Anyone Happy w your Affair?

[White Flower]

Having been there, and understanding that a lot of OW/OM don't seek out this site to flaunt their affair, to tell the world how well it's going, rather, they are broken, looking for help to end the cycle of insanity. There are a few here that are pro affair, who encourage that behavior, I'm not one.

 

The poster comes looking for answers from those who have been there, not from those who don't want them to be there. You don't go to an AA meeting (if you liken your A to an addiction, I personally don't) and ask a non-alcoholic how they successfully got free of their addiction! You ask someone who has BTandDT to sponsor you. And since sponsors have likely dealt with many of the same aspects of your "addiction" they will offer guidance without judgment. Sounds like common sense to me.

 

People who judge are likely to confuse happy and content OW to "flaunt their affair", rather than offering bonafide help based on pros and cons of the individual. The HOW (Happy OW) isn't allowed a seat in her own forum because of the reformed who seem to need friends so desperately that they'll placate a group of people they will never meet IRL.

[White Flower]

The poster comes looking for answers from those who have been there, not from those who don't want them to be there. You don't go to an AA meeting (if you liken your A to an addiction, I personally don't) and ask a non-alcoholic how they successfully got free of their addiction! You ask someone who has BTandDT to sponsor you. And since sponsors have likely dealt with many of the same aspects of your "addiction" they will offer guidance without judgment. Sounds like common sense to me.

 

People who judge are likely to confuse happy and content OW to "flaunt their affair", rather than offering bonafide help based on pros and cons of the individual. The HOW (Happy OW) isn't allowed a seat in her own forum because of the reformed who seem to need friends so desperately that they'll placate a group of people they will never meet IRL.

It's as if they embrace the slogan "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Many of the rOW didn't get their man so now they relate to the BW who never fully gets her man back either. Still, that experience isn't a rounded experience which the OP of each thread in this forum is looking for.

Edited April 21, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[So happy together]

^^^ This. I almost used the AA analogy, but was afraid of the fallout. But that is exactly it.

[White Flower]

^^^ This. I almost used the AA analogy, but was afraid of the fallout. But that is exactly it.

Many will liken our A to an addiction but there is plenty of data suggesting that any kind of love is like an addiction. They'll discuss it with judgment, and we are more likely to back our discussions up with noteworthy research. Further, if we do, it gets their panties in a wad because they certainly weren't expecting any OW to have their wits about them. They're expecting us all to wallow in our emotional lows until they can talk us out of our R. That's why they jump on the newbs so quickly.

[So happy together]

Many will liken our A to an addiction but there is plenty of data suggesting that any kind of love is like an addiction. They'll discuss it with judgment, and we are more likely to back our discussions up with noteworthy research. Further, if we do, it gets their panties in a wad because they certainly weren't expecting any OW to have their wits about them. They're expecting us all to wallow in our emotional lows until they can talk us out of our R. That's why they jump on the newbs so quickly.

 

I would liken them to vultures, but I would probably get banned, so I won't.

[Mycatsnuggles]

white - this is exactly why I posted the question. So many OW are here lamenting ever being in an affair and making it sound as though all OW are waitning for the day their MM leaves their wife for them. I did not have that experience. I don't believe that is the typical experience. I think there are many more then myself who had an affair and found some happiness. This isn't crowing about how awesome it is, its reality. An affair can be fun. To read this site all LS 's get the impression that all affairs are full of tragic women that are being used and waiting for married men to dump their wives which statistically we know happens very rarely.

 

People have affairs because they enjoy the experience. No man was sexually forced by the OW, or lead down the lane of by her man stealing power. He went there cause he wanted to and he liked it.

[So happy together]

white - this is exactly why I posted the question. So many OW are here lamenting ever being in an affair and making it sound as though all OW are waitning for the day their MM leaves their wife for them. I did not have that experience. I don't believe that is the typical experience. I think there are many more then myself who had an affair and found some happiness. This isn't crowing about how awesome it is, its reality. An affair can be fun. To read this site all LS 's get the impression that all affairs are full of tragic women that are being used and waiting for married men to dump their wives which statistically we know happens very rarely.

