Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[AnotherRound]

Why are you so worried what some bs's think of the ow they had to deal with? You seem so upset by this? You seem to not care what the bs in your situation thinks of you. So, why are you so very upset what a bunch of strangers think of another bunch of strangers, all who have no impact on your life at all?

 

I read her post as not being upset - just that she was noticing the behavior and pointing out that they are aiming their ammo at the wrong people. I personally think that ammo is best aimed at the WS - but I get why people aim it elsewhere - it's easier to hate someone you don't love or aren't hurt by than to admit your WS treated you like crap.

 

I don't think she is upset at all - and she certainly can hold her own here, but I didn't read her posts like that at all.

[AnotherRound]

I don't hate either of them. To my knowledge I do not hate anyone at this time. WS treated me like crap. OW treated me like crap. Carry on.

 

Um - I didn't say you did - I don't even remember responding to a post of yours???

[ladydesigner]

It's called 'taking the rough with the smooth.

OW/OM get the benefit of a no-strings-attached intimate sexual relationship with someone else's spouse. That's the smooth.

The rough is that you get an irate BS.

 

If they have to put up with lying cheating and betrayal, OW/OM have to put up with the BS's anger-fuelled fall-out.

 

Perfectly stated Tara. What do they always say "If you mess with the bull you get the horns" Yeah something like that.

[BrownBarbie]

"Please.... don't.... get.....caught."

 

Like lying is something you should be really proud of. Worth holding your head up high with that one.

 

Not one single cheater has yet been able to demonstrate or explain to me, clearly, succinctly and logically why they believe it is perfectly okay, acceptable and honourable, to continue to lie, to betray, to deceive and to undermine the relationship they have with their spouse.

 

I get that sometimes marriages are difficult to end; I get that sometimes it's not practical, there and then to pull the plug.

 

But I don't get this gleeful triumphant attitude to being an out and out cheating liar, and I'd love someone to explain it to me please.

 

Sorry. It's one of those things you can't explain in words. If others can understand it and do it, its not so beyond comprehension. Just your comprehension it seems. Fortunately for me I can understand precisely what you are saying, I understand how you feel about cheaters and I'm sure if makes sense to you and the many more people. I won't waste my time explaining what you can't understand.

[Athens]

Hilarious....I am not being unkind to anyone here, just sharing my experiences with one individual. The woe is me stuff is tiresome, such victims you all play. All I can say is I do not get offended by things that do not pertain to me, so those that are offended by my honesty about this particular situation are either naturally defensive or see themselves in the craziness of the OW in our life. As women, we need to empower ourselves and not settle, if you are settling in your affair by lying about what you truly want, when the poop hits the fan you will probably fall apart as our OW has. Protect yourself by being honest with yourself, if your MM says they will not leave their spouse, they probably will not.

[BrownBarbie]

I wish everyone would just follow the original thread. Religion, OW blah blah.

 

You see my motto.

[So happy together]

Hilarious....I am not being unkind to anyone here, just sharing my experiences with one individual. The woe is me stuff is tiresome, such victims you all play. All I can say is I do not get offended by things that do not pertain to me, so those that are offended by my honesty about this particular situation are either naturally defensive or see themselves in the craziness of the OW in our life. As women, we need to empower ourselves and not settle, if you are settling in your affair by lying about what you truly want, when the poop hits the fan you will probably fall apart as our OW has. Protect yourself by being honest with yourself, if your MM says they will not leave their spouse, they probably will not.

 

 

This is not me. My boyfriend left the marriage and we are a couple. And we're happy. I've known him my whole adult life. I won't be getting any surprises as to who he is. And I am definitely not a crazy OW. I made sure to NEVER have a confrontation. I don't speak ill of her to my boyfriend or anyone else who knows her. And I never settled. And while I agree if MM says he won't leave his spouse, he probably won't, but that was never the goal in our R. The plan was to leave and be together.

 

He's taking the proper steps, living on his own, getting the divorce handled, etc. Things are going exactly as we'd planned and we are happy. That's all.

