Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[TaraMaiden]

People - y'awl gonna get more on here if ya don' stick to topic.

 

[GorillaTheater]

People - y'awl gonna get more on here if ya don' stick to topic.

 

 

The ironic part being that this is the best we've all gotten along so far on this thread.

[TaraMaiden]

The ironic part being that this is the best we've all gotten along so far on this thread.

 

Speak for yourself, monkey-butt.

 

Fancy getting caught out in a sex thread - and not only was I not even involved, you didn't tell me about it!! :mad:

 

 

 

 

[Athens]

Wow, I go to work and what I wrote blows up...if you re read what I wrote, I said they went in to it both agreeing it was nothing more than a fling type thing and he would never leave me. She knew that. He traveled to her city on business and would text her when he landed. She would leave her kids with her husband and drive and hour to see him. He did not pull her in to anything. They both knew the parameters....problem was, he was able to abide by them and yes, he is with me and she is on her butt....but she agreed to it. He is a coward for having an affair, but not for ending it just as he said he would...with a quick call and nothing more...what makes you think she is entitled to more than she agreed to?

[So happy together]

Athens, I'm not saying she's entitled to anything. I'm simply just trying to convey, I guess rather poorly, that while I don't think she should stalk you, I can understand why she's hurt. And your cavalier response wasn't very kind. If you say they had an agreement, then that makes it a bit different. I also think I have a bit of a jaded view because my affair turned into him leaving his wife, and staying in a full relationship with me. So... I would die if my guy did that to me. I wouldn't call you, or him, but I would hurt a lot, and for a long time. I also don't really find it fair that MM just made a quick call, ended it, left her hurting and just went on with his life without regard to how hurt she was.

 

Who knows, she could be a bunny boiler. I just think that we could all use a bit of kindness toward one another, no matter which side we are on. We are all just human beings trying to find our place in this world. I don't have a single thing against BS's... only my boyfriends BS (stbxw), because of her treatment of him.

[Athens]

Honestly, I owe her nothing. I never committed to her, I did to my husband. He owes her nothing more than what they agreed to. The fact that she allowed herself to go in too deep is her problem. Of course, I may be a bit more sympathetic if she were not calling me and sending me copies of texts he sent her. She has a husband to console her.

[Decorative]

Athens, I'm not saying she's entitled to anything. I'm simply just trying to convey, I guess rather poorly, that while I don't think she should stalk you, I can understand why she's hurt. And your cavalier response wasn't very kind. If you say they had an agreement, then that makes it a bit different. I also think I have a bit of a jaded view because my affair turned into him leaving his wife, and staying in a full relationship with me. So... I would die if my guy did that to me. I wouldn't call you, or him, but I would hurt a lot, and for a long time. I also don't really find it fair that MM just made a quick call, ended it, left her hurting and just went on with his life without regard to how hurt she was.

 

Who knows, she could be a bunny boiler. I just think that we could all use a bit of kindness toward one another, no matter which side we are on. We are all just human beings trying to find our place in this world. I don't have a single thing against BS's... only my boyfriends BS (stbxw), because of her treatment of him.

 

Kindness begets kindness.

 

There was nothing kind in the OW's actions.

 

The BW should not physically harm the OW, or tell lies about her.

 

That's kindness enough.

[Turtles]

Kindness begets kindness.

 

There was nothing kind in the OW's actions.

 

The BW should not physically harm the OW, or tell lies about her.

 

That's kindness enough.

 

Are you referring to OP's situation or making a statement about affairs and cheaters in general?

[So happy together]

Fair enough. She's only hurting herself, I suppose, by doing those things. So, have you forgiven your H? Everything is wonderful now? When did the A end, if you don't mind my asking?

[Decorative]

Are you referring to OP's situation or making a statement about affairs and cheaters in general?

 

I am speaking to the comment made to another poster, Athens, by So Happy Togethe, and expanding on a comment by Bent. Directly above.

 

But I will expand it- to say that I see no reason why a betrayed has to be solicitous or generous to the OW.

 

A clear space between us is just fine. Do no harm, tell no lies- that's kindness enough, in an affair situation.

 

Why?