 

People have affairs because they enjoy the experience. No man was sexually forced by the OW, or lead down the lane of by her man stealing power. He went there cause he wanted to and he liked it.

 

You know, this is interesting. I was talking to my BF about this. His daughter and stbxw kept talking about how I had ruined their lives and how I had seduced him. I informed him that I didn't care how it made me look, but the worst part for me was that it made HIM look like a weakling that couldn't control himself. That was NOT what happened with us. We both made a conscious decision. He's NOT weak. He is the strongest man I know.

 

But I do have to say... we definitely did enjoy the affair. But when we were done, we were just done. We wanted to be together. I know this isn't the typical scenario, but we did have a plan in place. I don't like that 'some' people act as though it was luck or chance. For us, it just wasn't. I appreciate that you guys can see my point a little here. Thank you for that.

[So happy together]

 

I could have stayed in it maybe and kept the going back and forth going, but I'm better than that, worth more than that. I no longer wanting to aid in his own dysfunction nor hurt the BS anymore and I don't get my jollies from competing with another woman for a man. He is so not worth it.

 

I love this.

[So happy together]

Are you being sincere or dismissive, happy?

 

I was absolutely sincere. I have said I am not pro or anti affair. I think it is absolutely great that you did what was best for you, that you weren't afraid to listen to your gut and do what you need to do to be happy.

[White Flower]

I love this.

 

I love it too actually and relate very well to it. The main difference between us though, LG and myself, is I never saw myself as part of any competition with the BW. If she has won then she won a poor excuse of a guilt-ridden WH who only stayed out of duty not love, but that's her problem to deal with. I won't take him back unless he's proven he can deal with his issues because if he can't then he could never really deal with our future issues.

[White Flower]

Then apparantly you missed my point. I have been there, was in an affair, felt the wonderful highs, and the crushing lows. Was dumped instantly on dday, that's when I found this site. So yea, I've been there, most definitely.

 

I don't dispute that you've been there; I dispute that many OW are on LS to "flaunt their affair". I don't think that stating your happiness about anything is necessarily flaunting.

 

I also dispute people taking things out of context, not that you did.

[Athens]

Whatever it takes to soothe yourself I suppose. I am glad my husband is person enough to make zero excuses and admit that affairs are selfish and destructive and just plain wrong.

[Turtles]

white - this is exactly why I posted the question. So many OW are here lamenting ever being in an affair and making it sound as though all OW are waitning for the day their MM leaves their wife for them. I did not have that experience. I don't believe that is the typical experience. I think there are many more then myself who had an affair and found some happiness. This isn't crowing about how awesome it is, its reality. An affair can be fun. To read this site all LS 's get the impression that all affairs are full of tragic women that are being used and waiting for married men to dump their wives which statistically we know happens very rarely.

 

People have affairs because they enjoy the experience. No man was sexually forced by the OW, or lead down the lane of by her man stealing power. He went there cause he wanted to and he liked it.

 

Cat, let me summarize your post in a way that might shed some light on the BS point of view here:

 

I beat my wife. It makes me happy. I am very discreet about it. Should I stop because society says it's wrong? Noone is forcing her to stay, so she must be happy too, right?

[MissBee]

It's as if they embrace the slogan "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Many of the rOW didn't get their man so now they relate to the BW who never fully gets her man back either. Still, that experience isn't a rounded experience which the OP of each thread in this forum is looking for.

 

Really?

 

Because no OW has ever broken it off with the MM because they wanted, no fOW here has actually had the MM leave to be with them but it still didn't work out, as relationships sometimes don't. Somehow...every fOW is very juvenile and of all the other men they've ever been with, where things didn't work out, they are somehow still hung up on a MM with whom it didn't work?

 

Yes seems legit and not at all a kind an opinion that comes from a very particular and also bizarre set of circumstances --- the OW who is not the OW anymore but for some reason is wedded to that "lifestyle" and caught up with it although supposedly not involved anymore.

