Attracting guys with baggage all the time!

[jessibella]

Hi all, I am new here and not sure if someone have ever posted this question before. If they did, I am so sorry to repeat this. I need help. Please because I need an answer.

 

To start off, I am still single at 27 and never had a real relationship (or sex) before. I am considerably good looking & make heads turn (not trying to be shallow). The problem is, I always end up being the "guy" friend to all my male friends. They come to me for advise and happily end up getting married to someone else. Another problem is, whoever likes me or I like them ends up miraculously marrying someone else. Shocking but true. Too many to name coincidence.

 

I recently ended a relationship which I didn't feel anything and that is because it happened out of pity (scold me for that). That guy had major issues with himself. He was so insecure of himself it was ruining my happiness cos of his suspicions no matter how much I tell him I am only seeing him exclusively. And than few months after the break up, I met a guy and he was a narcissist. I don't want to elaborate so you should know what kinda guy was he.

 

NOW, when I thought I found a normal nice guy who shares the same view, values, interest (yes, that's quite a rare thing and I was excited), something happened. Before that, he told me that if he would, he would like to marry a girl like me who shares the view. I was flattered because I didn't expect that at all. And so we started messaging more for few days until something very familiar dropped on my path: He likes a girl who is already attached to someone overseas and he can't seem to forget her because he misses her so much. They are dating but nothing serious. I was dumbfounded and being the nice person here, I hear what he had to say. You see, I am all ears if need be whether friends or enemies.

 

But seriously, is there something wrong with me? My Mom have also commented how I have so many guy friends but they're all married to someone else. Seriously, what is wrong here?

[Treasa]

I was dumbfounded and being the nice person here, I hear what he had to say. You see, I am all ears if need be whether friends or enemies.

 

Stop doing this. I'm willing to bet that guys can sense that you really want to be in a relationship, and that you're willing to be the backup for them whenever they want. You're too accessible and giving. Don't give unless it's a guy who treats you just as well and is just as into you.

 

Unless you like being the one they all go to when they want to cry about other women. I've done that with some of my friends, but it's the male friends I'd never consider dating.

[AKisBaked]

You should post a picture of how you look. This is thread is worthless without pictures

[jessibella]

You should post a picture of how you look. This is thread is worthless without pictures

 

I am trying to be on low profile here esp since Google shows almost anything.

[jessibella]

Stop doing this. I'm willing to bet that guys can sense that you really want to be in a relationship, and that you're willing to be the backup for them whenever they want. You're too accessible and giving. Don't give unless it's a guy who treats you just as well and is just as into you.

 

Unless you like being the one they all go to when they want to cry about other women. I've done that with some of my friends, but it's the male friends I'd never consider dating.

 

You are so right. I think I should stop doing just that. It makes a lot of sense now.

[AKisBaked]

I am trying to be on low profile here esp since Google shows almost anything.

 

then you should PM me;)

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi jessibella and welcome to LS. Sometimes a few bad experiences seem like some kind of bigger curse. Try not to "project" or engage in what amounts to superstition. You are at a very tough point in a life--where you're still partly governed or attached to values of the group you grew up in, socially, in school, and like everyone you probably think that 30 is old. There comes a point where if you're bright you'll reconcile with the fact that the past doesn't matter and you're just entering the period where you build the real adult identity that you'll have going forward. There are lots of hard knocks even for good-looking people. I had my crises in my late 20's when the girl i lived with left me. I woke up to my faults in why that happened and changed everything about myself--doing daring social things whereas before I was shy. Have faith that you're not cursed or damned somehow and that your misfortunes may not be because you're doing anything wrong. Sometimes you just meet nothing but people half in and out of relationships with someone else. That's how it it. I urge thinking about what would make you feel like a success even without anyone else and being the best at it you can. Pick something that gets you exposure to lots of people and seek to lead so that you attract guys that admire who you are and not just what you look like. And if you are successful and confident that you'll land on your feet without them, that puts a guy in a position of feeling like he's got someone special. There is so much to learn. It has barely started for you. In 30 years older than you. I'm so different than I was at 27 because I was still part kid and not a resigned adult.

