own her, nor her choices and decisions - and, like WF said, she is NOT 12 years old.

[White Flower]

You've never noticed threads and seen known BS's in there encouraging divorce?

 

To other BS, yes. But we are talking about the OM/OW forum.

[MissBee]

I understood your analogy and found it overblown, overly simplistic, and naive. Sorry. That was sort of my point with the dog analogy. If you want to view it my way, it is like two puppies, (BS, OW) one treats you well, the other is a brat who makes your life unhappy. Which one are you going to want to 'pet'?

 

I think likening an affair to drinking and getting behind the wheel, showing irresponsible behavior, is ridiculous. I don't think MY behavior was irresponsible or immature. I think we were two people who needed one another, and now we're happy. I also think his ex made him miserable. Now, my boyfriend is free and has given his stbxw the ability to find someone who will make her happy instead of being stuck with someone who wants to do more than be drunk on the couch. Or, since he is allergic, now she can buy thirty cats. I don't care which.

 

Your analogy has nothing to do with what I was talking about.

 

You are hung up on the BS/OW comparison/competition/drama and proving how much better you were for your boyfriend than the BS. You are making an analogy about that. I was not. I was discussing emotional maturity and how that plays out in the concept of what people consider fun. Also, this discussion was NEVER about you, so I am uncertain how you justifying your specific situation relates to me addressing Mycat's point about fun as a married OW in her situation.

 

Please address the effectiveness of the analogy on that point, which it was being used for, and not on the point you're caught up with, which I wasn't at all addressing.

 

My point and analogy still stands: emotionally immature people may engage in "fun activities" but do not readily see the consequences to themselves and others behind the self-gratification of the moment. I think if you're married especially and having an affair on the grounds of fun, then that's what is simplistic and emotionally immature.

[So happy together]

Your BF is enabling his daughter to drink like an alchoholic.

 

I disagree. I will say, he knows she drinks on occasion with her friends etc. She's a 25 year old girl who is out being young. But what she did the other night with my bf was truly shocking to him, he had one beer. He was not quite sure how to handle it. After we discussed it, the next evening he called her and told her that he had a great time and would love to do it again, but that she had to be sober, that her being blitzed was no fun for him, and she wouldn't remember anything they'd discussed etc. She agreed.

 

As for forcing his daughter to do anything... I don't think anyone is trying to get me to force anything. I think it's just concern for her, and that is okay. We are concerned as well. I just know that I can't make her do anything she isn't ready to do. So, we wait.

 

 

Thanks all.

[eleanorrigby]

Your BF is enabling his daughter to drink like an alchoholic.

 

Five martinis and six beers? She's already an alcoholic. She has to be drinking pretty regularly to be able to drink that much in one sitting.

[Decorative]

To other BS, yes. But we are talking about the OM/OW forum.

 

I know that happens on the OW/OM forum- from betrayed as well.

 

I can think of at least six waywards I have specifically suggested that they consider divorce.

 

And I am far from alone.

[So happy together]

Five martinis and six beers? She's already an alcoholic. She has to be drinking pretty regularly to be able to drink that much in one sitting.

 

No, she had TWO sampler platters. TWELVE beers. in about a three hour period. And I agree. What I am saying is that she isn't living at home and he doesn't see her often because she is in school etc. and didn't realize she could drink that much. It worries him a lot. He's spoken with her about it. I don't know if it will help or not. Sorry about the T/J

[White Flower]

She would be better off without him. He hasn't worked in four years, the unemployment he gets comes straight to me. He doesn't cook, clean nor have any kind of maintainence skills. So she has to care for him like a baby while he plays video games all day. And if she dares to get resentful and say something he starts calling her a string of names (my seven year old son told me: "dad called her a stupid broad, a dumb c*nt, and an ugly n*gger). I find it irony that I had to call him saying my son would not be coming over do long as he abused women in front of him. I hate that "woman", and I know she deserves what she gets because I seen what kind of selfish gross person she is. But I'm raising a son and I do NOT want him to learn this kind of behavior. So oddly enough despite what she did to me I'm helping to protect her now by putting the ex on a leash because apparently she STILL can't get him to respect her and she's too dense to leave

 

My son Hasn't went there for two months now...

FWIW I'm glad you're no longer with a man who uses the C word, that's just so repulsive. I'm sure you deserve better.

[White Flower]

Oh wow, now you've upped the ante. The trauma of an affair and insta-step mom is added on top of the trauma of living with a drunk for 20 years.

 

Her head may be spinning for years as she decides which parent to side with; dad who raised her and saved her from the drunk, or mom the drunk who's looking pretty pathetic right now and "how can I abandon (live my life) her now after what dad did?"

 

Granted this dynamic is one I imagine would play out anyway in a divorce, based on what you've written about the family.

 

But now, the affair added tons of nasty layers on top that everyone is going to have to deal with now.

