D-Day stories

[WakingUp]

I did this for 7 years - with the wife knowing and consenting in her own way. Eventually, their inaction and willingness to settle for this half relationship/marriage was something I didn't want to participate in any longer.

 

It wasn't about her or me or each of us vs each other for me. It was about the fact that I would never live in a situation as false as that - so, how could I assist the two of them in doing so? Not to mention, I felt so sorry for their children seeing as their role model for a relationship was so screwy. I just couldn't continue to help them live a half life, live a lie.

 

I think you get yourself out by realizing that. By realizing that the two of them are refusing to take action bc they are BOTH afraid - and not taking action out of fear to me is not respectable. It's not something I can admire or respect or participate in.

 

You will know when you have had "enough" of both of them holding on to something that neither really wants. It got to a point for me that it was literally disgusting - I could barely not roll my eyes when their marriage was mentioned bc of the joke that it was. Eventually, they admitted that too and separated and are now divorced - but it took them 10 years - 7 of those with me as a known OW. I just couldn't stomach it anymore...

 

Another Round and Jádore... Its still very early days for me in this new way of being... and I really don't like it at all. I would really like to discuss it more because Im finding it very difficult. My feelings are all over the place and Im very unhappy again. Should I start a new thread? Im a bit of a newbie here and cant pm.

[White Flower]

Another Round and Jádore... Its still very early days for me in this new way of being... and I really don't like it at all. I would really like to discuss it more because Im finding it very difficult. My feelings are all over the place and Im very unhappy again. Should I start a new thread? Im a bit of a newbie here and cant pm.

 

Yes! Start a new thread :-)

[heartinlove]

Heartinlove,

 

I know someone just addressed you and suggested that your MM is a spineless contradiction, etc., and in many ways he is but the reasons for that are not always understood on this board.

 

I post on another board where we get the perspective of all kinds of men whether they be SOM, MOM, MM, etc., and in an atmosphere of nonjudgment where it's completely safe for a man to post honestly we often get to hear why these men are so "spineless".

 

Thanks Whiteflower for you comments. They are very appreciated. I too believe that when he chooses love and happiness, only then will we have a chance. I am used to on this board the knee jerk reaction of MM being spineless. I am curious. What is the other board?

 

 

LadyGrey. I completely understand your perspective and if I was on the outside looking in, I may have the same one.

 

The last d-day was a year and a half ago. Over a several month period he told her multiple times that he wanted to leave. Each time she convinced him to stay and he did out of fear and wanting to do the right thing even though his heart was never in it. The last time he said he wanted to leave, she went into a level of pain that truly shook him to his core. He was very very traumatized by the pain she was in and he is scared to recreate any version of that and how that could ultimately affect their children. She has wanted him to stay no matter what. Right now they have managed to keep their unhappy marriage from the children so they think for the most part. For the last year and a half, he has been working up the courage to leave. He is so afraid of a truly ugly divorce. And lets all be honest. We all have heard enough horror stories to know that they do happen so it is a valid fear when there are real children involved. And if you believe it will be an ugly divorce, how does a man find the courage to choose his own happiness. That is the essential question here. He is in fact a very good man.

 

As to your point that he is causing a lot of pain. He is fully aware of that and it is an odd contradiction that his fear of causing pain is probably causing more pain in the long run.

 

I at this point am out of it. I like anotherround said, do not believing in living and choosing life out of fear, and I just cant keep enabling this situation, no matter how much I empathize with him. I don’t want to be a part of their toxic and what I see as fear based marriage.

 

I believe in living an authentic life and that life works out the best for everyone his wife and kids included when decisions come from that space. I come from a childhood where parents stayed together for children and it was an awful choice.

 

Im not willing to stay in it as it has caused me tremendous pain. I take responsibility for my part in all of it though as I have chosen to stay connected because I love this man with all of my heart and being and I know that he loves me the same as well and I truly can not imagine my life without him.

 

I have given him space to decide what kind of life he will choose and I hope he chooses an authentic and happy one for himself, whatever that looks like. I love him enough to let him go. I am giving myself space to heal as well. I am normally an emotionally healthy person, and I know I deserve love and need to let him choose on his own what path he will take. Easier said than done though when he and I both feel we truly belong together.

[AnotherRound]

WOW' date=' god forbid .................. (((you made me cry))))/ MM told me he would wait until the youngest was finished in school and could not bear the thought of what would happen then. Am I really going to have to go before that??[/quote']

 

Well - you don't HAVE to do anything. You can stay if you choose. I will tell you this, less than a year after I ended it with exMM he and his now exW were in the process of a divorce. His now exW has told him, and others, on multiple occasions, that I had I continued on, they would "probably still be married just carrying on as always". Because we were a tripod - and without my support (and the lack of drama that I brought to them and their sham marriage) - they were imbalanced (as they had been for a long time) and it all fell down around them. It only worked for as long as it did bc each of us had our part and when you took away one of those - it crumbled.

 

My exMM and his exW were both going to stay until their children were out of the house and in college. That was quite a ways off as his youngest is 15 now. But, as soon as I removed myself, and they were left with only each other (among other reasons, exMM did try to move on but his next OW was cray cray! lol) - and with all the drama, and with everyone knowing (new OW was NOT discreet at all, as she went ballistic when exMM tried to end it with her bc of her behaviors and she just escalated to a level of crazy that got her hospitalized against her will, put into jail, and under several restraining orders) - their facade was broken and their situation was evident to everyone around them, and finally, to them.