[So happy together]

I'm not nice to unrepentant perpetrators. A thief may not have stolen MY crap, but if I hear him bragging about how he hurts people I WILL tell him what I think if his crappy behavior. Cheats are the same. Come here bragging about how a person's life was destroyed, I am NOT going to respect that.

 

As I've said a thousand times, I don't know about the other OW on this forum, but for us, she is a drunk. She hurt him for years. I don't feel particularly awful about him having an affair and leaving her. Be mad all you want at all of us, I suppose, I can't change it, but it seems a little time and energy consuming. I came here for support from other OW. I didn't come here to be bashed. I was called 'slutty' on another thread. Really?

[TaraMaiden]

Originally Posted by TaraMaiden

Not one single cheater has yet been able to demonstrate or explain to me, clearly, succinctly and logically why they believe it is perfectly okay, acceptable and honourable, to continue to lie, to betray, to deceive and to undermine the relationship they have with their spouse.

 

Sorry. It's one of those things you can't explain in words. If others can understand it and do it, its not so beyond comprehension. Just your comprehension it seems. Fortunately for me I can understand precisely what you are saying, I understand how you feel about cheaters and I'm sure if makes sense to you and the many more people. I won't waste my time explaining what you can't understand.

 

Because.

You.

Can't.

No cheater can.

 

As I've said a thousand times, I don't know about the other OW on this forum, but for us, she is a drunk. She hurt him for years.

I don't feel particularly awful about him having an affair and leaving her. Be mad all you want at all of us, I suppose, I can't change it, but it seems a little time and energy consuming. I came here for support from other OW. I didn't come here to be bashed. I was called 'slutty' on another thread. Really?

 

Yeah, apparently so.

Some BSs feel that way.

Someone else screwed their spouse.

 

It's one of those 'get over it' situations.

You trespass on someone else's territory, you risk the wrath of an angry person.

You can't blame the 'loose cannon' syndrome.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

If forgiveness is predicated on owning, apologizing and atoning, why are you surprised that some bs will forgive their apologetic and atoning ws but not the unapologetic, self righteous ow?

 

People get forgiven when they display behavior that is worthy of forgiveness. I didn't forgive my spouse or his ow because neither acted as if they deserved it....

 

You think forgiveness is about what the other person does? Merit based? Here's some news. And go ahead ls, call me a narcissist! But when I forgive someone, it's not about them. It's an inside job -- all about memememe.

 

Atheist Scholar, you have zero idea about what true forgiveness is.

 

But I forgive ya. And no matter what you do, ya can't stop me. You getting it now? If not, I forgive ya that, too. Ain't really about ya, see.

[Silly_Girl]

You think forgiveness is about what the other person does? Merit based? Here's some news. And go ahead ls, call me a narcissist! But when I forgive someone, it's not about them. It's an inside job -- all about memememe.

 

Atheist Scholar, you have zero idea about what true forgiveness is.

 

But I forgive ya. And no matter what you do, ya can't stop me. You getting it now? If not, I forgive ya that, too. Ain't really about ya, see.

 

Thank you! I was about to post in that vein but you got it bang on.

[cocorico]

 

It's one of those 'get over it' situations.

You trespass on someone else's territory, you risk the wrath of an angry person.

You can't blame the 'loose cannon' syndrome.

 

A spouse is territory?

 

I don't consider my H "territory". I consider him a human in his own right.

[ComingInHot]

Athiestscholar wrote, " If forgiveness is predicated on owning, apologizing and atoning, why are you surprised that some bs will forgive their apologetic and atoning ws but not the unapologetic, self righteous ow?

 

People get forgiven when they display behavior that is worthy of forgiveness. I didn't forgive my spouse or his ow because neither acted as if they deserved it...."

 

AthiestScholar, I Want to agree because of the hurt & betrayal in my H & OW's A, But (for me) I absolutely had to forgive both of them (like a Thousand times before it stuck).

