lostlove Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and feel my husband has been cheating on me. I will try to make it short. My husband came to me over a year and a half ago telling me he needed more attention and affection. At the time I ignored him and did not pay it any attention. He works in an office of mostly women. My intuition recently told me something was wrong (coming home late) so I decided to do some snooping. I got an itemized list of his cell phone calls. There were calls to one individual on a daily basis. I questioned him about it and he said it was a coworker and they were talking about work. I know who she is. Well, they also talk on Sat and Sunday, at times when I am around. I must be outside or in the shower. They talk early in the morning, at lunch and after work and sometimes in the evening. He said she is having problems in her marriage . That her husband is crazy and a drug addict, which girls in the office did confirm. I also called one of his co workers and told her I thought he had a girlfriend. Well, she said yes he did and it has been going on for about a year. These women though that he works with are ruthless, nosy bitches. They are always in everyones business. They recently got my husband fired from his job, they had said because of explicit emails to this girl and poor work performance. She did not get fired but got a written warning. I do not know who to believe them or my husband. He says they are only friends and that sometimes they go out to lunch as well. He claims there has been no touching, kissing or sex. He says he is completly turned on by me, that looks wise I blow her away, and there is no comparison to us. He said she has flabby thighs, pot belly, roots showing thru her blond hair, but probably to convince me he is not interested in her physically. I have seen her and she isn't his type, but I would not describe her that way. He still on a regular basis, over the past year, tried to have sex with me, and I have refused him. Well, now that I realize he may have a girlfriend, this has really opened up my eyes. I have been giving him constant, attention, affection and sex. I love him and don't want to lose him. He says he wants to be with me, however I feel he is still communicating with her. He admitted he is but is cutting down on thier phone conversations. He has even agreed to go over next months bill with me, but they could be communicating another way. He claims they are just friends and he will not completely cut her off. I am trying to make my marriage work but don't trust him at all. Do you think he is cheating or telling half truths? He says as long as I give him affection and attention, everything will be fine. What do you all think? Thanks for all your help Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted September 17, 2004 Share Posted September 17, 2004 I am so sorry that you have to deal with this..........(been there done that) Just keep in mind it ......it is easier to tell a lie than the truth..... good luck...... Link to post Share on other sites
ozziegirl Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 Men crave affection and attention. My husband begged me for more attention seven years ago, and I recently found out he had an affair during the time that he was begging for more attention from me. I was unwilling to give him the attention he needed because we were having some disagreements that were real issues for me. Now I regret not being mature enough to recognize his needs. I am, however, extremely angry that he chose to violate our marriage vows to selfishly fulfill his need for attention. Your husband needs to put his marriage first and cut off communication with this other woman. He needs to do it so that you can build the trust you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 I think that as long as you give him attention and affection that things will probably be just fine. I also think that out of respect for you he should cut off contact with his "friend." If she is a true friend she will understand that it is a good thing for him to cut off contact and will be supportive of having no further contact with him. What is wrong with seeking attention and affection from ones spouse? I don't recall ever seeing marriage vows that explicitly say that it is okay to have an affair if your spouse isn't giving you attention and affection but then again I've never seen marriage vows that instruct one to with hold attention and affection because there are issues in the marriage. I don't understand how removing one important aspect of a marriage is going to contribute to resolving any other issues within the marriage real or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Paradise Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 You need to tell him that all he need is you and not other female friends for love & affection. Let him know that you will give him that but he needs to do the same. Isn’t that how it suppose to be? Link to post Share on other sites
prinkle Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 just been through this i thought my husband was cheating there was the hiding the mobile thing and my gut instinct always trust that hun if this nagging feeling just wont go away then do something about it please i went on and on for 2 weeks till i got the answers i didnt want but least i knew and didnt think i was going mad Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 It wouldn't matter if she was 600 pounds and had a hairy back-if she was willing to blow him when you're pushing him away, they probably had sex. This being said, it doesn't sound like it's too late to save your relationship. If the friendship bothers you, his WIFE, then he needs to stop it. You come first. Just try to put him first this time around too. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 I'm so sorry that you have to be going through this. I would tell your husband these feelings you've been having. If his friendship or whatever with this woman is really bothering you, I don't think that he should have a problem calling it quits with her unless something really is going on between them. His verbal bashing of her physical appearance would concern me. I've found in the past the more defensive they get and the more they deny something, the more likely it is that they're lying about it. Maybe you should arrange for all three of you to go out together sometime. See how they act around each other. There would definately be some akwardness is something was going on between them. Hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 Are there other issues in your marriage? I am assuming so because you said you refused sex with your husband for a year and didn't pay him attention, etc... Why would you refuse sex with him for a year and not pay him attention if you were totally happy in your marriage? A normal marriage consists of you WANTING to have sex with him and shower him with love and affection. Work out your other issues with your husband so that you WANT to have sex with him. Don't have sex with him and show him affection because you're afraid he's going to leave you. That's not right. It has to be genuine to count. Work on your issues and maybe you'll be able to pull your marriage back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostlove Posted September 20, 2004 Author Share Posted September 20, 2004 In response to your comments, I really don't know why I wasn't interested sexually. I think it may have been a medical problem. I am totally turned on by him in every way, except the fact that I think he is not telling me the whole truth, which hinders my ability to give him complete attention and affection. But I am really sexually turned on now, I always want sex, I don't understand what has changed, but am happy I am back to normal sexually. This change actually happened before I thought he was cheating. I do think there was/is something sexual going on, but he would never, ever admit it. I even told him if he did I would forgive him, which I will, but I desperatly need to know the truth. I can't eat, sleep or function at my job because I am constantly in fear of them secretly meeting or talking. I cheated on my last husband. I never told him but I left him out of guilt and remorse for it and I swore I would never do that to anyone again. I couldn't live with myself. My husband never seems to let me forget about my past cheating. My husband still carries his cell around with him. He said it is because he does not want me calling her. She won't answer her cell if she doesn't recognize the number, so he thinks I will try to call from his cell if he leaves it laying around. I have her cell and home number, from the bill. If I wanted to I could call her anyway, however at this time I have no intention of doing that. He still talks to her but he says it is because he is trying to find out whats going on at work. He tells me when they talk, which seems to be on a daily basis still during the week, as far as I know. I don't understand why he won't tell me if I say I will forgive him if he has cheated. I keep thinking it is because he doesn't want to end it with her, if they really are having an affair. And if he really wants to be with me, why won't he stop calling her. And I could never go out with them both, I would want to kill her. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostlove Posted September 20, 2004 Author Share Posted September 20, 2004 Prinkle-Are you and your husband still married and did he admit to the affair? Jilly-I have told him again and again. He says they are friends and it is not fair that he cut her completly off. Thjen why all the secrecy? Mr. Spock- I hope your right. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 Even if they are just "friends", I'm sorry but your spouse comes first. It's not fair to YOU that you have to be going through all this and he should understand that completely. If he says he still talks to her to find out what's going on at work, can't he talk to someone else? About forgiving him if he told you that he was having an affair? He probably thinks that you're just saying that to get him to confess. At least that's what I would think if I were him. If your marriage is going to fall apart because of this "friendship", you could give him an ultimatum and have him choose. Just be sure you're willing to accept what his answer is either way. Link to post Share on other sites
prinkle Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 lost love.....well i found out 3 weeks ago...i knew it was going on though liek i said womens intuition...it was going on for 2 months..he finally told me after weeks of going on made him feel guilty..what a shame hey..anywyas we are still married taking one day at a time to rebiuild this marriage but i take one day at a time and i do more stuff for me now..i am amking a life for myself incase this happens again as you newver know.....so if that day comes i am both mentally and physically prepared....good luck hun Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostlove Posted September 20, 2004 Author Share Posted September 20, 2004 Prinkle, I hope all goes well with you and your husband. I hope he has learned his lesson and will be faithful to you. It sounds like you found out in time. I think mine has been doing it for over a year, I just hope my intuition is wrong since he won't admit to anything. I would rather know the truth than not know...always wondering is the worst feeling ever. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
