Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[MissBee]

It just really occurs to me that everyone is upset because we are happy. Sorry you're not. We are living our lives in a way that makes us the happiest we can be. You are not the morality police. I'm sure you do all kinds of things of which I would not approve. But I wouldn't beat you up about it. I find it pathetic that people come here for advice and you wait for them to post, then come in and pick them apart. I posted here a couple of times when I was first in my affair and was flogged. It was so terrible. Thankfully I found a place where there is support for whatever decision I chose. I'm stronger now, and I'm not afraid of those who would bully me.

 

And the harlot thing? Completely out of line. I can think of a million things to call people, and I don't. It shows weakness that you must stoop that low.

 

And if she feels it is 'society' pressuring her, so be it. You've not got the right to tell her it is not society. We ALL know affairs are not generally accepted in society.

 

 

Really?

 

The truth of the matter for me is I have no personal investment in anyone's situation here. There are a couple people I feel close to and speak to away from the forum, where I do care more, but for most people I am not terribly invested in their unhappiness or happiness.

 

We have a right to say whatever we want to say, just like you have the right to tell us to not say it to her....

 

I will never take seriously those who toss around the term bullying or blame society for their choices. Do what you do. I was an OW too, I didn't blame society for my choice or think those who disagreed with me or pointed out flawed thinking were bullies. If that is bullying, one should probably avoid affairs, as they often come with lots of negatives and will constantly put you in a position to feel "bullied" simply because most of society doesn't agree. This mentality is very bizarre to me...that you're havign an affair but are so sensitive and easily slighted by everything and eevrything is because you are being oppressed by society and you can't be with your soulmate and you're being bullied...it's nonsense IMO and I deal with too many issues that are actually nto created by the people themselves and are REAL societal injuustices to take seriously someone choosing to be in a secret A and being mad that people critique their choice.

 

If you want to be happy in your A: acquire a thick skin and avoid talking about it all the time on a public forum. That's what worked for me.

[WhoreyBull]

I'm just wondering if anyone here is in a long term; post affair relationship with the "other" with no added thrill of additional affairs? I personally think it'd be pretty easy to have a relationship with someone who is married to someone else for 7 years... I wouldn't need to deal with the marriage! With reality!

That's why I am only in open relationships now.

 

It just seems to me affairs are fine if they are continued alongside another relationship but not so much when trying to translate them into an actual relationship. One can have multiple relationships at the same time with all parties involved aware of each other. So, once again, we are back to "society" only being against the lying.

Edited April 17, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[TheOW]

You mean you spent 7 years in an affair and are looking forward to many years in a relationship together.

I'm just wondering if anyone here is in a long term; post affair relationship with the "other" with no added thrill of additional affairs?

For data purposes.

 

Personally if we hadnt been caught i doubt that the A could last much longer (was just over a year) we were becoming too jealous and things were starting to become complicated ie if he was meeting me somewhere and had to cancel he knew i would be furious and he started to panic about my reaction.

 

It was coming to a head we were in too deep and couldnt continue as we were, we would have either had to attempt another NC (which would not have worked) become a "real" item (he wouldnt leave his family) or be caught (which happened)

 

7 years ? i doubt i could have lasted another few months with the intensity another year of it and im pretty sure i would be in a phych ward.

[WhoreyBull]

7 years ? i doubt i could have lasted another few months with the intensity another year of it and im pretty sure i would be in a phych ward.

Well this is what I mean. Years of being ok with lying to others makes me think of someone who is ok with lying to themselves. It strikes me as behavior coming from the sort of person who would enjoy having an affair for the thrill of sneaking around. I never understand why one affair is enough.

That's the thing... Many are ok with being the "other", but what about the "other other"? Why do people think that lying together means you can't be lying to each other. What about when you become and item and then he finds another other?

As someone who has done a lot of lying to myself, I've learned there are certain phrases in life where if you have to say them, you probably don't mean them

One is "I don't have a problem", another is "I am/we are happy".

I think affairs are generally looked down upon by ""society" because they involve a lot of 1) lying to others and 2)lying to oneself. An indefinite affair with no plan of revealing it to the wife/husband, that's a lifelong lie. Having an affair with someone you want to be an item with, that's a lie until they get a divorce.

I feel the same way about threads about statutory rape between couples (i.e 15 & 18). In my opinion if you really cared, you could wait.

Not being able to control oneself holds no charm for me.

Edited April 17, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[TaraMaiden]

It is so true. The BS is in fact part of the blame. If you know for a fact that something is awry (because you feel it in your gut), and that you are deeply in denial plus burying your head in the sand, why blame others?

 

Because the AP is to blame. The BS bears responsibility.

The difference is there.

Permit me to explain:

 

A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle...

 

Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional.

And when a partner has an affair, that is their action to be blamed for. Not the BS.

An AP has to consciously commit to betraying their spouse and having sex with a third party. it is a deliberate act of sabotage, and undermines the already tenuous grip both they and the BS have on the relationship.