 

He could have had a clean getaway. (or as clean as you can get with a crazy drunk). Affairs are a a lot more serious then puppies.

 

IMO, you don't tug on Supermans cape, you don't spit in the wind, and you don't go making an unstable drunk into a divorcee and a betrayed wife.

 

"Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night"

Drunks dig their own graves. To think the spouse is responsible for her is to believe codependency is healthy. It's not.

[eleanorrigby]

Drunks dig their own graves. To think the spouse is responsible for her is to believe codependency is healthy. It's not.

 

He was responsible for getting his daughter out of that mess, and not adding extra trauma and confusion to her already traumatic and confused life.

His happiness could have waited till a divorce was complete.

[So happy together]

He was responsible for getting his daughter out of that mess, and not adding extra trauma and confusion to her already traumatic and confused life.

His happiness could have waited till a divorce was complete.

 

Just so we're clear, we met 18 years ago. We waited until she was grown and gone. It was long enough.

[Decorative]

Just so we're clear, we met 18 years ago. We waited until she was grown and gone. It was long enough.

 

Gently... If you waited 18 years- why didn't he divorce first?

[Journee]

Drunks dig their own graves. noQUOTE]

 

 

Yes, quite literally. My oldest sister died 30 days shy of turning 30. She was an alcoholic and a diabetic. Whiskey and insulin dependence do not mix well.

[White Flower]

This is laughable. For my two year tenure here, I've never heard other OW/FOW regarded this way by fellow Ow/FOW. It's actually hilarious that just because FOW (I don't relate to ROW) might disagree with you and your beliefs, that it's because we didn't get our man. PULEEZ! Nice stretch. I can tell you this though, there is no way in hell I would have settled or been a part of 19 Ddays. Never would have happened, as there are certainly plenty of other men who would dispense less drama. But hey, that makes YOU happy. I've never once said, "hey WF, you're an idiot for putting up with that crap", nope, never once. You know why? Cause you are apparently happy, willing to continue, or not, for dday 20 or beyond. But... Had you come here and said, I've been in an affair with a MM for x number of years, with multiple ddays, he continually strings me along, I'm unhappy, I hate myself, please help me, please tell me what to do; I would do just that. And it wouldn't necessarily involve a hand holding/kumbaya moment.

 

But hey, if you feel the need to include me in the "bitter" group, I could really care less. My life is very full, and very happy. I'm glad I'm no longer on the affair fun bus. I'm happy to be with a man that can take me out in public, who doesn't have to keep me his little secret, who gives me all of him instead of the little snippets of time that are so typical of "most" affairs.

 

And I, will continue to give advice the way I see fit, just as you do.

 

Peace.

I never said there was a "Bitter club" nor did I say you were in it. I also stated that while I am aware of 19 Ddays I was not affected by many of them. The only one who really gets "abused" on Dday is the one being lied to. Some may say I was thrown under the bus but since he keeps yearning for me, SBW is constantly looking over her shoulder, and I'm the one calling the shots, I don't call it a bus accident. And yeah, life is pretty full for me too.

 

 

and, like WF said, she is NOT 12 years old.

Thanks, but I think Happy said it:

As I've said, she's twenty five years old. She isn't a twelve year old.

[White Flower]

 

 

Yes, quite literally. My oldest sister died 30 days shy of turning 30. She was an alcoholic and a diabetic. Whiskey and insulin dependence do not mix well.

Sorry to hear that Journee, my brother died of cirrhosis of the liver on his 35th birthday due to alcohol abuse.

Edited April 22, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[AnotherRound]

Sorry to hear that Journee, my brother died of cirrhosis of the liver on his 35th birthday due to alcohol.

 

I can't like these posts, they are so very sad.

 

But, I also know that this is true. We can't live other people's lives for them - they have to choose their own paths, no matter how upsetting it is to us.

 

I have a friend that has a son who just turned 21. His son has a terminal illness that he refuses to treat. His son is young, and believes himself invincible - he is not, obviously. He has treatments available that could prolong his life by 30 or 40 years -yet he refuses to do them bc they are time consuming. At the rate he is going, he will not live past 23 most likely.

 

Is it sad? Yes, heartbreakingly so. But he is an adult at 21 years old. Other than sitting on top of him and forcing him to take the treatments - what can anyone do? We have all expressed ourselves to him - his parents have begged him to do the treatments - he does them for a day or two, then stops again - and then spends weeks in the hospital close to death.

 

You just cannot force other people to do or not do anything. It is this 21 year old's life - whether any of us like it or not. These are his choices - and he has to make them himself. For me, I said my piece to him - and I leave it at that. I wish I could live his life for him for a minute, and take the damn treatments - they seem like such a simple fix to me - but I can't.

 

So, I practice radical acceptance of the things I cannot control. It's tough to do, but anything other than doing so is just a waste of time and energy - bc at the end of the day, nobody does anything that they don't WANT to do.