 

I did it for me so it wouldn't eat me up inside. Do I "like" her? Uh no. But I have been able to move on*

 

PS; a side effect is it really pissed of exOW that I forgave her... *

[So happy together]

Because.

You.

Can't.

No cheater can.

 

 

 

Yeah, apparently so.

Some BSs feel that way.

Someone else screwed their spouse.

 

It's one of those 'get over it' situations.

You trespass on someone else's territory, you risk the wrath of an angry person.

You can't blame the 'loose cannon' syndrome.

 

 

 

I didn't screw your husband. But apparently, because SOMEONE screwed your husband (again, not me), and I had an affair with a MM, I am called slutty? I'm the OW in your relationship BY PROXY??? Jesus. Give me just the smallest break.

[TaraMaiden]

I didn't screw your husband. But apparently, because SOMEONE screwed your husband (again, not me), and I had an affair with a MM, I am called slutty? I'm the OW in your relationship BY PROXY??? Jesus. Give me just the smallest break.

Look - if I'm not mistaken, your situation is a different one, because you are now with your MM and creating a life with him, so really these recriminations are redundant where you are concerned.

 

And if the 'you' in your post was specific, and not generic, I have already explained that neither I not my H have ever entertained the thought or action of an affair.

 

if however, the 'you' IS generic, and you are therefore addressing several members here - then those who indulge in affairs with a person they know to be married, are voluntarily stepping into a situation that sabotages and jeopardises a relationship between two people who once promised themselves to another, and who vowed to remain faithful and constant.

 

To many people, that is an unconditional and non-negotiable vow.

Those people hold cheaters and adulterous partners in total contempt, and speak their minds accordingly.

 

The OW/OM who has been complicit in the agreement to be a part of an adulterous relationship, is going to incur the displeasure of those who have been unwilling parties to that experience.

 

It doesn't matter that those on the receiving end of harsh judgement may not have been directly involved with the marriages of BS's on here.

It is sufficient that OW/OM indulged in that behaviour at all, which to someone who is offended by their own personal experience, is just as unfathomable and unacceptable.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Frozen Sprout -

Goodness so many posts not sure I can address all the statments but I will a few. About the BS. I found myself praying for her the other day. I thought it was odd because I am not a religious person but I wanted her to be safe and happy with her H. When it occurred to me what I was doing, because I don't normally pray, I stopped and thought "yeah pretty sure his W would prefer I not pray for her but leave her H alone". I have no delusions that she would be kind to me, I would actually prefer that her anger be taken out on me and not him. I have no desire break his marriage up and I can say almost 100% he would never leave her for me. I do believe I would back away from them both, I believe I already have. Does it hurt YES I miss him. But I am not unhappy about having the relationship with him and so far neither is he. We do still have some contact via messages. It was a LTA I can't just cut off all communicaton and pretend he never happened. I don't want to forget him, he was special. One day when I'm an old lady in my wheelchair I will have the memories of the joy we found together.

 

Am I a better person from the experience? I am A LOT stronger. He gave me that. His belief in me as a strong woman made me rediscover the strength in myself. My H had spent years telling me how weak I was, I had begun to believe him. OM made me feel strong, confident and independent. I finished my degree and now have financial independence for the first time in my life. Without OM I am not sure I could have done that. H never supported me and instead went out of his way to make it harder for me, OM was there telling me from the beginning I was strong, until finally one day I was.

 

An affair is hard. There were days I cried for not having heard from him, times I wanted to reach out to him and could not, moments I ached wonder what he was doing. I aways weighed the joys of being with him over the sorrows of being apart. For 2 + years I decided to enjoy the moments we could have because it was better then the alternative of having nothing with him. He has to much to lose now, so I came here to have people tell me how awful I am, I actually wanted that. Convince me to stay away. Because the magnetic pull is still there. I want to run to him and seek comfort in his arms for my hurting heart.