[2betex]

Hi all, I am new here and not sure if someone have ever posted this question before. If they did, I am so sorry to repeat this. I need help. Please because I need an answer.

 

To start off, I am still single at 27 and never had a real relationship (or sex) before. I am considerably good looking & make heads turn (not trying to be shallow). The problem is, I always end up being the "guy" friend to all my male friends. They come to me for advise and happily end up getting married to someone else. Another problem is, whoever likes me or I like them ends up miraculously marrying someone else. Shocking but true. Too many to name coincidence.

 

I recently ended a relationship which I didn't feel anything and that is because it happened out of pity (scold me for that). That guy had major issues with himself. He was so insecure of himself it was ruining my happiness cos of his suspicions no matter how much I tell him I am only seeing him exclusively. And than few months after the break up, I met a guy and he was a narcissist. I don't want to elaborate so you should know what kinda guy was he.

 

NOW, when I thought I found a normal nice guy who shares the same view, values, interest (yes, that's quite a rare thing and I was excited), something happened. Before that, he told me that if he would, he would like to marry a girl like me who shares the view. I was flattered because I didn't expect that at all. And so we started messaging more for few days until something very familiar dropped on my path: He likes a girl who is already attached to someone overseas and he can't seem to forget her because he misses her so much. They are dating but nothing serious. I was dumbfounded and being the nice person here, I hear what he had to say. You see, I am all ears if need be whether friends or enemies.

 

But seriously, is there something wrong with me? My Mom have also commented how I have so many guy friends but they're all married to someone else. Seriously, what is wrong here?

 

Wow, sounds familiar to me...

 

I had tons of "girl" friends when I was in the 20's... Just like you mention. The proverbial nice guy..., I was used as a stepping stone for them..

 

Because of peer pressure and the want to be in a relationship. Many felt the need to be married. If it makes you fell better some of my old friends now they regret their decision they made at your age.

 

Any person who uses another as a "tool for leaning on" is not someone you would want in the long run anyhow...

 

So hang in there, just remember to take notice to the traits that you are fully aware of and stop it when you start to question it. I am no therapist but I lived your issue for quite a while.. I am not a narcissist but I am a good guy.

 

Remember that you control this and being attractive and nice, and by the sounds of it a bit naïve, thing can easily go awry... If you do not pay attention.

 

hope this helps..

[xpaperxcutx]

When you are too giving and too nice, people can see these honorable traits of yours and try to use and manipulate you.

 

The problem isn't that you're attracting them, it's the fact you're willing placing in a position to be " used". My best advice is for you to keep your good qualities but at the same time avoid being so vulnerable and naive. You can be an attractive person with the best qualities but you have to also have a guard up and not be so trusting of every guy that comes your way.

 

And don't be a pushover. Don't allow others to dictate and call the shots, like that guy telling you he's still seeing his ex but telling you that it's going to be okay. Internally, it's not okay for you. Your feelings do count in these matters and if they are telling to stop! Wait a minute I don't want a guy who still an ex in his life... you walk. Remember, once you respect yourself, others will learn to respect you as well.

[jessibella]

Hi jessibella and welcome to LS. Sometimes a few bad experiences seem like some kind of bigger curse. Try not to "project" or engage in what amounts to superstition. You are at a very tough point in a life--where you're still partly governed or attached to values of the group you grew up in, socially, in school, and like everyone you probably think that 30 is old. There comes a point where if you're bright you'll reconcile with the fact that the past doesn't matter and you're just entering the period where you build the real adult identity that you'll have going forward. There are lots of hard knocks even for good-looking people. I had my crises in my late 20's when the girl i lived with left me. I woke up to my faults in why that happened and changed everything about myself--doing daring social things whereas before I was shy. Have faith that you're not cursed or damned somehow and that your misfortunes may not be because you're doing anything wrong. Sometimes you just meet nothing but people half in and out of relationships with someone else. That's how it it. I urge thinking about what would make you feel like a success even without anyone else and being the best at it you can. Pick something that gets you exposure to lots of people and seek to lead so that you attract guys that admire who you are and not just what you look like. And if you are successful and confident that you'll land on your feet without them, that puts a guy in a position of feeling like he's got someone special. There is so much to learn. It has barely started for you. In 30 years older than you. I'm so different than I was at 27 because I was still part kid and not a resigned adult.