 

A fOW who "didn't get her man" and so is supposedly like a BS because of this, seems oddly no less appealing than one who "didn't get her man" but is still invested in being an AP. Not to mention fOW who "got their man" but can never seem to have anything to offer to other married or dating people but seem to only enjoy talking about their relationship as it relates to it being an A...where it is pretty easy to forget that they are now open, as they seem so loyal to the A aspect that is over now.

 

Anyway, having been there makes perfect sense why for some it makes them not want others to be there.

[MissBee]

white - this is exactly why I posted the question. So many OW are here lamenting ever being in an affair and making it sound as though all OW are waitning for the day their MM leaves their wife for them. I did not have that experience. I don't believe that is the typical experience. I think there are many more then myself who had an affair and found some happiness. This isn't crowing about how awesome it is, its reality. An affair can be fun. To read this site all LS 's get the impression that all affairs are full of tragic women that are being used and waiting for married men to dump their wives which statistically we know happens very rarely.

 

People have affairs because they enjoy the experience. No man was sexually forced by the OW, or lead down the lane of by her man stealing power. He went there cause he wanted to and he liked it.

 

Mycat,

 

Can we have a frank and reasonable discussion?

 

Do you think that every OW who now wants out or is unhappy or who is way out of the A and doesn't care anymore was ALWAYS unhappy from day one? To answer my own own question, of course not! I think every last person who has been in any relationship, even abusive ones, got there because some aspect was enjoyable or fun.

 

I had a dalliance once with a taken guy, I don't consider it an A though, or myself his OW, as we weren't in a relationship and I had no feelings for him and expected nothing of him. We had sex and went out sometimes. That was it. It was great fun indeed. However, my real A, while enjoyable and fun and all that, I was also heavily emotionally invested and it was overtime as I fell inlove that it became complicated and not as fun and care free. This is what happens for many OW.

 

I was a single OW so my situation is different than of a MOW's, who has an even bigger complication. But truth and in fact, while I was not on a forum during any of my stints with taken men, if I were to be, it wouldn't have been while I was in the A where it was all fun and games. I had nothing to think about, share about, get advice on. We were having fun and having sex...it wasn't that complicated.

 

I am also not attempting to be rude, but I think there is a level of emotional immaturity present when people engage in potentially destructive things under the premise of fun/enjoyment/happiness. I don't doubt your fun and happiness, but again, reasonably speaking, has it not been proven in general life, that many destructive things were also things people found fun/felt good. LOTS of bad decisions happened because it seemed like a good idea or felt enjoyable...so I guess for me, I don't see the fun part as somehow an adequate reason. But I have BTDT, got the t-shirt, and I guess since I had no need to think about my fun that deeply, I cannot relate to those who come to the forum about their fun.

[White Flower]

I disagree with you on the competition thing, anytime there is a triangle there is competition. It might be unspoken and unacknowledged but I think it's there the majority of the time. Many stories on LS support this from the BS side and from the OW side. Most women no matter what side, don't want to admit it, because well.........who does want to admit it because it's not a nice quality. lol

I can even see it in my own story after I found out the man I dated for almost 2 years hadn't been separated at all because her and I came him in the dark for over a month that we were on to him. Stuff happened that I don't want to get into here, but it was there on both our parts, hers and mine.

Then we can agree to disagree. I have been very forthcoming with all of my feelings on this subject so I am not afraid to admit anything! You can check out my 6,000 posts to refute my claim if you have the time.

 

Whatever it takes to soothe yourself I suppose. I am glad my husband is person enough to make zero excuses and admit that affairs are selfish and destructive and just plain wrong.

Talk about soothing one's self.

Cat, let me summarize your post in a way that might shed some light on the BS point of view here:

 

I beat my wife. It makes me happy. I am very discreet about it. Should I stop because society says it's wrong? Noone is forcing her to stay, so she must be happy too, right?

The beating of the wife is not a secret to the wife so the analogy doesn't work here.