 

Finally H. No its not fair to him. He is a good person, I'm not. He doesn't desereve what I have done to him. He knows a little but certainly not all and I won't share it with him - no matter what anyone on here says about it. H couldn't take the truth. Knowing I found pleasure with another man it would kill him. I'm not sure if I would survive if he found out. I want the marriage to work but I am not ruling out seperating. I am stronger it is possible now because of this. But H is my friend for all his faults and he loves me. I want to try. So Om and I ended for the benefit of both of us.

[So happy together]

Tara, I was not addressing you personally. All I have been saying this entire time is that BS's come on here and treat AP's like we are subhuman. We're not. We are people just like you, and BS's should be as harsh with the MM rather than just blaming the OW.

 

And to be kinder. But OW are all so defensive that they don't hear it and take it as a personal affront. You are not the morality police.

[Decorative]

Tara, I was not addressing you personally. All I have been saying this entire time is that BS's come on here and treat AP's like we are subhuman. We're not. We are people just like you, and BS's should be as harsh with the MM rather than just blaming the OW.

 

And to be kinder. But OW are all so defensive that they don't hear it and take it as a personal affront. You are not the morality police.

 

Again- you have no idea how "harsh" betrayed have been with their married spouses.

 

 

You can read around here for awhile and see how "harsh" a lot of us were. it might surprise you. I know of no one who is successfully reconciled that did not place blame , and the majority of it, on their wayward spouse. And wayward spouses on here also get taken to task.

 

You appear not to be reading widely- and instead just zeroing in on what you view as attacks.

 

You are wrong. You may want to investigate more before you keep saying the same tired thing about showing kindness that reflects no actual comprehension of the dynamics.

[TaraMaiden]

BS's who stay with their Wayward Spouses, and choose reconciliation over separation/divorce, have a vested interest; it could be financial, it could be familial, it could be professional. It may be a combination of all three, but one thing is for sure, the emotional investment covers everything.

Most 'broken' couples go to counselling, and it can take years for them to work through the discovery, revelation and shock of an affair.

 

But one thing is for sure: Both have to work at it, and both have to want it, in equal measures.

 

Therefore, no matter how strongly a BS feels about their spouse - how angry, how hurt, how rejected, how betrayed - providing there is a real, genuine willingness to recover, repair and renew, then this is what they do.

Doubtless it entails a huge amount of emotional nakedness. Doubtless there are tears, questions, arguments and words of any kind imaginable, exchanged.

 

The BS usually has no such vested interest in the OW/OM.

That person is often a stranger, and someone who has (to the BS) overstepped the boundary and trespassed on private property.

Into realms they had absolutely no business venturing.

 

Therefore, it is quite easy to be angry with someone who is an unknown. It's much easier to get madder - and stay madder - at a total stranger, than it is with someone familiar.

 

I think it fair to say (having spoken to couples involved in such matters) that if the OW/OM became familiar - friendly even - with the BS, one of two things normally happened:

They began to see that the WS wasn't as honest about the BS's character as they had previously thought, and secondly, they found it very difficult to maintain a relationship with their lover, once a rapport had been established with the BS.

 

But the fact that OW/OM on here are faceless, and merely 'actors' in a scene every BS loathes and dreads - it's easy to take it out on the personifications of the personal affront and injury BS's have felt.

[SweetiePie12]

BS's who stay with their Wayward Spouses, and choose reconciliation over separation/divorce, have a vested interest; it could be financial, it could be familial, it could be professional.

 

Exactly. It could be keeping up an image in a community. It could be fear there's no one else better out there/more compatible. It could be feeling too old/wasted too much time.

 

The BS usually has no such vested interest in the OW/OM.

That person is often a stranger, and someone who has (to the BS) overstepped the boundary and trespassed on private property.

 

I have to echo the sentiment of another poster, perhaps in this thread: significant others are not "property". And what defines a "stranger"? Length of time known to one another?

 

Therefore, it is quite easy to be angry with someone who is an unknown. It's much easier to get madder - and stay madder - at a total stranger, than it is with someone familiar.