While Responsibility means they must both bear the duty of working to keep the relationship buoyant, Blame is like a hand-turned drill, deliberately boring a hole to sink the vessel.

And one person alone, is to blame for that.

 

You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship.

You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong.

 

Remember:

"Finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

 

The problem becomes doubly complicated when one partner - rather than addressing issues head on and seeking to redress the balance, decides instead to seek personal gratification and satisfaction in the arms of a third party.

That can really put the kibosh on things - and only one party can - and should - carry the can for that.

 

And must this be said with words? Aren't energy/vibes indicative of much?

 

Unless you have developed super-human telepathic powers then yes. - absolutely it is essential it is said with words.

Because effective Communication is one of the three tripod legs which sustains a successful relationship (the other two being Trust and Respect).

 

If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair...

 

Trust is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette;

Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece...

 

Trust is exactly like that.

Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.

 

However, with regard to the OP's relationship with her H, I am of the opinion that all three are pretty much non-existent.....

 

And it does rather seem, as GorillaTheater commented, that the OP has 'bailed'.....

Therefore, although the thread has proceeded according to the Moderator's guidance, it currently seems as though it may have run its course.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Yes I do believe that the social views influence what we believe is acceptable. As the post related to with 19 ddays - isn't she in effect "accepting" the relationship?

 

I never claimed a hypocritical santimonious standard that my H or his W would approve our relationship, I only stated we make each other happy. Perhaps there will be a day were relationships will be more open as it appears that affairs and cheating are not going away. If it were socially acceptable more people would be willing to discuss this with their partners and explore other types of relationships. We do care "what the neighbors think" , this influences our own thoughts and behaviors. society.

 

My post was about having a good affair. I've enjoyed it. You may not want to know a person can have an enjoyable affair but as a BS you will never cut through all the bs from your spouse. Affairs are fun. They fill a need, a void. This is not blaming the spouse, it's revealing a truth. I loved my affair. He gave me many moments have happiness, many wonderful memories, I don't regret it. I did;nt end it because I wanted to, I did because I love him and I wanted what was best for him. His wife and family. She gives him something I never will, but I also gave him wonderful memories.

Edited April 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sweet_pea]

Simple question(s) to better understand your viewpoint:

 

Do you think it is ok to get your happiness at the expense of someone else?

 

Why or why not?

 

Would you be ok if your H was doing this to you, especially if it made him happy? Why or why not?

 

Extra question:

 

Why is it wrong for posters to come here and "blast" other posters? Going by the logic in the thread, if it makes them (to blast posters) happy....

[Athens]

My husbands OW swore up and down that all she wanted out of the affair is what they had and could walk away when needed to. Well, nope, she is a disaster, making a fool of herself and surely miserable, I am betting she is not happy with her decisions now. Something to think about, are you ready to eat your words and walk away clean if that's what you agreed to or will this happiness you feel be nothing compared to the pain and humiliation you are setting yourself up for?

Edited April 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Athens]

Replace affair with other things that harm others like speeding, drunk driving, second hand smoke and then decide where your right to do as you please ends and the rights of others, especially the innocent begin. In a civil society we keep ourselves in check through a moral code. Don't like it, too bad, it's preferable to the chaos you propose.

[TheOW]

Just my thoughts, tainted by yet another intrusion by the OW in which she making an idiot of herself. You may be happy now, but what about when DDay hits and he goes back to his wife. Will you be happy then or will you become a blubbering mess, full of regret and hurt. My husbands OW swore up and down that all she wanted out of the affair is what they had and could walk away when needed to. Well, nope, she is a disaster, making a fool of herself and surely miserable, I am betting she is not happy with her decisions now. Something to think about, are you ready to eat your words and walk away clean if that's what you agreed to or will this happiness you feel be nothing compared to the pain and humiliation you are setting yourself up for?

 

Is this in reference to me may I ask ? I'm sorry but "the OW" being my user name confused me whether you were talking about me or OW in general.

[Turtles]

Is the fact that society would label you a harlot your main reason for not coming clean to your husband? Why do you let shallow people judge you? Grow some balls, woman! Lol.

 

Seriously, I don't know where you live, but I am glad I am not there, because it sure is different here, where people are looked up to for owning up to their actions and standing true to their word. And if someone is going to look me down for the way I live, so be it. And if they want to pass judgement on me, I say to them, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I am proud of who I am, and though I have done things I regret in the past (lying to my now ex-wife being one of the biggest ones) they don't define me. And yes, it's in the USA. By the way half of my immediate family lives in France and things are not that different there - a politician might not get crucified for his personal life the way he would in this country, but people are people, and lies are lies, wherever you go.

[Athens]

No, not about you in particular, but the you in general, the OWs that think they got a handle on this kind of thing. Our OW was good to go for a bit after DDay, being all big girl about it and then totally fell apart and has been a miserable mess and pain in our butts ever since. I would feel sorry for her, but she has crossed the line too many times and exhausted my good nature. She is suffering and though it makes me look and feel bad to say this, good...hopefully she will think twice before doing this again.