 

I am also not attempting to be rude, but I think there is a level of emotional immaturity present when people engage in potentially destructive things under the premise of fun/enjoyment/happiness. I don't doubt your fun and happiness, but again, reasonably speaking, has it not been proven in general life, that many destructive things were also things people found fun/felt good. LOTS of bad decisions happened because it seemed like a good idea or felt enjoyable...so I guess for me, I don't see the fun part as somehow an adequate reason. But I have BTDT, got the t-shirt, and I guess since I had no need to think about my fun that deeply, I cannot relate to those who come to the forum about their fun.

That was most certainly rude. I won't say all OW are emotionally mature, though most I personally know are, but to conflate the need for fun (and who are you to assume that one or any of the needs met in an A are purely just for kicks) as a need for the emotionally immature just doesn't stand.

[So happy together]

I don't dispute that you've been there; I dispute that many OW are on LS to "flaunt their affair". I don't think that stating your happiness about anything is necessarily flaunting.

 

I also dispute people taking things out of context, not that you did.

 

 

You know, I am definitely not here to flaunt my affair. However, I do feel some sort of duty to tell others that my affair is on the other side and we are okay. I know it doesn't happen for everyone but it happens more than people think.

 

In my mind it is all a matter of what you expect from the affair. Being realistic and being on the same page as your partner.

 

WF, I have followed your story for a while now. I think that you are very aware of your R, and you'll do what is best for you. I also think that, while you listen, you will take the advice you want and leave the rest. Good girl.

[AnotherRound]

You know, I am definitely not here to flaunt my affair. However, I do feel some sort of duty to tell others that my affair is on the other side and we are okay. I know it doesn't happen for everyone but it happens more than people think.

 

In my mind it is all a matter of what you expect from the affair. Being realistic and being on the same page as your partner.

 

WF, I have followed your story for a while now. I think that you are very aware of your R, and you'll do what is best for you. I also think that, while you listen, you will take the advice you want and leave the rest. Good girl.

 

Agree with both of you. I think it seems like "flaunting" to some because they are still too raw from their own hurt. And that always leads me back to why anyone would purposely read things that are going to hurt them - especially if they don't have the self-control to refrain from lashing out. I always feel WORSE if I act out and lash out - not better, so I have a really hard time understanding that. Of course there are those that don't feel ashamed or embarrassed after they lash out, so... there's that.

[MissBee]

Then we can agree to disagree. I have been very forthcoming with all of my feelings on this subject so I am not afraid to admit anything! You can check out my 6,000 posts to refute my claim if you have the time.

 

 

Talk about soothing one's self.

 

The beating of the wife is not a secret to the wife so the analogy doesn't work here.

 

That was most certainly rude. I won't say all OW are emotionally mature, though most I personally know are, but to conflate the need for fun (and who are you to assume that one or any of the needs met in an A are purely just for kicks) as a need for the emotionally immature just doesn't stand.

 

I'm sure you would think so.

 

Anyway I don't know the context in which you are responding; however, the post I was replying to was specifically speaking about fun and my comment therefore wasn't some random general comment, but with regard to that notion.

 

I also did not conflate the need for fun with emotionally immaturity. Emotionally mature people meet their need for fun in ways that aren't damaging to others, those who are emotionally immature do not seem to understand this concept and will argue ad nauseum about their "need" for "fun" and totally ignore the repercussions therein. The emotionally immature put their need for self-gratification above everything and seem not to understand why it is problematic to other people (and even themselves) and are very short-sighted in that regard. That's what many teenagers (who are understandably emotionally immature) do....have fun and think about the consequences later. Not all fun is equal and emotionally mature people know how to have fun that comes at low risk to themselves and the people they care about. Having a cocktail or two and having a DD is fun...having 10 and then getting behind the wheel of a car is irresponsible and if the person who did the latter tried to say "well I thought it was fun and who are you to determine that?" I'd say they are indeed emotionally immature and kind of foolish, and they need not agree with my assessment either.

 

The fun itself isn't the problem...HOW one goes about it and what one risks for it or what one ignores/doesn't take into consideration reveals one's level of emotional maturity.

Edited April 21, 2013 by MissBee

[White Flower]

You know, I am definitely not here to flaunt my affair. However, I do feel some sort of duty to tell others that my affair is on the other side and we are okay. I know it doesn't happen for everyone but it happens more than people think.