[Decorative]

Athens, I'm not saying she's entitled to anything. I'm simply just trying to convey, I guess rather poorly, that while I don't think she should stalk you, I can understand why she's hurt. And your cavalier response wasn't very kind. If you say they had an agreement, then that makes it a bit different. I also think I have a bit of a jaded view because my affair turned into him leaving his wife, and staying in a full relationship with me. So... I would die if my guy did that to me. I wouldn't call you, or him, but I would hurt a lot, and for a long time. I also don't really find it fair that MM just made a quick call, ended it, left her hurting and just went on with his life without regard to how hurt she was.

 

Who knows, she could be a bunny boiler. I just think that we could all use a bit of kindness toward one another, no matter which side we are on. We are all just human beings trying to find our place in this world. I don't have a single thing against BS's... only my boyfriends BS (stbxw), because of her treatment of him.

 

We have read your thoughts on your MM's spouse.

 

Where is the kindness you show her?

[ComingInHot]

my cat wrote, " But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? "

 

Forget society, it's crumbling fast.

 

What does your H think? Or what would He think, feel and say?

[Turtles]

I am speaking to the comment made to another poster, Athens, by So Happy Togethe, and expanding on a comment by Bent. Directly above.

 

But I will expand it- to say that I see no reason why a betrayed has to be solicitous or generous to the OW.

 

A clear space between us is just fine. Do no harm, tell no lies- that's kindness enough, in an affair situation.

 

Why?

 

I felt Happy's comment was about the forum in particular. Some of the posters on here seem to be on a sort of righteous crusade whereby all cheaters are automatically considered to be subhuman scums not worthy of basic courtesy. Seems weird to me to pass such a blanket judgement.

 

As far as kindness from a BS to her spouse's partner, no, I don't see why there should be any, in most circumstances, as bent put it, letting them breathe is kindness enough.

[So happy together]

I will say, I find it difficult, but I do try. I try to be kind in my thoughts and feelings toward her.

 

I try not to get in the middle of their divorce (yes,yes, I realize what you'll be saying, that I am in the middle because of the affair, and some would say I caused it. Not true my boyfriend would have left regardless of our relationship).

 

I try to have empathy for the fact that she is an alcoholic. That she doesn't know how to have a proper relationship with a man.

 

But, at the same time, I don't regret the affair, and I guess that could be seen as hostile.

 

She will hate me forever, but that doesn't mean I have to hate her back, even if I hate what she did to my boyfriend before he left. And I am really, really glad he left.

 

I realize that my insinuation into her life was not ideal for her, but it was perfect for me, and for my boyfriend.

 

I am sorry she is hurting. I can be kind, but I don't have to like her or be her friend. If I ever saw her on the street I would not attack her, claws bared.

[Decorative]

I felt Happy's comment was about the forum in particular. Some of the posters on here seem to be on a sort of righteous crusade whereby all cheaters are automatically considered to be subhuman scums not worthy of basic courtesy. Seems weird to me to pass such a blanket judgement.

 

As far as kindness from a BS to her spouse's partner, no, I don't see why there should be any, in most circumstances, as bent put it, letting them breathe is kindness enough.

 

Oh.

 

I did not read happy's comment that way. I was more struck by her specific call out of Athens' behavior towards the OW.

 

I am confused- who is saying that cheaters are subhuman? Most of the betrayeds who post on here are married to former waywards. And there are wonderful former affair partners on these forums who I am proud to know and I think are great.

 

But I don't see much reason to interact with your particular spouse's affair partner, in the vast majority of cases. Nor do I feel that a person who engages in a known extramarital affair deserves extra consideration post affair from the wayward or his or her spouse.

 

That's when I think the affair partner's friends and family should step in and gives arms and support. An ugly ending is a risk factor in an affair.

[Decorative]

I will say, I find it difficult, but I do try. I try to be kind in my thoughts and feelings toward her.

 

I try not to get in the middle of their divorce (yes,yes, I realize what you'll be saying, that I am in the middle because of the affair, and some would say I caused it. Not true my boyfriend would have left regardless of our relationship).

 

I try to have empathy for the fact that she is an alcoholic. That she doesn't know how to have a proper relationship with a man.

 

But, at the same time, I don't regret the affair, and I guess that could be seen as hostile.

 

She will hate me forever, but that doesn't mean I have to hate her back, even if I hate what she did to my boyfriend before he left. And I am really, really glad he left.

 

I realize that my insinuation into her life was not ideal for her, but it was perfect for me, and for my boyfriend.

 

I am sorry she is hurting. I can be kind, but I don't have to like her or be her friend. If I ever saw her on the street I would not attack her, claws bared.