 

Their children are doing fantastic (thankfully!) and are actually better off since the divorce. Of course, they were both holding out for their children, but now realize that they should have (looking at the way it played out) divorced ages ago, and everyone is at peace with the situation.

 

But yes - as long as you are there to support that third side of the tripod - they will probably carry on. Why wouldn't they? Everyone has what they want (mostly) and what they need (mostly) - and that sure seems a lot safer than divorcing - of course, divorce is probably the "best" thing - or getting their relationship back on track and reconciling (if they even can, that is rarely successful, esp with years of resentment and distance) - but somebody has to do something, imo. Someone has to throw it off the track a bit or everyone just keeps cruising along, no matter how sad, or how fake the marriage is - they have investments there that they don't want to give up or lose. It's happiness with you vs. unhappiness but with a house, the kids, finances, families, etc. etc. etc.

 

I didn't mean to make you cry! And, it may not work that way in your situation - but it certainly did in mine. I was helping them (both of them, not just exMM) portray the life they wanted to portray to their children and everyone else, but underneath, it was all a sham. We all knew it - but as long as I helped them keep up the appearance, all was good (esp for the exW, she benefited the most honestly).

 

I would guess that if you take yourself out of the situation - their marriage will limp along for a minute - but I would almost bet (if it's anything like exMMs and his exWs) that it would crumble pretty quickly without your support.

 

In the end, it's up to you. If you want to help them keep it up - and you're happy, and all are aware - that's your call. But it sounds like you know, deep down, that you are enabling them - both of them, and at the end of the day, you have to decide if you are okay with enabling people to live a sham and present a fairy tale (to the world and to themselves, at least pretend fairy tale).

[merrmeade]

Well since it is argued here plenty that people only come looking for forums when they are unhappy or needing help you might want to hold off on that judgment.

 

Seriously though, I do want to caution that while yes we are together, and are married, it can be a very long, hard, bumpy road to get to this point. And this point is not an end point but just a beginning that needs a healthy foundation. It also took me walking away. But he paid for us heavily and will continue paying the price for years to come. ...

 

Relationships are tough even on the best of terms. What dMM and I agree on is the affair showed us the good and the bad of the other party and how much we continued to actively love each other each day and invest in our relationship. Starting as an affair was not ideal and we have done both IC and CC to help us. And we recognize and know the pain we caused others.

 

I love him, I love him more than I ever could imagine. He is just beautiful to me. And I know how much he loves and adores me. But I also know that it came with a price. And that really does temper things.

 

HopingAgain

I probably could have written this word for word! Main difference is I am the former WS in that scenario, currently BS in new marriage with former OM.

Eeeuuuuw - I'm kinda shocked and embarrassed for them... Not sure why. Just seems so -- foggy!

[Silly_Girl]

HopingAgain

 

Eeeuuuuw - I'm kinda shocked and embarrassed for them... Not sure why. Just seems so -- foggy!

 

Shocked and embarrassed? For GotIt? I am positive you don't need to be.

 

Is there something you want to share with the group?

[Got it]

I am as well. Really doesn't need anyone to take on that level of responsibility.

 

But what do I know, still bumping around in this darn fog.

 

On a side note, must say having a fantastic weekend, preparing a house for sale, took the kids to see the new house again, and everyone is picking out colors and design ideas for their rooms, and had a great dinner last night, everyone laying around with the pets, and kids asking if I am going to bake again (I bake a lot). Just by being me I am pulling the kids into the foggy state, I see my evil plan is working already. *cue cackling*

 

Yep just a regular old weekend in this foggy area where everyone is miserable, no one knows what they are doing, and life is ending as we know it.

 

But I will be reminded we just haven't dealt with real life yet, no laundry, bill paying, house selling/buying, pet care, house care, kids, . . . . what is it again? Oh right, skid marks in underwear and being brought a glass of water! That is true, I haven't the privilege of those two experiences. I am definitely dealing with a fantasy world.

[White Flower]

I am as well. Really doesn't need anyone to take on that level of responsibility.

 

But what do I know, still bumping around in this darn fog.

 

On a side note, must say having a fantastic weekend, preparing a house for sale, took the kids to see the new house again, and everyone is picking out colors and design ideas for their rooms, and had a great dinner last night, everyone laying around with the pets, and kids asking if I am going to bake again (I bake a lot). Just by being me I am pulling the kids into the foggy state, I see my evil plan is working already. *cue cackling*

 

Yep just a regular old weekend in this foggy area where everyone is miserable, no one knows what they are doing, and life is ending as we know it.

 

But I will be reminded we just haven't dealt with real life yet, no laundry, bill paying, house selling/buying, pet care, house care, kids, . . . . what is it again? Oh right, skid marks in underwear and being brought a glass of water! That is true, I haven't the privilege of those two experiences. I am definitely dealing with a fantasy world.

Lol, some of us dealt with that without the benefit of M and still loved our guy. Maybe he isn't coming back just "to water my garden" after all.

[cocorico]

what is it again? Oh right, skid marks in underwear and being brought a glass of water! That is true, I haven't the privilege of those two experiences. I am definitely dealing with a fantasy world.

 

Gosh, all these years of M and still no skidmarks! Curse this persistent fog! Maybe I should ask him to abandon his personal hygiene and learn to act disgustingly like a "real" WS to dispel the fog?