 

I guess the confidence I have on myself is low and now I realise I shouldnt play a second fiddle to someone. I must be confident. Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate your time to write this.

[jessibella]

Wow, sounds familiar to me...

 

I had tons of "girl" friends when I was in the 20's... Just like you mention. The proverbial nice guy..., I was used as a stepping stone for them..

 

Because of peer pressure and the want to be in a relationship. Many felt the need to be married. If it makes you fell better some of my old friends now they regret their decision they made at your age.

 

Any person who uses another as a "tool for leaning on" is not someone you would want in the long run anyhow...

 

So hang in there, just remember to take notice to the traits that you are fully aware of and stop it when you start to question it. I am no therapist but I lived your issue for quite a while.. I am not a narcissist but I am a good guy.

 

Remember that you control this and being attractive and nice, and by the sounds of it a bit naïve, thing can easily go awry... If you do not pay attention.

 

hope this helps..

 

Thank you for your time to reply. I WILL not be the substitute. The problem with me is I try to please everyone and I am not benefiting half the time. It may also appear as being desperate as well. I should be more mysterious and flirty. A lot to learn from this. I am not here to fix anyone but to except a man who is strong. Not with someone who has unsettled issues.

[jessibella]

When you are too giving and too nice, people can see these honorable traits of yours and try to use and manipulate you.

 

The problem isn't that you're attracting them, it's the fact you're willing placing in a position to be " used". My best advice is for you to keep your good qualities but at the same time avoid being so vulnerable and naive. You can be an attractive person with the best qualities but you have to also have a guard up and not be so trusting of every guy that comes your way.

 

And don't be a pushover. Don't allow others to dictate and call the shots, like that guy telling you he's still seeing his ex but telling you that it's going to be okay. Internally, it's not okay for you. Your feelings do count in these matters and if they are telling to stop! Wait a minute I don't want a guy who still an ex in his life... you walk. Remember, once you respect yourself, others will learn to respect you as well.

 

Thank you for your reply! I truly appreciate it. And like you said, I must respect myself enough to walk away from something I don't feel right. Being too nice is not helping me. I always end up accommodating and it doesn't make me happy. I need to stop that NOW. Thank you once again!

[Archgirl]

If Treasa's assessment isn't true, or even if it is (because the one way to attract needy guys desperate for someone to fix them is to be desperate and needy yourself), you still have to consider the dating market.

 

If you think about it, after you are of an age where more people in the same age bracket are married/having LTR's, the majority of single guys at any given time are likely to be the long term single - mostly because of being disfunctional in some way and a handful because they prefer it or are just getting back into dating after their BU and so aren't looking for anything serious.

 

A much smaller number of guys on the market are the stable, emotionally mature type who are looking for their next partner.

 

So it's basically a numbers game if a relationship is what you are after.

 

If you've examined yourself, your patterns and your behaviour then just keep at it til you find one of the few good ones. And once you do, take it easy, enjoy getting to know each other instead of wanting an instant serious committed relationship. It's meant to be fun!

[Woodpigeon]

Well, in my opinion as a guy there's no such thing as being 'too nice'. When I was younger, say, 18-ish, I got rejected a few times because I was being 'too nice' and I felt horrible.

 

But then I got a little older and while I'm far from confident about myself now, I am sure that there is no such thing as being 'too nice'. It always struck me as the weirdest thing to say too another person, let alone to give it as a reason not to be with someone. How can one be too kind, too gentle?

 

It's the most underrated quality in another person. Kindness. Would you ever want to be with someone who hasn't got a gentle heart? It's the most important thing there is in another human being. The rest is only noise.