 

I am glad to know you are trying. You have said many other things that led me to believe you were quite hostile to her.

 

Your insinuation into her life was destructive, and far more so than your phrase "not ideal " for her. And I admit, I cringe a little over you saying it was perfect for you and your MM. Harming another human being is never perfect.

 

Maybe realizing that will help ebb any residual anger you hold towards her. Being betrayed is an awful thing. It's the worst trauma I have ever had to recover from, and I have had some doozies.

 

Here is hoping that she takes this opportunity to make positive changes in her life going forward.

[So happy together]

I am glad to know you are trying. You have said many other things that led me to believe you were quite hostile to her.

 

Your insinuation into her life was destructive, and far more so than your phrase "not ideal " for her. And I admit, I cringe a little over you saying it was perfect for you and your MM. Harming another human being is never perfect.

 

Maybe realizing that will help ebb any residual anger you hold towards her. Being betrayed is an awful thing. It's the worst trauma I have ever had to recover from, and I have had some doozies.

 

Here is hoping that she takes this opportunity to make positive changes in her life going forward.

 

I suppose it could be spun a lot of ways, but when you talk about me harming another human being, I take some offense. I am not married to her. Her stbxh may have harmed her, but as far as I can see, only minimally. I admit I don't know her every thought, but I do know that most of the time she is in a stupor and has no idea what's going on around her.

 

And then I step back and wonder, why did she not care at the horrible harm she did to my boyfriend while they were together? She did not care that she was drunk all the time. That she left all of the work, money making, child rearing etc. in his care because she was incapable, by choice. Why did she not care that she was killing his spirit while she was verbally abusive, passed out on the toilet more nights than not, was unable to go to things he wanted to go to, so he went alone? Where was she then, when he was lonely and sad? And he WAS.

 

So then, he finds someone who wants to do these things and for the first time in a long, long time, he feels some happiness. He begins to smile again, to laugh, to see a future for himself that is not just dismal. It goes from a long, long friendship, to a PA. And he is happier than ever. He leaves her, to be happy, after he has raised his daughter and has made sure she has all she needs. He took his daughter through all of her milestones from her first bra, her first period, to the loss of a baby. All while his stbxw was drunk and incapable.

 

This is why I don't feel guilty, and I'm glad he's happy, that he's left and that we are together. It is perfect for us, even if it was less than perfect for her. And even now, all she does is drunk text him in the middle of the night complaining about money. Not saying she loves or misses him. Just money.

 

So... I feel empathy for her. I am sorry she feels slighted, or maybe embarrassed. But there is just no way that she feels she's lost the love of her life, because she doesn't even know who he is.

 

As I said, I'll never be her friend, but I can show some kindness toward her.

 

And I was talking more about the BS's on this forum showing a little kindness, because a lot of times it doesn't feel like they are being kind at all. So, I had an affair with a woman's husband, but I didn't have an affair with yours. So stop hating on me, please.

[waterwoman]

It always makes me laugh when people talk about France as a haven of sexual openness and freedom. Even a few years ago we visited a town in BrittAny and the chemist shop had a paper cut out bikini stuck over the naked breasts of the woman on a suntan lotion ad. The rich and powerful may get away with it as long as they are discrete but for the ordinary Joe it's no different. And anyway in situations where there is a mistress as well as a wife she isn't secret, she's accepted and sanctioned by the wife. Therein lies the difference - unless your lover's wife would be ok with it it wouldn't happen.

[Athens]

"Fair enough. She's only hurting herself, I suppose, by doing those things. So, have you forgiven your H? Everything is wonderful now? When did the A end, if you don't mind my asking?"

 

 

Yes, I have forgiven my husband and no everything is not wonderful now. We are healing everyday. We have much to work through but we are doing it together. Its been three months and we have a long way to go but we are happy with our decision to work things out. I can say her behavior has helped him see her for who she truly is so any positive thoughts he ever had of her are gone and no, he does not feel bad for ending it with the call they agreed on. He is mad that she did not hold up her end of the bargain and pretty much lied to him the whole time about her feelings. He would have ended it long ago if he knew she wanted more than what they agreed on.

[TheOW]

"Fair enough. She's only hurting herself, I suppose, by doing those things. So, have you forgiven your H? Everything is wonderful now? When did the A end, if you don't mind my asking?"