[TheOW]

No, not about you in particular, but the you in general, the OWs that think they got a handle on this kind of thing. Our OW was good to go for a bit after DDay, being all big girl about it and then totally fell apart and has been a miserable mess and pain in our butts ever since. I would feel sorry for her, but she has crossed the line too many times and exhausted my good nature. She is suffering and though it makes me look and feel bad to say this, good...hopefully she will think twice before doing this again.

 

Thanks for clearing that up

 

In my case though it was the BS who went crazy stalker nuts, and I was the big girl and took it on the chin. I feel as you do about BS she crossed the line one too many times and if she crosses it again she will be sorry I've put up with enough crap and took all the blame ... No more, this is as far as my remorse goes.

 

I screwed up and fell in love with someone I shouldn't have but I did and that can't be changed. we now all have to live with the consequences whether we like it or not. It happened and a million apologies is not going to change that.

 

Everybody's situation is different

[Praying4Peace]

No I was not happy with the A. Neither was he. It made both of us want to leave our marriages and break up our homes. The more we saw each other the more we wanted to be together. There was no amount of time that was enough.

 

I also am not okay being second choice. I'm awesome and anyone should be proud to have me out in public. I felt 'ew' as an AP. But that's just me. Please, please if you are okay with your A don't take this as judgmental bc its not intended that way.

[Athens]

Praying, good for you! Good for seeing the nature of affairs and even when you think you are in control you are not. I hope that you find what you are looking for and that you never again settle!

[Turtles]

Is the affair bringing out all the best in you?

 

Love that... no one can know all that is going on in your story... but you can decide if this is helping you become a better person.

[Athens]

The OW, this one is for you...yes, you have defensiveness issues . Am I reading this post right, you are not the OP are you? Why do you keep thinking I am talking to you directly, I am totally confused

[TheOW]

Ha ha me too .... It's my user name I really shoulda come up with something more original I mean seriously naming myself TheOW on an OW forum ...

 

Fail

 

The defensiveness I'm working on, it's the skull cracking thoughts I need help with nowadays

[Mycatsnuggles]

My posts are now edited by the moderator but the BS can call me a harlot and that is allowed. OK - my point.

 

nough said

[Athens]

I got edited too...no harm, no foul...I don't even remember what I wrote that got edited out.

[So happy together]

No, not about you in particular, but the you in general, the OWs that think they got a handle on this kind of thing. Our OW was good to go for a bit after DDay, being all big girl about it and then totally fell apart and has been a miserable mess and pain in our butts ever since. I would feel sorry for her, but she has crossed the line too many times and exhausted my good nature. She is suffering and though it makes me look and feel bad to say this, good...hopefully she will think twice before doing this again.

 

I hope your husband is suffering too. Or did he just run back to you and leave the OW on her butt to deal with the fallout on her own? If he did he is a coward. He pulled her into this, he should be the one that is responsible.

[TaraMaiden]

Because the AP is to blame. The BS bears responsibility.

The difference is there.

Actually.. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the WS actually should be the one sholdering at least the majority of the blame.

 

I'll take some...but most of it's on him, or at least it should be.

 

I may have used the wrong term... when I said 'AP' I meant the partner in the marriage engaged in the affair, not the third party....

 

(Sorry to come back so late in the discussion.... it was night time here, and when it's dark in the UK, we sleep..... )

[cocorico]

I'm just wondering if anyone here is in a long term; post affair relationship with the "other" with no added thrill of additional affairs? I personally think it'd be pretty easy to have a relationship with someone who is married to someone else for 7 years... I wouldn't need to deal with the marriage! With reality!

That's why I am only in open relationships now.

 

It just seems to me affairs are fine if they are continued alongside another relationship but not so much when trying to translate them into an actual relationship..

 

It's worked just great for us. No additional As needed. This one R meets all our needs, because we meet our needs through it.

[So happy together]

@whoreybull:

 

We are only four months out from him leaving his marriage. So far, so good. I would like to point out that we have known one another for 18 years. I know him and he knows me very, very well. I'm not in for any surprises. We are very happy, very compatible and we love one another. We nurture our relationship. That is one thing the affair taught me: to look at the relationship as a living entity and give it all you've got. It changes and morphs all the time and you have to roll with it, feed it what it needs, be present. I'll never let this relationship stagnate because I've learned how precious it is. And no, there will never be another person either in or alongside our relationship. Neither of us are serial cheaters. Ours was more a situation of dire loneliness. Each of us fulfills the other. We're great together.

[Got it]

What is considered a long time? Potentially yes I fit that bill depending on the number of years to qualify it.

 

And no, I really haven't had any major surprises outside of his complete lack of patience for dirty dishes in the sink. Works out in my favor as I am far more patient in that area so I end up not having to do them.