 

Perhaps in part because the "someone familiar" downplays the nature of the relationship with so called unknown stranger (also sometimes known as new friend).

 

I think it fair to say (having spoken to couples involved in such matters) that if the OW/OM became familiar - friendly even - with the BS, one of two things normally happened:

They began to see that the WS wasn't as honest about the BS's character as they had previously thought

 

...presuming, of course, that the nature of the bs is topic of conversation at all between ws/ow...

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly. It could be keeping up an image in a community. It could be fear there's no one else better out there/more compatible. It could be feeling too old/wasted too much time.

 

The reasons are immaterial. if both spouse want to recover the relationship equally, then the OW/OM is out of the picture.

 

 

I have to echo the sentiment of another poster, perhaps in this thread: significant others are not "property". And what defines a "stranger"? Length of time known to one another?

The 'Private Property' is not another person. It's the Marriage itself.

A stranger is someone the BS has no knowledge of, and certainly has no intention of knowing.

 

 

Perhaps in part because the "someone familiar" downplays the nature of the relationship with so called unknown stranger (also sometimes known as new friend).

This becomes complex.

If the OW/OM becomes a 'friend to the BS, hen upon revelation of the affair, the BS is even less kindly disposed towards the OW/OM.

 

Because the friendship suddenly has ulterior motive and an intrusive aspect....

 

...presuming, of course, that the nature of the bs is topic of conversation at all between ws/ow...

In every case I discussed, it had certainly been a topic, and the WS had definitely painted the BS in a poor light.

[TaraMaiden]

I personally would like to add two things at this juncture:

 

ONE:

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

It is not what a person says - in mitigation, by reasoning, as an excuse, as a validation, as an explanation, as clarification - that either underpins or justifies what they have done. It is their actions which are far more revealing and telling, and as clear a demonstration of what that person's priorities are.

 

The bottom line is, they want to play away.

A person can propose all the reasons for the affair, they want. Strip all the emotional entanglement and what you're left with is carnal desire and temptation.

 

TWO:

 

I do not criticise a person.

I criticise their actions.

My neighbour is a former adulteress.

I may disapprove of her actions, but I am still her friend.

[White Flower]

Sorry I'm late to the thread. I read the first page and the last and see that the OP has been hopped on with the not so welcoming brigade.

 

To the OP, what brings you joy? Can you have that joy only in an A sitch? Or can you both leave and have it full time? The joy in an A setting was perfect for me for about five years but things changed and I wanted something different. Then several Ddays came along which changed the dynamics of our A and it became an A that brought me no joy. And since joy was the key ingredient, why keep it going?

 

I'm D now and back in contact with xMM who says there is no joy in life without me. I'm taking my stand and doing what's right for me but I don't judge if you're doing what's right for you. Sift through here and take what you need.

[whichwayisup]

You've been extremely honest with your MM but not your own husband.

But I'm giving him up because society says what we have is wrong? I just wonder why should I? If we are both happy with what we have and are discreet why do I have to let this man go. Its sappy I know but he feels like my soul mate. I feel content in his presence and truly loved. I don't want to lose either of my friends my H or my other man. Very Selfish I know.

Yes it is selfish. Very selfish.

 

You cannot have it both ways. You want to stay married and you want the OM as well. Life doesn't work like that! As an adult you know this! you also know that what you're doing to your husband is cruel and he will be devastated when he finds out the truth.

 

If you want an open marriage, want to keep both men, then tell your H so HE can have an OW on the side too. Why should you get to do as you please and live the lie? Pretend and act like all is great at home with your husband yet it isn't!

 

Consquences are people get hurt, innocent and guilty ones. And yes, people lose friendships as well. Deceit and lying, betraying affects many not just the spouses. It affects kids, inlaws, extended families, friends, neighbours.. People's lives can be affected even ones you least expect.

[WakingUp]

Wow, it can get very volatile very quickly.

 

But really, sometimes its best to move on. The thing about this place is that you get to hear things you don't want to...

 

But perhaps you need to hear them.

 

And then there can be progress.