 

 

Yes, I have forgiven my husband and no everything is not wonderful now. We are healing everyday. We have much to work through but we are doing it together. Its been three months and we have a long way to go but we are happy with our decision to work things out. I can say her behavior has helped him see her for who she truly is so any positive thoughts he ever had of her are gone and no, he does not feel bad for ending it with the call they agreed on. He is mad that she did not hold up her end of the bargain and pretty much lied to him the whole time about her feelings. He would have ended it long ago if he knew she wanted more than what they agreed on.

 

The "hold up her end of the bargain" struck a cord with me, I remember times when me and xMM fell out or split up etc he would always say "im holding my end of the bargain" like this was all just a business deal, he took my body raped my soul and he held up his side of the bargain ?? what a b*stard !! I know he never meant it that way but sometimes thats how it felt.

 

Im having a bad day and he is lucky he is away at the moment or I may end up punching his lights out. My own stupid stupid fault though I knew we would fall in love right from the beginning.

[Athens]

Why does that strike a cord with you....if you entered in to a relationship with a MM with parameters and then you crossed them, how is he to blame? In a marriage you make promises and when they are broken, there is a lot of hurt and anger. But an affair or any relationship with clear boundaries are a different story, how can he be a jerk for you getting in over your head. Now, of he lied or miscommunicated, that's a different story, but in my situation, it's pretty clear from her messages that she wanted more, did not protect herself and never told him that she was slipping into wanting more. BTW, we are pretty sure she is the one that sent the anon text that tipped me off. I think maybe she underestimated our marriage and tried to force our hand. Actually, I know that to be the case as she said, she pretty much just that.

[Turtles]

Because it's cold and, yes, very business like - "You can't fall in love, that's against the rules!". That's all well and good but the heart doesn't know of those rules.

 

Obviously you can argue her mistake was to start an affair in the first place and you'd be right but that is what it is.

[So happy together]

Why does that strike a cord with you....if you entered in to a relationship with a MM with parameters and then you crossed them, how is he to blame? In a marriage you make promises and when they are broken, there is a lot of hurt and anger. But an affair or any relationship with clear boundaries are a different story, how can he be a jerk for you getting in over your head. Now, of he lied or miscommunicated, that's a different story, but in my situation, it's pretty clear from her messages that she wanted more, did not protect herself and never told him that she was slipping into wanting more. BTW, we are pretty sure she is the one that sent the anon text that tipped me off. I think maybe she underestimated our marriage and tried to force our hand. Actually, I know that to be the case as she said, she pretty much just that.

 

I stated this in another thread, but wanted to bring it here. You are SO mad at OW, but you forgive the man who betrayed you. OW did not betray you, your husband did. So, you put all the blame on OW, and hysterically bond with your husband and all is right with the world? HE is the problem for you as HE is the one who broke your vows. She underestimated your marriage? Sounds like YOU did, thinking your H wouldn't cheat. But, you know how it goes, all is forgiven, except the OW, who will be the devil incarnate in your eyes forever.

 

As far as the parameters of their relationship, things change. People change, feelings evolve. That is how life works.

[TheOW]

Because it's cold and, yes, very business like - "You can't fall in love, that's against the rules!". That's all well and good but the heart doesn't know of those rules.

 

Obviously you can argue her mistake was to start an affair in the first place and you'd be right but that is what it is.

 

 

Ironic thing was that he was the first to utter ILY .. stupid man.

[TaraMaiden]

I have beliefs that are not accepted in the small society I live in. I would not give up my feminist and atheist beliefs because others get angered and disapprove. In fact, I proudly kept my last name and we gave it to all three of my children. I contacted the school and requested they stop letting the boy scouts have assemblies during school time since they don't allow atheist boys (or gays, which pisses me off too). Being a feminist and atheist doesn't make me "happy" really, but I would be extremely unhappy if I was forced to go to church or treated unfairly due to my sex or if I had to keep my beliefs private.

I have had mostly positive responses when I have bucked society. In fact, speaking up has helped me attract some like-minded friends and detract haters. I say stand up for your affair. The only way people and society are going to become more open to your lifestyle is if you can be open and proud and display how well it works for you.

 

But wouldn't that mean she would have to inform her husband, and his wife, as well?

being 'open and proud' can't be selective. The truth will out anyway, won't it?

Displaying how well it works for her is kind of a huge slap in the face for the BS's/injured parties....

So there's a flaw in the plan there, somewhere....wouldn't you say?