prinkle Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 lost love.....not having such a good day today he said he would txt me at dinner never bothered then he said he would ring didnt bother i rang him he says he is at work..which he more likely is he takes his work very seriously but this is killing me im trying so hard but this nagging feeling is killing me i dont know if i can stand it...is it really worth it or should i just give up now..i wish there was a easy answer to this i know there isnt i dont want to be a paranoid cow but he has done this to me and i hate it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 I know how you feel prinkle....I'm pondering whether I should give up on a relationship too. Although it's not as serious as a husband, it's the first real relationship I've tried to have since me and my ex broke up. How many times does a person need to be screwed over before they give up? I feel for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostlove Posted September 22, 2004 Author Share Posted September 22, 2004 Prinkle, I am sorry you are not having a good day, i know exactly how you feel. It is even more difficult when you do not know what is REALLY going on. Why weren't you having dinner together, because he is at work?? I would be alittle concerned that he is not keeping his promise to you to text and call, especially when he is aware of your concerns. When you don't hear from him I know you imagine all sorts of scenarios in your head. When you call him, how does he react? Does he sound mad or agitated when you call, or does he sound busy and preccupied with his job? If you have the money you could hire a PI, then you would know for certain. Only you can know if it is worth staying with him. I list the pros of staying and the cons of leaving, to help me with my decisions in my marriage and even in my life choices. You both have to want to make it work, just one person working towards the relationship I don't feel will be successful. You can never really forgive, but you can move forward and try to forget. Do you know who this person is and if they still communicate? keep us posted and try to be positive! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 My husband came to me over a year and a half ago telling me he needed more attention and affection. At the time I ignored him and did not pay it any attention. Hmmm..."How to Force Your Spouse Into An Affair in 1 Easy Step". Listen UP, boys and girls alike!!! When your spouse comes to you and asks for more attention, give it!!! And be grateful your spouse gave you a chance before becoming desperate and taking a step that you both may live to regret. Before you all pile into me...both parties share blame. Of course. But just be aware that if your marriage chronically fails to meet your spouse's most important needs, the ones that he/she is begging for your help with, be they sex, attention, affection, support, etc., your marriage is at risk. And you can't say later that you "never saw it coming". Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostlove Posted September 23, 2004 Author Share Posted September 23, 2004 Soulmate, I agree. I was stupid and selfish. All I can do is hope that it is not too late. However trust is a issue now. I hate to be asking everyday if he talked to her and wondering all day long if their meeting up somewhere to screw. Men will lie and lie and lie unless you have concrete evidence like seeing with your own eyes or photos from a PI. Right Spock? I know in my heart they had sexual relations and that is something that is difficult for me to deal with on a daily basis. I only pray that it does not continue. What hurts is not only the lies but the physical act itself. And I agree, I am 90% to blame, but looking back is not going to help me know. I am trying to move forward and hope I am not being made a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 23, 2004 Share Posted September 23, 2004 Please try http://www.marriagebuilders.com, and also counselling. Is he interested in putting your marriage back together? If so, then there is hope. But he has to cut off all contact with the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostlove Posted September 23, 2004 Author Share Posted September 23, 2004 He says he wants to stay together but will not cut off all contact with her because he says they are just friends. So since I have no real evidence except the cell bill that they have been communicating, I have to take his word for it that they did not have sex. I don't think counseling is for us and I know he would not agree to it anyway. Besides he recently lost his job and we couldn't afford it anyway. But I will check out the site. Thanks for the info Link to post Share on other sites
prinkle Posted September 24, 2004 Share Posted September 24, 2004 lostlove....i know that when he is working with the bosses he cant really text or call they get a bit pissed off..he explained that to me and always trys to text when he can..i do know that they ar like that just doesnt make it any easier....that night i went on and on he says it doesnt make it easier when i keep reminding him of what he has done to us all..he says he doesnt forget and is deeply sorry..i will never forget i know that..he is being more attentive towards me ..and tries really hard he says he is not in contact with her but she will be at his martial arts class on a sunday but i know how long it takes him to get back and he said he will tell me if she says anything....but he also knows she will only phone me and tell me like she did once...anyway...she asked him to go and see her she said she was really ill and if he didnt she would ring me..well anyways he was on her way to her and he told her that and whilst he was on his way she rang me anyway ..i told him that she had every intantion of ringing me anyway she just wanted to hurt him like he hurt her..but what did she expect hey..as far as iknow they have had no contact,he has been spending all his time with me when not at work...i cant run round chasing him, i see it as if he is going to do it he will..wether i follow him around liek a lost sheep or not..which i am not going to do i am working on me making me whole again....he says he wants us to work and be happy again ...time will tell...im going to make myself proud ..i have my kick boxong now which is great and i am going to go all the way with it for me ... Link to post Share on other sites
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