 

I guess I'm not very helpful here, but I thought another opinion might be good. If you are truly kind; be proud. There aren't a lot of kind people out there, and I'm still struggling to be one.

 

It's the most important quality someone can have.

 

edit: also; you are 27 years old. That's not 'too late' by any means.

Edited April 22, 2013 by Woodpigeon

[2betex]

A much smaller number of guys on the market are the stable, emotionally mature type who are looking for their next partner.

 

So it's basically a numbers game if a relationship is what you are after.

 

If you've examined yourself, your patterns and your behaviour then just keep at it til you find one of the few good ones. And once you do, take it easy, enjoy getting to know each other instead of wanting an instant serious committed relationship. It's meant to be fun!

 

I have to agree with this.. I was in a LTR 20 years plus, we came to the conclusion we could not continue in the same pattern we both were creating. We are still very close and discuss what we did wrong and what we did right.. On a continual basis... We both are very good/nice people.. However, if and when I start a new relationship it is going to be with someone I know and have known for a while....

 

Although the "spark" of instant attraction is great for a while, typically is does not work in the long run., get by the instant attraction thing, and go for the solid supporting ...unconditional... Put yourself out there but guard your heart and feelings.

 

Be strong... but not cold.. A big difference..

[pbjbear]

Stop acting like a doormat and youll have better results.

 

We tolerate the kind of love we think we deserve.

 

Clearly you dont feel you deserve better and are willing to stick around for these guys.

[2betex]

Stop acting like a doormat and youll have better results.

 

We tolerate the kind of love we think we deserve.

 

Clearly you dont feel you deserve better and are willing to stick around for these guys.

 

I agree that this is generally true.. However unfortunate it can be, unless it is recognized... and dealt with...

[LeGenDary_Man]

To start off, I am still single at 27 and never had a real relationship (or sex) before. I am considerably good looking & make heads turn (not trying to be shallow). The problem is, I always end up being the "guy" friend to all my male friends. They come to me for advise and happily end up getting married to someone else. Another problem is, whoever likes me or I like them ends up miraculously marrying someone else. Shocking but true. Too many to name coincidence.

This indicates that you are decent and helpful. You should be proud of yourself.

 

I recently ended a relationship which I didn't feel anything and that is because it happened out of pity (scold me for that). That guy had major issues with himself. He was so insecure of himself it was ruining my happiness cos of his suspicions no matter how much I tell him I am only seeing him exclusively. And than few months after the break up, I met a guy and he was a narcissist. I don't want to elaborate so you should know what kinda guy was he.

 

NOW, when I thought I found a normal nice guy who shares the same view, values, interest (yes, that's quite a rare thing and I was excited), something happened. Before that, he told me that if he would, he would like to marry a girl like me who shares the view. I was flattered because I didn't expect that at all. And so we started messaging more for few days until something very familiar dropped on my path: He likes a girl who is already attached to someone overseas and he can't seem to forget her because he misses her so much. They are dating but nothing serious. I was dumbfounded and being the nice person here, I hear what he had to say. You see, I am all ears if need be whether friends or enemies.

 

But seriously, is there something wrong with me? My Mom have also commented how I have so many guy friends but they're all married to someone else. Seriously, what is wrong here?

Stop giving too much attention to men in general and stop hanging out with lot of men as well. From your disclosure, it seems that you (mainly) socialize with men and this gives them wrong cues about you.

 

Here is a clue about male psyche:

 

- Women, which mainly socialize with other women, tend to give the "hard to get" vibe and are likely to attract men who would be actually interested in them.

 

- Women, which mainly socialize with men, tend to give the "slutty" vibe and are a turn off for (many) men.

 

Therefore, start socializing with women for a change. In this manner, you may get lot of insight about relationships and men from them.

 

Also, don't ever lower your standards for a man in a relationship; if you are not the one to offer sex for free; just don't. Otherwise, you risk ending-up getting used and hurting your self-esteem. With healthy boundaries, you will know which guy is just looking for sex and which guy is serious for relationship.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 24, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man