 

In my mind it is all a matter of what you expect from the affair. Being realistic and being on the same page as your partner.

 

WF, I have followed your story for a while now. I think that you are very aware of your R, and you'll do what is best for you. I also think that, while you listen, you will take the advice you want and leave the rest. Good girl.

Thank you Sohappytogether! I've been following your story too and I'm so happy you're together too.

[So happy together]

@WF- Don't these people (general) seem like they'd be so much FUN at a party?? Hey, let's dance!!' "No, I'll be over in the corner, hovering over my diet coke, judging you with rancor".

 

Yay!!!

[So happy together]

For the record, I think the analogies used (drunk driving, beating your wife) are ridiculous. WE have never physically harmed anyone, and quite honestly, we are a very minor part of why the BS hurts. Her husband cheated on her. We didn't.

 

If you are going to find an analogy, use something that is describes it properly. Like having two dogs, and petting one because it doesn't crap in your best pair of shoes every day.

[MissBee]

For the record, I think the analogies used (drunk driving, beating your wife) are ridiculous. WE have never physically harmed anyone, and quite honestly, we are a very minor part of why the BS hurts. Her husband cheated on her. We didn't.

 

If you are going to find an analogy, use something that is describes it properly. Like having two dogs, and petting one because it doesn't crap in your best pair of shoes every day.

 

 

This makes no sense.

 

I can only speak for myself, but my analogy was about what constitutes responsible fun and what doesn't and it works perfectly.

 

 

The dog analogy, LMAOOO I don't get it at all .

 

 

Anyway lets keep in mind in this case of mycat she is a MARRIED OW. If you are a single OW, your situation is NOT the same. She is hurting her own BS, although she is an OW too...so sorry, please let's keep it in perspective and not use "we".

[White Flower]

I'm sure you would think so.

 

Anyway I don't know the context in which you are responding; however, the post I was replying to was specifically speaking about fun and my comment therefore wasn't some random general comment, but with regard to that notion.

 

I also did not conflate the need for fun with emotionally immaturity. Emotionally mature people meet their need for fun in ways that aren't damaging to others, those who are emotionally immature do not seem to understand this concept and will argue ad nauseum about their "need" for "fun" and totally ignore the repercussions therein. The emotionally immature put their need for self-gratification above everything and seem not to understand why it is problematic to other people (and even themselves) and are very short-sighted in that regard. That's what many teenagers (who are understandably emotionally immature) do....have fun and think about the consequences later. Not all fun is equal and emotionally mature people know how to have fun that comes at low risk to themselves and the people they care about. Having a cocktail or two and having a DD is fun...having 10 and then getting behind the wheel of a car is irresponsible and if the person who did the latter tried to say "well I thought it was fun and who are you to determine that?" I'd say they are indeed emotionally immature and kind of foolish, and they need not agree with my assessment either.

 

The fun itself isn't the problem...HOW one goes about it and what one risks for it or what one ignores/doesn't take into consideration reveals one's level of emotional maturity.

 

The context of Mycat's post, if I understand her correctly, is that she wants to portray OW as people who actually enjoy their A at least some of the time whereas the BWs at LS enjoy seeing them in pain so they can help one more M in their quest to save all Ms as if all Ms are good.

 

Then you came along and seemed to go off on a tangent and focus on her statement about As being fun, and that only emotionally immature people, ie., APs are selfish and immature enough to equate having fun in an A sitch with being emotionally immature. Forgive me if I'm wrong but that's the way it came off. Your post did not really seem to focus on the context with which Mycat posted, it appeared to have been taken out of context.

 

Other than that more and more mental health professionals advise people to do what makes them happy, ie., have fun. Having fun is a good thing. Hope that statement doesn't get taken out of context.

Edited April 21, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[eleanorrigby]

 

Anyway lets keep in mind in this case of mycat she is a MARRIED OW. If you are a single OW, your situation is NOT the same. She is hurting her own BS, although she is an OW too...so sorry, please let's keep it in perspective and not use "we".

 

I think she meant "we" as in, "It was him that cheated on her, I never hurt her, I never made her any promises blah blah"